Something Worth Fighting For (14 page)

“Good maybe you can explain it to me.” Andy laughed. “Atlas tells me you sing?”

“Did he now?” I scowled.

“What did I do now?” Atlas came back in a perfect pair of ass hugging 501’s that made my mouth water and a vintage
Metallica
tee. The Marine emblem on his right arm was poking out of the bottom of his sleeve.

“Is that
another
tattoo Atlas?” Andy pulled up his sleeve, glaring at him. I was more than thankful for the long sleeves of my navy boyfriend cardigan.

“Yes Ma.”

“How many does that make now?” I was biting my lip resisting the urge to say seven, one for each year since he turned eighteen.

“Seven,” he said truthfully, “she has more than me.” Atlas nodded in my direction. I glared at him with eyes that could cut through diamonds.

“Thanks for throwing me under the bus, ass.”

“You’re kidding!” Ares sat up, leaning over his knees trying to see any sight of tattoos on me.

“No joke, man, she’s tatted up.” Atlas smiled widely at me exposing his dimples. How could I be mad at that face? Ugh!

“How many?” Ares asked.

“I lost count.” I shrugged.

“I could count them for you.” Atlas winked suggestively at me.

“Behave,” Andy and I said simultaneously causing the guys to erupt with laughter.

After questioning I admitted to my near full sleeve tattoos, my chest, and side pieces. She knew what I majored in, how we met, and that I played guitar. Ares told me that he had been trying to teach himself and I offered to give him a few lessons while we were here.

Atlas sat next to me me while I curled into his side. He was completely at ease, a rare thing for him. We played the get to know you game before Atlas finally spoke up. “Guys I need to tell you something.” My eyes searched his and I knew he was about to break their hearts. I nodded, squeezing his knee, showing my silent support.

“Well?” Ares prompted after Atlas’ silence.

“I’m being deployed again. I’ll be gone for nine months. I leave December 18th.” Atlas pulled me tighter to him. I gave him a small smile, the only thing I could muster at the moment.

“Again?” Andy asked breathlessly.

“Yeah, again, Ma.”

“Is it the last time?”

“I can’t promise that.”

“Goddamnit,” Ares stood up, quickly leaving the room.

“Ari!” Atlas called after him.

“Let him go.” I whispered.

“Again?” Andy repeated herself as if she was trying to believe it. The look on her face was heartbreaking. It was one I recognized. It had been passed around my home many times.

“It’s only nine months.”

“But... But...”

“Ma we both knew I would have to deploy again when I reenlisted.” Atlas was losing his patience. “It’s my job. It’s my duty.”

“Go check on Ares.” It had been ten long minutes since he walked out. Atlas nodded kissing me softly before disappearing the way Ares had went.

“How do you do it?” Andy asked with tears in her eyes.

“I hold him closer, kiss him longer, tell him I love him, support him, and I will be right here waiting when he comes home.” I moved over to where she was sitting and took her hand in mine. “You tell him you’re proud of him, what an incredible man he is, and you wait until after he leaves to cry. Until then you keep it in, worry before bed, and start getting boxes for care packages. When he leaves, you tell him how much you love him at least one hundred times, kiss him, and breakdown after he’s gone. Let the last thing he sees be your smile.”

Andy nodded as if she understood and patted her eyes with her fingertips. “Thank you,” she smiled kindly at me, “for loving him the way you do.”

I squeezed her hand and together we sat in a mourning silence.

❋❋❋

I found Atlas a few hours later on the back patio sipping Guinness from the bottle. The shock of another deployment had died down and everyone had wanted a little time to themselves. I had been napping in Atlas’ room while he talked to his mom.

“Hey handsome,” I wrapped my arms over his shoulders, kissing the freckle behind his left ear.

“Hey baby,” he pulled me around and down into his lap. I stole a drink from his bottle as I leaned into him.

“It’s beautiful out here.” I rested my head on his shoulder. A Texas sunset was something otherworldly. It was something I now believe every person should have the privilege to experience at least once in their life. We sat in the quiet watching the deep orange turn to pink, purple, and eventually fade to blue over the lake. 

“You doing okay?” I rubbed his side as he nodded with a tight smile. “What is it?” I pressured him.

“My father has been calling.” Atlas spat the words out in angst. “He wants to see me.”

“So we’ll go see him. Even if it’s just to get it off your chest.” Atlas scoffed, taking another long drink from the bottle.

“You just don’t understand.”

I recoiled as if I had been slapped. “You’re right. Your parent actually wants to see you. My mother no longer acknowledges my existence.” I tried to make my words come out even but I was truly hurt.

“Ellie, baby... That’s not... Fuck.” Atlas sighed, running his hand over his face.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“No I’m just being an asshole.” Atlas was quiet for a minute. “Will you tell me why?”

“Why what?”

“Why she’s acts like this? The entire story.”

I pondered over it and stole his beer, taking another drink. “Can we go down to the lake?”

We were sitting on the rocks, the wind was blowing hard against us, chilling me to the bone. Atlas draped his jacket over my shoulders as I stared out at the night reflecting off the water. I took a deep, ragged breath as Atlas rubbed my back.

“I met Spencer my junior year of high school. He was a senior, star hockey player, and I hated him.” I laughed, moving my hair from my face. “He was making fun of my best friend Sara.” I felt a twinge of anger as I said her name. “I told him he was a fucking asshole and that if he talked about her again I would shatter his kneecaps. He followed me around for two weeks after that, constantly apologizing. I made him a deal on week three. He could keep his kneecaps if he would just leave me alone. Then he asked me on a date. I was the first person to ever stand up to him. After pleading I finally agreed, one date and then he had to leave me alone.”

Atlas moved to sit behind me. I leaned back into him not wanting him to see the strain on my face. He wrapped me in his arms, leaning his chin on my shoulder. “You’re doing great.”

“We dated for almost a year when he started asking for sex. It wasn’t anything I was ready for and I knew that, hell, he knew that. When my dad left for his position at Lejeune is when shit got really messy. My oldest brothers were gone, mom didn’t want to move to North Carolina, and Joaquin was changing. Distant, snippy, and physically he just looked sick. He was strung out on meth.” My voice was strong but I felt weak.

“Things just kept getting worse. Spencer started college and I was acting out. I missed my dad, mom was fucking her boss, Joaquin was a junkie and honestly? I just wanted a little goddamn attention.” I spit the words out like poison. “That weekend I had been fighting with Spencer. He wanted to have sex when he was home for Thanksgiving. Losing my virginity in high school was not something I wanted to do. Not with someone I didn’t love.”

“Baby...” Atlas’ voice was in my ear.

“No I’m okay, let me finish. I went out with Sara to a concert. She was seeing Jamie, the lead singer of the band. We planned on staying at her mom’s apartment six blocks from the venue. As soon as we got there she started drinking, so I decided I would stay sober and be her babysitter if she needed it. Spencer started texting me. He was at my house, where was I, he was coming to get me, and so on. Sara decided to stay with Jamie and I was just going to get a cab and go back home. Face the consequences if my mom was home or whatever. Spencer grabbed me in the alley.”

“Oh Ginger.” Atlas gasped, pulling me against him as if he was trying to protect me from my own memories.

“He dragged me behind a dumpster, beat the shit out of me, and then tried to rape me but he couldn’t keep it up. Eventually he just got pissed off and started stabbing me. I screamed until my throat was raw and I passed out. He had left me in a disgusting alley while he walked off like it was nothing. A guy working at the restaurant next door found me when he was taking out the trash. I was nearly dead.”

Atlas’ body was tense against mine. I knew him well enough to know his jaw was clenched, eyes hard, and I could feel his fists clenching. He was holding me so tight it almost hurt. I could feel his breath coming in short spurts as he tried to control his anger.

“I spent two weeks in the hospital. For two weeks either my father, Tobias, or Keller were at my side twenty four hours a day. By the time I went home the entire world had shifted. Spencer was arrested but being the son of the District Attorney...” I waved my hand with a loss for how to explain it. “Despite the evidence no one believed me. Even Sara...” My voice cracked saying her name again. “I had stood up for her and now she didn’t believe me. My own mother thought I was lying. Even though there wasn’t a rape kit there was bruising, surgery, stitches, his fucking DNA under my fingernails, matching the scratches down his face where I fought him!” I was bordering on hysteria.

“Baby it’s okay. You’re okay. Get it out. I’ve got you.” Atlas’ voice was strained, laced with anger.

“I fought him Atlas. I kicked, screamed, bit, hit, everything I was supposed to do. Everything.”

“I know you did, baby, I know.” His voice was hoarse.

“Joaquin blamed himself for not watching me closer. He loved me so much and me hurting killed him. He hung himself six weeks after. His note was an apology to me, for failing me.” Tears were obscuring my vision as I finally let them fall freely. “I found him,” I whispered.

“Jesus Christ, Ellie...”

“My mom blamed me. She said if I hadn’t been such a selfish little bitch that her Joaquin would still be here. That I deserved whatever bad things happened to me. That’s how I got this scar.” I lifted my right arm. “Dad overheard her, demanded that she finalize the divorce, and found me bleeding out on the bathroom floor.” I managed to get the rest out without too much stuttering. “He moved me to North Carolina when my mother told me I had failed at yet another thing, killing myself.”

“I want to rip her throat out,” Atlas seethed. “What kind of cruel, heartless, disgusting creature says those things to her daughter?”

“I spent ninety days in a treatment facility. I underwent therapy, was diagnosed with PTSD, and learned how to deal with the new Ellie.” I nodded slowly, breathing in deeply. “She hasn’t spoken to me in four years. That’s it. That’s all my secrets.”

Atlas stood up moving around in front of me. He knelt down into the grass, holding my hands in his. “Ellie you are the most amazing, strongest, beautiful woman... You are my entire world. I am thankful every day for you. That you are here and I can call you mine. I didn’t realize just how lucky I am until now. I feel privileged to be your man, the one by your side. You are the only thing that matters to me. Thank you for letting me in.”

“You’re welcome,” I whispered, nodding, “I feel a little better telling you all this. You’re a lot calmer than I expected.” I hiccuped, feeling the exhaustion sinking in.

“Baby I have never been more irate in my entire life. I hope he’s still in prison because I will go AWOL to find him and if I ever find him...”

“He is,” I interrupted him, “He took a plea deal. Attempted murder and a lesser charge of sexual assault, for ten years. His dad pulled every string he had.” I yawned, rubbing my swollen eyes.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed.” He scooped me up bridal style and carried me up to the house. My hands wrapped around his neck, head on his shoulder as my body shook against his. I didn’t know whether it was from the wind, my emotions, or adrenaline.

When we were locked into Atlas’ childhood bedroom he laid me gently on his bed, removing his jacket from around me, and my shoes. Once I was settled he began pacing.

I watched him move across the room.

One, two, three... Six, seven, eight... Twelve, thirteen, fourteen...

His black boots were thumping a steady pattern against the hardwood floor. “Atlas?” My voice was soft, fragile even as he whipped his head in my direction. “Are you okay?”

“Am I okay?” He ran his hand over his close cut black hair. “God you tell me all that then ask if
I
am okay?”

“Um... Yeah?” I pulled myself up leaning against the black leather headboard. Atlas laughed but it came out more of a bark than anything.

“You have gone through all of that and ask me if I’m okay. Honestly?”