Smoky Mountain Dreams (28 page)

Gorgeous view? Hell yeah
.

Christopher ducked down. “Coming?”

Jesse popped the trunk of his blue Mercedes. He’d packed a
picnic and brought a blanket to sit on—an old quilt Nova had made during her
hippie quilting phase. As far as Jesse could tell, every hippie was required to
go through a quilting phase and a knitting phase. Nova had been through both
twice now. He suspected glass blowing might be next. Or maybe canning.

“I was happy when you wanted to get together today,”
Christopher said as they spread their blanket on the mountain side of a massive
oak tree so that other cars passing on the loop couldn’t see them. “After the
other night with Brigid, especially.”

They both kept their jackets on, the temperature too cold
even in the late sunshine. Christopher’s cheeks had pinked up. Jesse didn’t
know if it was entirely from the cold or if some of it was embarrassment at
bringing up Brigid’s behavior.

“I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. How
is
Brigid? Did
your talk with her go okay?”

 Jesse sighed. “I talked to her about how her behavior wasn’t
acceptable, how it had embarrassed me and also worried me that she’d do
something so unkind to someone she doesn’t even know.” He didn’t add that he’d
been relieved her behavior hadn’t run Christopher off.

“What did she say about her reasons?”

“She mainly just begged me not to take her iPad away, which,
I have to admit, I was pretty disappointed in, too. I’d hoped for remorse for
being awful to you and I’m not sure what I got. She lost her iPad for a week
and she’s supposed to apologize to you when she sees you.”

“That’s not…I mean, I don’t need that from her.”

“I want her to grow up to be a decent person, and learning
to apologize is part of that.”

“I’m sorry that something about me set her off. Do you think
it was seeing us in your studio?”

“Yeah, but she wasn’t kind to you when she met you either. I
guess she sensed…well, it doesn’t matter what she might have been sensing.
Because after the disciplinary aspect was dealt with and her friends had gone
home, we had a long talk.”

Christopher began unpacking the picnic basket, and Jesse helped.
French bread, Nutella and a knife, pumpkin-spice almond butter, and
apple-cranberry stuffed pork roast.

“It wasn’t an easy talk. I realize now that I should have
had it with her some time ago, and I plan to have a version of it with Will
over Thanksgiving weekend.”

Christopher nodded, opening the almond butter and spooning
some onto the plates Jesse had packed.

“Essentially, I reminded her that some men are romantically
and physically attracted to other men, and that I am one of those men. That was
hard for her to hear again because she’s older now and gets what that means.
She hears the nastiness directed at boys in her school deemed to be faggots,
and I think she’s scared of what me being bi might mean for her socially.”

Christopher frowned slightly but nodded.

“I can’t blame her for that. I think it also confuses her
about what it means for our family. What it would look like for a man instead
of a woman to be in our lives. I tried to explain that it doesn’t have to be
that different, but how do I know? I’ve never been in a relationship with a
guy. We’re, what? A month into whatever is happening between us, and I don’t
actually know what it will be like.”

“I understand.”

“Anyway, she kept asking me why I wouldn’t just please date
a woman, so I told her that sometimes I liked women, but that right now I like
you—” he broke off, his heart leaping into his throat. Was that too much?
Surely Christopher knew how he felt about him. It had to be obvious.

With a smile, Christopher glanced up at him. “I like you
too.”

Phew.
“And I let her know that I
understood it was confusing, but her mom has been gone a long time now and I’m
ready to…at least entertain the idea of…well, starting something romantic with
someone I really like.”

Christopher swallowed hard. “How did she react to that?”

Jesse sighed. “She cried.”

Christopher stopped putting together a sandwich with the
pork and French bread and looked up at Jesse, his face pinched. “Oh my God. I’m
sorry.”

“I think it was in reaction to a lot of things. She wouldn’t
really talk to me about it. I’m thinking about setting her up for more
appointments with Dr. Charles. He was the kids’ therapist for the year after
the accident. They still see him occasionally.”

Christopher squeezed Jesse’s wrist. Encouraging warmth spread
through his skin, and Jesse grabbed hold of Chris’s hand to bring his fingers
up to his lips and kiss them. They weren’t dainty fingers at all—nothing like
Marcy’s or even Hope’s. They were masculine, and golden hair glistened at his
knuckles and wrist. Christopher pulled his hand away to brush a leaf from Jesse’s
hair and then smiled at him. “Go on,” he said, returning to his food prep. “I’m
listening.”

Jesse cleared his throat and held back the thank you,
instead picking up where he left off. “I think she’s had some idea that if I
ever dated, it would be a woman, and maybe there’s been a lingering hope that
she might end up with…” Jesse didn’t want to say the words.

“That she might have a mom again.”

Jesse nodded.

Christopher sighed and gazed off toward the mountains, his
brows creased and sorrow laced with empathy on his face. “Poor kid. God, that’s
just so rough.”

“It’s not easy.”

“I want to make it easier for her.” Christopher turned to
him. “How can I do that? Stay away? Come around more? I mean, assuming you want
me around. I just—we’ve gone kind of from zero to sixty and I don’t want your
daughter to be a casualty of that.”

“I don’t know how to slow this down. Do you?”

“Stop seeing each other?” Christopher suggested
half-heartedly.

“Hell no. I
like
seeing you.”
Jesse wondered if Christopher realized that this Cades Cove excursion marked a
month since they’d met. He still couldn’t believe the luck of Christopher
coming to him about his grandmother’s locket. It sometimes stuck Jesse as too
perfect, and that terrified him and gave him comfort all at once.

Christopher worried at his lip, looking like his next words
cost him a bit. “We could still hook up.”

“No. Sex aside, you’re interesting, and you make me
feel…hopeful.” Jesse felt his own cheeks get hot. He’d wanted to say happy. He’d
wanted to say that Christopher made him feel in love for the first time in
years and years. “Should I turn in my man-card now?”

“If expressing what you want and feel means you can’t be a
man, then this society has a really fucked-up view of masculinity.”

Jesse chuckled. “Have you seen this society? Just walk down
the street in Gatlinburg to see prime examples of this culture’s masculinity.”

Christopher rolled his eyes. “When I walk down the street in
Gatlinburg, you know what I see? A bunch of mama’s boys. Tender-hearted mama’s
boys.”

Jesse laughed. “That’s true too.” He looked more closely at
Christopher and smiled at the dark smudges beneath his lower lashes. “You still
have eyeliner left over from your show.”

Christopher rubbed at his right eye with his thumb. “I was
in a hurry. Guess I didn’t wash up too well.”

“It’s nice on you.”

Christopher laughed softly. “Thanks. Does it remind you of
your misbegotten teenage goth years?”

“Saw that photo, did you?”

“Yeah. You were adorable.”

“You
are
adorable.”

Christopher blushed and gazed at where the sun was lowering
toward the mountains. “I like how I feel when I’m with you.”

Jesse’s heart thudded, his whole body tingled, and he wanted
to laugh, or kiss him, or yell his feelings until they echoed from the
mountains. “Me too.”

“You know, I’m not sure I’ve ever been with a bi guy before.”

“How do you feel about it?”

“To be honest, it makes me a little nervous. Hard to know
who the competition is.”

Jesse’s eyes lowered and then came up to meet Christopher’s.
“Maybe the problem is in thinking that it’s a competition. Something either is,
or it isn’t. And nothing really changes that.”

“It’s just…I’ve never been the one someone chooses, you
know? I’m second choice. I was for my mom and dad. Always the understudy in
high school plays. The guy they play the jukebox over when he performs in bars.
The one who gets dropped as soon as the ex returns from Afghanistan.”

“What is it with Afghanistan?” Jesse mused, a half-chuckle
out of his mouth, but not really feeling it, concern for Christopher winning
out.

Christopher ignored him. “I’m not trying to throw a pity
party here, but the fact that you’re bi sort of triggers my fear that maybe you
like dick second best, and by default, you like me second best.”

“It doesn’t work like that.” Except that it did. At least
when it came to Jesse. Only it was the exact opposite, and that was Jesse’s
shameful secret that he just wasn’t quite ready to share with Christopher yet.

“It doesn’t matter if it does or doesn’t. That’s a thought I
have and I needed to tell you about it. And then there are your kids, and
of course
they have to come first. I wouldn’t want to be
with a guy who didn’t put his kids first, because I was on the receiving end of
parenting like that and it sucks.”

“Christopher—”

“Wait, just let me make an asshole of myself and get it over
with, okay? Then we can eat, and you can digest what an idiot I am, and then…we’ll
see what happens after that.”

Jesse nodded, wishing he had pen and paper so he could take
notes on all the things he wanted to explain to Christopher, and all the ways
Christopher’s fears were—Jesse hoped—wrong.

“What I’m saying is that I’m used to being second choice.
You don’t have to feel bad about that when it comes to the kids. And if dick is
your second choice, well, hopefully there’s something else between us that will
make it worth it to you. I kind of feel like there could be.”

“There is.”

“Okay, because what I really want, more than being someone’s
first choice, is just to have you see me. Like have someone really, truly see
me.” Christopher cleared his throat, messed around with the hem of his jeans
and then looked back up at Jesse. “I did my best invisible boy act most of my
life. I perfected the art of being bland, boring, dull. I never did anything to
draw attention to myself because it was too dangerous.”

“With those eyes? Who could miss you?”

“It’s surprisingly easy to not be noticed. People want to
focus on themselves. I’d let them. It kept people from focusing on how I didn’t
have a girlfriend, or how I wasn’t really feeling the spirit at church, or how
I was gay as Christmas morning.”

“I understand. I did my own hiding by being so damn out that
no one could really see how scared I was underneath.”

“When I started performing, I was basically screaming, ‘Look
at me! See me! I’m special too!’ I swear to God, Jesse, until you, I didn’t
think anyone really ever would see it. But somehow it seems like you do.”

“I did the first time I saw you singing.”

Christopher laughed gently, almost like there were tears
somewhere deep behind it. “I know. I actually believe you now. Seeing you on
your knees by the piano the other night—the look on your face, and the way you
kissed me after. I believe you.”

Jesse’s chest ached. “You do something to me, Christopher
Ryder.”

“Yeah, well, you do something to me right back.”

The clouds had parted, and the golden-pink of sunset
reflected in Christopher’s eyes and on his pale skin, lighting him with the
same glow that Jesse had always seen in him onstage. They gazed at each other,
the whatever-it-was growing between them seeming to shimmer and dance on the
edge of Jesse’s vision.

“But Brigid comes first. And Will. I want to make whatever
might happen between us easier for them. Especially for her. If we can’t find a
way to do that, I understand that means not seeing you anymore. Like I said, I’m
second choice here. I
have
to be. I get that. It’s
okay.”

“No. It doesn’t have to be like that. I don’t want you
feeling that way.” It made Jesse’s throat tight to think of it.

Christopher put up his hand. “And I’ve never really been in
a real relationship before either. You should know that too.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It might.” Suddenly he flushed. “I mean, uh, if that’s what
we’re heading toward. A real relationship?”

Jesse stared at him, the soft lines of his body, the way his
light stubble sparkled in the setting sun, and the absolute sincerity in his
face. “I hope it is. And you’ve seriously got self-worth issues, you know that?”

Christopher laughed. “I came by them honestly.”

“Didn’t we all?”

“Yeah.” Then Christopher frowned. “But I don’t want that for
Will and Brigid. I want them to know they’re awesome and never doubt it.”

Jesse’s chest bloomed with warmth. “I wish it was possible
for them to never doubt. To never hurt.” He touched Christopher’s cheek again. “But
it’s amazing how much pain you can take and keep on living. Even manage to find
something to live for. Not that I want to test it again. I think I learned that
lesson well enough the first time around.”

Christopher looked like he might cry for him, and Jesse
rubbed his thumb along Christopher’s lower lip. “Let’s not be so morbid now.”
He pressed their lips together softly. “Let’s eat and enjoy the sunset.”

But Jesse kissed him again, and again, and maybe the food
could wait a little while longer.