Authors: Darlene Purcell
Brett had been in a jocular mood for several weeks. One night while was waiting for Jonathan to arrive she rapped softly on the library door. Since she’d never taken it upon herself to intrude on his privacy before she expected him to rage or at least show surprise. When he opened the door, he looked down at her expectantly.
“
Well, what is it?”
Taken aback by his reaction she was momentarily speechless. Regaining her composure she blurted out her news.
“
I thought you should know… I am enceinte.”
His face lit up delightedly.
“
Well it’s about time! I guess there must be some of your mother in you after all. Just wait until I tell Jonathan!”
With that he shut the door in her face as if she didn’t exist. She didn’t know how to feel. He was obviously pleased but not surprised the way she’d thought he’d be and he still treated her as if she were nothing. She didn’t know what to do with the rest of the evening. She had hurried to finish her chores early hoping that after she gave him her news things would change between them.
She’d imagined him inviting her into his domain to celebrate. But it would be the sound of men’s felicity that wafted through the empty halls tonight. She picked up Puddin Head who was rubbing her legs affectionately purring loudly and made her way back to the parlor. Cuddling the cat for a few moments she longed for her family. Especially her mother. She wondered if Rebecca were in the same condition as herself or if she’d already had another child in the year since Xzan had left. It was strange that her parents hadn’t written in response to her letters. She’d expected at least a card for her birthday. Or an invitation for the holidays. It was as if the whole world had deserted her.
She envisioned them sitting at the table sharing a meal with Mammy hobbling around in the background arthritic but determined to take care of her adopted family. Now that they had money there would be all sorts of delectable feasts to nibble on. Paul would be 14 now. Probably already looking at Chastity Miller who was the same age with new eyes. She wondered if Grannie Winslow had died. Or if Hattie had ever caught a husband.
She didn’t feel sorry for the spinster anymore. She was the fortunate one. Xzan couldn’t believe her mother went through this willingly. It was inconceivable that she was happy about it. Maybe it was different with her and Papa somehow. He didn’t treat Mama the way Brett treated her. Still how Mama could enjoy the act of mating was something Xzan would never understand. She abhorred it. The whole process. Even though it was necessary in order to procreate and she wanted her baby. Xzan was miserably ill already. It grew worse every day. By the time she had the infant she prayed she would still have the strength to take care of it.
*****
As she grew heavier with child Brett didn’t try to ease her load or offer any concession the way that Papa always had with Mama. She was exhausted all the time. Constantly throwing up to the point of having dry heaves throughout the pregnancy. She wondered if this was normal. She didn’t remember Mama being this sick all the time. If Brett noticed he didn’t care. The first time she felt the baby move it was Puddin Head’s paw she laid upon her slightly rounded belly to share her wonder with. It became a real soul to her. It’s movement living proof that the changes in her body weren’t just her imagination. She sang to her baby. Rocked it. Talked to it. Held her tummy protectively. Cradled it lovingly. When she added a few items to the shopping list that she’d never asked for before Brett roared.
“
What do you think I’m made of? Gold? What are these things for?”
“
The baby.”
He looked over the list again eying her suspiciously.
“
What do you want yarn for?”
“
Booties and a blanket.”
He snorted. “Do you even know how to knit?”
She nodded affirmatively. He huffed.
“
Very well then. But you’d better do a good job. I don’t want anything wasted. Why yellow? Blue is a better color.”
She shuffled her feet, licking her lips nervously voice so low he could barely hear her.
“
In case it’s a girl. Yellow is a neutral color.”
Brett looked horrified.
“
A girl!” he bellowed in outrage. It had never occurred to him that he might not have a son. “My father’s will strictly states a male heir. It has to be a boy! I refuse to get you pregnant again.”
He turned ashen at the thought.
Xzan didn’t understand why he looked so repelled. She was the one who should have complained. He laid back and enjoyed the act which he hadn’t discontinued during her pregnancy. It wasn’t his body that had suffered. Maybe he just didn’t want any children and the idea of having more than one to get the son he demanded was too upsetting.
The things she ordered arrived a few weeks later. Puddin Head jumped on top of the crate she had laboriously conveyed to her chamber. Fascinated he wanted to be right in the middle of it’s unveiling. She shooed him away gently laughing at his persistence when he jumped right back up sitting on top of the wooden box.
Xzan undid the straps. Inside were treasures she had longed for. Soft material in pastels, blue and white she noted. She could make clothes, blankets, crib sheets, booties, even a few little hats and stuffed toys with the assortment of supplies. Brett could have afforded to buy everything new, ready made, but that was expensive and he hadn’t even thought about the baby’s needs until she gave him the shopping list. She preferred making the items herself. Every stitch would be adoringly hand sewn with an attention to detail. She knew her child would feel every seam against delicate baby skin and was determined to make sure there would be nothing to irritate that delicate flesh. It would only be a few more months now. She was getting huge. Xzan smiled happily. Having this baby was going to be one of the best things that had ever happened in her life.
*****
Brett eyed her disdainfully.
“
You look like a bloated toad! Aren’t you ever going to have that baby?”
Xzan had been cleaning the adjoining room next to hers all morning. Her back had hurt fiercely since yesterday. She felt driven to finish preparing the small alcove for her son or god forbid daughter’s arrival. Brett would kill her if it was a girl. It had become his new obsession. As if she had control over the sex of the baby.
She felt cumbersome. Her breasts were swollen enormously like ripe melons about to burst, as was her midsection. Everything was puffy. Her ankles. Even her toes. She’s stopped trying to wear shoes weeks ago. Not only was it impossible for her to lace them without help but it had been over a month since she had even seen her feet. She was so wobbly with her extra bulk in heels she might have plunged to her death on the stairs.
She gasped as an intense spasm of pain made her double over. The discomfort gradually receded into smaller waves. She knew instinctively her labor had begun. For the first time in her married life she cried out without permission to speak. Reaching out to clutch her husband’s arm, she panted.
“
It’s ready to be born. Quick Brett, get a doctor!”
He looked startled then triumphant, permissively allowing her to hold his sleeve for support as she struggled to get to her bed. Then he was gone. What seemed an eternity later just when she was beginning to believe he’d deserted her to bear this agony alone, a middle-aged woman with her daughter knocked softly.
“
Mrs. Colby. We’re here. Everything is going to be alright. Don’t you worry.”
Xzan nodded grateful to the two women moaning softly.
“
Please, help me. I’m so glad you came.”
She doubled over in agony. Unable to utter a sound it hurt so excruciatingly. They were shocked at the sight of the young woman’s bony visage. Especially a gentlewoman. She lay writhing in pain her long dark hair wild, tangled against the pillow. There were dark circles under her eyes so deep it was evident she had been ill for some time.
Mrs. Colby seemed oblivious to them once they got her turned over on her side to ease the labor pains. Sank into a deep slumber. The older woman was relieved for the poor little thing. It was apparent she was very young. Not more than fifteen or sixteen at the most. The bruises on her upper torso and arms spoke volumes. Mother and daughter undressed the young girl tenderly careful not to add to her distress any further. When she awoke a few hours later Xzan was in too much pain to care about her modesty. Indebted for their aid in guiding her through childbirth.
The suffering increased. After what seemed an eternity Amanda instructed Cecile to help raise their patient urging Xzan to push. The young girl obliged now so wracked with pain she couldn’t talk or cry out. It felt like her guts would fall out. She continued giving all she had until Amanda calmly told her to stop. The baby’s tiny fist had popped out first. Its shoulder was lodged. She would have to turn it manually.
The older woman instructed her daughter to hold on to Xzan while she manipulated the baby. It was an excruciating procedure. Xzan felt shock waves throughout her body and too spent to even moan she succumbed to the lightheadedness easing her in to a dark void. Breathing had become too much of an effort. She felt herself rise floating gently out of and above her body. She looked down disinterestedly as the two women below struggled to pull the child out of it.
“
She’s dying, quick take the baby before it‘s too late!” Cecile cried.
She was rising faster, gently pulled toward the heavens. It grew dark. Then she turned, moving forward, going faster and faster until she was soaring like an eagle. She saw colors bursting around her, that she had never dreamed existed. Heard music unlike anything she could mimic on the piano or harp. A tremendous surge of energy and joy inflamed her being. She exalted in the knowledge that she was going home at last! An overwhelming love more powerful than any other she’d ever experienced heralded her arrival. She would be seeing him in a moment. It had been too long.
She didn’t care what she left behind. It was unimportant. This was reality. Where she belonged. Where she came from. Full of energy. She felt solid even though she knew she had left her physical form behind. She could see and hear but her thoughts floated around her. She could hear them like voices. She began singing with all her heart. Unifying music that was foreign yet somehow part of her. She was beginning to remember. Life on earth ceased to be important. She was only vaguely aware of it now. Anticipated what lay ahead sure that at any moment it would become clear. She rose higher rushing ahead even faster, heart bursting with the most incredible sense of happiness and well being she had ever known. Unafraid of anyone or anything. Going to a place where there was no reason to fear. Where she knew she was loved so deeply that it would heal her soul.
Then there was someone else beside her. Blocking her way. Forcing her to stop. It was him. Scowling. Speaking to her without moving his lips.
“
You must go back. It’s not your time. You have much to finish.”
She struggled to pass him. He felt strong. Real. Even more real than in her dreams. He wrapped himself around her. A blanket of energy pulling her forcefully back in to the direction she’s came from.
“
No!” she cried out brokenly. “ I don’t want to go back. Please don’t make me. There is nothing there for me. Let me go home!”
He shook his head sadly.
“
There is a purpose in all things. You have a purpose. You must finish what you started.”
He continued imprisoning her pushing her back against her will. Ignoring her pleading. She felt the jolt of pain the moment she reentered her body. Opening her eyes weakly choking on air she saw Cecile holding her baby crying bitterly. Its body was dark almost black. The young woman was shocked when she realized Xzan was looking at her.
“
Mother, she’s alive!”
Amanda Stark rushed from the end of the bed where she’s been trying to mop up some of the blood preparing the girl for burial. She swept Xzan ecstatically against her large bosom declaring;
“
Oh my dear, I thought we’d lost you both! I’m so glad God saw fit to send you back to us. You’re much too young to die!”
Xzan longed to bask in the warmth of her kindness but now her eyes rooted to her child. She wept inconsolably. Too weak to care that she wasn’t alone. The older woman patted her comfortingly.
“
It was God’s will. The poor little thing was just too delicate to breathe on her own. It’s hard the first time. Don’t be afraid to have other children. It gets easier with each birth. Next time you’ll be older. Your body will be more prepared for it.”
Xzan closed her eyes tightly trying to block out the insanity. She didn’t want to see her daughter dead. She loved her baby. She wanted to die too but God wouldn’t let her leave this nightmare. Amanda and Cecile stayed with her through the night until they were sure she had quit hemorrhaging. Needing to bury the infant and report it’s birth and death to the proper officials they left her to get her rest promising to check on her later that day.
Brett had evidently heard the news. Amanda had agreed to go by his club where he awaited the glad tidings to let him know the events of this evening in person. He must have been disappointed by the news of his child’s death and sex. He didn’t bother to come home that night. Xzan stopped fretting over his arrival expecting a beating when he did show up. She fell into a swoon so deep she wouldn’t have known if a cyclone hit the house.