Spider Brains: A Love Story (Book One) (29 page)

"No." I blubbered out.

"Yes. Come on. I want to go."

I sucked back my tears and sat up. I looked at dad. My face pinched but I didn't make a sound that time. I turned back to Matt, his hand still outstretched and I grabbed it. Even through my mittens, even through dad's glove on his hands, I felt his warmth emanating into mine.

He pulled me up and then pulled me into a hug. "Come on." He whispered, letting go of me. Then, he bent down to pick up my flowers and placed them properly into the headstone slot provided and, he said, "There. Let's get out of here."

As we walked through the grandiose forged metal gate we stopped and looked back, once. We looked at each other.

We sucked saliva into our mouths, puckered up and, we spat at the ground.

FIFTY SEVEN - Getting Over the Hump

"Study tonight?" We Y-ed off in the middle of the street after getting home.

"Sure."

"Dad home?"

"Huh uh."

"No?"

"Huh uh."

"Will he be home for dinner?"

Matt shrugged. I rolled my eyes and looked behind me to the kitchen window. Mom was washing dishes. I'd need to apologize to her... for a few things.

"Want to eat with us?"

"Sure." His cheeks shone pink from the cold. His eyes brightened. They looked thick and swollen, red.

I raised up on my toes to reach his shoulders and to give him a hug. "Thanks for going with me."

"No prob." He patted his gloves together and blew air from his mouth into his fists. "What time?"

"Huh?"

"Dinner."

"Oh, yeah." I looked back at mom, who was now watching us, then back to Matt. "Five-thirty should work."

"K."

"K." I smiled. He gave me a wave and I turned and loped up the stairs toward the door. When I turned to Matt he was still standing there. "K." I said again.

"K." He said. "Bye." He waved once more and turned to his house and walked away.

But, then, something had been needling at me and I couldn't let it alone. "Hey, Matt!" I yelled from the porch. A stiff wind gusted through, nearly pushing me.

He stopped and turned back to me. His shoulders were tucked in from the cold.

"What's with your dad?"

"What d'ya mean?"

"What I mean is that he's never around. Is he working." His eyes didn't give anything away. He sort of stared blankly at me, not saying anything. Another blast of wind bent the trees behind him and kicked off some snow making it look like a flurry but the snow wasn't falling then.

Matt looked in the direction the wind blew in.

"Well?" I pressed.

"A meeting."

"A meeting. A meet--" I shook my head in disbelief. "One long meeting, I'd say. He's never home."

But, as though he'd been sworn to secrecy, Matt just turned this time and walked away from me.

I'd opened up some fresh wound today.

We'd both been through a lot and it didn't look as if it would be over too soon.

F
IFTY EIGHT
- Getting the Skinny

"How'd it go?"

I didn't answer mom. Not really. "You know." Was all.

I went to the refrigerator, opened it and screamed, "Chocolate Goat's Milk!" I spun to look at mom who had a you-know-what-eatin' grin on her face. "Can I have some?"

"I got it for you. They had some at that specialty grocers. I stopped there after I left you two at Costco. I figured you'd need a treat after..." She turned quickly back to the sink where she always seemed to be cleaning something.

"Oh. Man. Cool." I pulled out the carton. "Matt will LOVE this."

"Matt?"

"He's coming over again, ya know, to study." As I poured my mouth burst into a wet cavern awaiting my favorite drink in the entire world. It'd been far too long since I'd had this chocolate delight. "Can he come over for dinner?"

"Again?"

"His dad,
Paul
. You know. Absent With or Without Leave. What's up with him, anyway. He's never around. Do
you
even see him anymore?"

She didn't respond she just let me sit there waiting for an answer. Her head was down looking into the basin.

"Mom?"

"Susie." She stopped moving her hands but left them under the water. "You don't always have to know everything about everybody." Then she grumbled something.

"What?"

"I said, anyway it's none of your business what Paul does."

"Well, so sorry to ask. I though you might know is all and I thought since all we do is feed Matt day-in and day-out that you might be able to shine a little light on the subject. But. Forget it. Sorry to say a thing about dear
Paul
.
Paul
, the AWOL."

"Susie. Lord. When will you learn." Then, she turned to me. "If Matt needs to come to dinner then we will have him for dinner. They are our friends. If Matt needs
anything
, we will try to help him. Why? Because they are our friends. Okay?"

"God. Mother. It's not like I'm going to broadcast it on the evening news." I waited for her to turn back to her dishes or whatever was in that water that kept her so intrigued all of the time. "What. Is he in jail or something?"

"Susie. Lord have a heart. The man is having an
extremely
difficult time with being all alone, with losing his wife," Mom's voice was starting to pitch up, "with having to raise a child all by
herself
!"

The silence that fell, then made me feel as if I'd stepped off a high cliff with no chance of landing, ever.

Mom turned back, realizing her error.

I got up and walked to my room, forgetting about my milk on the table.

FIFTY NINE - ...On
Paul
!

Matt's face went slack. "Look, Matt. I forced it out of her. I was badgering her and she just couldn't take it anymore. She told me that if she told me, that I would have to let you know. But. I cross my heart. Your secret is safe. Mum's the word."

"Keep it under your arms." He mumbled quietly.

"I thought that was just our family who said that."

"It's universal."

"Huh."

"He goes ALL of the time." He said referring to Paul.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"There was no good moment."

I nodded and looked at our study sheet. Matt's study sheet. "What meetings?"

"God. You name it."

"Like what?"

"Single parents. Survivor Single Parents " He started the list of meetings Paul was going to. "Cancer survivors." He counted on his fingers now. "AA." He looked up almost as if to apologize. I just shrugged my shoulders but he continued. "Group therapy and his private sessions."

"Lord."

"I know. Extreme, huh?"

"No. I meant, Lord, that's sad." I handed him one of our study sheets. Matt had lost his sheets already sometime between our second and third tutoring session. "I didn't know... it was... that... bad." Our eyes connected. His looked like a beaten dog's. "I'm sorry."

"S' okay."

Delilah jumped up on Matt's lap. "She likes you."

"Hey. Delilah." He scratched her chin. "Hey pussycat."

My eyes got so huge, like, I thought, oh my god is
he
my soul mate? A kind of weird thought. But, I didn't say a word.

"She's purring."

I chuckled. "She does that when she's happy. She purrs a lot." Then, I rethought it, "except, of course, when I'm playing the sax."

Matt laughed but continued to scratch Delilah.

"Look. Matt. I promise you with everything, I will never, ever let this out, to anyone, not even your dad. Ever."

"Thanks, Susie."

And, I realized at that moment, I'd never heard Matt call me by my first name.

SIXTY - Mom Asleep v. Mom Awake

I was up early that morning. She was still in bed sleeping when I crept into her room. She looked like a cherub, with a single long ribbon of golden hair draped across her forehead just above her eyes. Her arm looked suspended and framed her face, bent around her head like that, all propped on top of the pillow with her nose barely touching the skin of her bicep.

Her breathing was deep and raspy, almost snoring but not quite. Dad snored, big horn blower snores but mom's were ladylike snores, more velvety.

The covers had been pulled up close to her neck. The days had turned frosty and even though the heater had been set to 70 degrees, the air held winter close inside it.

I stood there watching her before I said anything. It kind of bothered me to wake her.

"Mom."

She didn't move at first, then like a knock inside a dream she answered.

"Yes?"

I smiled because, for me, the point between waking and sleeping always felt like being on the brink of either becoming conscious or slipping away forever. It's
that
precarious.