So Many Reasons Why (8 page)

Once. He had time to play golf, wine and dine clients, but
no time to see his daughter. How did that work?

“How are your studies going?” Mom smiled at me, deliberately
redirecting the conversation.

“Good.” I shovelled the last bit of my scone into my mouth. Yet
again I'd outdone myself. These scones were awesome. The secret was the
lemonade. And the cream. Cream can make even the worst scone seem tasty. Hell,
cream made everything tasty. Cooking was what I did to try and hide the way I
was feeling. I cooked a lot.

“You know Emma, this internet is the way to go nowadays.”
Gran addressed me with all seriousness as she spooned a heap of cream onto her
scone. “I’ve met up with four lovely men in the past week alone.”

“Gran!” I exclaimed, unable to keep the smile off my face.
Gran was widowed and ninety-six. Not only was she on Facebook and Twitter, she
had discovered the dating scene a few weeks ago. I now knew more about Mix and
Mate, Perfect Match, and Adult Fun than I had ever cared to.

I'd learned two very disturbing things off gran. The first
was the libido of the over eighty age group was insane. They made prostitutes
look like church going virgins, and; the number of men under the age of sixty
who were into a 'mature' woman was astounding.

“There is nothing wrong with shopping around Emma. How am I
supposed to milk the cow?” Gran shrugged her shoulders unapologetically.

I coughed mid swallow, sending bits of scone across the
table Mom shrugged at me helplessly, looking rather embarrassed. Again.

“So long as you’re happy, gran.” It was all I could say.

Should I be embarrassed that my great grandmother was
getting more action than me? Probably.

If you discount the attack, I had never been with any boy.
It's hard to meet men when you're housebound. And Tom was well... Tom. We were
such good friends that sex had never been an issue we'd had to deal with. It
had never even come up.

Pardon the pun.

Cass answered on the first ring.

“Expecting someone?”

“No.” She replied hurriedly. “I was just holding my phone.
What’s up?”

“I need a little favour. Something I can’t really explain
over the phone.” This was more than enough to get Cass’s attention. I never
asked for favours.

“Sure. I will be over soon. Just have to finish something
off here.”

“Bent penis guy? While on the phone to me?” I gaped at her.
Why the hell did she even answer the phone/?

“Yeah he kind of came over and, well, it just happened.”
Cass at least had the decency to blush. “I tried to take a picture for you.”
She added, grinning.

“I don’t want a picture!” I couldn’t think of anything worse
than seeing Cass’s latest boyfriends bent wang. “Geez Cass!” Cass giggled,
showing no signs of shame. “So you like this guy then?”

“Honestly? No. He is rude, obnoxious, and not really my type
at all.”

“Then
why
?” I gasped, giggling. Cass blushed again.

“Because when I told you he could hit the right notes, I
wasn’t kidding.”

“Cass!” I groaned. She gaped at me, her eyebrows raised. She
tried to look serious, but it was no use. Neither of us could keep a straight
face. “Cass. You are crazy.”

“That’s great coming from you, Miss ‘I Can’t Find Any Man
Sexy.’ I don’t expect you to understand, but I have needs that need to be dealt
with.” Cass stared at me strangely. “You are blushing. Why are you blushing?”
Her face lit up into a smile as she realised.

“You little slut!” My face went redder.

“Simon?” repeated Cass. “Hot law professor who goes to our
university, who is twice our age Simon?”

I blushed. To that point, I hadn't really considered the age
difference. He was four years younger than my mother. Which made him 18 years
older than me. That was going to be an issue with many people, including my
parents. I didn't need Cass banging on about it too.

“Simon who is a bit of an asshole, Simon?” Cass added. I
rolled my eyes. I could tell this was going to go down so well…

“Nothing has happened.” I felt the need to defend myself,
which was crazy considering Cass had had enough sexual partners to fill a
stadium.

“I can’t point out how many things are wrong with this.”
Groaned Cass. “Does he know about..? You know…”

“Gee Cass, how the hell would I have worked that into the
conversation?” I tried unsuccessfully to keep the annoyance out of my voice.
Cass had always been nothing but supportive of me. It had never occurred to me
that she might have a problem with this.

Why did she have such a problem with this? How was this any
worse than her using bent penis guy for sex? It scared me that I might not be
able to share things with Cass. I needed her, and her support.

“I’m sorry Em.” Her face softened. “I’m just worried about
you.”

“And I appreciate that, but you're not really helping here.”
I was nervous enough without having to worry about not having her support. She
jumped off my bed and gave me a hug. I relaxed, hugging her back. This was what
I needed. My best friend.

“What can I do?' she asked, her whole demeanour changed.
Gone was all the negativity. Cass looked at me with bright eyes. She smiled,
and I knew her feelings were sincere. She just wanted me happy.

“You can try being a friend for starters.” I couldn't resist
a final dig at her.

“You know I'm always on your side.” Cass looked hurt. I
reached over and squeezed her hand, instantly regretting my retort.

“Then let me enjoy this with you.” I pleaded. “Besides, all
Tom has done is give me shit.”

Cass laughed when I told her what he'd done. Even I was
smiling by the end of it. Not that he was forgiven. No, he still needed to pay
for that, big time.

“So,” Cass began. “Have you kissed him?”

“No.” I blushed. “We are just friends. I think friendship is
all I could handle. Right now at least.” Cass nodded, her eyes full of
understanding.

“Em, you go at the pace you need to. If he is the right guy
for you, he will understand. What can I do?”

“I need something to wear.” I looked at her sadly, motioning
to the mess of clothes covering my floor.

Cass jumped up, determined and smiling. “I’ve been telling
you for ears you have no taste. Give me an hour. Have coffee ready for me.” She
instructed, putting on her jacket.

“Cass, what the- At least take some cash.” I called, waving
some notes at her. She ignored my pleas and raced out the door. I stretched my
legs out on the couch. I knew I had a few hours wait ahead of me. Cass was an
obsessive shopper. I checked my email.

My mood dropped slightly when I saw there were no messages.
I really wanted to call him, but I couldn't bring myself to press dial. In the
end, I settled on a text, in the hope he'd ring me. It worked.

“Hello you.”

“Hi.” I smiled. I loved hearing his voice.

“So, do you know anything about forcing children to eat
vegetables?” He asked, amused. I laughed, childhood memories of me stuffing
cabbage into my socks filling my head.

“No children like vegetables,” I giggled. “Did you?”

“No, but that's not the point.” He laughed. “I’m not four
and throwing a little tantrum.” Maddie cried loudly in the background. Poor
girl.

“What are you trying to make her eat?” I was picturing a big
plate of cabbage and cauliflower.

“Broccoli and sprouts.” Well, I wasn’t that far off. Even I
wouldn’t eat that.

“Look, you have to make it fun. No kid is going to eat that.
You have to pick vegetables that are edible, for starters.” I loved that he was
asking me for advice. For once I didn’t feel like the inexperienced one in our
relationship. “Tell you what. Boil some potatoes, pumpkin, carrots and beans,
then fry them off together, all mashed up, and serve it on toast. Tell her it’s
my secret recipe.”

“You’re secret recipe hey?” He repeated, amused.

“Just do it. And call me back.” He laughed and agreed to
call me back. My stomach rumbled. All that talk of food had made me hungry. All
that was in the fridge was some mince, and a few vegies that were heading past
their prime. Maybe I could pull a
Masterchef
moment and make something out of all this.

Twenty minutes later, my full plate of pasta was looking
pretty good.

“Open up, Em!”

I rolled my eyes. Cass had the worst timing. I put aside my
dinner and ran to the door.

“Do you purposely wait until it's a bad time, or is that
just luck?” I teased her. She looked up at me in mock horror.

“I guess it's just luck.” She poked her tongue out at me. “I
can go if you prefer. And take this shopping with me?” She held the bags within
my view and started backing toward the lift. I eyed the bags. We both knew
she'd won this round.

“Get in here.” I grumbled. “If you want pasta, there is
leftover in the pot.” Cass never said no to a free meal. She joined me on the
couch, her plate piled high with pasta. I envied her ability to eat whatever
she liked and still stay so thin. It's not like she exercised either. Her idea
of exercise was shopping. She caught me looking at her.

“What?” She asked, her eyebrows creasing.

“Nothing. I wish I could eat like you.”

“Why not? Not like you ever go out. Who is going to care if
you're a few pounds bigger?” She faked a surprised look.  “Oh, that's
right. Professor Hottie.” She teased. I rolled my eyes at her and gave her the
finger. “His eyesight is probably so bad it won’t matter what you wear.” she
made a face at me. “You know, being so old and all.”

“Jealous much?” I gave her the finger. “He’s 38, not 60.”

“
Jealous?
” Cass
made a face. “Not me, but I'm sure I could name quite a few females who would
be royally pissed off.” Cass licked her fork and giggled.  “You should
hear the talk about him before classes. I swear half his roll is only taking
the class to perve.”

“I can understand why.” I giggled. Cass smiled too. It was
good to be able to talk to her about him. I needed this.

“So” Cass began, pausing to pile another mouthful of pasta
into her mouth. “How did it all start? Have you done the deed yet?” Good old
Cass. Always the romantic. No messing about with her.

“No, I told you we haven't even kissed yet. I'm not sure I
want to.” I did want to. I wanted to really badly. I just wasn't sure I could.

“Things will go smoothly so long as you are open about
things.” Cass was right. I knew that. “And that's a two way street. Both of you
need to be open about what you want from the beginning. It's obvious there is
some level of attraction there, but you need to think before you pursue it.
There are lots of things riding on this. You both have baggage.” she added
seriously.

Strangely though, that was far from my biggest concern. In
the back of my mind paranoid Emma was screaming 'what if he rejects you'.

“If you tell him how you feel and it goes nowhere, it’s not
a reflection on you, Em.” Cass echoed my thoughts. “And I don't want to go on
about the negatives, but have you really thought about the age difference?” I
shot her a look. She raised her hands defensively

“I don't have a problem with it, but some people might Em.
Your parents for a start. His parents. His friends.” Cass put her empty plate
on the table. “His daughter.”  Her eyes showed nothing but concern for me.
I knew Cass, and I knew she just wanted me prepared. For everything. 

“I can barely move past the fact that I like him. How others
will view it hasn’t even entered my thought process.” Had he thought about it?
How his friends and family would react? He hadn't spoken about them much. Cass
was quiet. She looked at me.

“Em, there is also the school board, should they find out.
And the DA office. I am positive it is a bad career move for him, getting involved
with a student.” She said quietly.

She came over and wrapped her arms around me. It had never
occurred to me that I could ruin his career. It was a given the university
would not approve, but it wasn’t against the law. Student and professor relationships
weren’t encouraged, but they happened. Only he wasn't just a professor. He was
the Assistant District Attorney. Any kind of scandal would surely effect his
position, and any chance of furthering his career. Was I ready to be
responsible for that?

“Em, I'm just trying to get you to consider everything. Both
of you.” She kissed my forehead as I fought back tears. Suddenly, she was
pulling me to my feet. “Enough of the pity party. Let’s get your outfit ready.”

“Hello?” I call out. My head hurts. Everything hurts. I
glance around the room. I shiver. It is so cold. I struggle to remember what
happened. How did I get here? I look down at my hands. The rope is starting to
rub through my skin. I begin to cry.
 

I woke up, breathing hard. My hands gripped the soft suede
fabric of the couch. My couch. Another nightmare. No matter how often they
came, I could never get used to them. They left me feeling so empty and scared,
just like I did when I was ten years old. I rubbed along my arm, the sweat
apparent on my fingers.

I stared at the cream ceiling above me. The feeling of it
closing in on me slowly began to subside. My alarm sounded. Simon would be here
soon. I needed a shower. Why did I think a nap was a good idea?

My reflection stared back me in the hallway mirror. I
smoothed over the black skirt Cass had brought me. The blue top was more
revealing than my usual attire, but I loved the way it made me feel. I felt
sexy. Blue was a great choice with my dark hair and blue eyes. I tugged down
the top slightly to reveal the slightest glance of my black lace bra.

I blushed as I thought about the matching lace panties. Cass
had assured me there was nothing wrong with a bit of playing, and playing
didn't entitle him to anything more. It was kind of funny hearing Cass give me
the 'no means no' and 'I can stop at any time' lecture. That was probably the
one thing I had been glad to miss out on growing up. The sex talk. I don’t know
if mom had found it too awkward, or whether she thought I simply didn’t need
it, but not once had she spoken to me about sex. Gran had, but then again, gran
usually brought sex up in every conversation.