Chapter 33
A
fter getting my laundry, I went back to my room, took a shower, and lay down for a few minutes. Apparently a few minutes turned into an hour or so because a banging on my door knocked me out of a deep slumber.
“Crapmonkeys,” I shrieked as I looked at my alarm clock. “I’m coming,” I shouted as I yanked on clean jeans, a T-shirt, and matching tennis shoes. God, how could I have fallen back asleep with Armageddon coming? It took me six minutes of frantic movement coupled with a bunch of creative swearing before I was ready. I almost choked myself to death with my toothbrush, I was moving so fast.
“I’m here,” I gasped, tearing out of my room into the parking lot.
Mariah, Boo, Mrs. C, and Edith were standing out in the middle of the gravel drive, looking around. Kim, Hugh, and Rich were nowhere to be found. I wondered if Rich had fallen back asleep too.
“Where did those little shiny dumb-asses put the van?” Edith asked with her hands on her hips.
“I saw them drive it off about an hour and a half ago,” I said, still trying to catch my breath. “I think they went to get gas.”
“Where? In Canada?” Mrs. C snapped. “I’m ready to go, and those slimy little bastards are out joyriding in a van with an empty trailer attached to it.”
I realized the old gals weren’t saying “bless your heart” anymore. “Where is everyone else?”
“Don’t know.” Mariah shrugged. Holy cow, her hair was purple. “You look exhausted,” she commented.
“Yep,” I agreed, not offering anything more.
“Bad night?” Boo asked kindly.
I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth and nodded. I was afraid to speak. I refused to cry any more over Mitch. At least not in public . . . I glanced up as an SUV turned into the parking lot. Oh hell, this was awesome, just fucking awesome. I tensed and felt ill as I watched Heidi Kugelschmooson and the Baldies pull up. What in the hell was she doing here? Had she come to rub it in? I turned my back on her arrival and gave myself a pep talk.
I can do this; I will stay away from her and I will not slap, pinch, bite, or dismember her in any way.
“I need to talk to you,” Heidi insisted loudly as she hopped out of the truck and strode toward me. The Minnesota accent was gone as were the slutty clothes. She wore jeans, boots, a T-shirt, and a baggy jacket. Aside from the horrible wig, she looked amazing. I hated her.
“I have nothing to say to you,” I said through clenched teeth. “You will stay away from me and I will do the same.” Everyone watched in fascination as Heidi and I exchanged terse words.
“You will listen to me and we will do it in private,” she demanded. God, she sounded just like Mitch. I supposed that came from living with someone for as long as they apparently had.
“Back off,” I snapped. “You won. I lost. Don’t you dare try to rub it in my face or assume that I’m stupid enough to believe your pathetic lies.”
“Holy shit,” Mariah muttered. “This is good.”
“Hit her,” Edith whispered under her breath. “Punch her in the knockers. I’ll bet they pop.”
Heidi narrowed her eyes at Edith, and Edith shrank back behind me.
“You hurt him, and I won’t let that happen,” she said, advancing on me.
“You have got to be kidding me,” I shouted. “You and your blond helmet have some huge testicles to throw that in my face.” My breathing was erratic. I was flabbergasted at her words. “What? Am I supposed to share? You are fucking crazy,” I hissed.
“Can I take her out?” Mariah begged, bouncing up and down beside me.
“Let her do it,” Mrs. C grunted in my ear. “She’s good.”
I turned and looked at Mariah, so willing to fight for my honor, her purple hair shining in the morning sun. Her eyes were wild and she was ready to bust down . . . and I wanted her to. I knew I should tell her no, that there was a chance Heidi could kick her ass, but . . .
“Yes,” I said, “but—” I grabbed her before she threw herself at my nemesis. “We’re going in together.”
“Awesome.” She grinned and grabbed my hand.
“
No!
” Boo screamed, stepping between Heidi and Mariah and me. “There will be no fighting. Bad things are coming, I can feel it. We have no time for this.”
I stopped and dropped my head in embarrassment. What the hell had I been thinking? Just because Heidi had the man I loved, that was no excuse to fight. Actually, nothing was an excuse to fight.
“Sorry,” I muttered.
“Me too,” Heidi said.
“You two will shake on it and we will get back to the business at hand,” Boo stated firmly. “I have no idea what went on between the two of you, but you will work it out later.” She reached for my hand and Heidi’s at the same time. She grabbed Heidi’s first and froze. My hand was forgotten as she glared at Heidi. Heidi became uncomfortable and tried to withdraw her hand, but she was no match for Boo’s strength. Boo might be tiny, but when her psychic thing got going, she was superwoman. “Oh my God,” Boo mumbled. “No way.”
“Stop it,” Heidi insisted. “Right now.”
“Tell her,” Boo said coldly. “You will tell her right now . . . or I will. Not only that, I’ll let my sister and the lesbos have at you and I’ll help.”
The Baldies, who had always faded into the woodwork, stepped up beside Heidi. They looked menacing and all of a sudden the situation had taken an ugly turn. What had Boo sensed? I wasn’t sure how much more I could handle. Was Heidi Mitch’s wife?
Heidi gazed at Boo with wonder and had the audacity to grin. “Fine,” she relented without much of a fight. “This should have been dealt with last night.”
I was shaking and I needed to sit. Edith came up behind me and supported me with her skinny old frame. Mrs. C moved in and put her arm around my shoulder.
Heidi bent forward and removed her contacts, revealing a pair of icy blue eyes so similar to Mitch’s I gasped. She then reached up and pulled off her helmet, keeping her eyes glued to mine. Her chin-length hair was a dark chocolate brown and she was striking.
Odd and impossible thoughts ran through my brain. I recalled her telling Mitch that she wasn’t some other woman. Did that mean his . . . ?
“I’m not his girlfriend,” she said softly. “I’m his sister.”
A thrill shot through me. He had told me to trust him last night and I had told him to go, but why hadn’t he just told me the truth? “Who’s the other woman that you claimed not to be?” I asked, amazed at the similarities between brother and sister.
“Our sister who died. I got into this for the same reason Mitch did.”
“Why wouldn’t he tell me?” The tears started again and Edith shoved a delicate embroidered hanky into my face. While I mopped my eyes, I idly wondered if she had made it.
“Because I’m undercover and it could endanger my life,” she said, trying to make me understand. “So instead he destroyed his own happiness,” she admitted grimly.
I leaned back into the comfort of Edith and Mrs. C. I felt faint and strange. Trying to place all the puzzle pieces was making me dizzy. Are we the undercover operation? Is
Searching for Sasquatch
just a cover for something else far bigger? Did Mitch really come to see me, or was I convenient because I was already here? Why did they need us? How in the hell did we tie into the big picture? As I was about to start my inquisition, Kim and Hugh ran out of their room, shouting.
“Sweet baby Moses in a blanket,” she shrieked. “Moon-Unit got the info and it’s bad.”
She stopped and attempted to catch her breath. While she recuperated, Hugh gave us a spastic and freaked-out rendition of the theme from
Jaws
. Boo rubbed her back and tried to calm her down.
“Kim, what did Moon-Unit say?”
“Stuey,” she panted. “I mean Herman . . . rap sheet . . . long. Prison and drugs and illegal buying and selling of endangered species . . . bad, bad,” she gasped.
The old ladies ran back to their room, muttering something about a showdown, and Heidi and the Baldies began quickly walking back to their SUV.
“Wait,” I yelled. “I saw them this morning. Rich and I did. They were saying something about today being the day, killing the hairy bastards and setting up the idiots.”
“Did they see you and Rich?” Heidi asked in a clipped voice, going into agent mode.
“No, Rich hid us and we listened.”
“Is there more than one Bigfoot?” Hugh asked, referring to their mention of hairy bastards. “Are they going to sell him . . . or them . . . into the black market?”
We stood and silently contemplated the many crazy and horrific possible scenarios.
“Where’s Rich?” Mariah asked, looking around.
“Oh my God.” Heidi paled. “Is he gone?”
“No, I’ll bet he fell asleep like I did. He looked like hell this morning,” I said, walking over to his door to knock. Heidi gave me a strange stare. I ignored her and banged on Rich’s door. No answer. I tried again . . . harder. The same.
“Shit,” Heidi mumbled and began pacing. My gut clenched. Rich hadn’t felt well this morning. Maybe he was having a heart attack and I was too wrapped up in myself to insist he go to the hospital. Fucktard. I banged harder. I knew CPR and I needed to get into his room. Now.
“Pick it.” I pulled Mariah out of the crowd around me. “Pick the lock.”
She pulled a pocketknife out of her back pocket and had the door opened in seconds. I had no time to even think about the fact she was so good at getting into locked places. I shoved past her and ran into the room. It was empty. Where was he?
Clothes, books, stacks of gauze, and bottles of cream or maybe glue littered his desk. Boo checked the bathroom and Mariah searched under the bed. I almost laughed in the midst of my oncoming hysteria. Like Rich would even fit under the bed.
“Bathroom’s clear,” Boo said.
“Bed’s clear,” Mariah added. “Except for this.” She held up an odd purple police manual. Where had I seen that before? No time to think . . . We needed to find him. I had a bad feeling and I didn’t even have Boo’s abilities.
“That son of a bitch.” Heidi’s angry tone hit my stomach in a painful place. “Dave, Dan, check the side of the building for his motorcycle.” They took off at a run. “I will kill him, if someone else doesn’t get to him first,” she muttered, making my blood run cold.
Who was she talking about? Mitch or Rich? And what in the hell was her real name?
Reading my mind, Boo asked. “What’s your name?”
“Couldn’t you tell from your voodoo?” Heidi snapped, clearly wound up about Rich’s disappearance.
“I wouldn’t ask if I knew,” Boo replied calmly.
“Sorry. It’s Candace. Candace Sanderson.”
“Is Mitch’s name really Mitch?” I asked, wondering if he’d lied about that too.
She considered me for a long moment. “Yes, my brother’s name is Mitch and he loves you.”
“I love him too,” I said quietly.
“Well, I sure as hell hope you get to tell him that.” She left the room and went in search of the Baldies, who actually had names.
“It’s gone,” the Baldie named Dave said.
“Damn it, we’ve gotta go . . . What in the hell is that?” Candace gasped.
We raced out of the room to see what had happened now. Oh. My. God. I blinked to make sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks. Nope, they weren’t.
Walking down the sidewalk toward us, Mrs. C and Edith were locked and loaded . . . literally. They were armed to the teeth. They carried pearl-handled pistols in side holsters and nunchucks over their shoulders. They had shed their sweats for combat fatigues, boots, and army green T-shirts. I barely registered the fact that they were braless. The rest was too scary.
Edith had a knife tucked into her boot and it looked like Mrs. C had some kind of samurai sword strapped across her back. WTF?
“No fucking way,” Mariah blurted, beyond impressed.
“What, may I ask, do you think you’re doing?” a shocked Candace demanded as she circled the paramilitarized twins.
“Gonna take care of the problem,” Edith grunted, cracking her knuckles.
“Don’t you think Herman and whatever Stan’s name is will be slightly alarmed and clued in if you show up like that?” Kim inquired, reasonably.
They threw on big jackets, effectively covering their arsenal.
“Knife.” Mariah pointed to Edith’s exposed weapon.
“Thanks,” she said and shoved it down into her boot.
“We have to go,” Candace told the Baldies. “They’ve either got him or he’s got them.”
“Do we call in backup?” the one named Dan asked.
“Yep,” she said, running toward the SUV. “They’re about two hours out. No one was expecting anything this soon.”
“What about us?” Boo called out as we all ran after her.
“You stay here,” she instructed.
“Absolutely not,” Mrs. C said, blocking Candace from getting to the truck.
“Out of my way,” she barked. “I know what I’m doing and you don’t.”
“Would you like to put money on that?” Edith said, coming up behind Candace.
Candace was effectively trapped between two armed and insane lesbians. I watched her consider her options carefully. Smiling, she shook her head ruefully. “Suit yourselves.”
“Pile in, troops,” Edith shouted. Candace winced and grabbed her hearing aid.
“Jesus Christ,” she groaned. “Can you not see that I’m wearing a listening device, you old bat?”
“I can see it plain as day.” Edith grinned and slapped a high five with her sister. “Plain as day.”
How much of a gullible idiot had I been? Candace wasn’t hard of hearing, she’d been listening to Stuey and Stan’s conversations . . . and how did I not know that the old gals were into guerrilla warfare? Although, I was sure there was more to that story . . .
We quickly piled in. All of us. All ten of us. Thank you, Jesus, it was an extended vehicle, but it was still a tight fit . . . like can-of-sardines tight.