So You Call Yourself a Man (11 page)

I was staring out the window of the Coconut Grill restaurant in Manhattan as I waited for Tiffany to show up for dinner. It was directly across from the Beacon Theater, where we were supposed to see Tyler Perry's new stage play. With that all being said, I was about to walk out of the restaurant because Tiffany was an hour and thirty-five minutes late for dinner, and the play had started five minutes ago. I called both her house and her cell phone several times, but only got her voice mail, with no returned calls. It was hard for me to believe that she'd stood me up, though, because I'd talked to her when she got off work and she was very excited about dinner and the play. She loved Tyler Perry's DVDs and kept telling me how happy she was because this would be her first live show. She even went as far as to make arrangements for the kids to stay with their father for the night, so you know it was going to be on when we got back to my place.

I decided to give her cell one more try, but the phone just went straight to voice mail again. I really didn't want to leave, but sometimes you just have to face facts. Tiffany, like Jessica, had fucked me! Who knows? Maybe her ex came over and made her an offer she couldn't refuse. Despite what she had told me, I knew she still cared about him. Why else would she keep his old love letters and pictures in a box in the back of her closet? Of course, I'd taken care of that by depositing the box in the nearest Dumpster when I left the night I found them. I don't think she'd noticed yet that they were missing, or at least, she hadn't confronted me about it.

Damn
, I thought,
she was supposed to be different
.
She was supposed to love me unconditionally.

“Sir, can I get you another Heineken while you wait?” The waitress snapped me out of my thoughts. I glanced out the window, hoping and praying that Tiffany would be walking up to the building or standing in front of the theater, but that was only wishful thinking.

“Do you mind if I ask you a question about women?”

The waitress nodded.

“If someone doesn't show up for a date, are they trying to send you a message?”

The waitress gave me a sympathetic smile. “It depends. Things happen sometimes that aren't planned. Does she have children? Maybe her kid got sick.” Damn, I never even thought about her kids.

I gave the waitress an inquisitive glance. “But no matter the excuse, shouldn't she have at least called?”

“Definitely. If she didn't call, she didn't give a…” She didn't finish her sentence, but I got the point. She was right, Tiffany didn't give a shit.

I lowered my head. “Thanks for the advice. I guess I gotta go kick someone to the curb…if she hasn't already kicked me to it first.” I stood up, reached into my pocket, and pulled out a twenty-dollar bill, placing it on the table. I wasn't sure how much a beer cost in that joint, but I'm sure it was considerably less than the twenty dollars I left. “Oh, by the way, keep the change.”

“Thanks, mister,” the waitress replied with a grin. “Next time you need some Oprah-type advice, come on by. I read all of Dr. Phil's books.”

I wanted to laugh, but I was just a little bit too angry. I really thought Tiffany cared about me. I walked out of the restaurant, checking my watch as I lit a cigarette. She was now officially an hour and fifty minutes late. I felt like a fool. She'd dissed me, and there was nothing I hated worse than disrespect. I was going to have to reevaluate our relationship, and it looked like we were finished.

I was about to hail a cab when I heard Tiffany shouting my name. I ignored her, chuckling pitifully as I raised my hand to flag down a driver. If she'd shown up ten minutes earlier, I would have been upset about her missing dinner but still been happy to attend the show, although I would have purposely complained about being hungry the entire time. But this wasn't ten minutes ago, and we'd now missed almost a half-hour of the show. She shouted my name again, this time pressing her horn like she'd lost her mind.

“Sonny! Sonny!”

I glanced in the direction of her voice. She was getting out of her double-parked car and heading my way, looking flustered, and actually, kind of beautiful, with her hair windblown and cheeks all flushed. She was wearing a red silk dress with an asymmetrical hemline, which showed off her beautiful thighs. I'm sure it complemented her ass, too, but that was beside the point. Right now, I was pissed. But I don't think she noticed when she approached me.

“Sonny, where you going?”

“Where am I going? I'm going home.” My voice was dripping with attitude, while her voice sounded exhausted.

“Home? But I thought…”

I turned and pointed my finger at her. “You
thought
? Like I
thought
you would call if you were going to be late. I
thought
you were going to be here two hours ago. And I
thought
you were different.” She just didn't understand. I cared about this woman so much I actually had to fight back tears.

“Sonny, don't be like that. I am different. You know that. You don't know what I've been through trying to get here. Kareem…” She laid her hand gently on my upper arm and I backed away, gesturing for her to leave me alone.

“Save it, okay? I really don't wanna hear it. You could have told me that when you called.” I spoke with bitter contempt. “Oh, that's right. You didn't call, did you?”

“I know. I'm sorry. I couldn't find my phone. I think someone stole it.”

“Oh, that's a convenient excuse. Why didn't you use a pay phone or your house phone?”

She stared at me sadly. “I don't know your number. It's in my phone.”

“What, you don't know my number by heart?” How could she not know it after three weeks of dating? “We talk almost three times a day.”

“I don't know anybody's number by heart. Whenever I lose my phone, I lose contact with half the people I know.”

“Are you trying to say that you want to lose contact with me?”

“No, Sonny, that's not what I mean. You act like you have my number memorized.”

“I do.” I recited her digits while she stared at me, looking stupid.

“Sonny, you're making way too much of this, baby.”

I couldn't believe she just said that. “Is that what you think? That I'm making too much of this? You're two hours late. We missed the show, and you didn't even have the common courtesy to call me.” I started to walk away and she followed me like a little kid. “You know what, Tiffany? Brent and James warned me about you. You ain't any different than Jessica.” I resumed my search for a cab. “Taxi!”

“Damn it, Sonny! Why won't you just listen to me?” She reached up and grabbed my arm, trying to pull it down, and I angrily jerked it back up in the air.

“Get the fuck off me,” I growled, staring at her as if I was about two seconds from smacking the shit outta her.

“Go ahead. Hit me. I can take it. It won't be the first time a man hit me for no reason. At least then maybe we can talk civilized and you'll let me explain.” I froze for a second. Either she had a legitimate excuse for being so late or she was crazy as hell. I'd never had a woman tell me to hit her before. Just the thought of it snapped me back to reality. I lowered my hand.

“I'm not going to hit you. I just want you to leave me alone.”

“Why? What are you afraid of, Sonny? All I wanna do is tell you why I was late. If you don't wanna listen for me, do it for my kids. They love you, Sonny, and so do I.”

I folded my arms and stared at her silently. Did she mean it? Did she really love me, or was she just saying that because she thought it was what I wanted to hear? I looked in her face and she looked sincere. I wanted to believe her so bad. I wasn't sure what the truth was, but it was the mention of the kids that truly softened me. Besides, I was curious about what type of excuse she was going to come up with for being late. Whatever it was, it had better be a good one, because I had promised myself that I would never again let Tiffany or any other woman disrespect me like Jessica did.

“Aw'ight, I'm listening.”

Tiffany's face crumpled as she took a deep breath. “Well, for starters, Kareem wouldn't watch the kids. I tried to find a babysitter, but I couldn't, so I had to take them with me.”

“Take them with you? What are you talking about? Where are the kids?”

She pointed at her car. “In the backseat.”

“The backseat? You're joking, right?”

She shook her head. I walked over to the car and peeked in. She wasn't lying at all. The kids were there, sound asleep. I turned toward her, suddenly feeling like shit. All I had to do was let her explain, but in my stubbornness, I wanted to believe she would do me wrong.

“I'm sorry I didn't wanna listen.” I spoke very softly.

“That's okay. I know how it must have looked. Can we go home now?”

She tossed me the key, then got into the passenger seat. I opened the driver's-side door and slid into the car.

“Why wouldn't Kareem watch the kids? He ain't seen them since we started dating.”

She hesitated as if she didn't want to talk about him, but if I had anything to say about it, she was going to. I cleared my throat, giving her the look.

“It's my fault. He just gets me so mad. I should have never told him,” she said sadly.

“Told him what?” I tried to conceal the jealousy in my voice, but I'm sure she could hear it.

“He asked me where I was going, so I told him, on a date—”

I cut her off. “Why'd you tell him anything? He's not your man. I'm your man.”

“I know you're my man. And I don't know why I told him, but once I did, he started trippin'.”

“Trippin' how? He didn't put his hands on you, did he?” I was starting to breathe hard. If he touched her, I swear to God he was a dead man.

“No, but he tried to tell me that I was moving too fast and that he couldn't condone me dating this soon after we divorced, so he wasn't watching the kids.”

I was now fire hot. “Moving too fast? Condone? Who the hell is he to tell you anything, much less what he condones? That son of a bitch can kiss my ass.”

“He's just jealous, Sonny. When I left him, he told me I'd never find anyone else who would love me the way he did. Well, I found you, baby, and he's just jealous that I'm happy.”

“You know I never liked Kareem,” I snapped angrily.

“I know that. I don't like him either, but he's my kids' father. What am I supposed to do?”

“You could always take out a life-insurance policy on him and have him killed.”

She laughed. “I already have a policy on him. But I couldn't get lucky enough to find someone to kill him.”

“Yeah, you never know,” I said with a smirk.

“Let's stop talking about Kareem, okay? Let's just make up for the time we missed tonight and try to enjoy what's left of it.” She reached over and took my hand, kissing it gently. “I love you, Sonny.”

I glanced over at her, then looked at the kids in the rearview mirror. “I love you, too, but if we're going to be together, we're going to have some ground rules. You got it?”

“Yes, I got it.” She smiled at me.

“I'm serious, Tiffany.”

“So am I, Sonny. I'm happy for the first time in years. I don't wanna blow this. Now, take me home so I can show you just how serious I am.”

So there I was, only six weeks after my honeymoon, waiting in Bishop Wilson's office for him to counsel me on my marriage. Why was I there? Guilt, I guess. I hadn't been able to make love to Alison without fantasizing about Jackie in almost three weeks. That's not so good when you're trying to make a love child. Unfortunately, after seeing Jackie's exposed rear, my wife just didn't do it for me anymore. Not to mention the fact that Jackie was putting more and more pressure on me each week. I loved Alison and I knew that if I wanted to remain married and have a family, something was going to have to give. This thing with Jackie had to stop before the fantasies and constant flirting became reality.

To pass time as I waited for Bishop Wilson, I studied the plaques on his office wall. In addition to his many accomplishments, he also held an M.F.C.C. in Guidance and Counseling. Not that I even knew what that meant, but I guessed it meant he knew what he was talking about. Cracking my knuckles, I vacillated. Should I stay or should I go? I almost got up to leave. Perhaps I should've talked to Sonny or James about the whole situation, but I didn't.

There are a lot of things I never told my two friends, and there were certain things I couldn't tell anyone except God. Anyhow, since I got saved, Bishop Wilson and the first lady had been like family to Alison and me. I guess that's why I was waiting for him. As the head of the church, he was as close to God as anyone I knew. They say you should go to the elders of the church when you have a test of faith. Well, I was definitely having one. This problem with thoughts of lust and adultery didn't seem to want to go away.

“Are you waiting for me, Brother Williams?” My thoughts were interrupted by Bishop Wilson as he walked into the office.

“Yes, sir, Bishop. I was hoping we could talk.”

“Sure. Let me get out of this robe and I'll be right with you.” I turned around and watched him put down his briefcase, take off his robe, and sit down at his desk. I detected a note of sadness, but he was still holding his head up high as usual. The bishop carried himself with the regal air of a king, and I felt both humbled and ashamed to be in his presence.

“So, how's Alison? I saw her at the hospital last night, but I really didn't get to speak with her.” He sat back in his chair and rocked a few times as he listened.

“She's doing fine, Bishop. She's busy as heck, though, between working, going to see the first lady, teaching Sunday school and trying to take care of me. I don't know how she does it.”

“Yeah, these church women are something else.” The bishop smiled. “I remember about a year ago, when Charlene was a little stronger, she had about thirty different hats. Lord, what I would do to have those days again.”

“So, how is the first lady doing, Bishop?”

“Oh, she's doing about as well as can be expected.” A sad look crossed his face. “I'm hoping to get her home from the hospital soon, but she's still rather weak.”

“Yes, Alison told me. If there's anything I can do, please let me know.”

“You and Alison have done more that your fair share. Tell Alison I appreciate how she comes to the hospital every day and sits with Charlene. She's in a lot of pain, but you know what a trooper my wife is.”

I nodded my head. “She certainly is, Bishop. I believe she can beat this thing.”

“That, son, is entirely up to the Lord.” He bowed his salt-and-pepper head in my direction. “Now, Brent, what brings you here? A handsome newlywed like yourself shouldn't have a problem in the world.” He gave me this piercing look, his distinguished voice sounding like a cross between James Earl Jones and Barry White.

I scratched my head. “I wish that was true, Bishop. Heck, I don't even know where to start.”

“Well, let's start with you. How's your relationship with God?”

I lowered my head. “I wanna say my relationship with God is good, but I can't.”

The Bishop stroked his beard. “Why's that?”

“Well, to be honest”—I paused as I thought about the consequences of my words—“there's someone else in my life other than my wife.”

The Bishop sat up in his chair, and it was obvious he was a little stunned. He gave me a solemn look before he spoke. “Are you having an affair, Brother Williams?”

“I don't think I would call it an affair, Bishop, but I'm afraid it could go down that road. That's why I'm here.”

“What exactly do you mean by going down that road? Have you slept with this person?”

“No! No, I've been celibate since I got saved…that is, until Alison and I got married.” I felt a twinge of conscience when I remembered the one lapse in our vow of celibacy, the week before our wedding, but we were now man and wife, and it wasn't the problem at hand, so there was no need to confess this to the bishop. “No, it's just that this person brings out something in me that no one else can. It's hard for me to explain, but any time this person is around, I have thoughts of lust.”

“Well, during every marriage, people are faced with lust and temptation, but you've got to get past this. Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Obviously you've known this woman since before you got married. Why didn't you pursue her instead of Alison?”

“I did—until I found out that Ja—umm, I mean, the person I was pursuing is married too.”

“I see. Well, that definitely wouldn't have worked.” He cleared his throat before speaking. “Well, Brent, you know, I'm tempted by women every day in the congregation. I just make sure I don't allow myself to get into a compromising position. I don't even counsel female members by myself. Has she put you in any compromising position?”

“Yes. Every time we see each other.” I put my head down in my hands. I saw a vision of the passionate kiss the night before my wedding, Jackie's hand reaching across my lap on the way home from the airport. Last but not least, I visualized what I'd seen under Jackie's gown. Good God! “Bishop, if you could have seen what was going on two Sundays ago right here in the church, you might have passed out.”

“In my church?” I could tell by the look he gave me that he was disappointed, and from that point on, I could no longer look him in the eyes. “Is this a member of my congregation we're talking about?”

I nodded my head glumly.

“Who is it?”

“I'd rather not say. But what I will say is that it's a prominent member of the church who's married to another prominent member of the church. And both should remain nameless.”

The Bishop's voice sounded stern. “Tread lightly, young fella. Something like this could ruin more than your marriage. You don't know these church folks like I do. They're not all Christians like they portray themselves to be.”

“That's another reason why I'm here.” I looked up with miserable eyes, then shifted in my seat. There was nothing I could say.

“Do you love Alison?”

I gazed up at him. “Yes, sir, I do.”

“Do you want your marriage to work?”

“Yes, Bishop, with all my heart.”

“Well, the Bible speaks of temptation and lust. We have to learn to yield not to temptation and we have to keep our thoughts off lust. The desire leads to the action sometimes. In Matthew 5:28, you know Jesus said to look at a woman with lust in your heart is the same as to commit fornication or adultery.”

I nodded, feeling guilty. How many times had I seen Jackie's green eyes float in my mind just before I exploded inside of Alison? So although technically I hadn't committed adultery, in my heart I knew I had.

The bishop was quiet for a while. “Let's go to the scriptures and get the Biblical view on the matter of adultery.”

I turned my empty palms upward. “I didn't bring my Bible.”

“I have an extra Bible here.”

The Bishop handed me the Bible from his bookcase. For the next thirty minutes, we went over different scriptures and he had me read them out loud. But one stuck in my head.

“Exodus 20:14.”

“You must not commit adultery.”

“Do you know what the scripture,
IF YOUR RIGHT HAND OFFEND THEE, THEN CUT IT OFF
, means?”

“No.”

“Well, it means, get rid of any person or practice that causes you to sin. Sin cuts off God's blessings to you.”

Finally, the Bishop got down to his counseling business. “So don't put yourself in any compromising situations with this woman, and work on building your relationship with your wife.”

“I will.”

“Are you and Alison giving each other the marital due?” The Bishop gave me a grave look. I felt embarrassed to talk about what went on in our bedroom with him, but I nodded. “I know this sounds nosy, but you'd be surprised at the number of young couples who are not sleeping with each other then wondering why affairs slip into their relationship. So, how often are you and Alison intimate?”

“Not enough for me, but we're going to do something about that. After all, we are newlyweds.”

“Well, good. Keep doing that. Don't let temptation come between you.” The bishop took a deep breath.

“I'm sure you're a man of integrity, Brent. I watched all the women in the church run after you, but you kept your head. I watched you have a Christian courtship with Alison after you were saved, and I know you will do the right thing.”

I stood up and shook his hand. “Maybe you're right, Bishop. Everything will work out. I'll be careful.”

“Young man, just pray whenever the devil tries to overpower you.”

Although I sounded firm and resolved, inside I felt as shaky as Jell-O. I understood what the scriptures said, but that didn't stop me from thinking about Jackie. I knew I needed to be strong. I had to stop fantasizing about Jackie when I was in bed with Alison. I would have to say “freeze” whenever my body thought about Jackie. My mind knew it wasn't right. If I could just get my body to agree with what my mind thought.

Straightening my shoulders, I made a new resolution. I made up my mind that no matter what Jackie threw at me, I was passing. No, my marriage wasn't going to end before it even got started.