Authors: Jasmine Haynes
She didn’t think about how Lou died
falling out of a tree. If she did, she’d wreck the car, and let her baby down
again. Nor did she question why she hadn’t heard her cell phone or why her
other line was busy. Inconsequential. All that mattered was getting to Jamey.
And never again leaving him alone.
She parked in the hospital lot
without getting a scratch on the minivan. She ran across the pavement without
losing her sandals or falling. She performed with perfect execution.
She would be the perfect mother
from now on. As soon as she made sure her sons were all right.
* * * * *
Taylor wasn’t in the emergency room
when he got to the hospital, but he’d parked next to her van in the lot, so
Jace knew she’d made it there safely. His mom entered through a door on the
right. Dad, Connie, Mitch, David, and the kids were clustered in the corner.
Nobody saw him.
“Taylor’s with him. He’ll be fine.
He broke his arm.”
Jesus, thank you, God. He wasn’t
dead, he wasn’t maimed.
Connie started crying. The way she
was nestled into Mitch’s arms, Jace figured she’d started and stopped several
times. “It’s all my fault, Mom. I wasn’t watching carefully enough.”
His mom snorted. “Kids are kids.
They’re into trouble before you see the smoking gun. Mitchie, take your wife
home.”
Mitch hadn’t been Mitchie since he
was nine, which only went to show the stress his mom was feeling.
Then she saw him. “Jace, where were
you? I kept calling.”
David had obviously kept his mouth
shut, though now, seated next to Dad, he glowered through slitted eyes. He
could ask David to keep Taylor’s secret, Jace’s secret. He could hope Taylor
would let him close enough to try again. He could lie to his family. And keep
on lying until Taylor either blew him off or said she couldn’t live without
him.
He might have gone on hoping if
Taylor hadn’t walked through the door at that moment, Jamey’s right hand
securely in hers, the little guy’s left arm in a sling.
“Jace was with me.”
The entire family stared at her.
Taylor didn’t offer an explanation, but her tone told them the story. Her stark
eyes revealed everything. He hadn’t been over there fixing her faucet or riding
her lawn mower, and she was done lying about it. She was done with him.
“Come on, Bri, let’s go home.
Connie, thanks for bringing Jamey to the hospital.”
“I’m so sorry, Taylor.”
Taylor shrugged off the apology.
“Don’t be silly. Jamey’s fine. You acted quickly.” Easy words, but she’d aged
five years since this morning when she’d told Jace to fuck her. “Mom, Dad,
thanks for coming. I’m glad you were here for the boys.”
His mom answered her. “We’re always
here, Taylor.”
“My butt hurts sitting on these
chairs, Mom.” Peter bounced to his feet. “Can we go home now?”
Mitch took his boy’s hand, then
Connie’s. “Sure.” He turned to Taylor. “We really are sorry, Taylor.”
“I know. It’s over now. Don’t
worry.”
Then Connie scooped Rina into her
arms and followed Mitch.
Taylor turned to Evelyn. “I’ll call
you and let you know how Jamey’s doing.”
“Give him those pain pills if he
needs them.”
“I will. Bri?” Taylor held out her
hand, and her son took it. Jace watched her until she disappeared around the
corner.
It’s over now. Don’t worry.
She’d referred to far more than the
terror of those moments when David said Jamey was hurt. Knowing that, he died
inside.
He’d almost messed irreversibly
with her life again. Almost. God had been on their side this time.
Jace would make sure it never
happened again.
Jace never expected his dad would
be the one to ask.
“What were you and Taylor doing
together?”
They’d left the emergency room
together, halfway to his truck, halfway to the rest of his life without Taylor.
Would she even let him see the boys?
“What do you think he was doing,
Dad? Changing her oil?”
“David.” Mom gave his brother the
evil eye.
But David didn’t give a shit. Not
this time. “David what? David, don’t tell the truth? David, don’t hurt him?
Somebody should have told him the truth three years ago.”
She backed away in the face of his
fury. “David, please.”
“He was screwing her, Mom. In his
own brother’s bed. He was screwing Lou’s wife.”
Jace balled his fists. “Don’t talk
about her like that.”
“Like what? Like she wasn’t fucking
her husband’s brother.”
“Stop it, you two,” his mom cried.
No one listened to her.
Jace wanted to smash his brother’s
face. He would have if Mom wasn’t there.
“Lou’s dead. She has a right to a
life.” Even if it wasn’t with him, Taylor had a right to love again.
“Yeah, he’s dead. And why, Jace?
Because you couldn’t get your sorry ass out of bed. Because you were drunk,
like usual. Because he couldn’t count on you.”
“Stop it, stop it.” Mom was crying,
but Jace couldn’t stop David, not even for his mother.
It was the truth. They’d all been
dancing around it for three years. It was time somebody said it, long past time
he heard what they all thought. What he knew.
“Yeah, he’s dead because I messed
up. I wasn’t there. I let him die. I know that. I live with it every night and
every day.” The blood, sometimes he still smelled it. “But that has nothing to
do with Taylor. Don’t use the word
fuck
about her.”
“Why? Because she’s your
fucking
whore?”
“Don’t you ever say that about
her.” His arm back, poised to punch his brother’s nose through his face,
David’s fists came up. White hot fury stabbed behind Jace’s eyelids.
Then someone grabbed his arm. Held
him back while his mother cried. It was the saddest damn sound he’d ever heard.
Worse even than the day they’d gone to tell Taylor Lou was dead.
“Back off, David.” His dad’s voice,
his dad’s hand on his arm.
The eyes, it was all in his
brother’s eyes. Hatred. Far more than anger. Pure hate. But David stood down
when his father told him to.
“Arthur. Let’s go,” Mom begged.
“Please let’s just go.”
“No, Evelyn. We have to talk about
Lou. And Jace.”
He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t
face it. He’d always known he couldn’t face his father, but he turned to him
anyway.
Tears glimmered. One slipped from
his father’s eye, caught on a lash, then slid down his cheek. Jace had never
seen him cry. Not that day, not when they buried Lou. Never.
“I’m sorry, Dad. But I know it
won’t ever bring Lou back.”
“What’s our rule?”
Mom opened her mouth, but his
father held her off with his hand. “What’s the rule, Jace?” he repeated.
“You don’t let your brother work
alone.”
“No. That’s not the rule. It never
was. The rule is you don’t work alone.”
“He didn’t have a choice because I
didn’t show.”
“He had a choice. He made the wrong
one.”
“But—”
“Lou made the wrong choice.”
He stared at his father. “It wasn’t
his fault.”
“I loved your brother. When he came
along, before the rest of you, I used to gaze at him and wonder how I could
possibly have made him. I died when he died.” Another tear joined the others. A
river down his father’s face.
Mom gripped his arm.
His dad didn’t take her comfort.
“I loved him with everything I had,
but your brother was a lot like me, and he could be an arrogant SOB when he
chose to be.”
Jace shoved both hands through his
hair and squeezed the back of his head.
“He made the wrong choice. It was
his mistake. I never wanted to say that. I even tried not to think it. It was
somehow...sacrilege. But it’s true. And sometimes when I’m alone, I hate him
for that.”
“Jesus, Dad.” David took a step
toward him.
“He made a stupid move. He broke
the rule. Jace didn’t make him do that. And you know that, David. None of us
wants to say it was Lou’s fault. But you can’t go on blaming Jace because you
don’t want to admit the truth.”
“I didn’t blame Jace.”
“You did. Like I did. Because he
was alive and it was easier to blame him with Lou in the ground.”
David hung his head, and Dad turned
to Jace. “I’m sorry. I should have said that a long time ago. I don’t even have
the excuse that I didn’t know you blamed yourself. I did know. I just didn’t
know what to do about it. I love you, Jace. I’m sorry I let you down.”
“Christ, Dad. You didn’t let anyone
down. I’ve always known what I did.”
“I don’t blame you for
oversleeping. We’ve all tied one on. That never meant you had a hand in your
brother’s death.”
Something lifted off him, a mantle,
chains. He would always regret that he hadn’t been there, but his father had
given him a precious gift. Forgiveness. And the ability to forgive himself.
“You’ve changed since it happened,
son. I can count on you. Taylor can count on you, too.” He wrapped his palm
along the side of Jace’s neck and held him. “Lou’s dead, Jace. He isn’t coming
back, and Taylor doesn’t deserve to live with our ghosts. Are you in love with
her?”
“Yes.”
“Then I guess you better make sure
she knows that.”
“Yeah.”
His mom wiped at her streaming
eyes. Jace hugged her beneath his chin and kissed the top of her head.
“I’m sorry I put you through that,
Mom.” Then he eased back to look at her. “Forgive me?” It seemed such a blithe
and easy phrase, yet he needed it as much as he’d needed his father’s
forgiveness.
“Of course, I do. You’re my baby.”
He kissed each cheek, rested his
chin a moment in her hair filled with the scent of flowers and baby powder.
“Go tell Taylor how you feel. Tell
her we’re glad, too.”
“She’ll want your blessing, Mom.
It’s been bugging her, what you’d say about it.” About someone taking Lou’s
place. Not just Jace, but anyone.
“I always knew it would happen
someday, but I didn’t want things to change. I didn’t want to lose her.”
He understood what his mother
meant. Taylor had said the same thing in the truck that first night. Finding a
new man would change things more than anyone wanted. It was long past time for
that change, though. Lou was gone. They all had to face it.
“I’m not sure she’ll choose me,
Mom.” But he would make sure she knew she had a choice, that life as a woman
hadn’t ended the day Lou died.
She patted his cheek. “She’d be
crazy not to jump at a man like you, honey. But I’ll love her no matter what.”
“So will I.” Ignoring the ache
around his heart, he turned.
“Jace.” David’s voice stopped him.
“I was wrong. What I said about Taylor was wrong. I never thought that. I
just”—he spread his hands—“Lou’s death has been eating at me.” He wiped a palm
down his shirt as if he were suddenly sweaty. “But Dad’s right. About
everything he said. And I was way out of line this morning.” It was probably
the closest David would come to accepting that maybe Lou had made a mistake,
too.
“It’s fine, David. It’s...it’s
really fine.”
And it was. Jace couldn’t pinpoint
precisely why, but it was. His family felt whole for the first time since Lou
died.
He couldn’t say the same for him
and Taylor. He didn’t deserve a damn thing from her if he didn’t have the
courage to tell her exactly how he felt.
Fuck
was a good word in its
place, but it didn’t come close to the meaning of
love
.
* * * * *
Evelyn held Arthur’s hand. The heat
had risen inside the truck cab until she’d had to flip the key in the ignition
to roll down the electric window. Jace and David had long since gone.
“I love you, Arthur. I wish you’d
told me how you felt.”
“You wanted me to tell you I
actually hated my son because of how he died?”
He stared through the windshield, a
big handsome man even at fifty-nine. If she hadn’t had Arthur, she’d never have
made it through those dark days after Lou died. She realized now that she
hadn’t helped him through. He’d bottled it all up inside.
“You didn’t hate him, Arthur. You
hated that he was gone.” She soothed his hand with a stroke.
“I did hate him, Evie. I hated him
for going up without backup, for being careless, for not listening to
everything I taught him, for leaving his cell phone in the truck instead of
taking it with him. I even hated him for leaving Jace with all the blame on his
shoulders. I hated him for everything.”
God in heaven, she’d had no idea
the weight Arthur had carried. She stroked his cheek.
“Maybe you hated yourself for not
being there that day.”
He grabbed her knee, squeezed
almost to the point of pain. “I didn’t want you to hate me for those terrible
thoughts.”
“Arthur, you’re the most important
thing in the world to me. I could never hate you. I’m so sorry I couldn’t help
you.”
“No, Evie, I’m sorry. I wasn’t good
for you. All those nights you cried yourself to sleep, I wanted to hold you, I
really did.” He drew in a breath. She felt his pain inside her own body. “But I
kept seeing him lying there, the ground beneath him dark with his own...”
She petted him, comforted him,
wiped away the tears. “Shh, my darling. You did your best for me, for all of
us.” It was so easy for women to pour out their hearts. But a strong man
couldn’t let the pain out.
God worked in mysterious ways. If
Jace hadn’t fallen in love with Taylor, if Taylor hadn’t returned that
affection, if poor little Jamey hadn’t fallen out of the tree. If David and
Jace hadn’t almost come to blows in the parking lot...Arthur would have carried
his pain in silence and killed himself with the stress of holding it all
inside.