Songs of Love & Death (34 page)

Rolande felt it and gave me a bright, hard smile, happy to find me equal to his implicit challenge. “Will you share my couch for dinner this evening? I suspect we have much to discuss.”

I smiled back at him. “With pleasure.”

O
H, EDMÉE! I’M
Sorry, So Sorry.

Dying, I find there are so many people, living and dead, to whom I owe apologies. Edmée, Alcuin, mayhap even that bitch Isabel L’Envers. All the gentry whose trust I have betrayed these long years while I have played the role of the Whoremaster of Spies. Phèdre, my last pupil; my
anguissette
all unwitting of the stakes of the game we play, Kushiel’s Chosen, on whom my dying hope rests. I can only thank the gods that she was not here today, and pray that she survives.

And yet would I have done anything differently?

No.

Mayhap.

I don’t know.

What did I know of love? I was eighteen, and I knew nothing. I was D’Angeline, I’d been instructed in the arts of pleasure. I’d had casual dalliances here and there like any young nobleman.

I knew nothing.

But then, neither did Rolande.

There are those who think Blessed Elua is a gentle god, but love is not a gentle thing. It is urgent and insistent, and it will not be denied. It will level cities to attain its goal.

Or destroy lives.

T
HAT NIGHT, THE
first night at the Senator’s villa, Rolande and I shared a couch and spoke of desultory things: poetry, academics, gossip from home. We did
not address my true purpose in coming to Tiberium.

I was glad.

I didn’t want to speak of Edmée to him, not yet. Selfishly, I wanted to keep this moment to myself. When Leon Degrasse glowered at me, I ignored him.

All the while, two unspoken things lay between us. The first, of course, was Edmée and the Comte de Rocaille’s ambitions. The second was the spark of undeniable attraction that had ignited between us, casting a vast shadow over the other matter.

Rolande did not flaunt his interest, but neither did he try to hide it even though Tiberian culture was more rigid than ours and did not look kindly on dalliances between men. The desire in his gaze was frank and open, firing my blood, making the torches brighter and the wine sweeter.

Never before had I thought to wonder why poets speak of
falling
in love. That night, I began to understand. I felt as though I’d stepped off a high precipice the moment that I locked gazes with Rolande de la Courcel, and I was sinking steady toward unknown depths. The very ground beneath me felt unsteady.

I wanted… gods! Wanted to kiss his generous mouth, the line of his jaw. Wanted to slide my hands up his strong arms, to feel the muscles working in his broad shoulders. I wanted to take him up on that subtle challenge, to pit my strength against his, our naked bodies straining and wrestling together until one of us surrendered, and the other claimed a sweet victory…

Instead, we made polite conversation until it was time to leave, bidding our host a gracious farewell. Outside the villa, the prince’s companions called to him, badgering him to honor a pledge he’d made.

“Will you renege on your word, your highness?” one of them asked smoothly; the fair-haired Barquiel L’Envers, heir to a powerful Namarrese duchy, brother to Isabel L’Envers, another contender for the prince’s hand in marriage. I did not care for the dismissive way his gaze skated over me. “There’s a first time for everything, I suppose.”

“No!” Rolande retorted, stung. “Of course not.” He gave me an apologetic glance. “I promised them a visit to Tiberium’s finest brothel, such as it is, in exchange for…” His voice trailed away.

I raised my brows. “Enduring an evening of tedium?”

He grinned. “Well, yes. You exceeded expectations. Nonetheless, I do keep my word. Come with us?”

I wanted to say no. I’d no desire to visit some Tiberian brothel where the art of pleasure was treated as mere commerce, not a sacred calling.

I opened my mouth and said, “Of course.”

W
OULD I HAVE
done anything differently?

No.

I couldn’t have.

T
HE BROTHEL COULD
have been worse; but it could have been better, too. It catered to a D’Angeline clientele within the city. I endured an endless parade of dancing girls and tittering catamites with kohl-lined eyes.

Many found patrons among the prince’s companions, starved for a taste of the luxury and licentiousness of home.

Rolande nudged me with his hip, bumping against the scabbard of my gentleman’s sword. “You look disapproving, young Siovalese country lordling.”

I shook my head. “Not disapproving, no. It’s just…” I shrugged. “There is nothing sacred in their calling, nothing sacred here.”

“No?” His dark blue eyes met mine. “
Nothing?
”

I swallowed hard, my throat suddenly thick. “Ah, well, as to that, my lord…” I didn’t know what to say. If he had been anyone else, I would have laughed and clasped the back of his neck, yanking him down for a hard kiss, honoring Naamah’s gift of desire. Country-bred or no, I’d lived a life of privilege.

But he was the Dauphin of Terre d’Ange, and he outranked me by many, many degrees. I should not do this, should not even think it.

He laughed softly, deep in his chest, then leaned over, his lips close to my ear, his breath warm. “I’ve kept my word. Let’s go.”

Knowing I should say no, knowing I should refuse, I went with him nonetheless. Outside, the night air was crisp and fresh. I breathed deeply, feeling the effects of wine and desire. Six guards in the livery of House Courcel flanked us discreetly, escorting us to the prince’s rented villa. Later, I came to know the villa well. That night I paid scant heed to it, following Rolande as he led me to its innermost chamber, where the household staff had hastily lit many tapers.

There, his callused hands cupped my face. “Anafiel de Montrève.”

I grasped his taut, sinewy wrists, holding him at bay even though the time to refuse was long past. “Rolande de la Courcel.”

His teeth gleamed in the candlelight, shadows pooling in his eyes. “Are we making love or war, my warrior-poet?”

I tightened my grip on his wrists, brushing his lips with a kiss. “Both.”

With a swift, decisive move, Rolande hooked one foot behind my right leg, tugging me off balance and tumbling me toward the bed; but I had anticipated it, and I twisted my body sideways, landing atop him and pinning his arms.

“Point to me,” I informed him, taking advantage of the situation to kiss him again, harder this time. His full, firm lips parted beneath mine. I eased my grip on his wrists, exploring his mouth with my tongue; tentatively at first, then with increasing hunger. He tasted like wine, sweet and heady.

Strong and sure, Rolande flipped me over, reversing our positions, his legs trapping mine in a scissor-lock. “Point to me. Is this how Siovalese country boys make love, then?” he asked me, his black hair hanging around his face.

I could feel the weight of his body holding me in place, the hard length of his erect phallus pressing against mine beneath his breeches. It was unbearably arousing. “Sometimes.”

He grinned and kissed me. “I like it.”

We were well matched, Rolande and I. He was taller and stronger, but not by much; I was quicker and more agile, but not by much. We played at wrestling, stealing points and kisses, until it was no longer a game, until there were no victors or losers, only the urgent drive to remove clothing, to feel skin sliding against skin slick with sweat. I kissed his bare chest, bit and sucked his small, hard nipples, reveling in his groan of pleasure, in the feel of his hands hard on the back of my head, freeing my hair from its soldier’s club.

“I want you.” His voice was harsh and ragged, his phallus throbbing in my fist. There was no trace of humor in his words, only raw demand, and his eyes had gone deadly serious. “
All
of you.”

A flare of gilded brightness and surety filled me, so vivid I imagined I could see it reflected in Rolande’s pupils. “I am yours,” I heard myself say.

The unknown depths claimed me.

I
WOULD THAT
dying brought clarity.

Did Blessed Elua have some purpose in joining our hearts together in one swift lightning bolt of a night?

I want to believe it; I have always wanted to believe it. Even after Rolande’s death, even after I embarked on a path I half despised, I believed it.

It is hard to believe now.

Still, I try.

I
N THE AFTERMATH
of love, I was self-conscious. My body was ringing like a well-tuned bell, shivering with pleasure, and I wanted nothing more than to sink into sleep, tangled in linens beside the prince in his warm bed; but he was the Dauphin of Terre d’Ange, and I did not know the protocol for this situation.

I’d been sent to woo him on Edmée’s behalf, not bed him on my own. A canker of guilt gnawed at me.

“Stay.” Gazing at me with half-lidded eyes, Rolande saw my uncertainty. He ran a few strands of my hair through his fingers. “Russet.” He yawned. “Like a fox’s pelt. You put me in mind of autumn. Stay.”

I drew a line down his sculpted torso, his fair skin the color of marble warmed by candlelight. Truly, I’d cast him well as Achilles. “Rolande… you felt it, too?”

He didn’t ask what I meant. “I felt it the moment you stormed into the salon and charmed me into enjoying poetry. Elua’s hand is in this.”

“You know why I’m here.” It wasn’t a question; I’d heard him say as much in the bathhouse.

“Sleep.” He rolled over and kissed me. “We’ll talk on the morrow.”

I slept.

In the morning, everything was different. The world was different,
I
was different. A spark of the brightness I’d felt the night before lingered within me, tinting everything with a golden glow.

Gods help me, I was in love.

Everything about Rolande delighted me: the way he smiled sleepily at me upon waking, his face creased with pillow marks. The breadth of his shoulders, the shape of his hands, his long legs and the muscles of his flanks. The obvious affection he had for his household staff, and the equally obvious way in which it was reciprocated. He had an open, easygoing manner about him which nonetheless managed to retain an element of royal dignity.

“So,” he said at the table where we broke our fast with crusty bread drizzled with honey. “Tell me, Anafiel de Montrève. Why should I wed Edmée de
Rocaille?”

Coached by my ambitious foster-father, I had a considerable array of compelling arguments at my disposal. I abandoned them all. “Frankly, I’m not sure I can answer.”

It surprised him. “Why?”

I shrugged. “You know the advantages as well as anyone, your highness.”

His mouth quirked. “Rolande.”

I flushed. “Rolande. Marriage to Edmée brings an alliance with the House of Aragon, and the promise of a strong ally on our southern border. But… I am here on
her
behalf, too. I promised her I would not press House Rocaille’s suit unless I thought you were a man she could love.”

He was silent a long moment. “You find me unworthy?”

“
Too
worthy,” I said softly. “How can I advocate for Edmée, feeling what I feel today? I have compromised myself.” I paused. “Or do I attach too much significance to the matter?”

“
No.
” Rolande’s reply was swift and firm. “No. But…” He leaned back in his chair, gazing at the ceiling. “I don’t have the luxury of choosing, Anafiel. I am my father’s only child, his sole heir. No matter what I will, I must wed, and carry on my bloodline.”

“Blessed Elua says otherwise,” I murmured.

“Blessed Elua was a god, not a king’s son,” he said dryly. “He had no concern for mortal politics.”

“I would not have you break Edmée’s heart.” I swallowed. “
I
would not break her heart.”

Rolande studied me. “Are you in love with her?”

I shook my head. “I love her like a sister. I, too, am an only child; Edmée is the nearest thing to a sibling I have, she and her young brother David.”

“Is
she
worthy of
me
?”

Stung, I shot him a fierce glance. “Of you or any man, your highness! I would not be here if she were not.”

“Peace, my warrior-poet!” Rolande said in a mild tone, raising his hands. “I suggest you counsel her honestly.” His broad shoulders rose and fell in a helpless shrug. “It may not be the course diplomacy recommends, but I think it is the best one nonetheless.”

Y
OU WERE RIGHT
, Rolande; but you were wrong, too.

If the world had been a different place, a kinder, gentler place in which all of us obeyed Elua’s precept, everything might have been different.

It wasn’t.

You were too good for this world, you and Edmée alike.

I
WROTE HONESTLY
to Edmée.

She wrote honestly in reply, her letters tinged with affectionate dismay.
My father sent you to court a royal bridegroom for me, and you seduce him instead? Either you found him so lacking you seek to protect me, or so perfect you must keep him for yourself. Which is it, Anafiel?

Meet him and decide for yourself
, I wrote to her.

So I shall, in time
, she wrote in reply.
How can I not be intrigued by a man bold enough to capture your heart? If there is room for both of us in
his,
I can imagine far worse fates, near-brother.

Those words freed me from the shackles of guilt that weighed at me, freed me to enjoy my time in Tiberium with Rolande. The weeks that followed the arrival of Edmée’s second letter were some of the happiest I had known. Days were consumed with study; nights were filled with revelry and love. With the exception of barb-tongued Barquiel L’Envers, Rolande’s companions regarded our relationship well enough, and I formed friendships with several of the others. Even the Tiberians and the university Masters were reasonably tolerant, won over by Rolande’s good nature. It was Maestro Gonzago de Escabares, an Aragonian historian, who began calling me Antinous after the name of a young man who was once the beloved of a Tiberian Imperator. The nickname spread, and was meant more affectionately than not.