‘I love you so much I can’t quite believe you don’t still love me, but if you don’t love me any more, please forgive me for
all the pain and unhappiness I’ve brought you, and please believe me when I say that I’m going into the dark thinking of you
and thanking you for all those wonderful sunlit hours we shared together. My love always, SCOTT.’
I went into the bathroom and knelt down by the blood-red water. His body was still warm but he was quite dead. I laid my cheek
against his for a long while, and as I stroked his hair I saw Kennedy dying in Dallas and Jackie’s dress stained with blood
and the soiled mud of Vietnam and the burning cities of America – I saw all those random images of violence blend to form
the background of our affair, and then it seemed to me that Scott and I were no longer in the centre of the stage but were
dissolving in the blood which was gushing from the scenery to engulf us; it was as if the violence had moved to the centre
of the stage to dominate and destroy our lives.
I said aloud: ‘I must take him somewhere very peaceful,’ and suddenly I craved for peace and for an end to violence’s intolerable
suffering. I felt I had to get away, far, far away; I felt I had to make a new beginning, but that longing seemed so unattainable
and conjured up yet another world seen through the wrong end of a telescope, and I didn’t know how I was ever going to get
there. I just went on kneeling by the bloodstained water and stroking his dark hair until at last I said: ‘I must do something
now,’ and I went back into the living-room. Then it occurred to me that I didn’t want anyone interrupting us so I put the
DO NOT DISTURB notice on the outside of the door. After that there didn’t seem to be anything else to do so I sat down on
the couch.
I sat there for some time. Outside it began to get dark. I wondered if I should call the police, but I knew I couldn’t talk
to anyone. Normally I would have turned to my father, but of course I couldn’t turn to my father, not any more.
When it was dark I switched on the light and moved towards the bathroom to sit with him again, but when I reached the bathroom
door I found myself unable to open it. I heard my voice say: ‘Scott’s dead,’ and suddenly I glimpsed myself in the long mirror,
a woman in a blue coat, a woman a long way away in some private hell where no
one could reach her, a woman suspended in time, impaled on the past, paralysed by the present, unable to conceive of the future.
‘Scott’s dead,’ I said. ‘Dead.’ I remembered then that dead people had to have funerals, and I was glad when I remembered
that because I knew at once where I would have to take him. I wondered how I could arrange for the body to be transported
to England. Probably it would all be very complicated. I decided to get help immediately, and once I’d made that decision
I felt much better because I realized how sensible I was being. Moving to the phone I asked for the international operator
and placed a call to Sebastian’s little house in Cambridge.
(5]
Sebastian picked up the receiver on the second ring.
‘Oh hi,’ I said. ‘It’s me. Look, I’m sorry to bother you, but Scott’s dead – he’s committed suicide – and I’m not sure what
to do. I’m here with him now and I just can’t quite figure out how I’m going to cut through all the red tape in order to take
him to Mallingham. What do you think I should do next? I can’t ask my father. You do understand that, don’t you, Sebastian?
I can’t ask my father.’
‘Wait.’
I waited obediently.
‘Okay, let’s take this one step at a time. Are you sure he’s dead?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘Have you called the police?’
‘No, not yet.’
‘Where are you?’
‘In Scott’s suite at the Carlyle.’
‘Right. Now here’s what you do. Pick up your purse and anything else that belongs to you but leave your key to the suite on
the dresser in the bedroom. Got that? Okay, do it and come back to me.’
I did as I was told.
‘Great,’ said Sebastian when I returned to the phone. ‘Now leave the hotel as casually as possible and walk home. Don’t take
a cab. The object of these instructions, as you may realize, is to leave no obvious trace of yourself at the Carlyle. If you
can do that then the police will be more likely to begin their inquiries at Willow and Wall and then your father will be able
to take care of them before they can bother you.’
‘I see. Yes.’
‘Now when you get home, look in the Yellow Pages under the entry SECURITY and hire two guards to sit outside your front door
for the next thirty-six hours to keep everyone out. Insist that no one is to cross your threshold except your kids and staff.
I’ll call you as soon as I arrive. If I get the morning flight out of London I’ll be with you around four o’clock tomorrow
afternoon. Have you got all that? Do you want me to repeat anything?’
‘No, that’s fine.’
‘One last thing: was there any blood?’
‘Oh yes,’ I said surprised. ‘He cut his wrists. The bath water’s bright red.’
There was a pause before Sebastian said: ‘Right. I get it. Yes. Okay, before you leave the suite, just check that you have
no blood on your clothing. We don’t want people noticing you on the way out.’
‘It’s all right. The blood’s all in the bath.’
‘Yes … I guess it would be. Vicky, when you get home will you please call a doctor and get yourself treated for shock?’
‘I’m okay, Sebastian. I feel much better now I know what to do. All I needed was a little advice.’
‘Uh-huh. But call a doctor anyway, would you? Just as a favour to me?’
‘Sure, if you like.’
‘Thanks. Remember, I’ll be with you as soon as I can. Just try and hold on till I get there.’
‘No problem. Don’t worry about me,’ I said, and only just managed to replace the receiver before I blacked out.
[6]
I was unconscious for only a short time but when I recovered I felt so ill that I thought at first I would be unable to leave
the hotel. But I did. Following Sebastian’s instructions I went home, summoned a doctor, hired two security guards and took
myself off to bed. I told the children I suspected I was coming down with flu, and later I explained the guards’ presence
by saying I’d received a threat that someone intended to steal my jewellery. The telephone rang repeatedly but I insisted
I was too ill to speak to anyone.
When the doctor arrived he prescribed me a sedative but I only slept briefly. Some time during the night I vomited but I didn’t
mind that because afterwards I felt less ill. I drank a little water but could eat nothing.
The next morning the telephone continued ringing at regular intervals and once I heard voices raised in the hall as someone
tried to gain admittance to the apartment, but the security guards knew their business and nobody disturbed me.
The police never came but the letters did, letter after letter slipping under the front door into the hall. My father always
dictated letters which his secretaries typed, but these letters were handwritten. He had small neat handwriting which he wrote
in straight well-spaced lines. There were no erasures. I wondered if he had sat up all night drafting and redrafting what
he wanted to say.
‘My darling Vicky: On failing to find you at the bank after our phone conversation I went to the Carlyle to see if you were
with Scott, but there was no reply from the suite. I then went home, but I was so worried when I still had no success in contacting
either of you that I returned to the Carlyle and insisted that the manager opened the door of the suite for me. What I found
there was the most terrible shock, and since you’re refusing to see me I can only assume you not only know what has happened
but somehow hold me partially to blame. Sweetheart, this is an appalling tragedy and one which I never for one moment anticipated
– you mustn’t, please, hold me in any way responsible. I promise you that I can explain everything if you’ll just give me
the chance. Meanwhile don’t worry about the police or the inquiries. I’ll take care of everything, but please let me see you.
All my love, DADDY.’
‘My dearest Vicky: Since you still refuse to see me, perhaps it would help if I set out the facts as plainly and unemotionally
as possible so that you can judge me on what actually happened and not on what you think might have happened between Scott
and myself.
‘As you know I was devoted to Scott and it was a terrible shock to me back in November 1963, when I had to face up to the
truth I should have acknowledged long before: that the devotion was in no way reciprocated and that he was out to extract
the widest possible revenge for his father’s death. I knew then that I should have to fire him as soon as I was free to do
so, but of course Scott knew this too and so he resolved to out-manoeuvre me once and for all during the four-year reprieve
he had engineered for himself in London.
‘His plan involved you, since it was obvious that if he used you correctly my hands would again be tied when he returned to
New York. I know it was your mother’s accident which led to the revival of your affair, but you can be sure that even if your
mother hadn’t been ill Scott would have engineered a reconciliation by some other means. I’m not claiming he was entirely
insincere. You’re a charming and
attractive woman and I’m sure he derived genuine pleasure from your company, but when he agreed to marry you I’m afraid he
was motivated primarily by his ambition which by this time could only be described as a dangerous obsession.
‘Of course he thought originally that through you he could not only force me to retain him in the firm but could ultimately
force me to hand over control of the bank. However I did manage to communicate to him (through you – of course I knew you’d
immediately tell him every word I said) that I’d made up my mind that control of the bank would never pass to him. I thought
once he knew this he would back away from marrying you, but Scott was determined by this time to divide me not only from my
bank but from you as well, and that was when he decided to use Donald Shine to help his plans along. If this scheme had worked
he would have got both you and the bank in the end. He might have had to wait awhile, but his future as the president of a
reorganized Van Zale’s within the Shine & General conglomerate would have been guaranteed.
‘You were with me that September evening when Jake told me what Shine was planning and how Scott was in it with him up to
the hilt. I doubt if I have to remind you how shocked I was and how I had to be alone afterwards to recover from such a terrible
blow.
‘I decided I had to take Shine first. If I’d fired Scott immediately (as I was still entitled to do in view of his behaviour
– the other partners would without doubt have backed me up) it would have warned Shine that we were on his trail. So I kept
Scott in ignorance – and that meant keeping you in ignorance too. I was sure you were just an innocent pawn in Scott’s game,
but I also had to allow for the possibility that you had sided with Scott and were secretly fighting with him against me.
A woman in love can be capable of anything and her judgement in such circumstances can lead her very far astray.
‘Once I was rid of Shine I knew I had to keep Scott in ignorance until our final confrontation – he might have done too much
damage otherwise, so I had Harry go through the motions of a full inquiry at the Trust and went on pretending no one knew
who’d betrayed us to Shine. I can admit to you frankly that I was scared of Scott by this time. Obviously he was mentally
unbalanced – I was horrified when Kevin told me about the incident in London last August. Don’t be angry with Kevin for telling
me. He truly felt he was acting in your best interests by keeping me informed of the situation, and he was seriously worried
by the possibility of you marrying such a man. I know that by firing Scott I was destroying his motive for marrying you and
so you may well accuse me of interfering once more in your private
life, but I must defend myself by saying that I had to fire him anyway for business reasons, and that in the long run you
must surely be better off without such a dangerous, unstable man who used you as he did.
‘However I do understand that you loved him very much, and that’s why you must believe me when I say I’m deeply distressed
for your sake and want to do everything I can to ease your grief. You must realize that despite everything I too feel deeply
bereaved. He was still
my boy
, as I always put it in my thoughts, and one of the most painful aspects of parenthood is that you go on loving your children
no matter what they may do to hurt you.
‘Please let me see you so that we can have the chance to comfort each other. I remain as always, your loving and devoted father,
C.P.V.Z.’
‘Dear Vicky: I finally realized why you weren’t answering my letters, and having just received confirmation that the last
tape has disappeared from the machine in my office, I have decided with great reluctance that I must speak very plainly indeed.
‘First you must understand that I was deeply hurt by what Scott had done. I also felt bitterly angry with him, bitter enough
and angry enough to lash out and say things that should never have been said. When someone hits you, your instinct is to hit
them back. It may not be a very Christian response, but I venture to suggest it’s a very human one.
‘The truth is that I just couldn’t handle the fact that Scott had rejected me so destructively – although this rejection is
easier to handle now that I realize he couldn’t help himself. He was sick. His suicide proves that. Remember:
sane people do not commit suicide
. They take their lives when their minds are disturbed. I’m convinced Scott’s mind had been disturbed for a long time. Anyway
he’d certainly lost touch with reality. That much is obvious.
‘I
couldn’t
have let you marry such a man. You had to be protected from him. I was afraid that after I’d fired him he might kill you
in some outburst of uncontrollable violence. That’s why I had to lie and make sure he believed you no longer wanted him. I
had to cut him not only out of my life but out of yours –
I had to
, Vicky, can’t you see? I did it for your sake. I did it because I love you.
I did it all for you
.