Stand Strong: You Can Overcome Bullying (and Other Stuff That Keeps You Down) (3 page)

I try to be like Jesus when it comes to dealing with bullies. He is the supreme example of someone who was bullied for His religious beliefs. Yet Jesus was so cool, so true to Himself that
He never used His power to strike back at them. I’m sure Jesus could have zapped His tormentors with a lightning bolt if He’d wanted to. Instead, He dealt with bullies just as He dealt with all people—with compassion from a foundation of love and redemption.

I wasn’t usually that strong. My experiences with bullies often left me feeling both intimidated and angry, not to mention depressed, anxious, stressed, and sick to my stomach.

As an adult, I’m better equipped to rise above bullying. But I admit that the bully at the resort pool did bother me. He made me uncomfortable just as he made everyone else around the pool uncomfortable with his drunken rant.

Did he make me ashamed or insecure or depressed? Not at all! You see, I now have the best defense anyone can have when it comes to bullies, one that I will share with you in this book. Our first step in building your own bully defense system is to help you define yourself so that no bully and no other person can tell you who you are.

A S
ENSE OF
S
ELF

This is a lesson I learned the hard way. I let the taunts of bullies stick to me like burs when I was a kid. I pretended to be sick so I could stay home from school and avoid them.

When I went to school, I hid in the bushes so they couldn’t
find me. I was very vulnerable, and bullies took advantage of that. There were so many questions that I couldn’t answer, including this big one:
If God loves all of His children, why did He create me with so many imperfections?

Most kids my age were worried that their noses were too big or that their zits would never go away. I’d lie in bed at night tortured by thoughts about what I lacked:
Couldn’t He have given me at least arms, or at least legs, or at least one arm or one leg? Why would He leave me with no limbs at all? What purpose does that serve? What purpose can I serve? How can I function in a world designed for people with limbs?

My nagging doubts about my value and my future were only made worse by bullies who said mean things to me, made jokes about me, or shunned me like I wasn’t a real person. All of this weighed so heavily on my mind that I had suicidal thoughts. A few times I had urges to throw myself off ledges or countertops.

Finally, around the age of ten, I did make an attempt to drown myself in the bathtub. I put my head underwater and held my breath for a long time, but I couldn’t do it. I had visions of my parents and my brother and sister crying at my funeral. I couldn’t stand the thought of them grieving or feeling hurt or guilty. It wasn’t their fault; how could I cause them such pain?

That day, I decided suicide was not an option. The self-destructive feelings still came, but over time they diminished.
Still, I know firsthand that bullies can drive you to despair. I understand those feelings.

If you’ve felt depressed and had thoughts of hurting or killing yourself, please do not allow bullies to take your joy and your will to live from you. Why give anyone that power? Don’t let them take you away from the wonderful life that God has in store for you.

A B
ETTER
L
IFE
A
WAITS

If I had let bullying drive me to suicide, I would have missed a life that has been full of joy and love in measures that I never could have imagined. I would have missed marrying the love of my life, not to mention the birth of our son! I never would have had the opportunity to meet and encourage people around the world.

You and I just don’t know what wonderful things are possible for our lives. Only our Creator knows what is in store for us. You may be in the dumps right now. Maybe a bully is making your life miserable. It’s a horrible feeling, I know. But I can help you. You can get past this. Better days are ahead, and you don’t want to miss them, do you?

We all have challenges. Yours may be far greater than mine. I was born without limbs, but I was blessed in many other ways. I believe we all have the power to overcome challenges
through determination and God’s help. Remember, you may feel you don’t have the strength to handle a challenge, but He does.

I lack limbs, but I’ve hung in there and come through some major storms. I’ve dealt with bullies all my life. In fact, I’m still dealing with bullies—and I’m a married man with a child. I’ve learned to handle the bullies, mostly by controlling how I respond to them and by building a solid foundation from which to fend them off.

You can learn to do the same. By sharing my experiences, I’d like to give you a
hand
with that. (A sense of humor helps too!) For a time in my teen years, I thought I would never be able to go to college, to earn a living, or to make a contribution to this world. I thought no woman could ever love me as a husband, and I never thought I would be able to be a father and hold my child to my heart.

I was wrong, wrong, wrong, and wrong again! The bullies who said nasty things to me had it wrong, and so did I. My life—the same life that looked so dark for a while because of bullying and insecurities—has been absolutely and ridiculously wonderful!

I never could have imagined what God had in store for a guy born without arms or legs. You can’t imagine what your Creator’s plan for you is either. I suggest that we both stick around to see the good that life has in store for us.

T
URNING A
N
EGATIVE INTO A
P
OSITIVE

Maybe a bully has teased you about being short, tall, skinny, or different in some way. I’ve learned that the things that make us feel different can be our greatest assets. I know that being criticized or shunned is painful. Yet having experienced that pain can also make you a more compassionate, empathetic, understanding, and thankful person.

You’ve probably heard the saying—or even the song by Kelly Clarkson—that says, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” On my bad days, I’d think,
Sure, but it still hurts right now!
That’s true too. But you can use a bully’s taunts as motivation to grow wiser, stronger, smarter, and more confident than ever before.

If someone hurt you, then become the person who reaches out to others who are hurting. If you were not treated with compassion, then change that pattern by offering compassion to others. If no one stood up for you, then stand up for someone else. My message is simple: if a man with no arms or legs can overcome challenges like bullying, anyone can. I gave my
imperfect self with all my broken pieces a chance, and look what happened!

You see, what happens in our lives isn’t about chance. It’s about choice. You and I may not be able to stop bullies and thoughtless people from saying and doing hurtful things, but we do have the ultimate power—the power to choose how we respond and how we live.

Y
OU
A
RE
S
TRONGER THAN
Y
OU
T
HINK

Bullies look for people they can overpower with words, with their fists, or by isolating and manipulating them in person or online. They look for weaknesses, sensitivities, or insecurities they can exploit. You probably have all of the above, right? Who doesn’t?

Everyone has something to be insecure or sensitive about. That doesn’t make us weak. It makes us human, but also a little vulnerable, which again isn’t unusual at all. Being vulnerable can make us more sympathetic and thoughtful in our dealings with others. You can be vulnerable and still be strong.

Bullies also prey on people they can isolate, which can include the new kid in a school or neighborhood or a teen on the Internet at home. I’ll offer more on this later in the book, but keep in mind that isolating yourself from other people over long periods is not a good thing. I’ve been there.

When you don’t have someone you can talk to, negative thoughts creep in. Even little things that normally wouldn’t bug you can get to you. Bullies love that. They are like hurricanes. They swoop in and tear away at anything that isn’t solid, well grounded, and tethered to strong supports. But we’re going to make you bully proof by building a strong foundation that never cracks.

This isn’t about being cocky. It’s about being so secure and strong that no bully will ever be able to make you feel weak or worthless or unworthy. You will know exactly who you are and what value you offer the world.

This doesn’t mean bullies won’t come after you. Some of them like a challenge. But trying to bully you will be like beating their heads against a wall. Your self-confidence will drive them crazy, and eventually they’ll go looking for a weaker target; or, even better, they’ll decide that bullying is just a bad deal and give it up!

F
AKING
I
T TO
M
AKE
I
T

What we’re looking at here is not a new thing for teens. I think most psychologists and psychiatrists agree that the teen years are when most of us begin to forge our identities, figuring out who we are, where we fit in, and what we can build our lives
around. When I was entering my teen years, I wanted so badly to fit in with all the other guys. I didn’t want anyone to perceive me as weak or insecure, so guess what I did? I pretended to be someone else.
Not a good move, Nick!

I tried to fit in by acting tough and swearing like the guys I was trying to impress. This was very strange behavior for me. I can’t remember ever even hearing a cussword until I reached high school. There was certainly no swearing in my home.

My parents raised us to love God and to honor Him at all times. Our lives were built around our faith. My brother and sister and I were very sheltered from the world in some ways; we weren’t even allowed to listen to any radio unless it was a Christian station.

God must have been very disappointed when He heard me swearing, but I’m sure He understood that I was a little lost. My first weeks of high school were eyeopening. Everyone cursed! At least it seemed like that. There were so many swearwords flying around I began to wonder if I had it wrong and maybe the words that I thought were bad really weren’t. It was like I had discovered a whole new language.

Seriously, I became convinced that swearing was just the normal way teens talked. I desperately wanted to seem normal and cool and like a rugged guy, so I abandoned the real Nick and became Foulmouthed Nick.

I started swearing because I was scared of not fitting in. There is nothing wrong with wanting to fit in and be accepted, but there is something wrong with abandoning your values and beliefs to do it.

I was rejecting myself in hopes that no one else would reject me. Crazy, isn’t it? We all make adjustments to get along with other people. We all have to accommodate the wants and needs of those around us to some degree. That’s all part of living in a larger world—being part of a family, a community, a nation, and the world.

But you should never do things you feel are wrong because you want to fit in. You don’t need to pretend to be someone else to fit in. You already have a place on this earth.

Try this instead: Be so comfortable with yourself that other people feel comfortable with you too. Create a life that makes you so joyful that they will want to share in your happiness.

W
EARING A
M
ASK

For a while, I played a dumb game and tried to act like the “cool kids.” I have no idea why cursing was considered cool, but
I fell into the habit quickly. It was like we had our own language, so maybe it made us feel independent and grown up.

I felt guilty, too, because every time I swore, I was defying the standards set by my parents. I had no reason to defy my parents. They loved me and wanted only the best for me. I always knew that.

Maybe I was subconsciously declaring my independence from them. Those little rebellions are part of growing up too, though probably not the part that most parents enjoy.