Authors: NC Marshall
It’s
dark as I leave Mum’s. I’ve been to visit her and as always probably stayed
longer than I should have. She seems to be doing better these days and is
coping really well being on her own. It’s been five years since Dad died, but
it still feels like only yesterday.
Mum
stands on the front porch waiting to wave me off as I walk towards the car. I
tell her to get back inside, it’s freezing tonight. I’ll be glad when winter’s
over.
As
I approach the car, I can see that there’s a thick layer of ice on the
windscreen, so I reach inside the car’s glove compartment to get the de-icer.
There’s no way I’m going to chance driving all the way back home to the city
with limited vision of the road.
As
I spray the solution onto the glass, I hear a sound behind me and spin around,
preparing to tell Mum off for ignoring my order to go inside and stay warm. But
it’s not Mum who stands on the grass in front of me, it’s Adam.
“Hi,
Jess,” he says. The moon ahead casts a glow over his body, as it bounces off
the lake behind him. I stand still, unable to move as he walks towards me, I
can’t help but want to run to him and hold him in my arms.
“Adam...
what you are doing here, how did you know Mum lived here?” My body is trembling
from head to toe as I study him. He looks a little older, but then he would;
it’s been five years since I last saw him. Other than that he’s hardly changed,
he still looks incredible.
“I'm
over visiting Sarah, she and Sam moved here a while back. They don’t live that
far from here actually, it’s the first chance I’ve had to come and visit them.
I remembered your mum’s address from the postcards you used to send.”
“Oh,”
is all I can manage.
“I
had to come and see you Jess. How are you? You look well.”
I
look well! It sounds like something you would casually say to an old school friend
that you haven’t seen in years, not your ex-wife.
“You
still look amazing,” he adds, quickly correcting his choice of words.
I
look down at my loose fitting jeans and battered old trainers, seriously
doubting the sincerity in his observation.
“Thanks,”
I say abruptly. “So, have you been stalking me, following my every move? How
did you know I’d even be here, Adam?” I glance behind him to Mum’s house. I
imagine her opening the curtains and seeing me standing here, talking to a
stranger, but the curtains remain closed. The side light from the kitchen is
on. She’s probably going to make supper, thank God.
“No,
I haven’t been stalking you,” he says, shifting uncomfortably. “It’s purely coincidence.
I came to your mum’s house to get your address. Then I saw a car and hung
around a while in case it was you. Lucky for me, it was,” he says. I detect a
slight sarcastic tone.
What
does he expect me to say? I’ve not seen him for years, and now here he is
standing on my mother’s front lawn, telling me he needs to see me. “You were
going to ask my mum where I lived? She doesn’t even know who you are, Adam.” I
snarl at him, keeping my voice low in case she hears us. A sudden dislike of
him hits me. I take a breath, trying to calm down.
“Don’t
worry, I wasn’t going to blow your little secret.” He sounds hurt, angered. “I
was going to say I knew you from work and make up some excuse... I don’t know
what the hell I was going to say Jess, I just... I needed to see you.”
I
bite my lower lip. Just seeing Adam brings back so many memories and stirs up
my emotions. He hasn’t changed at all. I’m still so drawn to him, it’s like he
holds some sort of an invisible leash that I’m tied to the end of.
“Why
did you come here, Adam?”
“I’m
over visiting Sarah and Sam, they’ve just had a baby. A little girl, they’ve
named her Molly.”
I
smile, as a slight stab of envy hits me unexpectedly. “I’m pleased for them,” I
whisper.
“I
wanted to see you, to talk,” Adam continues.
“I
have to go, Adam,” I reply, taking a quick look at my watch, “My husband will
be wondering where I am.”
Adam
doesn't look surprised. “So you married him, then? Matt?”
“How
do you know it’s Matt I’m married to?”
“Let’s
just call it a lucky guess.”
I
bow my head to the ground, then pull my eyes back up to meet Adam’s. “Look, we
can’t stand here all night. Why don’t we meet up tomorrow? It’s getting late, I
have to get home.” My words sound harsh, but they're true. Matt worries when
I’m driving on icy roads. I look up the avenue where I can see a parked rental
car. I figure it is Adam’s.
“Okay,”
he says, ‘I’m not here to cause you any trouble, Jess, I just want to talk. You
owe me that, at least.”
I
nod. He’s right. After what I did to him it really is the least I can do.
*
The
following evening, I stand outside the restaurant where Adam and I have
arranged to meet. I smooth my hair over my shoulders, then fidget with my coat.
I’m so nervous that I could vomit. I just want to get this over with. I feel that
the more time I spend with Adam the more memories will come back, allowing me
to start reminiscing about the good times we shared together, and I can’t let
that happen, not now.
I
see Adam’s head over the top of a crowd of young guys; it’s eight o’clock and
the city centre is already getting busy. It’s Saturday night, and luckily Matt
had already made plans to go out with Ryan tonight. They don’t go out, just the
two of them at the weekend that often, so I know they will take full advantage
and won't be home till late tonight. Matt thinks I’m staying in with a pizza
and a chick-flick. I feel ashamed of myself for lying to him, again.
Adam
emerges from the crowd in front of me. He’s dressed in denim jeans and a smart
jacket. Under the jacket he wears a pale blue shirt, unbuttoned at the collar.
He kisses me awkwardly on the cheek before we head to the restaurant. Inside, a
waiter seats us. I sit opposite Adam, neither of us have spoken yet. I hope
that the remainder of the evening isn’t going to be quite as difficult. The
waiter returns to take our drink orders. Adam picks up the wine list to inspect
it.
“You
still drink white?” he asks rather brusquely, raising his eyebrows over the top
of the menu.
I
smile at him politely and nod, trying to lighten the mood. “I do,” I answer
quietly, as I pick up the food menu and scan it quickly. I’m not feeling hungry
in the slightest.
Adam
closes the wine list and promptly orders us a bottle of Semillon Sauvignon
Blanc, produced at a vineyard we had visited whilst in Margaret River. I shake
my head, implying that I’m not impressed by the subtle hint in the direction of
our past. Inside I’m dying.
As
the night goes on, I start to relax a little. I can see that Adam has, too. We
have eaten our food and are now onto our second bottle of wine. Up to now,
neither of us has mentioned anything about our past together. Instead, we’re
carefully choosing what we say to one another to keep the conversation casual
and light, although it’s transparently obvious that Adam doesn’t want it kept
this way.
I’d
never really given him an honest reason why I’d not gone back to Australia, or
why I’d divorced him and then gone on to marry Matt. I owe him an explanation.
I need to tell him face to face how sorry I am.
So tell him.
I tell him
how I felt and how I still feel about Matt, how much my father had loved him
and how he had always wanted us to be together. I tell him how guilty I’d felt
over keeping secrets from my family, in particular my dad, and not being there
when he died. When I finish, I can feel tears pooling in my eyes.
Adam
remains silent. Instead of saying anything to try to comfort me, he rises from
his seat and reaches over to my face. He brushes my cheek softly. I turn my
face towards his touch, the touch I know so well. He bends over the small table
between us and kisses me lightly on the lips. I close my eyes as he moves away,
trying to savour the moment.
When
I open my eyes again, I hear a voice I recognise and look up to see Nat’s old
boss Steph approaching our table.
It
was a year ago today. A full year has passed since Jess died. I lie on a bed
while the hospital sonographer rubs cold gel onto my stomach. I can feel the
pressing of the transducer move up and down as the image of our baby emerges on
the screen near me. I look at Dan, standing beside me. His face displays a
mixture of concern and elation. I can’t make out which emotion is showing more.
It doesn’t take long until I hear the fast-paced tapping of a little heartbeat.
“There
we go!” she says, as she moves the machine slowly over my swollen stomach
“Strong little ticker on this one, all looks great.”
I
let out a breath that I hadn’t even noticed I had been holding as Dan grabs me
by the hand. He’s smiling; the concerned look has now vanished from his face
and I can see the relief in his eyes. I’m relieved, myself. The baby is
completely healthy and now that I've had the twelve-week scan, I can finally
start telling people that I’m pregnant.
Kate
was the only one who knew, but now we’ve told Josh, just last night. I wasn’t
quite sure what his reaction would be. He’s only five, and has been the centre
of our world for all of these years. I was pleased when he said that he was
fine to have a little brother or sister, just so long as it didn’t touch any of
his toys. I take that as a sign of his acceptance.
I
stand, pulling my trousers back up and rolling down my jumper. The sonographer
takes some details and we have a chat before saying goodbye.
Dan
and I head towards the exit of the hospital. I’m glad everything’s okay,” says
Dan. He’s walking beside me, matching my quick paced stride along the hospital
corridor.
“What
made you think it wouldn’t be?” I ask, curious at his apparent concern.
“You
just seem to have been stressed out lately. I was worried that all this is a
bit too much for you, but seeing your face when you saw the baby scan, I can
see you are happy.”
I
smile up at my husband, taking his hand in mine and squeezing it tightly. I
didn’t know that my stressed state had been so visible.
I’ve
had Adam on my mind and really want to speak to Lola too, but haven’t had the
chance. It’s been busy at Wallis and Spoors, which has resulted in me working
extra hours the past couple of weeks. I intend to tell Richard about my
pregnancy soon. My contract ends in five months time, but I’ve every intention
of working right up until the end before I leave to have the baby. It’s just a
shame there is now no chance I can be kept on permanently for the company.
Hopefully, Richard will bear me in mind for the future.
I’m
going to Mum’s straight from the hospital, then we’re going to visit Jess’s
grave together. I have to leave Dan at the hospital; we had met here to go to
the scan together, but now he has to go back to work. I’ve told him that I want
him to put some holidays in soon, I’m getting fed up with never seeing him. I
kiss him goodbye at the hospital exit and tell him I’ll see him later, before I
jump in the car and head towards the lake house.
*
Almost
an hour later, I arrive at Mum’s. I knock on the front door and Ryan answers
it. Mum is standing in the hallway, holding an enormous bouquet of flowers. I
kiss her lightly on the cheek. Her eyes are a little red and puffy, showing me
that she’s been crying.
“How
are you doing, Mum?” I ask, taking the heavy, colourful bouquet from her arms
and holding them in my own.
“I’m
okay, love, you?”
I
nod at her and force a smile. The lump in my throat forbids me to reply.
“Are
we ready to go?” asks Ryan quietly, as he holds the front door for us, then
locks it once we are outside. We walk away from the lake house and head towards
the church. It’s a mild day considering the time of year. I can’t help but
compare it to this time last year. It had been so cold that day that it froze
you to the bone the moment you stepped outside. Today there is a fresh breeze,
but other than that the sun is shining bright in a cloudless sky.
When
we arrive, we can see that there have already been some flowers laid on Jess’s
grave. There is a small bunch of multi-coloured carnations, which have a card
attached—they’re from Father Dempsey. He’s such a kind, thoughtful man. I knew
he would never forget the anniversary of Jess’s death. The other flowers lay in
a gorgeous arrangement. They look tropical, bright and exotic, very unusual
looking; Jess would have loved them. I know instantly who they are from. Mum
bends down to have a close look, turning back the cellophane covering them to
see if there is a card attached. But we all know before reading it that there
is only one person who knew Jess’s taste well enough to choose such an
arrangement. They’re from Matt. I take the card from Mum’s hand and read the
message written in Matt’s neat handwriting:
Rest in peace Kiddo xxx
.
The
message confuses me. The term of endearment isn’t the sort of thing I would
imagine a husband writing to his dead wife, maybe more what a best friend would
write. But then, I suppose Matt and Jess had been both.
If
what Adam had told me on Christmas Day was true, then Matt knew Jess had been
in love with another man; a man she had been married to. So why would he even
want to leave flowers for her? Why doesn’t he hate her? Or is it his guilty
conscience? I’m quite glad that we haven’t bumped into Matt here. I need to
speak to him again, but now isn’t the time nor the place.
Mum
bends down once more and places the flowers from us down with the others. They
all look beautiful mixed together, their colours and shapes blurring into one.
It’s a shame that they won’t last very long out here in the cold.
“Rest
in peace, my darling,” she says. Then she turns and walks away. As she passes
Dad’s headstone she kisses her hand and places it on the top. She lets it
linger there a few moments before she continues forward. Ryan and I look at
each other silently, and turn to follow her.
*
It’s
now late afternoon and the three of us relax in the local village pub. It seems
a little inappropriate given the circumstances of today, but if Jess had been
here this is exactly where she would want us to be.
Mum
sits with a glass of red wine in her hand, twirling the stem of it between her
thumb and forefinger, smiling. Ryan has already thrown back a pint of beer, and
is now on to his second; he’s staying with Mum tonight so doesn’t have to worry
about driving back to the city. I’m not going to tell Mum and Ryan about the
baby yet. Today is for Jess, and I don’t want to take anything away from that.
We’ve
been sharing stories about Jess, Ryan and me as kids since we left the cemetery,
and have been laughing since we got to the pub. It’s a pleasant feeling, Jess
would hate us all moping around being upset, so we won’t.
“Nat,
do you remember the time you and Jess decided to form that band?” Ryan asks,
raising his pint glass to his lips.
Mum
swallows another sip of wine and bursts out laughing. “You were thirteen and
Jess was eight,” Mum adds. “What did you call yourselves again?” She looks into
the distance, twisting her face trying to think of the name. Ryan says a few,
but they’re all wrong.
“The
Glitter Girls,” I say loudly, saving them the bother of trying to remember.
Ryan
laughs. “Yeah, that’s right, the Glitter Girls! You were the lead singer and
Jess was backing vocals. You even talked Matt into playing the guitar for you.”
I
smile, seeing the three of us as clear as day in my mind; all of us dressed in
stonewashed denim jeans with ripped holes in the knees. I wore a red glittered
headband and a matching glove on one hand. I think I must have fancied myself
as a bit of a rock star back then. Poor Matt hadn’t even had a say in the
matter.
“You
used to put on shows using the tree house in the garden as a stage,” says Mum.
“You and Jess were bloody terrible, Matt was the only half decent one amongst
you.” She bursts into fits of laughter as Ryan starts to sing one of the songs
that we used to perform, and then gets out of his seat and stands to add the
accompanying dance moves. Once he finishes, he gets a cheer from the few men
standing at the bar; luckily the place is relatively quiet today.
I
don’t even know how he remembers that song, he was so young back then, but I
can’t help but laugh myself. It’s the perfect end to a pretty horrible
afternoon.
*
Later,
I drop Ryan and Mum off at the lake house, and head home. I have a strange
feeling. but I can’t put my finger on what it is nor can I shake it. I try
everything. I call Dan, who is now at home, and have a chat with him. Then I
call Kate to tell her how the scan went. I try putting on various radio
stations, but nothing can eliminate the feeling I have in the pit of my
stomach.
Before
I even know what I’m doing, I spin the car around and head towards the coast.
It will take me a little while to get there. It’s as if the place is calling
out to me and some sort of invisible pull is willing me to go. It’s been a
while since I’ve been, but I can remember how to get there. I can't explain
why, but I need to go to the last place my sister ever was. I need to go to
Milton Point.