Too bad the real Earth isn’t.
I can’t handle the cafeteria. Just because we’re not allowed to go off campus for lunch doesn’t mean I have to eat in there. I’m planning to avoid lunch entirely by doing club stuff or going to the library instead. Staying busy is key.
Today I’m eating lunch under the stairs. I really needed some alone time. If someone catches me, who cares? It’s not like they can humiliate me any more than they already have.
Blake would eat with me, but he’s not here today. My mom gave in and let him sleep over one more night. Uncle Rick came to pick him up this morning.
After talking about it with Dad, Mom called child protective services to make an anonymous report. They said that verbal abuse can be as serious as physical abuse. All types of abuse have lasting emotional damage. Blake’s dad has been verbally abusing Blake for as long as he can remember. No one should have to live like that.
So Uncle Rick arranged for Blake to stay with him until college. I’m not sure what’s going to happen to his dad. I’m just so relieved that Blake doesn’t have to live with him anymore. Uncle Rick lives forty-five minutes away and works in the opposite direction, so Blake has to take the train to school and back. They’re moving Blake’s stuff today while his dad’s at work.
While Blake and I were watching a movie last night, Jason kept calling. At first I didn’t pick up. I knew that if I talked to him, it would be even harder to keep my promises to Erin. But his messages said that he was going to keep calling until I talked to him. Blake said Jason was already suffering enough and why couldn’t I at least hear what he had to say? So the next time Jason called, I picked up, walking to my room.
“You answered,” Jason went.
“I promised Erin I wouldn’t talk to you.”
“I know. I have to talk to you anyway. Can I come over?”
“No! She’ll never trust me again—I told her last week that I wouldn’t see you or anything.”
“She doesn’t have to know.”
“
I’ll
know.”
“Is she more important than me?”
“That’s not fair.”
“What’s staying away from me going to prove? She already knows we were together this summer.”
“That’s no reason to make it worse.”
Silence.
“You know I feel horrible about everything,” I say. “I hate that things are like this.”
“Then why do they have to be?”
“Because she’s my best friend! That’s how it is!”
“No, that’s the way you’re making it. It can be any way we want.”
“So, what, being with me right now sounds like a good idea to you? Being seen together in school, in front of Erin? Torturing her even more than we already have? We’re supposed to walk down the hall holding hands and eat lunch together like last year and then you can drive me home from school?”
“Um. Yeah.”
“No way! That would make everything so much worse!”
“You don’t want to be with me?”
“Of course I want to be with you! You know I do.”
“I used to. But I’m not sure anymore.”
All this time, I was so concerned about how I was hurting Erin that I didn’t stop to think about how all of this was affecting Jason. Of course I knew we were both miserable. But when I said I couldn’t be with him, he agreed even though he didn’t want to. That’s how much he cares about me.
“I don’t want things to be like this,” Jason said. “But more than anything, I want you to be happy. If it’s going to make you miserable to be with me, then I’ll stay away.”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“It kind of is.”
That was the worst conversation ever. Not only am I hurting Erin, I’m hurting Jason, too.
I was thinking that it was impossible for things to get any worse until Communications. The good thing about this class is that it’s in the computer lab. You can totally get away with doing stuff you’re not supposed to be doing. Bonus: We have a sub today who’s giving us free online time.
Except free online time is not the break from reality I was hoping for. I want to float away in an online bubble until school’s over. Only, that’s kind of hard to do when people keep laughing. And looking at me. I mean, whatever, people have been laughing and looking at me forever. But they’re obviously laughing and looking for a more specific reason this time.
I glance at one of the computer screens on the table in front of mine. Am I crazy, or am I seeing a picture of myself? Online. A horrible picture I would never post anywhere.
An IM pops up on my screen. It says:
Want to see?
There’s a link. I click it. When the website comes up, I’m immediately nauseated. I was assuming they wouldn’t be this obscene.
I was wrong.
The website is called Committee Against Sluts. Underneath the horrible picture is the caption, LANI IS A SLUT.
In between more pictures, there are comments about how I’m disgusting and can’t get my own boyfriend so I have to steal one from my best friend. One comment is about how I think I’m so righteous for saving the planet, when everyone knows I’m just doing it to get into a good college. This other girl (I’m sure a girl wrote this because only girls could be this catty) ranted about every supposedly conceited thing I ever did, all the way back to middle school. I can tell by some of the things she wrote that it was Danielle.
Danielle actually wrote this.
She was my friend.
So which one did Erin write? Is she the one who started this website? It’s impossible to tell who started it. Maybe a bunch of people did. Now that it’s out there and everyone’s seen it, there’s nothing I can do.
My heart hurts. How can someone who means so much to a person mean nothing the next day? I thought that Erin would always be there for me, no matter what. I thought that was the one true thing I could count on.
This just proves how quickly your life can be destroyed. Even when you think things couldn’t possibly get any worse.
39
It’s been a week
since I saw the website. A week of knowing everyone saw it. Another week of Erin and Danielle ignoring me. Another week of avoiding Jason, which is the hardest thing of all.
What if this nightmare never ends? What if this is my life from now on?
My grades suck. I haven’t been able to concentrate on any work this year. Mr. Bradley called me into his office so we could talk about how much my grades suck. That was fun. I had to promise to do better before he let me go. Not that it matters. I seem to be an expert on breaking promises these days.
As soon as history is over, Connor sprints to my desk before I can escape.
“I have to show you something,” he goes.
“What?”
“Not here. What do you have now?”
“Lunch.” I’m back to eating in the cafeteria again. Blake forgave me, so I’ve been sitting with him and the art crowd. They adopted Blake due to his impressive glassblowing skills. They’re actually a really interesting group. I’m glad that I’m getting to know them before we graduate.
“Come on.” Connor directs me down the hall toward the science wing.
I’m like, “Where are we going?”
“It’s a secret.”
“What do you have now?”
“English.”
“You’re cutting English for this?”
“Some things are more important.”
Then something amazing happens. Connor brings me to my secret staircase and pulls me under the stairs.
“Shut up!” I go.
“Sshhh!”
“How do you know about this place?” I whisper.
“Doesn’t everybody?”
“No! I thought I was the only one!”
“Well, you’re not.” Connor takes out a note. “Jason asked me to give you this.”
Jason won’t let go. He hasn’t called me all week. But I know he’s determined to get me back. I just knew he wouldn’t give up.
I’m afraid of what his note says. I’m afraid it’s going to make me want to be with him even more.
“Oh.” I take the note. “Thanks. I’ll, um . . . read it later.” I push the note into my back pocket.
“There’s something else I want to show you.” Connor rummages in his bag. He takes out a ragged notebook. “This was my journal a few years ago.”
“You have a journal?”
“American guys don’t really do that, eh?”
“And? They also don’t call their sweatpants
jogging pants
. American guys are clearly lacking.”
“They could improve. All they need is some sensitivity.”
“Like that’s going to happen.” This is one thing I love about Jason. He’s sensitive and not afraid to show it. Most guys would be humiliated to even expose a fraction of a feeling. Jason’s not like that.
Hence, the note in my pocket.
Connor flips through his journal. He shows me a page. It’s all in French.
“What’s it say?” I ask.
“This thing with you and Jason reminded me of something. There was this café across the street from my old place in Montreal. I always liked to sit at the same table in the window, you know? All the tables had these white paper tablecloths that you could draw on. One day I went in and someone had written this on my tablecloth.”
Connor translates the message from his journal. It’s about a person who doesn’t know who his soul mate is, but he’s looking for her. He will never give up. When they find each other, they will know. It says how you have to follow your heart to find true love.
“See this line here?” Connor points to a part that says:
Rien ne va arrêter ma quête pour te trouver.
“I was just overwhelmed by the intensity of it,” Connor tells me. “It says, ‘Nothing will stop my quest to find you.’ This person will keep going forever if he has to. But you and Jason have already found each other. You’re obviously meant to be together, but you’re not together. That’s a problem, no?”
Of course he’s right. Of course it’s a problem. And of course he wrote down that message for a reason. He was obviously meant to tell me what it said. Fate made sure that the message got to me from a whole other country.
It can’t be easy for Connor to be telling me all of this. I know how he feels about me. I also know that he’s been concerned about how miserable I am. It’s like he’s pushing aside his own feelings out of respect for mine. That’s the kind of person he is.
“Thanks for this,” I say. “It’s probably not the easiest thing for you.”
“No, it’s not. I almost didn’t show this to you, actually. But I just . . . want you to be happy.”
That’s exactly what Jason said. He just wants me to be happy.
Of course, the only thing that could make me happy is the one thing I can’t have. I want to be with Jason more than anything. But I can’t break my promise to Erin.
She has to forgive me. I know it won’t be easy and I know I might have to wait a really long time, but Erin has to forgive me. Which is never going to happen if I can’t prove to her that our friendship means more than being with Jason.
When I get home, I unfold Jason’s note. It’s in his secret note code.
Decoded, the note says:
I need you so much closer.
40
When you’re a senior,
you’re supposed to be psyched that everything will finally be over soon. I wish I could be happy like everyone else. It’s just not registering with me. Eight months from now does not equal “soon.” June is a lifetime away.
I thought senior year would be a lot different. All of us together, having a blast. Not caring about homework or grades after college apps are in. Focusing on the things that really matter.
This is nothing like that.
Connor gave me that note from Jason two weeks ago. I’ve been crying every night, aching for him.
As if I don’t have enough problems, I can’t find my English paper that’s due today. It’s supposed to be right here in my binder. I even finished it a day early since I had nothing better to do.
I rip my binder apart looking for it. Still nothing.
After I’ve dumped about half the contents of my locker on the floor, I find a random note behind some books. It’s one of Jason’s secret-code notes from last year. I have no idea how it got in my locker, since I thought I had all of his notes in a special box at home.
The Energy is
so
giving me a sign right now.
But maybe not. So I put the note in a folder. I go back to searching for my missing English paper. I crouch down and sift through everything on the floor.
Someone walks up to me. And just stands there.
I totally recognize those sneakers.
“Hey,” Jason says.
It feels so good to hear him talking to me.
I’m too scared to look at him.
Jason helps me pick everything up. “What happened here? One of those weird earthquakes that only affects half the hall?”
“Something like that.”
“How are you?”
“Sad.” I stuff things back into my locker. I can’t even remember what I was looking for.
“Me, too,” Jason says.
I finally look at him. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days.
“I can’t do this anymore,” Jason says. “I can’t be away from you.”
Some kids have been watching us ever since Jason came over. I’m sure they’re discussing how scandalous this is.
Oh look, not only did Lani steal Jason away from Erin, but now she’s flirting with him in front of the whole school. What a monster.
“People are looking,” I whisper.
“I don’t care,” he says. “We have to be together.”
My throat’s all tight. It’s not letting me say what I really want to say.
Jason moves closer. “Erin already knows. She already got hurt. Do you really think she wants you to be this miserable?”
“She’s not going to be this mad forever. We just need to give her time.”