Chapter 32
I
got to hold on to Mitch for another half an hour before he had to go. It involved some cuddling and some toe-curling making out. I would never get enough of his lips. Ever. After one last soul-scorching kiss he promised he would be back soon and would call me daily unless he was out of range.
I had never felt this strongly about anyone in my life. I had wondered when it would be my turn. I had wanted what Kim and Hugh and Rena and Jack had . . . and now I had it. My relationship was a little unconventional, but I didn’t care. I was head over heels in love with Mitch and we would make it work. Maybe I would become a secret agent too, and we could go off on missions together. I rolled my eyes at myself and my ridiculous daydreams and snuggled deeper into my covers. I could still smell Mitch on my pillow and I buried my face in it.
“Assmonkeys,” I moaned to no one in particular from underneath my comfy pile of blankets. “My laundry . . .”
I rolled out of my cozy, lumpy bed and yanked on the first things my fingers touched. I looked sort of homeless in my ratty sweats, inside-out T-shirt, and mismatched tennis shoes, but who in the hell was I going to run into at this time of night? I’d simply zip down to the dryer, grab my clothes, and run back. Plus, if I ran into anyone from my crew, they wouldn’t think twice about my outfit. The acrobatic lesbians would probably like it.
It was chillier than I’d expected. It always amazes me how cool it gets in the summer in Minnesota, especially up north. It was a little spooky being outside this late. The Paul Bunyan Lodge was deserted. I felt like I was in one of those horror movies where the audience is yelling at the screen for the stupid girl to go back into her room and bolt her door shut because she’s about to get killed.
On the outside chance that might be the case, I hauled ass toward the machines. A heated conversation between a man and a woman stopped me dead in my tracks. I quickly wedged myself behind a pole so I wouldn’t be bludgeoned to death. The voices sounded familiar . . . Mitch and Heidi? But that wasn’t possible. I peeked around the pole and listened.
He had left a half hour ago. Why was he still here and what was he doing with her? Was she hitting on him the way she did with every man she came across? I glanced down at my horrifically unsexy outfit and cringed. She was still in her eye-dropping hooker dress. Shit . . . I could step out and save him, but I didn’t want his last memory of our evening to be of me in this ridiculous getup. Whatever, he loved me . . . I’d save him. I stepped out to reclaim what was mine and froze. Something felt very wrong. My stomach clenched in dread and a flicker of apprehension coursed through me. I quickly slipped back behind my pole.
“You are not the boss of me,” she hissed. “You were in charge for many years, but that’s not the case anymore, so back off.”
“Listen to me,” he shot back angrily. “We may not be living under the same roof anymore, but you are and always will be my responsibility . . . whether you like it or not.”
Oh my God, I felt sick. What the fuck was going on? Why were Heidi Kugelschmooson and Mitch arguing in the parking lot? And how did they know each other? And why did it sound like they knew each other really, really well?
I stayed hidden and listened. This was turning out way worse than getting chopped into bits by a masked axe murderer.
“You look like a slut and you’re putting yourself and others in danger.” He grabbed her by the shoulders and kept her from walking away.
“I’m not putting anyone in danger,” she snapped. “I’m good and I know what . . .”
“I know.” Mitch cut her off. “I know you’re good. It’s just . . . I can’t lose you. I love you. You mean everything to me. I already lost . . .”
“Mitch, I love you. I have always loved you and I always will, but you have to let me go. I’m not her.” She held her arms out and he slowly walked into them.
Ice ran through my veins and I thought I was going to throw up. This could not be happening. How could I be so fucking stupid and how could he be so mean? Why had he said all those things to me if he was in love with someone else? Was he sadistic, or did he have a gal in every state he happened to fly through? The thought tore at my insides. Maybe he had families tucked away everywhere, with two point five kids and a dog and a yard. Maybe he was just a fucktard like all men . . . but I loved him.
I slowly stepped out from behind my pole and took two steps toward Mitch and his lover, Heidi. My shattered heart was pounding wildly in my ears and breathing was difficult. I hadn’t realized the tears were streaming down my face until I tasted the salty water on my lips.
“Oh shit,” Heidi muttered, pushing Mitch away.
“What? You won’t even let me hug you anymore?” he said.
“No.” Heidi’s voice was agitated and full of something I couldn’t put my finger on. Did she know about me? “Look,” she said hoarsely, pushing Mitch in my direction.
“Oh my God, Kristy.” Mitch paled and stepped toward me.
I backed away, but this was no game. I choked back a sob and put my hand up. “Don’t come near me.”
He blanched and ran his hands through his hair. The same hands that had touched me . . . and then touched her.
“How much did you hear?” he asked.
“Enough,” I said, trying to swallow back the bile in my throat.
“Fuck,” Heidi groaned, stepping up next to Mitch. He shot her a look of death and she backed away.
“This is not what you think,” he said.
“Stop,” I said, wiping the tears away with the back of my hand. “I am so fucking stupid, so stupid. I thought you were different . . . I thought you . . .” I was crying now. For real. I wanted to run away from him. I wanted to scream. I wanted to crawl out of my skin and I wanted to hurt him the way I was hurting. I thought my dad leaving was bad . . . that was nothing compared to how shredded I felt at that moment.
“Kristy, I know this looks bad.”
“Do you?” I laughed hysterically, on the verge of breaking. “What’s the bad part? The part where I caught you, or the part where I tell you I never want to see your face ever again in my life?”
“Oh shit,” Heidi groaned and looked up to the heavens. She seemed upset and on the verge of tears herself.
“Shut up,” I hissed. “I don’t want to hear your voice or lay my eyes on you ever again. You’ll have your two- or three- or four-timing lover back in about a minute, but right now it’s my turn, you bitch.”
“Kristy,” Mitch said forcefully. “She is not a bitch and you’ve got this all wrong.”
It would’ve hurt less if he had physically hit me. I was used to that kind of pain. I’d grown up with that and I knew how to compartmentalize that kind of hurt, but I had no idea what to do with this . . . How could he defend her? How much more humiliation was I going to stand there and take?
“You have to trust me when I tell you you’ve misunderstood what you saw.” He sounded desperate.
My mind was a crazy mixture of hope and fear. Was I a typical abuse victim? Always ready for more. Fuck, I’d been through enough therapy to stand up for myself, even though there would be nothing left of me after this.
“Kristy, he’s telling the truth.” Heidi’s voice was quiet, but intense. “There is nothing going on here. Not like you think.”
“Please, Kristy,” Mitch pleaded. He took another step closer and I took another step back.
I took a deep breath and used the pole to steady myself as I felt my world crumble around me. The tears wouldn’t stop and I didn’t try to hold them back. I couldn’t. “I’d like to know how watching you profess your love to someone else and hearing her return it right after you left my bed is a misunderstanding.” My voice was emotionless and cold. I had very little left, and unless he pulled a miracle excuse out of his ass . . . I was gone.
“You have to trust me. This looks like something that it’s not.”
I knew he wanted to come to me, but it was the last thing in the world I wanted. I feared my reaction to him. I was mortified to realize I wanted him to choose me over her. If he grabbed me right now and told me he’d never see her again, I’d believe him . . . which was why I wasn’t letting him get close enough to touch me.
“Why should I trust you?”
“Because I love you.” His voice broke with huskiness.
I closed my eyes and let the picture of him holding Heidi run through my mind. He was such a mean man. Why did I still want to believe him? Was great sex muddling my brain, or was it because I loved him too?
“If you want me to trust you, then tell me what’s going on.” To my own ears, my voice sounded like the same child who’d asked her horrid father why he had to leave . . . “Tell me what I saw.”
Mitch’s fists clenched at his sides and Heidi turned and walked away. His jaw was working and his eyes were hooded with sorrow and rage. “I can’t,” he said.
“I’m sorry, what?” I was sure I’d heard him wrong. Was this a joke or my life?
“I said I can’t explain this right now. I need you to trust me.” His gaze was like a laser, trying to burn a hole into me.
I looked at him for a long moment. I wanted to memorize his face because I knew with certainty that I would never see it again.
“I can’t,” I whispered, silently handing him what was left of my heart. “I can’t trust you if you don’t trust me. I can’t see you anymore. Please leave me alone.”
I turned and walked back to my room, but not before I noticed the tears in his eyes. It didn’t matter. I supposed he wasn’t used to getting caught . . . I was proud of myself that I didn’t run. I held my head high and I walked away from the man I’d thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I knew this one would take a long time to get over, but as raw and as dead as I felt right now . . . I knew I would. I’d gotten over horrible things in my life. This might be the hardest, but I was a strong girl . . .
He knocked quietly and steadily on my door for about two hours, making sleep impossible. I buried my head in my pillow and sobbed until the knocking stopped. I continued to sob until my alarm went off the next morning. I might have gotten a little sleep in, but I wasn’t sure and didn’t care.
“Oh God,” I groaned, realizing that when my life had blown up in my face last night, I’d forgotten my laundry. Thankfully I’d set my alarm really early. In all my wisdom, I’d decided a long run would be a good idea in the morning. Of course, the thought of sobbing out in the open air for five miles or so didn’t appeal after a night with no sleep, but hopefully no one would be up when I cried myself down to the dryer to get my clothes.
No such luck. I slipped out of my room, praying that Mitch was gone. He was definitely gone. A small part of me was disappointed, but the logical part of my brain knew it was for the best. No Mitch, but Rich was leaning against the van and he looked like hell . . . maybe even worse than I did.
“Hey.” I spared him a quick wave and tried to move quickly by. I didn’t have it in me to talk to anyone right now. Even Rich.
“Kristy.” The unhappiness in his voice stopped me. What in the hell had happened to him? Surely it couldn’t be as bad as what had happened to me, but then again . . . everything was relative.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Of course.”
Not.
I gave him a bright smile that didn’t reach my eyes. “Are you?” He really did look bad. Like he hadn’t slept at all. Welcome to my club.
“I’m a bit under the weather,” he mumbled.
I noticed his cheeks looked puffier than normal. How did someone get that weird cheek fat? It seemed like he had wads of cotton stuffed up there. What in the hell was my problem? I needed to get over judging this man on his looks. He was one of the loveliest people I’d met in a long time. Hell, I’d be better off with someone like Rich. Eww . . . Even though I was trying not to be shallow, he just did not get my mojo going . . .
“Can I get you anything?” I asked, remembering I had some cold medicine and allergy pills in my room.
“No.” He smiled, sadly. “It’s nothing a hug wouldn’t solve.”
I stared at my big bizarre-looking friend for a moment and realized I could use a hug too. A hug from a trustworthy friend who wasn’t going to fuck me over. I moved into his big fleshy arms and rested my head on his man-boobs. He smelled wonderful and it made my heart ache. He clearly used the same laundry detergent or soap as Mitch. If I closed my eyes, I could almost pretend it was Mitch holding me . . . well, a soft, squishy, unattractive version of Mitch.
“Why are you up so early?” he asked.
When I tried to pull away to answer, he refused to let go. Hmm, a little odd, but the hug was nice so I gave in. “I forgot to get my laundry out of the dryer last night.”
“Oh,” he said, resting his chin on the top of my head.
“Listen to me, you fucking asshole,” Stuey hissed, coming around from the back of the building. “Today is the day. They pushed it up and that’s that.”
“I’m sick of your bullshit,” Stan muttered. “You better be right about this or we’re both going down.”
Rich, with quick hands and sure moves, relocated us so we were between the van and the trailer . . . out of Stan and Stuey’s sight line. He put his finger to his lips and I nodded. What were they talking about?
“What about the idiots?” Stan asked.
“They take the rap. The big guys told us to plant it on someone else and we have,” he laughed. “What’s your fucking problem?”
“This is the stupidest idea you’ve ever had, and why I’m going with it is beyond me,” Stan replied tersely. “Getting involved with the blond bitch has fried your little brain.”
“I never even got into her pants, just a few cops of her tits,” he groaned. “I got some major blue balls here.”
“Yeah, well let your goddamn wife take care of that when you get home.”
Okay, gross, gross, and double gross. I guess Heidi was being true to Mitch by not screwing Stuey-Herman, but the thought that he’d touched her in any way was repulsive. Mitch and Heidi deserved each other. I buried my head in Rich’s chest so he wouldn’t see my tears. I was still too raw to explain anything to anyone.