One thing I like about my house is that there’s tons of natural light, so we usually don’t turn on lamps during the day. It has a lot of glass and high ceilings and open spaces. We have three skylights and two sets of sliding-glass doors—one for the upstairs balcony and one for the back porch. The back porch leads out to a dock with Dad’s rowboat tied to it. Sometimes he rows out to the middle of the lake and does his crossword puzzles there.
An entire container of glitter just spilled all over the place. Educating the public is never easy.
Somehow I manage to finish the sign without spilling anything else. Then I lean it up against the wall to dry. My computer dings with an IM. It’s from Erin.
aceofwands: omg you are NOT going to believe this!!!
berrygirl: what?
aceofwands: jason called me!
berrygirl: shut up!
aceofwands: i gave him my number in class today. we just got off the phone.
berrygirl: details please.
aceofwands: he wanted to know if i did the homework yet. he said he had a question on it, which we all know is code for he wants me.
berrygirl: did it even sound like a real question?
aceofwands: hells no! and that’s not all. i think he’s going to ask me out.
berrygirl: how do you know?
aceofwands: just a feeling. oh, and i told him i like him.
berrygirl: what happened to waiting for him to come to you?
aceofwands: i did! he’s the one who called me, remember? so i was like, okay, he’s putting himself out there, i can meet the boy halfway.
berrygirl: what did you say?
aceofwands: i was just like how i think he’s cute. and funny ☺
berrygirl: and?
aceofwands: and he said he had no idea i felt that way.
berrygirl: boys are so clueless.
aceofwands: tell me about it. but now he knows. so it’s just a matter of time.
berrygirl: you go with your fine self.
aceofwands: thanks, i will. what about you?
berrygirl: ?
aceofwands: with greg?!
berrygirl: how many times do I have to tell you this? i. do. not. like. greg.
aceofwands: why not?
berrygirl: *headdesk* um, i don’t know, maybe because we have absolutely nothing in common? at ALL?
aceofwands: oh. that.
berrygirl: why do you always act like i never told you this?
aceofwands: i’m not sure. maybe for the same reason you always act like he’s not the most gorgeous slice of boy you’ve ever seen?
berrygirl: like that’s the most important thing.
aceofwands: it doesn’t hurt.
berrygirl: and it doesn’t help when we have nothing to talk about.
aceofwands: who’s talking about talking?
berrygirl: slut.
aceofwands: stop talking trash about yourself.
berrygirl: gotta go . . . more signs to do.
aceofwands: ciao for now.
I’m less than shocked that Erin went ahead and told Jason she likes him before she even knew if he liked her. When she wants something, she stays totally focused on that one thing until she gets it. She’s fearless like that.
I wish I could say the same thing about myself.
5
In a school
as small as ours, you know the names of everyone in your class. There are seventy-three people in our junior class. Most of us have gone to school together since first grade. But that doesn’t mean we actually know one another. I know people by their reputations and who they hang out with and how they act in class. These judgments aren’t based on truth. You can’t ever know the real anybody unless you’re friends with them. And sometimes not even then.
I don’t really fit into any group. Not anymore. I like doing my own thing. I mean, I obviously relate to the other kids in One World and naturally I get labeled as a tree hugger. I’m not that easy to define, though. I’m not popular, but I’m not unpopular. I’m not a jock, but I’m not inept at sports. I’m not a nerd, but I’m not a slacker. I guess it sounds like I’m pretty average. But I’m not that, either.
It’s always been hard for me to find people I can relate to. The people in One World are great, but Danielle’s the only one I’m really good friends with. When I try to be friends with people I don’t feel enough of a connection with, things always fizzle out. It’s not worth the effort to put so much energy into building a friendship with someone if you’re just going to drift apart anyway.
Erin wants me and Blake to be friends with Jason. She keeps saying how hard next year’s going to rock with the four of us doing stuff together. It’s like she wants us to double-date or something. Erin’s excitement for senior year is scary. I’m excited too, but only because it’s our last year. Erin’s acting like senior year’s going to be one big party with her as the guest of honor. Which totally doesn’t surprise me. She loves being the center of attention. She also loves to discuss boys she likes. Specifically, whether or not these boys might like her back. I’m sure part of the reason Erin wants all of us to hang out is so we can talk about Jason after.
So we’re all getting pizza. Blake can’t wait to evaluate Jason. Jason’s not here yet, though. We’ve only been waiting for ten minutes, but Erin’s freaking out.
“Where
is
he?” Erin leans way over on her stool and stretches her neck out for a better view of the sidewalk. This makes me nervous. She’s five nine and looks like she’s about to tip over.
“Don’t worry,” I tell her.
“He should be here by now.”
“He’s only like ten minutes late.”
“Exactly. He’s never late.”
I don’t say what I want to say, which is that this is only the third time they’re hanging out. You can’t know what a person
never
does if you’ve only hung out with them two times before.
Blake’s like, “All I know is, if we don’t eat soon I’m going to chew off a limb. And I can’t guarantee it’ll be mine.”
“Didn’t you eat lunch?” I say.
“Not so much, no.”
“Why not?”
“I wasn’t hungry then.”
“You are
so
manorexic.”
“Which is why I’m hungry enough to eat three pizzas.”
“Let’s just order so it’ll be ready by the time Jason gets here.” I look at Erin. “Okay?”
Erin leans back toward us. “What?”
“Can we please order?” Blake begs. “I’m going to faint and what kind of fun company will I be then?”
Erin is not liking this idea. “We don’t know what Jason wants.”
“We’re at the pizza place,” Blake explains. “He wants pizza.”
“Yeah, but—”
“No fighting at the table, kids,” I warn. Erin must really be nervous. She and Blake usually have this thing where Blake’s all adoring of Erin’s fabulousness and Erin basks in the glow of his attention. They haven’t even joked in their usual flirting-but-not way once the whole time we’ve been here. At first, Erin thought Blake liked her. She was totally freaking out because she didn’t like him back. But I just told her that Blake didn’t like her that way either, and then everything was fine.
“Fine,” Erin says. “Order. But don’t blame me when it’s not what Jason wants.”
“We’ll get extra cheese,” Blake says. “Who doesn’t like extra cheese?”
Erin stretches over on her stool again. She keeps turning one of her rings. Erin wears a million rings. She always turns them when she’s nervous.
“If he doesn’t like extra cheese, he’s not worthy,” Blake mumbles to me. Then he attempts to flag down the waiter, who’s sitting at a back table drinking coffee.
“There he is!” Erin squeals. Jason’s crossing the street. Erin waves, but he doesn’t see her. He has cool sneakers. We all watch him come over, just staring at him. I hope we’re not making him uncomfortable.
“Hey,” Jason says. “Sorry I’m late.”
“You’re late?” Erin goes. “I didn’t notice.”
Blake rolls his eyes.
Jason glances at us.
Erin’s like, “Oh! You know Blake and Lani, right?”
“Kind of. Hey.”
We say hey back.
Jason sits on the stool next to Erin. I notice that they’re about the same height.
Blake’s like, “You’re okay with extra cheese, right?”
“I’m all about the extra cheese,” Jason confirms.
“See?” Blake says to Erin, still flapping his arms wildly at the oblivious waiter. “I told you.”
“You didn’t think I’d want extra cheese?” Jason asks Erin. Then he makes a face like,
Who wouldn’t want extra cheese?
“No, I did, but I just said how you might want other toppings.”
“I’m minimalist about pizza,” Jason says. “It tastes better with less stuff on it, you know?”
Erin, who enjoys about ten toppings crammed on her pizza, goes, “Totally.”
Jason looks over at me. “We had algebra together, right?”
“Yeah.” That was two years ago. I only vaguely remember him. Something about circles. “Didn’t you draw perfect circles?”
“That’s what I’m known for.”
“Really?” Erin goes, all excited about the circles.
Jason says, “No, it’s just this one time I went up to the board and I had to draw a circle and it came out really . . . round.”
“Which is always a good thing, when you’re drawing a circle,” I say.
“Exactly.” Jason smiles at me.
“It was more than one time,” I remind him. For some reason, it’s all coming back to me now. “It was more like three or four times.”
“What can I say?” Jason goes. “You got me.”
Now we’re both smiling.
Blake stares at us.
“So,” Erin says. “What do we want to drink?”
While we’re eating, Blake drills Jason with questions. It’s Blake’s way of making sure Jason is worthy of the magnificence that is Erin. If Jason feels like he’s on the hot seat, he doesn’t show it at all.
When Blake finishes his second slice and reaches for a third, I’m like, “Feeling better?”
He winks at me. “Much.”
I reach over and pick a crust crumb off his lip. This always happens with Blake. He eats so quickly that part of whatever he’s wolfing down usually ends up on his face.
After, it turns out that Jason and I are going the same way. Blake and Erin live in the opposite direction. Jason says he’ll drive me so Erin doesn’t have to. We split up and I get in Jason’s car. I know that Erin’s psyched about this development. I’m sure she can’t wait to call me later to find out what Jason said about her.
The weird thing is, I feel really comfortable with Jason. Like I’ve known him for a long time. Like we’re already good friends.
Jason goes, “Aren’t you in my lunch?”
“Do you have lunch fifth period?”
“Yeah.”
“Then I am.”
“Cool.”
Jason plays with the radio.
“Where do you sit?” I ask.
“Over with the other dorks and losers.”
I laugh. Jason is all Golden Boy: popular, friendly, and cute. “Yeah, right. You’re like the total opposite.”
“How do you know? We just officially met an hour ago.”
“I can tell.”
“You can tell.”
“Absolutely. I’m a great judge of character.”
“Wow.”
“Bet you didn’t know that about me.”
“How could I possibly know that? We just officially met—”
“—an hour ago. I remember.”
Jason looks over at me and smiles. Something really intense is happening. It’s so different from anything I’ve ever felt before that I don’t even know what it is.
“So where do you live?” Jason says.
“On Lake End Road.”
“Isn’t that near Echo Lake?”
“Yeah. My backyard is basically the lake.”
“Why do they call it that?”
“My dad says it’s because if you yell across to the other side, you can hear an echo.”
“Have you tried it?”
“Yeah. No echo.”
“Huh. The landscape probably looked a lot different back when the lake was named.”
“That’s what my dad says.”
Jason drives. We don’t say anything for a while.
“Erin’s really great,” I blurt out.
“She’s fun,” he says.
I wait for him to talk about Erin some more. But there is no more.
I feel the need to talk about her. Not like I’m doing anything wrong—Jason’s just driving me home; it’s nothing—but something’s bothering me.
I go, “We’ve been best friends for a long time.”
“Yeah, she told me. You guys were in a car accident?”
I can’t believe she told him that. They’ve only been talking for, what, not even two weeks? Okay, everyone already knows about the accident. Big news plus a small town equals everyone knowing stuff that’s none of their business two seconds after it happened. But that was years ago. Most kids at school don’t remember the details. I’m sure some of them have forgotten it ever happened. So Jason probably heard about it at the time, but then he forgot.
There’s no way he knows the whole story. Unless Erin told him everything.
“That was a long time ago,” I say. “I don’t really like talking about it.”
“No, totally, I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No, it’s okay.”
When we get to my house, I go, “Thanks for the ride.” “You’re welcome. Nice house, by the way.”
“Thanks.”
“Have you always lived here?”
“Yeah. It was my grandparents’, but they moved to Florida.”
“So did mine. I think there’s a conspiracy with old people moving to Florida.”
“I thought they liked it there because it’s warm.”
“Oh, it’s more than that. Believe me.”
I like it when Jason gets weird-funny like this, but I don’t always know what to say back. I just go, “I’m sure you’re right.”
I can usually tell when a boy likes me. There have been a few. But the reason I’ve never had a boyfriend is because they all seemed really immature. I mean, I’ve gone out with a few different boys, but I’ve always kept it casual. I just never felt the kind of connection I’ve always wanted to feel.