Lauren managed a wan smile. “Hmm,” she said with a sigh.
The American Legion was putting on a chicken dinner. Hordes of burly men were turning half-chickens in wire mesh cookers over the huge fire pit and slopping on the barbeque sauce. Brian was in his element. A fan of almost any kind of food, Brian pushed Kelly and Lauren ahead of him. “Take a plate,” he urged. “Let’s get through this line. This looks fabulous!”
They took their paper plates and plastic utensils wrapped in paper napkins and went down the line, where a chubby jolly mustachioed man plunked half a juicy barbequed chicken onto each of their plates. They moved on to the next long table where several high school girls were dishing out more food. There was sweet corn, coleslaw, and potato salad, and for dessert there was apple pie with ice cream. Their plates were so full as they sat down at a nearby table, they had to support them with both hands. As they unfolded their paper napkins and armed themselves with their plastic knives and forks in preparation for their meal, Joan Halloran came by with a tray of pitchers filled with beer.
“Pitcher of beer, anyone?” she asked. She didn’t wait for them to answer, but set the pitcher down and plunked large plastic cups in front of each of them. She gave Lauren a big smile. “On the house,” she said. “Lauren, did you see? You won! I told you, didn’t I?” Joan proffered her hand to Kelly and Brian, seemingly unaware of the precarious tilt of her beer tray. “I’m Joan Halloran,” she announced to them. “I’m the listing agent for Lauren’s house. Isn’t she doing a magnificent job? And, we have more people who want to see it next week.”
“Nice to meet you, Joan,” said Brian, depositing a ten dollar bill on the tray. “Take this,” he said. “My donation. This gig is worth every penny I’m spending here.”
“He’s easy to entertain,” said Kelly, taking a bite out of her corn on the cob. “However, this food is excellent!”
“Glad you’re having such a good time,” said Joan. “And Lauren, don’t forget to pick up your blue ribbon! Your grandmother would be so pleased.”
Lauren forced a smile. “Yes, I think she would,” she said.
“Well, I’ll call you when I get the offer, and when the other couple tells me when they want to see it,” said Joan, drifting away to other tables. “Bye-bye, now. Enjoy the fireworks!”
Lauren tried hard to keep her thoughts to the barbequed chicken dinner, her friends who thought enough of her to drive four and a half hours to visit her, and the fun time they were having at this county fair. She laughed at Kelly’s sarcasms, discussed the plans she had for the house restoration, and giggled at Brian’s remarks while they people-watched.
Her mind, however, was all about Caleb. Her stomach was churning, and her emotions had tied themselves in more knots than a ball of yarn abandoned by a kitten. Why had he been so distant? Why hadn’t he called her? Was it as Kelly had pointed out — that he believed her to be marrying Charles, so he was staying away from her? When she had first come back into town and been in such close proximity to him, she had actually thought, actually entertained the idea, that he might try to win her back. He might call again, and then she would have the opportunity to tell him that she had broken it off with Charles, that they could be together, but Caleb was not a man to grovel. He had made his case. She had shot him down, and he had accepted the inevitable like the man he was. It was she who could not accept things as they were; it was she who still ached for him, desired him as she had no other man, ever. She squirmed internally as she faced the fact that it was her own greed, her own insecurity, her own blindness to her circumstances that had made her rebuff him. Well, she had been punished for placing value on valueless things. She was living that punishment now. Mentally, she squared her shoulders and held her head high. She deserved whatever she got, and she would take it.
Brian sat looking at his plate. It was scraped clean, with only the chicken bones left. He gulped down his last swallow of beer. “That was amazing!” he exclaimed. “I feel like a new man.” Suddenly he pointed in the direction of the grassy field on the other side of the fair grounds. “Hey, look, people are starting to gather for the fireworks. Let’s go over there and make sure we get a good place to sit.”
They wandered across the midway and chose a place higher up on the bank. The sun was setting. Random little clouds floated across the sky, blushing pink in the sunset. The heat of the day was fading, replaced by a delicious crispness in the air. They settled themselves on the grass, still warm with captured sunshine, and watched as the crews prepared for the show.
Dusk had fallen, and the night was fast approaching. Lauren peered intently into the gloom. Even though the fireworks were located far away from the crowd on the opposite side of the field, she was sure she could pick out Caleb. There were six men, working in a line, setting the different explosives at various distances and patterns to get the most out of the pyrotechnic display. Caleb was near the end of the line. It appeared to Lauren that he was making a final inspection of the setup.
Kelly leaned over to her. “Is that Caleb?” she asked in a stage whisper.
“I think so,” agreed Lauren.
“I think it’s him, too,” said Kelly. “You can’t hide something that gorgeous. I think you should try to find him after the show. You two need to talk.”
“I hope they’re careful,” was all Lauren would say. It was true. She longed to talk to Caleb. Just to unburden herself and let him know the truth. But could she? Did she even have the right to talk to him after what she had put him through? Perhaps it would be better for everyone to just let what was in the past stay in the past. After all, she didn’t even know what she was going to do after the house sold.
The first stars were coming out, and the crowd around them was growing. People were spreading blankets on the ground. Couples were cuddling. Mothers and fathers were sitting together in family groups, holding small children on their laps. Then there were the groups of teens. Random groups of boys on the edge of the field, looking askance across the crowd at random groups of girls on the opposite perimeter. Lauren had to smile. You couldn’t ignore the powers of attraction. It was what kept her staring at the man in the distance even though it was getting harder and harder to see him through the deepening shadows.
Suddenly the crowd seemed to hush. Brian leaned forward and whispered, “Here we go.”
The display started with a series of pops and whistles and bangs that exploded into the air in reds, blues, yellows, and greens. Twinkling sparks fell to earth like so many stars. Then the show escalated. The fireworks grew louder and more spectacular; the crowd punctuating its satisfaction with gasps and applause. The whole show lasted about a half an hour, leading up to a sensational series of ear-splitting whistles, booms, and blasts, filling the sky directly overhead with sparkling patterns of multicolored lights and flashes. It seemed as though the cacophony would never end, but finally, a huge explosion sent a shower of brilliant sparks raining down on the whole area. Then, silence. The crowd erupted into applause, lasting almost as long as the final volley. At last, mothers began to gather up babies. Fathers carried little ones on their backs or pushed them in strollers along the bumpy ground. Couples strolled hand-in-hand back toward the parking lots. The clots of teens dispersed into the night.
“Terrific!” exclaimed Brian. “Terrific show! You couldn’t see a better one in the city! And the food! This has been one of the more satisfying days of my whole life!”
“Brian’s overstimulated,” said Kelly, casting her eyes heavenward. “It was a good show, though.”
“Pretty spectacular,” agreed Lauren as she tried to identify which of the shadowy figures down by the fireworks stage was Caleb.
Kelly turned toward her friend. “Lauren, you march yourself right down there and find Caleb. You two are in love. You can’t let it go.”
Lauren did not take her eyes off the figures clearing away the debris from the fireworks display, but she answered Kelly. “We might have had the chance to be in love, Kelly. I really think we did, but I squandered it. I ruined it. And now I can’t bring myself to tell Caleb the truth. What would he think of me? He might think I was making it up. He might think I was unpredictable and fickle in the worst way, that I might pull something like that on him — ”
“Stop! Stop!” exclaimed Kelly angrily. “You don’t know any of this. You’re just speculating on assumptions. All this is groundless. You’ve got to talk to him, tell him the truth, and let what happens happen. Really. You can’t move on — anywhere — until you do. It will erode your self-confidence.”
Brian said simply, “Go try to talk to him, Lauren. Kelly and I will wait in the car.”
Lauren stood for a moment. Then she made up her mind. She had caused her own misfortune. Her own dishonesty had led her into this awkward situation. At least she could set the record straight. At least she could tell him the truth.
“Thanks,” she said to her friends, managing a small smile. “I’ll go see him. I’ll be right back.” Squaring her shoulders, she set off across the field with determination.
It was difficult to see clearly. Smoke from the ignited fireworks still hung in the air. There was an acrid smell that burned the inside of her nose. The moon hadn’t risen yet, and it was very dark. Lauren concentrated on the silhouettes of the men as they went about the business of packing up their gear. They were all dressed the same in their fireman’s blue work pants and T-shirts. Which one was Caleb? Then she saw him. He was carrying a large metal box to a nearby truck. He didn’t see her approach. She walked up behind him as he set the box in the back of the pickup.
“Caleb?”
He turned around. “Lauren!”
“I — I came to talk to you.”
“I’m pretty busy right now,” he said. “Cleaning up.”
“Yes, yes, I see that. I’m sorry. Can we talk for just a bit when you finish?”
He looked around, then said, “Well, step over here a minute. I can take a break. What can I do for you?”
What can I do for you?
His impersonal tone made Lauren’s heart sink, but she steeled herself and spoke. “Caleb,” she said, trying to hide the desperation in her voice, “I just came to say how nice it is to see you again.”
“It was nice to see you again, too.”
“And I wanted to tell you something,” she went on, feeling as though she must be babbling like an idiot. “I’m not going to marry Charles. I broke it off. I’m staying here for a while to — ”
“Lauren, I — ”
“No, please, hear me out. I realize I was wrong, Caleb.” She was talking fast now.
“Lauren, listen, before you go any further — ” Caleb started to say.
“I just want you to know that I’ll be here, working on the house. I thought maybe you could come by and…and we could talk. Just talk, that’s all,” she finished lamely.
“Caleb?” A female voice came out of the darkness.
“Right here, Amy,” he called back. “I’m just finishing up. I’ll be there in a minute. Just wait for me over by the gates.”
Amy?
The flame of hope that had flickered in Lauren’s heart was snuffed out as surely as if one of the fire hoses had been turned on it.
Amy
. The name clattered against her eardrums. Suddenly she was hot with embarrassment, sick to her stomach with an all-consuming feeling of foolishness.
“Oh, oh my,” she stuttered frantically, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Just forget what I said. I didn’t mean to — I’m sorry, Caleb. I didn’t mean to — I have to go now.” She turned to leave, then thought she might faint. She stumbled and felt his hand close around her arm. He turned her around to face him. The shadows played on his face, hiding his emotion, but the green lights in his eyes flared.
“Our timing sucks,” he said. She thought she heard a tremor in his voice. Lauren could not make herself speak. Her breath caught in her throat, and she swayed a little in his grip. “I appreciate you telling me the truth,” he said. “I really do. And I meant everything I ever said to you, but I’m seeing someone now, and I’m trying to put my life on a solid path. I took two hits. I can’t afford another.”
Lauren took a deep breath. All her emotion seemed to drain from her, and she felt desolate and hollow, like the empty casings of the fireworks that littered the ground. “It’s all right,” she whispered, looking up at him, gazing into those burning green-lit eyes. His eyes never left her face. She could feel his fingers trembling on her arm. So this was to be it. This was the situation she would have to live with. “It’s all right,” she spoke again. “I wish you the best of everything, Caleb. Goodbye now.” He let go of her gently. His fingers slipped down her arm, searing her skin with his touch. Lauren turned away from him and started to walk back toward the parking lot. She looked back once over her shoulder and saw him disappear into the night.
Haltingly, she told Kelly and Brian what had transpired, and they rode the rest of the way home in silence. She dragged herself up to her room, undressed, and crawled into bed. The duvet settled around her like a soft, protective shield.
Then she began to cry. She cried most of the night. She cried at her own foolishness. She cried for the abandonment and loneliness. She cried for lost love.
In the morning, she rose and steeled herself for the future. If this was where she was, then she would accept it. She would not seek anything more, but she would go on with her life in one capacity or another. She would make a plan.