Sociopath? (19 page)

“I want to feel you beside me, Rafe, more
than anything.”

A few hours later. “Jesus, Lane, you’ve got
to give me a break. I’ve done everything I know how to do. I’m
exhausted and I’m fucking starved too. Let’s get up and go
downstairs for a while. Make me something to eat while I go see
Raven.

“It’s just so good to have you home,
Rafe.”

“I know, Sweetie, it’s good to be home. But
I’m going to be here for 2 weeks. There’ll be plenty of time.”

She fixed him hamburgers and hash browns on
the stove grill.

“Was Raven ecstatic to see you?”

He grinned. “Not as ecstatic as you but
pretty ecstatic. Now sit down here, Laney, and tell me what you
wanted to talk to me about while I eat.”

“Okay, just let me start at the beginning and
go through it and then you can tell me what you think.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

“First, you know the Farewell dance was the
first date I had with Cal. Since then we’ve been out several times.
Cal’s a great guy and I really like him a lot. I know I couldn’t
find another boyfriend who is as caring and thoughtful as he is.
And plus he’s handsome and funny and fun to be with. And I think he
likes me really a lot, Rafe.”

“That all sounds good, Laney.”

“I did go get the pills, like you said, just
in case, but nothing has happened like that, not like, you know,
all the way. But I have let him touch me above and below, even
under my clothes. But, Rafe, nothing happens, absolutely nothing
happens. And, see, the thing is, if it hadn’t been for you, I might
not even know the difference but I know what it supposed to be like
and it isn’t like that. I’m so confused, Rafe, because I don’t want
to hurt his feelings and make him think, you know, that he’s not
okay but I don’t want to be one of those girls that pretends
either. So, I don’t know what to do.”

“Maybe you’re just nervous, Lane. You’re
comfortable with me. It might that with someone new you just can’t
relax enough to let it happen, at least, not yet. Maybe you need to
give it a little more time.”

She sighed. “Well, I guess I can try and see
if it works but I think that might not be it, Rafe, I think it
might just be that I love you and I can’t love anybody else. Do you
think that’s possible?”

“Lane, there are two answers I can give you:
the easy one and the hard one.”

“Tell me the easy one first.”

“The easy one is what I’ve told you. If it
hadn’t been for me, you’d just be a typical 15-year-old barely
venturing in sexual relations. I doubt if most girls get much
pleasure out of their first experiences, just like back with Misty
that time. Most young males aren’t great lovers, both partners are
nervous. That scenario isn’t conducive to satisfying sex. Our
relationship is an aberration. It’s so separate that it’s in a
category by itself so, in reality, you’re still that 15-year-old
just starting out as if what is between us never happened. If
that’s the case, it’s just a matter of time until your problem
solves itself.”

“So, then what’s the hard answer, Rafe?”

His dark eyes looked into her blues ones.
“That’s the one you laid out, Lane, and it may be the right one.
Don’t take this wrong, but you remind me of Raven, not that I’m
comparing you to a dog, but in the way that you’re both dead loyal.
I think if I ever gave Raven away to anyone else, he’d never bond
with them. He’d just wait for me to come back and get him no matter
how long it took. I think maybe you’re that way too, Honey. I could
say that if I’d known, back when I was 9 and you were 7, that this
might have happened, I never would have done what I did. But that’s
not true, Lane. I’d have done it anyway.”

“And I’d have wanted you to, Rafe. No matter
what.”

He pulled her over to him and onto his
lap.

“But it’s not like that for you, is it,
Rafe?”

“No, it’s not like for me,” he said softly.
“I love you, Lane, I’ve never loved anyone else. You’re my safe
haven. I think of you as always being there for me when I need you,
a warm place where I’ll always be welcomed and loved. You’re my
emotional home, Honey, but I’m too much of an adventurer to be
satisfied staying home all the time.”

He lifted her sweatshirt. She hadn’t bothered
with a bra. He put a hand on each breast, lightly rubbing her
nipples with his thumbs.

“Will you, Lane?” he asked, “will you always
welcome me home? Will you always be there for me when I need
you?”

She closed her eyes. “Yes, Rafe, I always
will.”

“How much do you love me, Laney?”

“Whatever the highest number is in the world,
Rafe. I love you lots more than that.”

*

The next morning, the instant she awoke,
remembering he was there, a rush of joy swept through her. She had
never taken a drug in her life but she wondered if this was the
kind of euphoria users sought from their cocaine or heroin or
whatever they were addicted to. She thought she could easily become
an addict if she knew of a pill or a shot that would send her
shooting up to this cloud of happiness.

“Mornin’, Honey. I’ve been waiting for you to
wake up.”

She saw the lean brown body, the
sleep-tousled black hair, the dark eyes softer than most people
ever saw them, the gleaming smile - and then his lips were on hers
and her cloud drifted even higher.

“I’m glad, you know,” he whispered to her
afterward. “I’m glad no one can satisfy you but me. You’ll always
have to come to me for that.”

“That’s pretty selfish, Rafe, especially when
you’re always out catting around like some randy old tom.”

“Yes,” he laughed, “it’s selfish, but I’ve
always known you belonged to me, Laney. No matter what else
happens, no matter how many boyfriends you have, even if you get
married, you’ll still always belong to me.”

* *

She thought of it as “the Gathering of the
Clan”. One by one, the vehicles of the various brothers and sisters
came down the long locust-lined drive until the eight-car garage
was filled to capacity and the rest had to park on the apron.
Luggage and packages and children were unloaded out of the
Escalades and BMWs and Lexuses and Land Rovers. One by one, the
upstairs bedrooms were all occupied. Each night, more chairs were
filled at the long dining room table until finally they were all
there. Even though the hubbub was exciting, Lane always felt a
little like a ghost at these events, like in one of those movies
where the ghost is alive but can’t get anyone to realize it. It
seemed to her they looked past her like that, like she didn’t
really exist. Oh, they knew her name, of course, and they’d ask how
she was doing in a perfunctory way because it was the polite thing
to do. By contrast, they were all hugely glad to see one another,
hugging and kissing and talking. She’d always been intimidated by
them, like they were the main body of the family, and she and Rafe
were a separate entity that didn’t quite belong.

She asked him about it and he’d laughed at
her. “Oh, Lane, you’re over-reacting. They were all here together
at the same time. They have lots of shared memories. We were just
little kids, not worth noticing. You shouldn’t take it personally.
Who cares what they think anyway?”

It was different for Rafe though. First, she
didn’t think he really did care and secondly, he forced them to
acknowledge him, not in any kind of in your face way, but just by
being who he was. She thought their respect was grudging though,
and sometimes resentful. Renny was part of that. They might love
Magdelene but Renny was the parent whose approval they all craved.
When they got straight’s A’s or won a blue ribbon or got chosen as
the lead in the school play, part of the pleasure came from knowing
Renny would be pleased. Even now, when Morgan made partner or Wyatt
made Captain or Mariel became engaged to an Earl, the first call
any of them made was to Renny’s cell.

None of them ever thought their little
brother, the one they called Injun, would be a prime competitor for
Renny’s favor. (They could tell he disliked the nickname, although
he never said anything, so they called him that to goad him). They
remembered him, if they remembered him much at all, as being mostly
silent and self-contained. He never had any of those qualities you
think of as associated with babies. No one would ever have
described Rafe as lovable or adorable or cuddly. And sunny? Forget
that - there wasn’t a sunny bone in Rafe’s body! The few times any
of them tried to pick him up, he squirmed away so fast, you’d have
thought their laps were on fire. And if you tried baby talk with
Rafe, he’d just look at you with those dark eyes like he thought
you were retarded. He never giggled when you tickled him or counted
his toes or played peek-a-boo with him. Surely, when he was a
toddler, someone must have changed him and dressed him and fed him
but no one quite remembered doing it, not even Magdelene. He’d
never come to any of them for big brotherly or sisterly advice or
for any kind of assistance whatsoever although they sometimes felt
his intense dark eyes watching them to see how they were doing
something, whether that was working the controller of a video game
or playing pool or shooting a gun. And that seemed to be all it
took. You knew that it was only a matter of time until he beat you
at whatever it was and probably, do it so nonchalantly, you were
not only whipped but pissed off, as well. No one except Renny could
make Rafe do anything he didn’t want to do. He didn’t cry and
scream, he just said, “no”. If Magdelene told him to eat his peas,
for instance, he just shook his head. You could tell him he had to
stay at the table until they were gone and he’d still be there a
week later. So she’d tell Renny and Renny, who didn’t like to use
his authority on bullshit issues, would say, “what’s the big deal
about making the kid eat peas if he doesn’t like them, Mag?” and
she’d say because “I’m his mother and if you don’t back me on this,
you’ll be undermining my authority,” so Renny would snap his
fingers and point at Rafe’s peas and say, “let’s clean’em up,” and
Rafe would stiffen like he might be going to resist but then he’d
look into his Dad’s own dark eyes and let out a big breath and eat
his peas.

It all started with Destiny, of course. That
was the first time any of them realized that Renny had developed a
soft spot for Rafe. Jesus, Renny had always made it so clear that
the high-spirited gray stallion was hands off for all of them.
Destiny was too much for them to handle, they’d always been warned,
and then he just basically turned the horse over to Rafe when he
was only ten! There were other things that happened along the way
but the Corvette was the final straw. It was the source of
indignation in phone calls they made to one another. “He bought
Rafe a Corvette and not a stripped down model either. Do you know
how much that car cost? How does that little fucker do it?”

Gabe had even tried talking to his father
about it although he knew he was treading on dangerous ground. “So,
Dad, I see you got Rafe a Corvette?”

“Yes, do you have a problem with that,
Son?”

“No, no, no problem. I just wondered how he
talked you into it?”

“Is there some reason you believe that’s any
of your business, Gabe? Do you think I’m starting to go senile so
that you need to second-guess my decisions?”

“God, no! Just forget I said anything,
okay?”

“I will. I’ll just forget you even mentioned
it.”

*

It didn’t even help that Rafe never bragged
about his achievements. Somehow, that made it even worse.

The brothers were all watching the ballgame
down in the basement but it was a boring game and no one was paying
much attention. They’d snatched a bottle of their Dad’s prized
Midleton Rare Irish whiskey. Morgan had had a little more than
anyone else.

“So, Injun,” Morgan asked Rafe, “how are
things going at Princeton?”

“All right.”

“Just all right, Rafe?” He turned to the
others, “seems our baby brother is making quite a name for himself
at the old alma mater.”

Rafe shrugged.

“You know, I’m on the Alumni Committee so I
stay pretty up-to-date on what’s going on. I was even at one of
your football games recently.”

“That so?”

“Yes. They told me your nickname is Rafe the
Wraith because of the way you can slip through the defensive line.
I thought about trying to call you to meet up after but a bunch of
us went out to dinner.”

It was said with some edge, Morgan wanting
him to know that he had more important things to do than spend time
with his brother though he was right there on campus.

“Probably wouldn’t have got me anyway,” he
said. “I most likely had my cell off. I usually try to line up a
woman after the games. While you were eating dinner, she was
probably eating me.” His smile raced across his face. They all
recognized it for what it meant - if this is the game you want to
play, Bro, let’s have at it. The rest of them looked toward Morgan,
letting him know the verbal ball was in his court.

“Tell’em what you got on Digby’s test,
Injun.” They all knew about the infamous test.

This needle pricked. Rafe hated being forced
onto a stage he didn’t want to be on. “I doubt they care.”

“Yeah, we do, Rafe,” Wyatt told him.

“Tell us,” said Dennis.

“Yeah, tell us,” echoed Gabe.

Reluctantly - “a hundred.”

“A perfect score, Rafe, no shit? I was
devastated when I got 62 until I found out that was one of the
highest grades in the class.” Denis told them.

“I got a 64,” said Gabe, “and it was the
highest score. How’d you ever get a 100, Rafe?”

“I don’t know,” he looked at Morgan with a
grin, “maybe Dad just kept getting better as he went along.”

“Fuck you, Rafe.”

“Pretty lame comeback, Morgan, especially for
an attorney but then, you are the oldest, aren’t you?”