Skinny Bitch in the Kitch (2 page)

There is so much bullshit around carbs now; we’ve got to set the record straight. There are two types of carbs—simple and complex. Complex carbs are not only good for you, but they’re a vital part of your diet. They consist of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and legumes, and they should be eaten all day, every day. Simple carbs suck and should be avoided: white bread, white flour, white pasta, white rice, and white sugar. Most cookies, cakes, snacks, and processed foods are simple carbs.

So what’s a pig to do? Have her cake and eat it—just make the cake with good ingredients. Duh!

Whenever we do interviews promoting
Skinny Bitch,
we’re always asked the same questions: “What do you do when you get cravings for cookies? Or does that never happen to Skinny Bitches?” Um, we’re Skinny Bitches, not aliens! Of course we get cravings for cookies. And when we do, we eat ‘em!

Unfortunately, most people have no idea that they can truly enjoy food without getting fat, sick, or sad. So it’s our pleasure (oink, oink) to educate and feed the masses. We hope you’ll love these recipes as much as we do. If you don’t, go have sex, you pervert.

There’s nothing more annoying than recipes with a million obscure ingredients. So we tried to make all our recipes as “normal” as possible. However, there are a few products we insist on using, despite their potential to peeve you. You may not have whole wheat flour lying around in your cupboard, but too bad. White flour is crap for your body and should only be used when absolutely necessary. Whenever we can, we use products that are as pure and healthy as possible. And we want the same for you. We want you to replace your old, shitty ingredients and start eating better.

Now granted, there’s nothing wrong with olive oil. In fact, we love it. But did you know that when you heat most oils at high temperatures, you change their molecular structures, causing free-radicals? And that free-radicals have been linked to heart disease and cancer? Well, we knew that (we’re really smart), so a lot of our recipes call for coconut oil instead. Yeah, you may have to go to a health food store to buy it, but isn’t a trip to the health food store better than a trip to the Emergency Room?

So if you come across a few ingredients that irritate you: Don’t hate. Appreciate. We love you and we want you to enjoy food
and
be healthy. We have a glossary in the back to explain some of the funky stuff. So quit your bitching, restock your cabinets, and get cookin’.

(Don’t worry, though—there are some naughty, crappy ingredients in here, too.)

Coffee sucks for your body and is no way to start
your day. (If that’s news to you, go read
Skinny Bitch
,
pages 15
-
16.) The real breakfast of champions is
fresh fruit. But for weekend brunches and those days when
fruit ain’t gonna cut it, enjoy these bitchin’ breakfasts.

 

French Scramble

 

Homemade Granola Parfait

 

THE Breakfast Sandwich

 

Potato Scramble

 

Pecan-crusted French Toast

 

Basic Pancakes

 

Basic Fruit and Nut Muffins

 

Smoothies

 

Bitchin’ Breakfast Burrito

 

Denver Bitchlette for Two

14 to 16 ounces firm or extra firm tofu,
crumbled (use your hands or a fork)
4 ounces vegan Jack, cheddar,
or American cheese, shredded
3 scallions, sliced
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 tablespoons nutritional
yeast flakes
1 tablespoon tamari or soy sauce
½ teaspoon turmeric
½ teaspoon fine sea salt
½ teaspoon pepper
½ tablespoon refined
coconut oil
1 cup sliced mushrooms
(any kind, or a combination)
2 cups fresh spinach leaves

In a large bowl, combine the tofu, cheese, scallions, garlic, yeast flakes, tamari or soy sauce, turmeric, salt, and pepper. Set aside.

In a large nonstick skillet over medium heat, melt the coconut oil. Add the mushrooms and cook, stirring occasionally, until tender, about 1½ minutes. Stir in the spinach, a handful at a time if necessary, and cook until wilted, about 1 minute. Stir in the tofu mixture and cook, stirring occasionally, for 3 to 4 minutes, or until any liquid has evaporated and the mixture is hot. Serve immediately.

1 cup berries (if using strawberries,
hull and quarter them)
1 (6-ounce) container vanilla
or fruit-flavored soy yogurt
⅔ cup homemade granola

2 cups rolled oats
1¼ cups (4 ounces) sliced almonds
¾ cup unsweetened
shredded coconut
¼ teaspoon fine sea salt
¼ cup maple syrup
2 tablespoons rice syrup
2 tablespoons safflower oil, plus
more for greasing baking sheet
1 cup dried fruit (raisins, golden
raisins, cranberries, chopped
apricots—use just one or any
combination you want)

Preheat oven to 300°F.

Arrange the oats on a large rimmed baking sheet and bake, stirring occasionally, until lightly toasted, about 15 minutes.

Meanwhile, in a large bowl, combine the almonds, coconut, and salt. In a small bowl, whisk together the maple syrup, rice syrup, and oil.

Stir the toasted oats into the almond mixture. Add the syrup mixture, stirring to thoroughly combine.

Grease the baking sheet. Spread the granola evenly on the sheet and bake, stirring occasionally, until golden brown, 20 to 25 minutes (the mixture will still look and feel wet). Stir in the dried fruit, then cool completely in the pan on a wire rack. (It’ll be torturous waiting for it to cool. But do your best. This bitch is hot.) Store in an airtight container.

1 (7- or 8-ounce) package
baked or fried tofu (2 squares)
2 tablespoons refined coconut oil
4 slices vegan Canadian bacon
or ham
4 slices vegan Jack, cheddar,
or American cheese
4 whole wheat English muffins,
split and toasted
4 slices tomato (optional)
2 tablespoons soy butter
Fine sea salt
Pepper
Ketchup (optional)

Halve both of the tofu squares crosswise, making 4 patties. In a large skillet over medium heat, melt the coconut oil. Add the tofu and bacon or ham and cook 2 minutes. Turn both and add a small amount of soy butter to the tofu before topping the tofu with the cheese. Cover and cook another 2 minutes. On each of the 4 muffin bottoms, arrange 1 slice of bacon or ham, 1 piece of tofu with cheese, and 1 slice of tomato, if using. Sprinkle generously with salt and pepper, add ketchup if desired, and add the muffin tops. Serve immediately. Then die happy.

8 ounces vegan Jack, cheddar, or
mozzarella cheese, shredded
7 to 8 ounces firm or extra firm tofu,
cut into ½-inch dice
2 tomatoes, cut into ½-inch dice
1 teaspoon fine sea salt
½ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon paprika
1 tablespoon refined coconut oil
8 ounces vegan breakfast sausage,
crumbled or cut into small bite-
sized pieces
½ onion, cut into ½-inch dice
2 russet potatoes (about 24
ounces), cut into ½-inch dice
2 cloves garlic, thinly sliced

In a large bowl, combine the cheese, tofu, tomatoes, salt, pepper, and paprika; set aside.

In a large nonstick skillet over medium heat, melt ½ tablespoon of the coconut oil. Add the sausage and cook according to package directions. Transfer the sausage to the bowl with the cheese mixture. Add the remaining ½ tablespoon of coconut oil to the skillet and melt over medium heat. Add the onion and cook, stirring occasionally, for 1 minute. Add the potatoes and cook, stirring occasionally, until the potato is tender, 15 to 20 minutes. Stir in the garlic and cook for 1 minute. Stir in the cheese mixture and cook, stirring occasionally, for 2 to 3 minutes, or until the mixture is hot.

1½ cups soy or rice milk
3 tablespoons corn starch
1 teaspoon cinnamon
6 tablespoons chickpea flour
or brown rice flour
1 cup finely chopped pecans
2 tablespoons refined coconut oil,
or more as needed for cooking
6 to 8 slices vegan whole wheat
or whole wheat raisin bread
Maple syrup, for serving

In a medium bowl, whisk together the soy or rice milk, corn starch, and cinnamon. Whisk in the chickpea or brown rice flour. Transfer the mixture to a shallow bowl. Place the pecans in another shallow bowl.

In a large skillet over medium heat, melt the coconut oil. One slice at a time, dip the bread in the milk mixture, turning to soak both sides. Dip one side in the pecans, pressing to coat. (Yeah, it’s a little challenging to make ‘em stick in there. Quit whining. You’re about to have French toast!) Arrange the bread in the skillet (you might have to do more than one batch), pecan side down. Cook 2 to 3 minutes, until the pecans are well browned. Carefully turn the bread and continue cooking until the second side is browned, 2 to 3 minutes. Serve immediately with maple syrup.

4- to 5-inch pancakes
1¼ cups whole wheat pastry flour
1½ teaspoons baking powder
½ teaspoon fine sea salt
1½ cups rice milk
2 tablespoons refined coconut oil,
melted, or safflower oil
1 tablespoon maple syrup,
plus more for serving
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

 

In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, and salt. In a medium bowl, whisk together the rice milk, oil, maple syrup, and vanilla. Whisk the milk mixture into the flour mixture, stirring just until combined (a few lumps are okay).

Preheat a nonstick griddle or large nonstick skillet over medium heat for at least 2 minutes. About ¼ cup at a time, pour the batter onto the grill or skillet. Cook until bubbles appear, the edges are set, and the pancakes are nicely browned on the bottom (about 2 to 3 minutes). Turn and cook until the other side is nicely browned, 1 to 2 minutes. If necessary, keep the finished pancakes in a warm oven while you finish the batter. Serve hot with maple syrup.

Stir 1 cup of blueberries into the batter.

Stir 1 large banana, thinly sliced, and ½ cup chopped walnuts into the batter.

Reduce the whole-wheat pastry flour to 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons. Add ¼ cup unsweetened cocoa powder. Increase the syrup to 2 tablespoons.

¼ cup refined coconut oil, melted,
or safflower oil, plus more for
greasing muffin tins
2 cups whole wheat pastry flour
½ cup Sucanat or other
dry sweetener
1 tablespoon Ener-G egg replacer
2 teaspoons baking powder
¼ teaspoon fine sea salt
1¼ cups soy milk
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup fresh or dried fruit, diced
or chunked, if necessary
½ cup chopped nuts
(optional)

Preheat oven to 375°F. Grease a standard-sized muffin tin or use muffin liners.

In a large bowl, combine the pastry flour, Sucanat, baking powder, salt and egg replacer. In a medium bowl, whisk together the soy milk, oil, and vanilla. Add the milk mixture to the flour mixture, stirring until barely combined. Stir in the fruit and nuts, if using. Transfer the batter to the prepared muffin tin, dividing it evenly. Bake for 15 to 20 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of the muffins comes out clean.

Add the zest of ½ orange. Use dried cranberries for the fruit and omit the nuts.