Sins of September (2 page)

He does none of these things.

I look up from where my face has been buried into my knees. I wipe the salty wetness from my cheeks with the back of my hand, just in time to see Jesse fly out of our trailer like a bat out of hell, cursing loudly. In seconds, I hear him fire up his truck and take off, leaving a patch of rubber on the concrete roadway that winds up to the main road.

I didn’t see him again for two days.

The weeks go by with all of us living in a fog; the fog that Mama had created when she took off. Jesse got the lady down the road, Miss Maybelle, to keep Scout while I’m at school. He calls my grandparents each evening to see if they’ve heard anything from Mama.

They have not.

Finally, school is out for the summer.

Granny and Pappy drive to Fort Smith to pick up me and Scout for the summer. They tell Jesse how ashamed they are of Mama, and promise him they will help out in any way they can.

When fall rolls around it’s only Scout that returns to Fort Smith. She’s going home to Jesse, and I’m starting ninth grade in Meridian, living with Granny and Pappy.

Jesse comes to Meridian for Scout. He gives me a hug, and tells me that he’ll keep in touch. He instructs me to behave for my grandparents and I almost tell him that I don’t want to be here, that I belong in Fort Smith with him and Scout. But I’m afraid to say those words to him.

No one has heard a thing from Mama.

May 15, 2010

“Had a call from Jesse today, September,” Gram says as I toss my schoolbooks on the kitchen table and grab a bottle of water from the fridge. Now that I’m seventeen, I don’t call her ‘Granny’ any longer, ‘Gram’ sounds more refined.

“How’s Scout?” I ask immediately, glancing over at my grandmother who is mending a pair of Grandpa’s work pants.

“Oh she’s fine, but he’s wondering if maybe you’d like to spend some time with her this summer.”

“Why?” I ask.

“Well, school’s out in a couple of weeks, and he can use some help this summer with Scout. He’s gonna be working out of town off and on with some government project in Oklahoma. Something to do with oil drilling, I guess. Anyway, says he’ll pay you for helping out, and I know you’ve been talking about getting a car when you turn eighteen this fall.”

I shrug. “What’d you tell him?”

“Told him I’d ask you. I mean it’s fine with us if that’s what you want to do,” she says, knotting the thread as she finishes the mending.

“I’ll think about it,” I reply, knowing that it’s probably the only means I’ll have of earning any money this summer, but still, I have to think about Todd. We’ve been going steady all school year and the thought of being away from him for nearly three months is something to consider.

Part of me wonders if Gram hasn’t offered me up to Jesse. I know she worries that Todd and I will take things too far, though I’m not sure how that can happen what with the way she and Grandpa watch us like a hawk.

“He’ll need to know soon,” she calls after me as I head out of the kitchen to my bedroom.

My mind drifts back to the day Jesse said good-bye to me.

The day he came here to pick up Scout.

Scout was tickled to death to see him after being away all summer. She had asked about Mama and Jesse shook his head and said, “No word.”

He sent her out to the car after she hugged and kissed us all good-bye. Jesse assured my grandparents they were always welcome, and that he’d bring Scout to visit when he could. Gram and Grandpa were pleased about that.

“And you,” he said, crouching down to be eye level with me, my heart was hoping that the next words out of his mouth would be, “We want you to come with us if you have a mind to.”

But those weren’t his words.

“You behave your grandparents, and keep up with your good grades. You’re a smart girl, September. I know you’ll have a bright future. Now I’ll keep in touch to make sure you’re behaving, hear?”

I nodded, hoping that I could hold back the tears that threatened to spill. Jesse acted as if he didn’t notice. “I have something for you,” he said, reaching into the pocket of his jeans.

He handed me a small box. Inside was a heart-shaped locket on a gold chain. The locket was the kind that can hold a tiny picture. There wasn’t a picture in this one.

“I reckon you’ll be breaking hearts soon enough. That locket is for you to put a picture of your true love inside, that way you’ll always have him close to your heart.”

He hugged me, and I thanked him feeling like I’d never see him again. I waited until he and Scout where just a spec on the horizon before I went upstairs to my room and let the flood gates open.

Todd and I are parked off on a dirt road the following day. He brings me home from school, but Gram notices if I’m not home by a reasonable time once school is out. Today, we both skipped last period study hall. We do that occasionally. I forged a note from Gram saying I had a dentist appointment.

We have the seats pushed as far back as they go in his old beater, a 1985 Mustang. My top is off, and he’s already felt me up good and sucked on my tits, left a couple of sucker bites there the way he likes to. I don’t know what that’s supposed to do for me, but whatever it is, I think it’s seriously over-rated.

His hand dips down below the waistband of my jeans, his fingers traveling to no man’s land.

“Todd,” I say, moving my lips from his, “Don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because it doesn’t feel good, that’s why.”

“But I just want to finger-fuck you, babe. There’s no danger in that now is there?”

He presses his lips back to mine and his fingers reach my slit. He spreads my lips apart, and immediately tries to shove his middle finger up inside of me.

Hard.

“Shit,” I hiss loudly. “That fuckin’ hurts!”

“Give me a minute here. I’ll get you lubed up.”

“Aren’t you supposed to do that
first?
” I ask angrily, pushing his arm from me so that his hand leaves my crotch.

“Dammit, September, how are either one of us going to learn if we don’t experiment, huh?”

“Don’t you watch porn like most dudes?”

And
that
pisses him off.

“Fuck it,” he growls, sitting up and scooting back to his own seat. “What the hell are you saving it for?”

And then
I’m
pissed.

I find my tee shirt, and pull it on over my head. Maybe now is a good time to tell him about my summer plans.

I wait until we’re back on the road, heading to my house and then I tell him about going away for the summer, to help Jesse with Scout.

“What the hell? You’re going to Arkansas for the summer? You can’t
seriously
want to spend the summer babysitting?”

“Why not? I’m saving for a car,” I remind him. He’s seventeen the same as me, but he already has his own car and I want one. I’m hardly ever allowed to go anywhere with him anyway. If I have my own car, I’ll have more freedom.

“It just blows thinking of spending the summer without you and all.”

“You have a summer job,” I point out, “So it’s not like we’d be able to spend all that much time together, right?”

“Yeah, I guess,” he sighs. “Just thought
this
might be the summer where we . . . uh, you know sealed our deal.”

Oh, please.

“I dream of my first time being with someone . . . experienced. I don’t want it to be a bumbling mess . . . I want it hot,” I say, knowing exactly what those words will do to his ego, but I don’t give a shit.

“Oh yeah? Well plenty of other girls might like the chance of getting their experience with me, did you ever consider that?”

I shrug. “Whatever, Todd. You know where I stand.”

“Yeah, sounds as if you’ve decided on a couple of things,” he says, disappointment lacing his voice.

“Pretty much.”

“Then why tell me at all?”

“Don’t be like that. We’ve still got a couple of weeks and it’s just for the summer. Maybe some breathing room is good at our age.”

But he doesn’t buy it.

At all.

He pulls into our gravel drive now, and stops by the walkway to the house.

“Something you trying to tell me?” he asks.

“No.”

Maybe.

“Look September, you do what you want. You always do anyways. I’ll see you tomorrow at school.”

“Thanks for the ride,” I reply, getting my backpack and exiting his car. He peels off, throwing some gravel along the way.

Gram is peeling apples in the kitchen when I come in. “Sounds like Todd left mad. What’s that about?”

Did I mention I have no privacy?

“Aww, he doesn’t like the idea of me going to Arkansas for the summer.”

I see her breathe a sigh of relief, because up until this point, I haven’t made my decision.

No, that’s a lie.

Up until this point I simply haven’t informed my grandparents that I was going. There was never a doubt in my mind that I’d go.

“So, you’ve decided then?”

“I don’t see how I could refuse. Good money and spending time with my little sister. It doesn’t get any better than that,” I reply, grabbing an apple from the counter, and taking a bite of it.

“I’ll give Jesse a call after supper,” she replies.

Later, in the only place I
have
privacy—my room, I pull my egg-shaped vibrator out of its hiding place. I’m lying naked beneath my sheets; the overhead ceiling fan is circulating a soft breeze as I think about how I want my first time to be totally hot.

I squeeze my thighs together just thinking about how good it might feel losing my cherry to someone who’s been around the block a few times—not my boyfriend who just had his braces removed a month ago.

I gaze at the open locket on my bedside table. The picture I put inside wasn’t one of Todd. It’s a snapshot I found in one of Gram’s photo albums, one of Mama with Jesse. I cut her out of it, so it’s only Jesse’s handsome face smiling at me in my private room while I do things to myself that I won’t allow Todd to do.

Because I need it . . .
hot.

My fingers separate the folds of my pussy, and I work them, feeling myself get wet. My vibrator sends shock waves of pleasure through me when I massage my clit, changing speeds back and forth, my hips now gyrating. My eyes are closed, but in my head I envision sapphire eyes and raven dark hair hovering close. Lips touching, tongues exploring, muscles flexing and rippling.