Single Wide Female: The Bucket List Mega Bundle - 24 Books (Books #1-24) (50 page)

I considered that for a moment and then shuddered.

“No, not even then.” I shook my head. “Maybe a werewolf instead.”

I got a little distracted wondering if braiding chest hair could become a pastime for me.

When I finally looked back at the computer screen, I realized I was only halfway through my blog entry. I got back to work, determined not think about any more supernatural hotties.

Once I was finished, I posted the blog entry. Now it was real to me. Now I would be accountable. If I didn’t show up at the blood drive, or I didn’t follow through, I would have to admit it to my readers.

It wasn’t as if they would hunt me down and attack me. I was very careful about protecting my identity. It was more about the purpose of the blog.

I wasn’t just detailing my goals and challenges for my own sake and motivation. I wanted to reach other women out there that might be facing the same struggle that I was. I wanted to inspire them. I wanted to give them the same hope that I felt every time I did something that I once thought was impossible. If I missed accomplishing something, it felt like I wasn’t just failing myself, but that I was failing them also.

I paced through the kitchen breathing deeply. With each breath I told myself that I could do it. It was just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other. It was just a matter of opening that door and walking through it.

I paused and stared at the front door. It seemed like a much better idea to stay right where I was. I groaned as I realized that this might have been a terrible thing to pick for my bucket list.

I decided to go back and delete the blog post. It was very likely that no one had read it yet. I had never shown anyone my bucket list, and so whether I did what I listed was entirely my business. I would skip this one thing, or maybe just save it for when I was feeling more confident. Either way, I was not getting on that bus.

When I logged unto my blog to delete the post, I felt a rush of relief. However, before I could delete it, I noticed that there was a new comment already posted on it. My heart skipped a beat. I knew it would be from Blue.

Blue had been following my blog since my very first post. He always had something positive to say, and I considered him a friend of sorts. Though we’d never met in person, he’d had a big impact on my life. I saw that today was no different, as I read over his message.

SWF,

Anyone can try something new. It takes a truly brave person to accomplish something that is terrifying. I know just how brave you are. When you start to wonder if you are going to be able to do this, just remember that you have the support of many behind you. Maybe there will be a time when you are too scared to go through with something, but let me be your motivation. You can do anything that you put your mind to. Nothing has stopped you yet, and nothing ever will. When you give blood today, remember that you’re giving more than that. You’re giving up your fear and you’re giving yourself freedom. If I could be there to hold your hand, I would be. Since I can’t be, just keep in mind that there is at least one person in this world who knows just how brave you are. Please let me know how it goes today and never question just how brave you are.

Blue

Chapter 3

I was a little surprised by Blue’s lengthy message. He usually left little notes with powerful words. It seemed that this time he wanted to make sure I knew how much he supported me.

It meant the world to me that he would say such things about me. Even though we hadn’t met yet, I felt like he knew me—the real me. I sat back in my chair and smiled at the screen. His words had warmed my heart and renewed my determination.

Blue was right. It wasn’t just about marking something off my list. It was about freeing myself from a fear that had been hovering over me for the majority of my life. I was becoming a different person—brave and new—and I wasn’t going to let anything stop me.

I stood up from the chair, grabbed my purse, and hurried to the door before I could change my mind.

As soon as I closed the door behind me, all of my determination began to fade. I remembered that this wasn’t just some idea. I was actually going to voluntarily walk onto that bus and offer up my arm.

I gritted my teeth to keep them from chattering. I took a deep breath. I put one foot in front of the other. I moved forward sidewalk square by sidewalk square. I didn’t even notice the people around me or the usual shops that I passed. Instead, I kept my gaze to the dividing spaces between the squares of sidewalk. It was only a few more blocks.

I walked right past Fluff and Stuff. I walked right past the small city park where I liked to spend a little time tossing food to the ducks. I kept moving by never looking away from the sidewalk.

Then abruptly, I ran out of sidewalk. The screech of tires and the blare of a horn woke me up out of the nearly hypnotic state I had fallen into. I jumped back onto the curb just in time to avoid a yellow cab. The driver glared at me through the window.

“I’m sorry! I’m giving blood today!” I knew he couldn’t hear me. He wouldn’t understand even if he could. But the people around me waiting to cross the street looked at me strangely.

I sighed and shoved my hands into my pockets. It seemed like no one in the world understood just how hard this was for me. No one but Blue.

Then a great idea struck me. Max! Max was what I needed to get through this terrible experience. I was sure that he would drop everything and join me for my blood draw.

I stepped back from the curb and pulled my phone out of my purse. I dialed Max’s number. It didn’t occur to me just how early it was on a Saturday morning until Max’s sleepy voice filled my ear.

“Someone better be dead S,ammy.”

I cringed as I realized that I’d woken him up.

“Uh, no, not exactly.”

“It’s sleep-in Saturday, Sammy.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I forgot how early it was.”

“What is it?” He sounded a little more awake.

Max was always there for me no matter what I needed. I knew that this would be no different. Our friendship had endured ever since college, but I wasn’t sure if it could survive my waking him up on sleep-in Saturday for something that he would probably think was very silly.

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m going to donate blood this morning.” I braced myself for his reaction. Max was an amazing person, but he could be a little grumpy when I woke him up on sleep-in Saturday.

“You are?” He sounded surprised. “You’re going right now?”

“Yes.”

“Have you left the apartment yet?”

“Yes.”

“Wow. That’s a pretty big step. When you started talking about doing this I didn’t think you were really going to go through with it.”

I frowned. I couldn’t really blame him for his disbelief. I’d tried so many times before and failed to follow through.

“I’m really doing it this time.”

“That’s good, Sammy.”

“I mean it, Max.”

“I know you do. It’s great. Just remember—it’s okay if you can’t do it.”

“No, it’s not okay. I’m doing this today.”

“Alright. Good for you.”

I had the strong feeling that Max didn’t believe me. Even though he was saying all of the right things, it felt more like rehearsed responses than actual support.

“I have to go or I might miss the bus.”

“The bus? Do you need a ride?”

“No, the blood drive is on a bus.”

“Oh. One of those.” He yawned. “Okay, just call me if you get arrested or sedated.”

“Thanks, Max.”

He laughed a little. “I’m just kidding.”

I forced a laugh too. But I wasn’t feeling amused. I was beginning to feel the panic building within me. Max knew me better than anyone in the entire world. He knew that I would turn around and not go through with it.

“Sammy, do you want me to come with you?”

My heart warmed at his words. I wanted to scream—yes, yes, I do! But suddenly, I didn’t. I didn’t want Max to be there, waiting for me to fail. It wasn’t that he didn’t support me, he had just witnessed this too many times. Besides, in order to be truly brave, I needed to do this alone.

“No thanks, Max. But if you want to come by my place later to celebrate, that would be great.”

“I’ll be there. Now I’m going back to sleep.”

“Okay, sorry for waking you.”

“Never be sorry. Oh, and don’t punch anyone.”

“I won’t!” I laughed. Max really did know me too well.

After I hung up the phone I carefully crossed the street. I could already see the bus parked in the plaza up ahead.

Chapter 4

It was only a few more steps—just a few more deep breaths before I’d be there. I just had to keep moving. I thought about Blue and his determination that I could accomplish this. I thought about Max and his loving acceptance of me regardless of whether or not I could do this.

I knew that there was always going to be a little fear in me. Very few people in the world lived without fear. But I didn’t want this huge fear gnawing away at my insides every time I thought about donating blood.

There was already music playing. It drifted toward me. I let it wash over me, and closed my eyes for a moment. Music could relax me at even the most challenging of times. But it didn’t have that impact on me now. In fact, I felt even more jittery as I walked up to the bus.

There was a short line of people waiting to get on. A woman with a clipboard was walking around speaking to people. I shifted from one foot to the other. I hadn’t expected a line. I thought I would be able to just get in and out without the slightest wait.

Now that I was stuck in a line, I was really beginning to question my sanity. Why did I do this to myself when I could have just stayed home? Why did I have to pick the thing that was the most terrifying for me? I didn’t need to do this. I didn’t need to make this part of my bucket list. I didn’t need—

“Miss, could you fill out this form, please?” The woman with the clipboard handed me a form.

I stared at her as if she wasn’t quite real. Wordlessly I took the form. I rummaged in my purse for a pen. I would just fill out the form. Then if the line hadn’t gone down, I would leave. I had to be at work, after all. I couldn’t stand there all day.

By the time I finished the form, I was at the head of the line. I looked at the three steps that led onto the bus as if they were the tallest mountain in the world.

“Go on in.” The woman with the clipboard smiled at me. “As soon as you finish donating you get a free tote bag!”

I thought it was a little sadistic to be so friendly when people were about to be stabbed and bled dry. But I managed a small smile in return.

My legs trembled as I began climbing the steps. I’d made it this far. I had filled out the form and now I was almost all the way inside the bus. There were people behind me, so I technically couldn’t really turn around. I was on my way to getting over my greatest fear. I could do this. I could do this.

I took a deep breath. No medical smell—I liked that. Outside the music played louder. Yes, I was a rock star. I was getting my groove on. I was going to finally donate blood!

At the top of the steps I turned to look down the long corridor of the bus. There were a few people seated on small reclining chairs. As I started to feel a surge of confidence, I caught sight of a nurse checking a needle. She held the point high into the air. It glistened in the light. I looked quickly away in an attempt to avoid a reaction to the sight of the needle. In the process of looking away, I caught sight of a thick bag filled with dark red blood.

And then—there was that toast I had eaten. Oh yes, it was looking for a way to escape.

“No!”

My sudden shout caused everyone in the bus to look up at me. I didn’t even have the chance to be mortified. I was in such sheer panic that my heart was racing. I spun around, lost in my fear, and slammed right into the person who was climbing the steps behind me. That person stumbled back into the person behind him. The person behind him fell back off the bottom step and landed flat on the sidewalk.

Normally I am a very caring person. But I just climbed my way over and around those people. I ran. I ran faster than I could ever recall running. I needed to get as far away from that needle and that blood as I could. I heard people shouting and even cursing behind me, but I ignored them all. I was keeping my blood right where it was and no amount of bravery was going to change that.

Chapter 5

I didn’t stop running until I was in front of Fluff and Stuff.

I gulped down air. I wasn’t exactly in shape to be sprinting. My heart was still racing. I felt a bit like I might pass out. Only as I began to calm down did I realize what I had done. Not only had I not given blood, but I had likely caused an injury or two.

I winced as I thought about the needle sticking up into the air. No matter how much I had prepared myself beforehand, the sight of that needle had been far too much for me. Then when I saw the blood, I thought I was going to lose my mind. So yes, I had plowed down good citizens who were only trying to be generous with their bodily fluids.

I searched through my purse for the keys to the shop. Fluff and Stuff was like a second home to me. I knew I could find some peace inside. As I huffed and puffed in an attempt to get my heart to slow down, I opened the door to the shop. Once I was inside with the door closed, I breathed a sigh of relief. It was all over. I was safe.

This sense of euphoria only lasted for a few minutes. I began the process of getting the laundromat ready to open for the day. As I straightened the items in the shop, my failure really set in.

I felt terrible. I’d tried my hardest and I had not been able to accomplish anything.

My cell phone rang. I knew it would be Max wanting to know how it went. I didn’t answer. I trusted Max not to gloat over my failure, but I knew that he had expected it.

I thought about having to post an update that declared I wasn’t able to check donating blood off my list. I thought about Blue reading about my failure. I took it hard.

By the time I unlocked the door and opened for business I was feeling pretty miserable.