“I’m going to call and see if Moon-Unit has any more info,” Kim said from underneath Hugh and Mariah. I was wedged between the Baldies, who were told by Candace if they so much as touched me that Mitch would kill them. They tried desperately to keep their distance, but space was limited.
“Got her,” Kim shouted, causing Candace to yank her listening device out of her ear.
“Can you hear me?” Moon-Unit called out.
“We can hear you, dear,” Kim answered.
“I believe you’re all in danger. The aliens have come and told me that the show has nothing to do with Bigfoot.”
“You mean they’re not trying to kill Sasquatch?” Hugh asked, clearly relieved.
“Oh, they would if they could,” Moon-Unit said, “but he was warned off by the tree sprites. From what I understand, he is safe.”
I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. The simple fact that the majority of the people in the truck believed what she was saying was mind-blowing. The problem was, some of what she was saying did pertain to possibly keeping us from getting caught in the crossfire of something we didn’t understand. I caught Candace’s questioning look in the rearview mirror and I shrugged. How to begin to explain . . .
“What I still don’t understand is why the hell we’re here and involved.” Mrs. C stated what we’d all been wondering.
“I think you’re a cover for something else they have going on up there,” Moon-Unit surmised.
“Candace, can you enlighten us on that one?” I asked sarcastically.
“Nope.”
“If you could, would you?” I wondered how far I could push.
“Nope, but I will tell you I have no idea why you’re here. It’s what I was sent in to find out.”
“Can you still hear me?” Moon-Unit’s tinny voice yelled.
“Yes, dear,” Kim said.
“They are probably armed and dangerous. Edith and Mrs. C, are you prepared?”
“Roger,” the old gals grunted in unison.
“Good. Find the source and destroy it. Ohhh,” she squealed,
“Kristy, this is very important for you to know. It will change your life. I found the evil chi and I destroyed it with my bare hands, a machete, and my dentures. I can’t believe I didn’t realize it all along, but the trolls said I wasn’t to blame. Chi can be quite insidious . . . but that’s for another conversation with a lot of alcohol involved.”
“How does this affect me?” I was a nervous wreck. Was I going to inherit a colony of trolls or worse? I needed her to get to the end of the story so I could relax. She was killing me.
“Oh, it’s all good, sweetie. Are you all ready?”
“Yes,” everyone in the entire car shouted, even the Baldies and Candace.
“The evil chi is . . .”
The phone went dead.
Are you kidding me?
“Call her back,” Edith snapped. “I need to know what the fuck the old whack job found.”
Pot. Kettle. Black. Again.
“I can’t get her,” Kim said frantically. “It won’t go through.”
Par for the course of my life. I always seemed to have about half of the information . . . Shitclowns.
Chapter 34
T
he van and trailer were parked outside the cabin. The sedan was parked right alongside. Mitch’s motorcycle was beside the front door, but no one was in sight. Holy hell, did they have both Rich and Mitch?
“Listen to me,” Candace hissed. “This is a clusterfuck waiting to happen. We never should have brought all of you out here, but you may be safer with us than being sitting ducks at the hotel.”
Great. This had gone from an easy, but embarrassing, gig to earn fifty thousand dollars for the shelter, to a life-and-death situation. I would bet my left boob—
it’s the bigger one
—that the fifty thousand was as fictitious as the show. I might die today for nothing.
“Edith and Mrs. C, protect the group. Dan, Dave, and I are going into the cabin. Roger?” Candace snapped.
“Roger that,” Edith replied in the same cadence. “Everyone, out of the car and stay low to the ground. Stay together and be prepared to run.”
I lay on the ground next to Boo and prayed to every religious deity I could think of. After about five of the longest minutes of my life, Candace stepped back out of the cabin.
“Mrs. C,” Candace yelled from the door. “Do you have smelling salts?”
Why in the hell would she think Mrs. C had smelling salts?
“I’m on it,” she said, pulling a small bottle out of her pocket. Of course she had smelling salts . . .
“Bring everyone in here,” Candace shouted. “It’s not pretty, but I think we’ll be safer in here.”
Staying low, we duckwalked over to the cabin and waddled into a hell like I’d never known. Three dead bodies of men I’d never seen before were lying on top of each other by the entrance. They’d been shot at point-blank range. I’d seen enough
Law & Order
to recognize that. I clutched Mariah and tried hard not to throw up or scream. I didn’t think either one of those activities would be particularly helpful right now. I’d never seen a murdered body before and I hoped I never would again. I turned away from the atrocity and looked around. The room had been trashed; stuffing was everywhere. I didn’t recall a couch, but I’d never been in the locked rooms before. My eyes tried to adjust to the darkened cabin. I was now sure the windows hadn’t been covered to protect any camera equipment. I doubted there ever had been any camera equipment. I stepped on something hard and it cracked beneath my feet. Glancing down I realized it was teeth.
Oh my God. I ran to the bathroom and threw up. Had they ripped out the men’s teeth before they’d killed them? Were Stan and Stuey really capable of this? I rinsed my mouth out and splashed cold water on my face. I stared hard at myself in the mirror and started making deals with God. First and foremost, if I got out of here alive, I’d stop busting on David Hasselhoff. That would be nearly impossible, so I thought it was a good first offer. Secondly, I’d forgive and lay off Tandy McOath, the Junior Miss shoe stealer . . . actually that thought made me feel good. I shoved a piece of gum in my mouth and went out to see how I could help. I was shaking like a leaf, but I was trying.
The Baldies, Candace, and the old ladies were squatting down by someone on the floor. Was it Rich . . . or Mitch? Was he alive? Candace was as tense as I’d ever seen a person, and my heart was in my mouth. Mariah, Boo, Kim, and Hugh were lined up against the wall, watching in horror.
I knew CPR, I reminded myself. I forced my feet, which wanted to stay glued to the floor, to move. Moving like I was underwater, I made my way across the room toward whoever was lying there. If I could be valuable, I was going to be . . . no matter how difficult.
It was Rich. He’d been beaten badly. His arms were tied behind his back and his feet were bound. One of his eyes was swollen shut, his stuffing had been ripped out, and his wig had partially come off, revealing his thick brown hair and his teeth . . . Wait. What? I stood there, blank, amazed, and very shaken. My mind swirled with confusion and betrayal. This. Was. Not. Happening.
Baldie Dan reached into Rich’s mouth and removed huge wads of gauze and his cheeks went down. Screams of frustration lodged at the back of my throat. I was the stupidest, most gullible idiot that had ever been born. I turned to find the teeth I had stepped on . . . they were dentures. Dentures for someone who wanted to appear to have hideous teeth. I hated him. He had played me harder than I’d ever been played in my life. The nausea rose back up and I was tempted to race back to the bathroom . . . but first I needed to know if he was alive.
“Can you remove the contact from the swollen eye?” Candace asked Baldie Dave. He nodded curtly and pried the bloody socket open and removed the green contact, revealing a bloodshot icy blue eye. “The other one,” Candace directed in a pained whisper. Dave removed the other contact and pulled the rest of the wig from Rich’s head.
“Take him out of the suit,” Dan ordered Dave. “We need to make sure he hasn’t been shot.”
Candace swore and ran her hands through her hair in a move so reminiscent of her brother I wanted to cry. As soon as I knew he was okay, I could hate him as much as I wanted to, but right now I just needed to know he wasn’t going to die.
“Once he’s free, give me the salts,” Candace told Mrs. C. Edith pulled the knife from her boot and meticulously cut the ropes that bound Mitch’s hands and feet.
“How did he let this happen?” Candace muttered. “I didn’t think those little bastards could have taken him down like this.”
“Can I touch him?” Boo asked, moving forward.
“Be my guest,” Candace said, making room.
The Baldies had finished removing the suit and there was no denying that Rich was Mitch. I was more numb than I had been last night because I had no idea how I felt . . . Everyone moved to get a better view, except me. I was too afraid I would try to kill him once I knew he was okay, so I kept my distance. Boo knelt down and took one of his limp hands in her own. She closed her eyes and rocked back and forth.
“He was tranquilized,” she said in a hollow monotone. “They shot him with a tranquilizer gun, tied him up, and then they beat him as he was passing out.”
“What about the dead bodies?” Candace demanded.
“They were already here,” an ashen-faced Boo whispered.
“Those fuckers,” Candace hissed. “Can you tell how long ago he was tranqued?” she asked Boo.
Boo took his hand again and concentrated. “It was still a little dark out,” she said in the same monotone. “I would guess two to three hours ago.”
Dave picked up a bottle off the floor and examined it. “It should be wearing off about now,” he said, “if this is the amount they used.”
“Give me that.” Edith reached for the bottle. “Salt him,” she told her sister. “This dose and this amount should have worn off already.” She sniffed the bottle.
“What are you doing?” Kim asked, near tears.
“Making sure it’s not laced with anything else.”
“You can do that?” Mariah asked, awestruck.
“You bet your ass I can,” Edith said smugly, licking the open rim of the bottle.
“Jesus Christ, don’t drink it,” Candace gasped. “We don’t need another tranqued-out casualty.”
Edith cackled and flipped Candace the bird. “Please, I’ve have so much of this shit in my system over the years, I’m immune.”
“Ain’t that the truth,” Mrs. C laughed and licked the bottle too.
They eyed each other for a long moment while we all watched in shock, waiting for them to keel over. WTF? What had they been? It had to be military, but it was mind-boggling to think of them anywhere other than the knitting shop insulting the bejesus out of everyone.
“It’s clean,” Edith said. “Not laced. This boy should be awake. Gimme the salts, sister.”
“Can I ask you a question, just in case we die today?” Mariah squatted down next to Mrs. C . . . her new hero.
“Sure, Purple. Have at it.”
“What does the C stand for and why are you a Mrs.? I thought you were a dyke.”
Baldie Dave sucked in a huge amount of air, fully expecting Mariah to get her ass kicked for calling an old woman a dyke.
“It’s okay,” Boo assured him. “They like that term. That, lesbo, and queer.”
He nodded his head, color suffusing his face all the way to his bald head.
“I’m a dyke through and through,” Mrs. C said. “The Mrs. is for respect and the C stands for Coco.” She gave a hard stare around the room, daring anyone to laugh. No one did.
“Can I call you Coco?” Mariah whispered, fearing for her life, but unable to stop herself . . . as usual.
Mrs. C sat silently for a long moment while Edith passed the salts under Mitch’s nose. “Yes, you can. I’m tired of the fucking Mrs. C thing anyway. Henceforth all of you will address me as Coco.”
Everyone nodded and no one laughed except Edith . . . who was the only one who could have gotten away with it.
“Would anyone like some background music?” Hugh asked, desperate to do his part.
“That would be lovely, darling.” Kim smiled and took his hand.
“How about some Elton John,” Baldie Dan suggested. “I really enjoyed your medley last Tuesday.”
Hugh blew up like a puffer fish and started with “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” . . . very appropriate.
Right at “sugar bear,” Mitch woke up. He was groggy, but his eyes searched the room, landed on me . . . and didn’t waver.
“Can you get up?” Candace asked, stepping into his line of vision.
“Move,” he croaked. “I need to see her.”
Candace backed away and I could feel his eyes on me as if they were his hands. I couldn’t look at him. I was so relieved he was okay, but at the same time I wanted to destroy him.
“Come here,” he said gruffly.
I didn’t move.
“Please, Kristy, come to me.” His voice was low and filled with pain. I wanted to imagine part of it was emotional, but I knew better. He’d lived a lie and played with me like I was a toy.
“Oh, for the love of Jesus in a bikini, get your ass over there,” Coco ordered. “We all know he’s an untrustworthy lying sack of shit, but he clearly loves you and you feel the same way or you wouldn’t have wanted to whack his sister earlier when you thought he was hosing her . . . so go on with your bad self.”
I was pretty sure “Jesus in a bikini” was the least offensive part of that sentence. I refused to make eye contact, but I made my way over. I knew if I didn’t, Coco would pick me up and plop me down next to him. Although, if I was honest with myself, I wanted to be near him more than I wanted to breathe . . . but that didn’t make him any less of a shithat assmonkey.
He got himself to a sitting position and pulled me close to his body. I went limp and let him do what he wanted. I didn’t have the strength to do anything else.
“I may be a sack of shit, but I’m not untrustworthy,” he said urgently, lifting my chin so I had to look at him. I closed my eyes and refused to cooperate. “I’ve been on this case for months. They’re drug dealers . . . big ones. I followed them to Minneapolis. We were trying to pinpoint the ringleaders. Unfortunately three of them are lying dead in the corner. When I realized all of you were in danger, I changed how I was going in and became one of the group instead of outside surveillance. I wanted to protect you and I wanted to be near you,” he finished softly.
I opened my eyes and stared at his battered, beautiful face. “I don’t even know you. Everything about you has been a lie or a secret.”
“I’m Rich too,” he said, trying to keep me from pulling away. He had me physically because he was stronger, but the emotional part was going to be a much more difficult battle. “I’m your friend who adores you . . . who knows all sorts of important and special things about you. I’m that guy too.”
Normally I’d be mortified to have all of my dirty laundry paraded around, but since I wasn’t sure we were going to make it out of here, I let it all hang out. Besides, he’d tricked everyone here . . . well, almost. Not Heidi and the Baldies and not Boo. She knew and she was happy for me, told me all sorts of good things were going to happen in my life. Maybe she was still right . . . I was hoping I had all the facts now, so my decisions would be based on reality. But did anybody ever have all the facts?
“Are you really a magician?” I asked, trying not to smile.
He lit up like a child when he realized he might still have a chance. “Actually, I am.” He grinned. “I had to learn for a case, years ago. I thought it was fun and I kept it up.”
“You’re an asshole,” I said lightly.
“Agreed.” He nodded, grinning.
“And a shithat and an assmonkey and a jerky son of a bitch.” I bit down on my lower lip to keep from giggling.
“Agreed, agreed, and agreed . . . Anything else?”
“Can I add something?” Candace begged, wanting a piece of the action.
“Nope,” Mitch said, finally able to stand. He pulled me up and pressed me against his body. “Kristy, I love you and all I wanted to do was protect you. I would die for you.”
I leaned in and carefully wrapped my arms around his body and heard him breathe a huge sigh of relief. I did love him. I loved him and Rich and his secrets and I might even grow to love his sister . . . As I started to tell him I was cut off by a scream.
“Well, isn’t this touching,” Stuey-Herman spat, holding a very sharp knife to Boo’s throat, “but fun time is over, kids. Well, at least yours is . . .”