When Christopher finally spoke after playing in silence as
the minutes ticked by, the question he asked surprised him, but it looked like
it surprised Jesse more. “Were you happy with her?”
Jesse jerked up, his gaze meeting Christopher’s with a
rawness that hurt to see.
“I loved her. Happy is another thing altogether.”
“So, no?”
“It’s not that simple. I started out happy, but over time
something went missing. I didn’t feel satisfied.” Jesse looked at Christopher,
a shadow in his eyes. “Sometime after Will was born, I just couldn’t seem to
find the spark anymore. It wasn’t anything she did wrong, and it wasn’t that I
didn’t love her, because I loved her more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my
life except the kids.”
“I’ve heard that sometimes kids change things.”
“No. Well, yes, but that wasn’t the problem. It wasn’t that
having the kids turned her into someone else, or that she stopped being
attractive, or anything like that. She was as beautiful as ever. Funny,
smart…tired, sure, but so was I. And she was a good mom. Her career situation
was a mess, but given time I’m sure she would’ve straightened it out. She
wanted to go back to U.T. and study forestry. She wanted to try to get work in
the national park.” Jesse sighed. “She loved the outdoors.”
There was silence for a few moments while Jesse seemed to
consider what to say next, and Christopher played the chords to “Boy with a
Paper Heart.” Finally, when it seemed like Jesse wasn’t going to say anything
else, he asked, “What was she like?” He continued to play softly.
“When we were kids she was a daredevil. A spitfire. Nothing
like Nova and Tim, who’re all into peace and love and harmony. Nothing like her
sister Ronnie either. Just full-on Marcy. We did a lot of stupid shit together.”
He smiled. “I miss her, you know?”
Christopher stopped playing, and leaned over to squeeze
Jesse’s forearm gently. Jesse seemed encouraged by that and cast him a grateful
look before continuing.
“But things weren’t right between us, even though I loved
her.” Jesse closed his eyes and shook his head, and then opened them again to
gaze up at the ceiling like he was searching for the way to say the next words.
“It was sex.”
“You didn’t enjoy sex with her?”
“I did. But, see, before I fell in love with Marcy, I’d
always identified as gay. I fucked men and I liked it. I’d never felt any
desire for a woman. But I’d never felt what I’d call love for a man either. Not
the kind of love you read about where you’d do anything for that person to make
sure they were happy and safe.”
“I want that kind of love one day.” The words were out
before Christopher could stop them. His breath stuttered.
Jesse looked at him with soft eyes. “I want you to have it.
You deserve it.”
Christopher swallowed hard and started to play again, but he
didn’t take his eyes away from Jesse as he asked, “Could you feel that kind of
love for a man? Or is there a missing connection between the sexual desire and
your romantic inclinations?”
“I could fall for a man. I know that now,” Jesse said. “It
would just need to be the right man.”
Christopher whispered, “Go on.” The anger and hurt and
humiliation he’d felt earlier were gone, replaced by only concern and longing.
He knew in his heart that Jesse hadn’t meant to keep the truth from him, and
what they had between them was too good to abandon over a miscommunication.
“I felt that kind of love for Marcy. The kind you hear
about. And when that grew into something sexual too, no one was more surprised
than the two of us.”
“So what happened? The sexual attraction just faded away?”
“I don’t know how to describe it. Eventually, I just…I
wanted men. I told myself it didn’t matter—that sex didn’t matter. I consider
myself bisexual, but sometimes I think I was really just bi when it came to
her.”
Christopher put down the guitar and scooted over to the sofa.
He was ready to touch now—ready to be as vulnerable as he felt; as vulnerable
as Jesse was being. He slid into the space under Jesse’s arm and brought it
down around his shoulder, turning so he could still see the side of his face.
Jesse relaxed a little next to him, exhaling audibly, and before he spoke
again, he turned and pressed a kiss to Christopher’s temple.
“Do you want me to keep talking?”
“Yeah. I want to know it all. No more surprises.”
Jesse nodded. “You believe that I didn’t intend to keep Marcy’s
condition from you? Because I truly didn’t, Chris. I’m so sorry that happened.”
Christopher nuzzled Jesse’s cheek. “I know. I believe you.”
Jesse exhaled again. “Thank you.”
“Go on, then. I’m listening.”
“So, I wasn’t satisfied, but we already had a family
together and the good outweighed the bad. I told myself to ignore whatever was
missing. I tried to believe that living without having sex with men was better
than breaking up our home.”
“That’s honorable.”
“Maybe. But with the way things turned out…well, fuck. I’ve
felt so shitty about it over the years.”
“You couldn’t help how you felt.”
“But I didn’t have to hurt her.”
“Oh. She knew?”
“Yeah, she knew. We’d talked about it. We were always honest
with each other, for better or worse. I’d told her when I realized the feelings
weren’t going away. She was hurt of course, but in her usual no-bullshit sort
of way.”
“Oh hell, Jesse.” He snuggled in closer, wrapping his arms
around Jesse, wanting to help hold his pain.
“It’s okay, Chris. Really. It’s been a long time now.” Jesse’s
voice was rough with emotion, making a lie of his words.
“Five years isn’t that long when it’s shit like this.”
“No, I guess not.” He buried his nose in Christopher’s hair,
breathing in and out slowly. When he spoke again, his voice was still tight,
but he seemed calmer. “Everything changed after the accident. I changed. We all
did. Brigid used to be a really easy-going kid, but now she’s anxious and
suspicious of strangers. Suspicious of you.”
“I understand. It’s not her fault. She misses her mama.”
“It wrecked her. Stole her childhood. Broke her heart.”
Jesse’s voice came with hot breaths that puffed over
Christopher’s head and the back of his neck as he pressed his ear to Jesse’s
chest to listen to his heartbeat.
Jesse went on, “Will’s too, in a way. But he was younger and
more resilient by nature. Fuck, I’d do anything to give Brigid her mom back.”
“Me too,” Christopher said, and his mind went to her origami
cranes. Jesse’s heartbeat sounded in his ear, warm and alive and resonant.
Christopher imagined small fingers fluidly going through the movements of
folding the cranes and creasing the lines. He knew what that took. So much
intent
. “I’d make two thousand paper cranes,” he
whispered, but he wasn’t sure Jesse heard him over his struggle to regain his
composure.
Jesse was silent for a moment, but then carried on, like he
needed to say it. Christopher wondered if he’d ever admitted these things to
anyone else at all.
“We’d talked divorce. We’d even talked open marriage. But neither
of us really wanted that. We weren’t happy with the status quo, either. No
matter how hard I tried, I’d checked out of sex with her. It wasn’t anything
better than comforting, which was pleasant, but not compelling. Not how it was
in the beginning when we were both so in love and our bodies were so new to
each other.”
“Do you think it would be like that with a man? You’d get
bored when the rush of newness faded?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so. Like I said, I’ve never
been in love with a man before.” He lifted Christopher’s head and examined his
face. He seemed reassured by what he found there, and traced his fingers down
Christopher’s cheek as he said, “Sex with men was always more rewarding for me.
I think if I fell in love with a man, then it wouldn’t lose its appeal no
matter how long we were together. Or maybe I’m a fickle asshole. I don’t know.”
“You can’t know until it happens.”
And I
want it to happen with me.
Christopher concentrated on keeping his voice
even. “Otherwise, it’s all speculation.”
“Exactly. But I tortured myself with those kinds of
questions for months and months, trying to figure out what to do. Then none of
it even mattered in the end.”
“Jesse…” Christopher nuzzled his neck, taking in his
masculine scent overlaid with liquor now. “I’m so sorry.”
“One of the last things she said to me was that she should’ve
known better than to marry a gay man.”
“Damn, Jesse.”
“It’s okay. She didn’t say it to hurt me. It wasn’t
passive-aggressive. Just real. I mean, she was sincerely accepting some of the
blame for where we were, even though it was all on me.”
“You can’t help who you are.”
Jesse didn’t acknowledge that. “It wasn’t the
very
last thing she said to me, though. That was, ‘Can you
get Brigid from dance class? I’m going to the store for Will’s allergy
medicine.’” He smiled wryly and then let out another heavy sigh. “Will was with
Nova, thank God.”
“That’s too close.” Christopher thought of Will, his
laughter and easy way, and felt grateful as hell to have the chance to know
him.
Jesse’s voice was soft when he spoke next, breaking with
emotion. “I still love her. She was my girl. My first love. I failed her in our
marriage, but I’m not going to fail her in this.”
Christopher held him tight and bit back the question he knew
he would ask next. For now, he just wanted to be with Jesse in the moment; let
the quiet of the room and the pounding of their hearts get them through it
together.
“Tell me more about her,” Christopher said finally, tracing
his fingers over Jesse’s cheek. His skin felt chilly, so Christopher pulled him
closer. “What was she like? Why did you love her?”
Jesse smirked. “When we were kids together, she was a real
tigress and no nonsense, but always able to keep up with all my troublemaking.”
Christopher kissed Jesse’s neck and breathed in his scent. “What
kinds of things did you do?”
“Oh man, so many things. There was the time we went cliff
jumping at the bluffs down in Knoxville. We started out at the twenty-five foot
jump, but we dared each other up to the sixty-five foot jump.” Jesse snorted
softly. “I’ll never forget her scream when she leaped off the edge. We went
down together, and when we surfaced, she was laughing.”
“Wow. That’s more daring than I’d ever be. Just watching
people jump from those always makes me feel sick,” Christopher said.
Jesse squeezed Christopher’s shoulders. “Promise me you’ll
keep your feet on solid ground.”
“You don’t want me to keep up with you?”
Jesse shook his head. “I’m not so wild anymore. The
Firebender makes me puke. The idea of jumping off those cliffs makes me
lightheaded. Somewhere along the way I grew up and so did she. It was probably
having the kids, but eventually I stopped being reckless and it’s not something
I miss.”
“I was never reckless. That would have brought on too much
attention. I just tried to stay out of everyone’s way.”
Jesse stroked a hand over Christopher’s hair. “You get a lot
of attention now up on that stage. I guess you crave it after being in the
shadows so long?”
Christopher shifted against Jesse’s warm body. “I don’t want
to talk about that. Tell me more about when you were teenagers.”
Jesse was quiet for a few moments, and then chuckled softly.
“I remember this one time when we were seventeen or so, we hiked up into the
mountains on one of her favorite trails, and we free climbed this rock wall. I
don’t know what the hell we were thinking. It probably wasn’t high enough to
kill us if we fell, but a broken neck wouldn’t have been out of the question.”
“Do you still like to hike?”
Jesse shrugged. “I take the kids up. Nothing too strenuous.
We camp out sometimes, but Brigid isn’t that into it. She says it’s scary. I
think the night feels too big to her up there. She’s timid. Will loves it
though.”
“Will’s not timid, that’s for sure.”
“No. He’d probably jump out of a plane without a parachute
if someone told him it’d be fun. Gotta keep my eye on that kid.”
“Was that it? Just reckless thrill seeking? Was there
drinking? Drugs?”
“Oh, we drank all right. Drugs—well, we did our fair share
when we were traveling in Europe, I guess. But getting high wasn’t ever my
thing. I was doing internships with jewelers, and I needed to have a clear
head. My metabolism was good enough back then that alcohol cleared off pretty
fast, but most drugs I played with left me feeling awful. Marcy hated the way
marijuana slowed her down, and cocaine didn’t do much for her at all. We tried
acid once with some guy I was screwing in Paris, but it was weird. Neither of
us liked it. After Brigid, though, we didn’t mess with any drugs. I haven’t
missed that kind of thing.”
“Tell me about Europe?”
“Oh God, it was amazing. We were dumb and young and ready to
throw ourselves at life. It was fantastic seeing the world.”
“Do you miss it?”
“Yeah. Well, no. I mean, I think about taking the kids
eventually or…well, the other day I was thinking how much I’d like seeing you
on the beach in the Riviera.”
Christopher’s palms tingled. “You did?”
“I know—it’s fast for thoughts like that. But I want to give
you things, take you places, and listen to you sing for as long as you’ll let
me. Does that sound like too much?”
“No, because I want that too. I want to take you to meet my
Gran, and go places with you, and sing you all my songs,” Christopher
whispered, his heart pounding. “I want to be there for you and for your kids.
And it’s all too soon, I know, but I want it anyway.”
Jesse’s fingers on Christopher’s chin were tender as he
tilted his head up for a kiss. It was slow and sweet, with gentle lips and soft
tongue, and it didn’t advance to something more, like Jesse was enjoying just
tasting him and nuzzling his face.