Authors: NC Marshall
I
lie stretched out on the sofa in our apartment living room and watch Matt, who
is almost half way through marking a huge pile of school workbooks. They sit
stacked in tall, neat piles on the table in front of him. He has a look of
immense concentration on his face, which disappears as he stops to laugh at one
of the pages he is working on. He’s clearly amused by something that one of his
pupils has written on it.
He
takes off his glasses and rubs at the top of his nose in the place where they
have been resting. His hair flops over his left eye. He runs his hand through
it before replacing his glasses and returning to the last book in the pile.
He’s wearing a university sweatshirt and jogging pants, which he has paired
with my bright pink, fluffy slipper boots.
How
could I have ever thought I wasn’t in love with this man—was I insane? Right
now at this moment, I couldn’t imagine my life without him, and can't even
conceive of living a life that doesn’t involve my husband. My best friend. My
Matt.
The
truth is, I've done a lot of thinking these past couple of weeks, trying to
make sense of the whole Adam situation. I remember back to the night he kissed
me in the restaurant. That was a couple of weeks ago. The following day, I had
hastily booked two tickets online to travel back to Australia. I was once again
taken in by him, captured by the spell that he has always had the ability to
cast over me.
However,
since then, I have spent all of my time regretting it. I did owe Adam an
explanation and an apology. I’m glad I had the chance to do that. He has always
been a decent man and deserved it. Yes, Adam still sends my pulse racing. I’m
still attracted to him and do love him in some sense. But when it comes down to
real
love, the truth is there is only one man I will ever truly love
with all my heart, and if I’m honest with myself, there has only ever been one.
I just didn’t know it until now.
I
haven’t seen Adam since then. He called me yesterday to give me an ultimatum;
to choose between him and Matt. I instantly knew what my decision was, but I
couldn’t give him my answer right then, not over the phone. That is just a
coward’s way out. He deserves better.
Matt
and I have been getting on great these past couple of months, and even the
arguments that had become a regular occurrence have come to a halt. If only it
could stay this way, but I know it can’t. Life is never that easy.
I
chuckle at Matt, who raises his eyes from straightening his book towers as he
hears me speak. “Nice look you have going on there,” I say, as he closes the
last of the workbooks and puts his tastefully dressed feet onto the coffee
table. He crosses his legs in the small space that remains on the table,
looking down and nodding at the pink booties in admiration, straight-faced.
“Yeah,
I think they suit me. I think I’ll ask for the red ones for my birthday,” he
answers, in an overly camp sounding voice.
“As
long as you don’t start raiding my wardrobe and make any attempt to squeeze
those size nines into my Christian Louboutin’s, I think we’re safe,” I reply,
as I pick up a cushion from behind me on the sofa and hurl it playfully at his
head.
He
dodges the cushion with one swift movement and proceeds to run over to me. He
grabs my feet, easily pulling me off the sofa and onto the floor, and starts to
tickle me.
I
yelp hysterically and giggle like a child as I try to escape from the firm
clutch of his arms. Eventually, I admit defeat. He plants a kiss tenderly on my
lips and everything that I had been thinking about only a few seconds ago leaves
my head. His kisses grow more intense and I angle my body to get closer to him,
feeling a longing that I haven’t felt in a long time. I don’t want to think
about anything else apart from right here and right now. I know that these
feelings are going to be short-lived because tomorrow, everything is going to
change.
Adam
coming to England has made me arrive at the conclusion that maybe I was never
really in love with him. Lust, yes, most definitely, but I think I was in love
with the idea of living in Australia more than with Adam himself. I was young
and got myself caught up in a romance filled whirlwind. He is a truly amazing
guy, and one day I have no doubt that he will make someone a fantastic husband,
just not me. I know that if he is honest and admits it to himself, he would
agree that the past is best left where it is. We had a fabulous year together,
but that this is where it ends.
Now,
none of that matters anymore. I have made Matt’s life hell these past years,
all because of the guilt that I’ve been carrying due to not telling him about
Adam. But soon, all of that is going to change. I’m going to tell Matt
everything and tell Adam that I’m not going back to Australia. I think he has
his suspicions that I'm not going, although I’m sure he is remaining hopeful.
It’s
a given that both of them are going to hate me and each other. Neither of these
men are going to take what I have to tell them lightly, but it needs to be
done. I suppose the only question now is, which one will take it worst?
The
wind is picking up in strength as I reach the top of Milton Point. The only way
to reach this part of the cliffs is via a narrow footpath, which twists its way
through the long overgrown grass until it meets the level ground of the lookout
point at the top. I’m out of breath, and my calves are burning from the steep
climb by the time I reach its summit.
The
sun is still shining brightly although it’s now lost the little strength that
it had earlier today. I take a deep breath, smelling the salt in the air from
the icy sea below. There’s no one up here this afternoon and only a few people
down on the beach.
I
pull my coat around me and adjust my scarf that has come loose with the breeze.
I haven’t been up here for a long time and until this moment I have had no
desire to. But today was different, I had needed to get here and now here I am.
I feel an incredible sense of stillness and peace move through me. I sit down
on a wooden bench underneath a large tree. Its branches are bare and empty.
Even though I haven’t been up here for years, it feels so familiar and looks
just as it does in the dreams. It’s probably exquisite up here during the
summer months. I can understand Jess’s pull towards the place.
This
is where she was. The last view she ever saw.
I rise from the
seat and move towards the cliff edge, I look down at the rocks below and fight
hard against images in my mind of her body lying there, sprawled lifelessly
across the rocks. I shudder as I walk back to the seat, and stand hovering next
to it. But then something happens. My body jolts forward and my eyes close
unexpectedly. I feel the coldness of the seat beneath my legs as I am pushed
downwards, by an invisible force.
When
my eyes open, it’s dark, and the temperature has plummeted. There is a thin
layer of frost covering the grass, illuminated by the almost full moon above. I
know straight away that I’m back in my dream, only this time I’m wide awake. I
close my eyes tightly shut, holding them closed a few seconds before opening
them, hoping to be back to the reality that I have just left, but nothing’s
changed.
I
look down at my legs, expecting to see Jess’s knees covered by the long black
fabric of her skirt, as I normally do. But instead I see my own legs, covered by
the black trousers that I’m wearing. I glance at my watch; it’s just gone ten
o’clock. I don’t think it will be long until the part in my dream where Matt
shows up, approaching from behind me.
I
wait a few minutes and then, as anticipated, I hear the cracking sound of frost
under his feet. I stand up and slowly start to turn around. This is the
furthest I’ve been. This is the point during my newest dream when I generally
wake up. But this time I don’t. I continue to turn and can clearly see there is
a figure standing behind me. I can’t yet make out his face, the dark shadows
still cover it. The figure slowly moves closer.
“Matt!”
I shout. My voice sounds so quiet against the loud sound of the crashing waves
below, mixed with the howling noise of the wind as it picks up speed. I take a
step forward and the figure comes closer, gradually moving into the light.
Suddenly
I hear a phone ringing in the distance, a familiar tune that brings me back to
my senses. It snaps me away from the vision and back to reality. I glance
around. There’s still no one else up here, but it’s now dark. I wonder how long
I’ve actually been sitting here. I look at the phone’s screen, not recognising
the number showing, but feeling annoyed that the call has cut me off at such a
crucial part of the vision. Once again, I am no further forward, and more
confused than ever.
“Hi,
this is Nat,” I say, clear annoyance in my voice.
“Nat,
it’s Adam. I think there’s something you need to know.”
“So,
are you’re telling me you’re in love with this guy?” asks Matt. His voice is
full of anger, full of hurt, but at the same time his tone is lowered. He
remains surprisingly composed.
I
stay silent. He wouldn’t believe me if I told him the truth. Tears are
streaming in slow, repetitive lines down my burning cheeks. I have a lump in my
throat that is so big it feels as though it’s going to choke me. I lower my
head, allowing a tear to slip off my nose, which falls to the floor. I study it
as it seeps into a small crack in the wooden floorboards near where my packed
rucksack sits.
I’ve
told Matt all about Adam this morning. I haven’t slept a wink all night. I’ve
been going over and over in my head how I will word it, but in all honesty, no
matter how it was phrased, the content was always going to be the same. The
outcome was never going to be pretty.
I’ve
told him everything from the start. From the day Adam and I first met at
Circular Quay, through to my last day in Australia when Nat had called me to
tell me about Dad. I’ve told him about us once being married, the divorce and
the fact that Adam has been in England visiting.
For
the last ten minutes, Matt has said nothing, he’s sat in complete silence. I’m
waiting, petrified of what his response will be. I can see that I’m not going
to get much out of him, not today. He stands and walks across the room, looking
out of the window of our apartment, his hands on his hips. He’s wearing nothing
but a pair of novelty boxers which I had bought him for Christmas. It’s just
gone eight in the morning. The lights of the city in the distance are already
starting to come alive as dawn breaks.
I
can’t expect Matt to understand how much I love him, not at the moment. I have
hurt him so much and in his mind now, all he sees is years of lies and deceit.
“So
is he still here, in England?” asks Matt. He’s finally turned around from the
window and is looking at me, then his gaze travels down to my packed rucksack
on the floor.
“No.
He went back to Australia a couple of days ago,” I don’t want to lie anymore
but this will be the last one I will tell, and this one is for Matt’s sake. I
know full well that if I tell him Adam is still in the country, he will want to
track him down to have it out with him. Both he and Adam are headstrong, and I
know things would end badly—possibly even resulting in an animal-like brawl.
Although Matt can stand up for himself, he would be the one to come off worse
if that happened. I’m supposed to be going back to Australia with Adam tomorrow
to start a new life, the life that I thought I was meant to have. I haven’t
told Adam yet that it is never going to happen, but I intend to.
“So
no one knew about him. You didn’t even tell Nat?”
“No.”
“Well,
I find that hard to believe, you tell her everything.”
“Well,
I didn’t tell her this. I wanted to, but as time went on when I came back to
England it just got harder and harder, until it was just easier not to say
anything at all.”
“But
Lola must have known, she was in Australia with you.”
I
lower my head, “Yes, Lola knew, but I asked her not to say anything, and she
never did.”
“So
why now, after so long, why are you telling me now?”
“Because
I can’t do it anymore. The lies have been eating at me for years. I realised that
if I want any sort of future with you I had to tell you.”
“So,
what happens now?”
“I
really don’t know, Matt,” I answer honestly, “but I’m going to go and stay at
Mum’s for a bit. I think we both need time to clear our heads.”
He
nods silently, his silhouette starting to cast a shadow as the sun rises in the
window behind him.
I
pick up my heavy bag, put it on my back and walk over towards him. Reaching up
on to my tiptoes, I go to kiss him on the mouth, but he turns his face to the
side and I lightly peck his cheek instead.
I'm
hoping that given some time, he will understand that the only reason I never
told him about Adam was to protect him from being hurt. But the guilt had eaten
away at me so much that in the end, I just had to tell him. All the shutting
out of Matt and my family over the years had taken its toll on me and almost
ruined our marriage. I’m not prepared to let it continue.
I
head towards the front door, but before I open it to leave, I pick up a picture
which rests on the table in the hall. It’s of Matt and myself, taken when we
were kids. We’re standing under the willow tree overlooking the lake at Mum’s
house. In the photograph, we are about twelve years old and have our arms
around one another. My focus is on the photographer, whoever that may have
been; probably Dad. But Matt looks at me, and only me. His eyes are so full of
love. I’d never noticed that until now. Why had I been so blind? It had been
clear to everyone around us that Matt and I had been in love with each other
for many years, why was I only seeing this now?
I
tuck the picture into the side pocket of my rucksack and take a final look at
Matt. He stands motionless, still at the window, with his back to me. I wipe
the tears from my eyes, shove the soggy tissue in my jacket pocket, and close
the door quietly behind me. My only wish is that one day, he will once again
look at me the way he had in that photograph.
*
I
arrived at Mum’s a few hours ago and in that time I’ve done nothing more than
sit staring at the wall in my old bedroom, the one I used to share with Nat
before she moved out. I’ve tried to call Matt a few times, but he’s refusing to
answer. I can’t blame him, if the tables were turned and I was in his position,
I’d hate me too. I keep hoping to see his car headlights coming along the
avenue or hear the roar of the engine pulling up outside. But he doesn’t come.
I
sit up on the bed and pull on my trainers. I can’t just sit here and do
nothing. I need to get out, get some fresh air. I open the wardrobe door and search
for the warmest item of clothing that I’ve brought, settling on a chunky grey
woollen cardigan. The wardrobe is only half full. A few things of mine, and a
few of Nat’s for when she comes to stay with Mum.
I
can’t help but smile, as I see the posters on the inside of the door secured
with Sellotape, which is now peeling away at the edges and yellow from age. The
old magazine pull-outs display the faces of boy bands and movie stars that Nat
and I had obsessed over as teenagers. I can’t believe that they are still
there, after all these years.
Mum
is busy in the kitchen as I enter the room.
“Mum,
I’m heading out for a bit,” I say as I kiss her on the cheek.
“Okay
hun, wrap up warm. It’s freezing out there, so don’t stay out too late. I’m
baking a pie, I’ll leave you some to heat up when you get back.”
I
laugh to myself as I pick up my car keys from the kitchen table and head out.
You’d think I was still eight years old, the way she fussed and worried.
I
jog to the car and get in, quickly turning the heat on full and wait for the
misted windows to clear. I glance over to the lake. I can’t help but think of
Matt whenever I see it. We spent so much time there when we were young. I can
close my eyes now and see the two of us basking on the wooden boards of the
jetty, eating ice-lollies, our bare legs dangling over the side on a hot
summer’s day. I sigh as I start to drive, forcing myself not to cry. I’ve lost
him, I know I have.
*
It’s
dark by the time I reach Milton Point. I park the car on the road closest to
the cliff walkway and get out. I hitch my long skirt up slightly as I walk up
the path towards the lookout point. It’s muddy and damp from earlier rain. My
feet sink into it with each step I take up the steep climb.
I
run my hand through my windswept hair and try to catch my breath as I approach
the cliff top. My fingers get stuck in the knots, and I drag my hands through
it angrily to loosen them. The climb had given me too much time to think, and
now that I’m up here, memories of Dad flood back and it feels too much to bear.
Maybe coming here tonight was a mistake.
The
beach below looks beautiful as I reach the cliff edge. Its calm water laps at
the shore, illuminated by the moonlight. I breathe in the air and hold it in my
lungs before releasing it, trying to remove the blinding headache that I have.
My limbs feel stiff from the restless night’s sleep last night, and tension
cuts through my shoulders and down into my lower back.
I
cross my arms over my chest and hug myself, trying to get some warmth into my
body as I shiver in the coldness of the January night.
I
close my eyes and let my arms fall to my sides.
What if I just jumped, right
now? Just let myself walk slowly edge to the end until there is no ground to
stand on anymore.
I open my eyes and shake my head at the ludicrous and
selfish thoughts that have passed through my mind. I could never do that.
I
slowly walk away from the edge and sit down on the bench beneath the tree. It
feels cold underneath the thin cotton fabric of my skirt, and I regret not
packing anything warmer to wear. Maybe I’ll pop over to the apartment tomorrow
and pick up some more things. I’ve decided to meet Adam tomorrow morning at the
airport to say goodbye, and to tell him that I’m not going to be travelling
back to Australia with him.
I
look out to the sea, which seems to go on forever. It’s waves roll in quietly
under the black, cloudless sky. I can remember sitting here, in this exact same
spot with Dad. We would bring a picnic up here on a Saturday afternoon and sit
on a red-checked picnic blanket, watching the ships line up on the distant
horizon. Dad would tell me true stories of sailors and shipwrecks from the
years past. A tear escapes from my eye and I wipe it lightly with the back of
my hand.
A
woman walking her dog moves past where I sit. She smiles and nods at me
politely and says “Hello.” I smile back up at her and pat the dog’s back as it
brushes past my legs.
I
pull my phone from my pocket and hit the recently called list to try Matt once
more. I’ve already left him one voice mail asking him to come and meet me. I
really need to talk to him, to explain and tell him how I feel. Once again,
there’s no answer; his voice mail message comes on and I listen silently for
the beep before I talk.
“Matt,
it’s Jess... again. Look, I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am. I don’t
think we had a good chance to talk before I left this morning, and I really
want to try to explain things properly, explain to you what happened between me
and Adam. I know you got the message that I left you earlier about meeting me
at Milton Point. Well, just to let you know I’m here and waiting so hopefully
you’re on your way... see you soon. I love you.”
I
bury the phone back into my pocket and pull my knees up onto the seat, holding
them close to my chest and rocking to try and warm myself up. I have sat here
for a while, as I see the lights of houses in the distance start to go off. It
must be getting late. I’d better get back to Mum’s, she’ll be starting to
worry.
I
stand up to make a move, but a noise behind me stops me dead in my tracks. It’s
footsteps coming from the footpath behind me; I can hear the crunching of the
frost on the ground from under his feet.
A
smile spreads on my lips as I start to turn around. I knew he wouldn’t give up
on me. Matt would never give up so easily on what we had. I squint my eyes,
trying to focus on him, but I can only see an outline. I move closer as his
body is illuminated by the light nearby, and I can almost make out his exact
shape.
“Matt,”
I say. My voice sounds quiet against the loud noise coming up from the crashing
waves below, so I’m unsure if he’s heard me. I take a step forward, and the
figure finally comes into the light, but it’s not Matt. It’s not him at all.