So what was the deal with Alex? She’d only been
looking for a partner, someone to play with after all this time. For the sexual
pleasure she’d been denying herself. Why was he making this so complicated?
Surely there were plenty of other women for him to see socially.
“What does he want?” As if she didn’t know.
“Liz, he really, really would love to see you
outside the club and he says you just shut him down.”
“And he talked to Reece about it?” Liz was
stunned.
“He just brought it up in conversation. Said he
wondered if you were involved with someone in a vanilla relationship.”
Liz gripped the phone, irritation washing over
her. “He should have talked to me about it.”
“Honey, he says he has, and you just ignore him.
So what’s the deal? Did he do something wrong? Because if there’s a problem-”
“Katie, no.” She sighed. Shit, shit, shit. “I
just…have my reasons.”
There was a second or two of silence. “There is
something wrong. I can tell by your voice. And it has nothing to do with Alex.”
“Just leave it, okay?” Every unpleasant memory
she’d shoved in her mental attic was banging on the door to be let out.
Another pause. “I’m coming over. And don’t say
no, or I’ll make a scene in your front yard and every hand there will come out
to see the show.”
“Katie-”
“Uh uh. I’m on my way, so get out the wine.”
And Liz was left holding a dead phone. Oh, hell.
She really didn’t feel like spilling her guts to
Katie, exposing a time in her life she did her best to keep buried. But she was
aware how relentless her friend could be, how unstoppable when she set her mind
to something. She had also learned that Katie was the least judgmental person
she knew. Still, dredging up that pain after all this time…
If she hadn’t confided her sexual preferences to
Katie…
If she hadn’t allowed herself to be talked into
going to Rawhide in the first place…
If she just hadn’t fallen so hard for Alex…
Sighing again, she pulled a nearly full bottle of
chardonnay from the fridge and got down two glasses. She’d hidden from the hurt
and betrayal for so long. Maybe it was time to unload on someone. And Katie had
become a very good friend.
By the time Katie rang the doorbell, Liz was
already on her second glass of wine. No way could she do this cold sober.
Katie looked at the glass. “Liquid courage?”
Liz shrugged. “Maybe.”
“Honey, I didn’t come here to make your
miserable. I hope you know that. I just knew from your tone of voice you had a
big problem. I can’t imagine what could be so bad you have to get drunk to talk
about it, but let’s take it out of the closet and destroy it.”
“I wish.” Liz took a healthy swallow of wine.
“Here.” Katie grabbed the wine bottle from her. “Before
you finish this by yourself let me have some. And let’s sit down.”
They ended up at the kitchen table, the bottle
between them. Katie sipped her drink and watched Liz with shrewd but kind eyes.
“Okay, spill it. Because I have to tell you, Alex
Wright is one hot catch. He owns the biggest ranch supply business in the Hill
Country, is respected by everyone, and if I weren’t married to Reece, I might
go after him myself. So let’s have it.”
Liz drained the second glass of wine, poured a
third to give her the courage, and took a sip. The alcohol had taken the edge
off her anxiety enough to pull all the dark thoughts out of their hiding place.
“Maybe it’s time.” She sighed and looked down at
her glass. “I…was involved with someone just before I came to work at the Lucky
L. I met him at a club where I used to live.”
“And?” Katie prompted when Liz paused.
“At first, we met just a couple of times a week
at a club where we were both members. Then three times a week. And suddenly we
became…exclusive.”
“Exclusive. You mean outside the club, too?”
“Not in the beginning.” Liz played with the stem
of her glass, trying to focus on something unemotional. “But then he asked me
out to dinner. By then I was so besotted with him…” She curled her hand tightly
around the glass, feeling the cool surface. “I’m telling you, Katie, he was an
incredible Dom. Unbelievable. And he taught me so much. But…” She paused a
moment to pull in a deep breath. “There were obvious signals and I missed them.”
“Signals?” Katie frowned. “Like what?”
“He was very controlling. Not just in D/s play.
He knew I didn’t actually live the life, that the bedroom was where I needed
it. But he took it into other areas of our life together. It was so insidious,
the way he did it.”
“I don’t understand.”
“We started…going out together. Pretty soon I was
seeing him almost every night in the week. Sometimes I’d spend the weekend at
his place. He got to be like a drug with me. I couldn’t get enough of him. I
lived for his approval and the intense sexual pleasure he always gave me.”
“Something happened,” Katie guessed.
Liz nodded. “I woke up one morning and realized I
wasn’t even choosing my own food any more. Or what to wear each day. It wasn’t
like he would, say, buy something for me and tell me he wanted me to wear it
that night. He practically restocked my closet, and each morning he would lay
out very precisely my outfit for the day.” She took a healthy swallow of her
drink. “Then he decided I should sell my car. He would drive me to and from
work. He managed to cut my friends out of my life. Anyone I spent time with. I
liked to work out at a health club, so instead he had a room set up in his home
and he supervised my exercise.”
“My god, Liz. He wasn’t a Dom. He was a control
freak, a man with an unhealthy obsession who abused the meaning of a D/s
relationship. I’m willing to bet you weren’t the only one this happened with.”
Liz nibbled her lower lip. “Probably. But at the
time I was so under his thumb, I didn’t even see what was happening. I loved
him so much—or thought I did—that I’d do anything to please him.”
“I hope you realize now that what you actually
had with him was an unhealthy enslavement.”
“Yes.” Again Liz dropped her gaze. This part
shamed her more than everything else. Her inability or unwillingness to act for
herself. “But I couldn’t seem to break free.”
“So what finally happened?”
“He picked me up from work one day and, instead
of taking me home, drove me to a small apartment building. When we got there,
he unlocked a downstairs unit and ushered me inside. While I was trying to
figure out what the hell was going on, he went out to the car and came back
carrying three suitcases. This was my home now, he told me, handing me the
keys. He was moving on. The attraction he felt was gone. I was never to contact
him again. Or go back to the club. My membership had been revoked.” She still
felt vestiges of the crushing pain. “And he turned around and left. Just like
that.”
Katie stared at her. “I can’t believe it. Holy
shit, Liz. What an asshole. My god!”
“Uh huh. So there I was. In total shock. I had no
idea what the hell to do. Except at work, I hadn’t made a decision for myself in
two years.” She drained her glass. “Anyway, stupid me, I just sat in that
apartment frozen in shock, unable to move for hours. I didn’t sleep or eat or
anything. I just couldn’t take it in.” She blew out a breath. “Anyway, by the
time morning rolled around, I managed to kick start my brain and begin to
wonder how I was going to get to work. I mean, we’d sold my car, you know?”
More wine. Lots more wine. How
had I ever let myself get so trapped?
“I finally went into the kitchen to get a drink
of water and found a check he’d left for me on the counter. For a substantial
amount.” Anger tightened her voice. “Like he was paying some damn whore.”
Katie reached across the table and squeezed her
hand. “I hope you’re smart enough to realize not all Doms have those
tendencies. Or have such warped personalities.”
Liz shrugged. “Oh, sure. I’ve been with a lot of
good ones. Before and since. But I was in love with him, Katie. He knew it and
used it against me. Cracked open my heart and drove a truck through it.”
“Oh, Liz.” Katie’s expression was full of
compassion. “I’m so sorry. What a terrible thing to go through. I don’t know
what to say.” She frowned. “I know at the clubs I worked for in Atlanta and
here at Rawhide everyone is vetted very carefully to try and avoid something
like that.”
“If I hadn’t gotten hungry finally, I’m not sure
what I’d have done. I decided to see if there was anything within walking
distance. When I stepped outside the apartment I spotted a coffee shop across
the street. I found an empty booth, and lying on the seat was a newspaper
someone had left there. It was open to the classifieds. Fate must have set this
up because staring me in the face was the ad for a cutting horse trainer at the
Lucky L. So here I am.”
Katie smiled. “Yes. Here you are. And speaking
for myself, I’m very glad. But what does that have to do with Alex inviting you
to dinner?” Her eyes widened. “Oh, god, Liz. You can’t be comparing him to this
other guy.” She shook her head vigorously. “No, no, no. No way. I told you, I
know Alex and he and Reece have been friends for years. Not to mention the fact
that he has an excellent reputation as a Dom. And I hope you know Reece and I
would never have left you with him at Rawhide if-”
Liz held up her hand. “Yes, I do know that. That’s
not it at all.”
“Then what? I’m bewildered.”
“I promised myself after that I’d never fall for
a guy again. I’d pick my Doms carefully, and if I felt things were skating too
close to the edge, I’d call it off. I can’t go through that again.”
Katie stared at her. “You’re falling in love with
him.”
Liz looked into her empty wine glass, considered
refilling it yet again, then pushed it away. No sense getting sloppy drunk. She’d
already told Katie far too much.
“Liz? Come on, it’s written all over your face.”
Katie’s voice softened. “I want to help. But you have to be honest with
yourself. And being honest admits how you feel about Alex Wright.”
Liz pushed back her chair and stood up, carrying
her glass to the sink. “It doesn’t matter. I can’t let it go anyplace.” She
turned to face Katie again. “I…enjoy being with him at Rawhide, but if he
insists on making it more than that, I’ll have to stop the sessions with him. I
can’t take the risk again.”
“Liz, listen to me.”
Liz shook her head. “I hear all the things you’re
saying, but I can’t risk my heart again. My feelings for Alex are all over the
place. If I can keep them confined to Rawhide, I can handle it.”
“But maybe this time the risk is worth it,” Katie
said in a soft voice. “Everyone is different, you know.”
“And what if all he wants is a fling? I’m not
saying he’d be as obsessed as…the other person was. But if I let myself fall
for him, which seems to be what’s happening, when he’s ready to move on, I’m
not sure I could handle it.”
“But what if he
doesn’t
want to move on?
What if he has strong feelings, too? He and Reece have been friends for some
time now, and I can promise you if his personality was twisted in any way, my
husband would have dumped him and barred him from Rawhide. And I don’t think a
man interested in just a fling would casually try to enlist the help of his
friends.”
“Oh, Katie, I just don’t know if I can make
myself take that chance.”
“I get that. But you’ll never know if you aren’t
willing to test the waters with him.”
Liz sat in silence, thoughts whirling in her
mind. “I have to think about this,” she said at last. “I just hope Alex doesn’t
bug you.”
“Oh, listen, it was just a casual comment. I didn’t
mean to make such a big deal out of it. I just thought two people who seemed to
click the way you guys do might have a chance for something outside the club.
That’s all.” Katie pushed back her chair and stood. “And that’s all I’m saying
about that.” When Liz walked her to the door, she gave her an impulsive hug. “You
know I’m here for you, right? Anytime?”
“I know, and I appreciate it.”
Katie studied her face. “Maybe it’s time to let
go of the baggage and live a little again.”
Liz shrugged. “I need to think about my situation
here at the Lucky L, too.”
“Phooey. You’re entitled to a personal life. If
anyone gives you a hard time simply fire them and hire someone else. Reece can
always help you find new ranch hands.”
For the first time that evening Liz laughed. “You
make it all sound so simple.”
“It is, if you just give it a chance. And I’ll
tell Alex to back off.”
“No,” Liz said quickly. “Don’t call attention to
it. I’ll handle it myself.”
“Okay, but be sure you handle it in a way that’s
good for you.” She smiled. “And that’s all I’m saying.”
Liz leaned against the door after closing it, her
brain still spinning. She’d been doing so well convincing herself that Alex had
forgotten about that first invitation she’d turned down. Telling herself that
her anticipation of their sessions together was nothing more than a high state
of erotic arousal. Pretending-yes, pretending-that she could compartmentalize
the whole thing.