Star Crossed (Starlight #3) (9 page)

‘
Yes Summer,’ he says eventually. ‘There is something else I brought you here to tell you.’

‘
Does this involve Paddy McGuire?’ I breathe.

Adam looks at me in surprise, and then his expression adjusts.

‘I guess I should have figured you’d work that out,’ he sighs. ‘You’re too smart for your own good Summer.

There’s a smile at the corner of his mouth, but then it vanishes.

‘My brother’s death does involve Paddy,’ he says. ‘But not in the way you think.’

He’s silent again for a long moment.

‘How did you come to know Paddy?’ I ask.

Adam’s nostrils flare slightly, as though thinking of a bad memory.

His eyes are back on my face now. He seems to be searching for something there, but I’m not sure what.

‘
I know Paddy,’ Adam says slowly, ‘because I tried to kill him.’

Chapter 10

I feel the world implode in my ears.

Adam tried to kill a man?

The horror must show on my face. Because Adam flinches like I slapped him.

His eyes close in pain.

I grip his hand, willing him not to close down. When Adam opens his eyes again I’m giving him the full force of my feeling, channelling my acceptance of him.

‘
Tell me what happened,’ I say gently.

There’s a long pause. Then
his voice comes again, barely a whisper.

‘
After Michael died,’ he says slowly, ‘I was mad with rage. Mad at everything. He died so young. And I felt like someone was to blame.’

His eyes open, and there’s that sad little smile on his lips again.

‘I decided to blame the people who recruited Michael,’ Adam says, his voice coming steadily, in a dead kind of tone. ‘To me, it was their fault. If they hadn’t signed up my brother, he never would have died.’

I nod slightly. I do understand that, to a point. If my sister had died so young, I
might have looked for someone to blame too.

Adam’s hands clench and unclench.

‘I made some enquiries,’ he continues, ‘and Paddy’s name came up. He was the top fella for finding new IRA recruits. In our area at least.’

I stay silent, feeling the immense pain coming from his words. I squeeze Adam’s hand, thinking how awful it all must have been.

He looks at me uncertainly, and then speaks again.

‘
I was a stupid young boy,’ continues Adam. ‘Still a teenager. No understanding of how anything worked. But I was good with a knife, and I was smart. And I got close. Really close to taking Paddy out.’

There’s a strange look in his eye now. I guess he’s remembering.

‘You got close to killing Paddy?’ I ask, hardly daring to hear the answer.

Adam nods.

‘Closer than anyone else ever got,’ he says. ‘I didn’t realise, but a man in Paddy’s position has a lot of enemies. The British Army would have loved him dead. Not to mention the Protestant factions. Paddy was extremely well protected,’ Adam continues. ‘But in my ludicrous ignorance, I managed to get a knife to his throat.’

I bite my lip. I can imagine this.
A teenager with nothing to lose, hell-bent on avenging his brother.

But from what I know of Adam’s connection with Paddy, they’re friends.

‘So what happened?’ I ask, trying to work out how you go from trying to kill a man, to having him as your ally.

‘
My brain kicked in,’ says Adam simply. ‘It was a split second thing. I was nearer than you could ever imagine Summer…’

Adam’s hand is rigid in mine, and his eyes close again. Shame radiates out from him.

‘I was so angry,’ he continues, ‘there was so much rage in me. I could have done it. I honestly think I could have cut his throat.’

Adam turns to me now, his face open and raw.
As if challenging me to love him after this confession.

‘
But you didn’t,’ I say quietly.

‘
No,’ says Adam, ‘I didn’t. I hesitated. Just for a moment. That was all it took. Paddy disarmed me, and had me at gunpoint.’

My eyes widen.

‘But,’ continues Adam, ‘Paddy hesitated too. He could see I was a young lad. He didn’t want that on his conscience.’

‘
So you told him about your brother?’ I guess, piecing some things together now.

‘
Yes,’ says Adam. ‘I told him how Michael had died. And I explained to Paddy that I blamed him, and I’d come to kill him.’

‘
What did Paddy do?’ I ask, riveted by the story.

Adam’s face softens.
‘He hugged me,’ he says. ‘Paddy grabbed me in a great bear hug. Told me he was sorry for my brother. Told me how devastated he was for Michael’s death, and that he’d always respected him.’

Adam nods slowly.

‘It was the only thing Paddy could have done to change my mind,’ he continues. ‘If he’d have done anything else, or tried to explain…’ he pauses, wrestling with his thoughts. ‘I would have struggled, tried to knife him, and he would have shot me.’

I stare at Adam, stunned. It hardly seems real, this world of his. Where a teenage boy is faced with knives and guns and lethal bomb blasts.

‘Paddy and I cried together,’ continues Adam. ‘Just sobbed in one another’s arms. Then Paddy poured me a whisky, and told me the story of how Michael joined.’

Adam seems more at ease with this
element of the story. As though the bad part is over.

‘
By the time he’d finished telling, I realised that no-one was really to blame,’ says Adam. ‘There was no good to be gained by harming Paddy for Michael’s death.’

‘
So you left having befriended Paddy?’ I ask.

Adam raises an eyebrow.

‘Not exactly,’ he says. ‘We left with mutual respect. Paddy told me that if I ever wanted a favour, I could call on him.’

Adam pauses again.
‘But I never had cause to call that favour in.’

His blue eyes are on me.

‘
Until that situation with your ex-boyfriend,’ finishes Adam.

Realisation sweeps through me. It cost Adam a lot to call Paddy. He disguised it with bravado. But
it cost him.

‘
You did that for me,’ I say quietly, turning over the implications. ‘After all those years, you never asked for Paddy to give you that favour. You did it for me.’

‘
I never needed Paddy before,’ says Adam, looking a little uncomfortable.

But I’m shaking my head.

‘That’s not true,’ I say. ‘I’ll bet there were other times, when a man like Paddy could have been useful to you. But you never asked him.’

I stare back at the grave, and then at Adam.

There’s a lot of different feelings running through me. I was always grateful for Adam’s intervention with Dez. But I never realised what it meant to him. What a sacrifice it must have been to call in that favour.

It makes me love Adam all the more.

‘Thank you,’ I say.

Adam smiles a little.

‘Summer Evans,’ he says slowly. ‘You’re something else. I’ve just admitted a terrible thing about myself, and you’re thanking me?’

‘
I know what it must have cost you,’ I say quietly. ‘I know what you did for me. Calling Paddy to warn off Dez.’

Adam looks as though he might deny it, and I shake my head.

‘There’s no point trying to say otherwise,’ I say. ‘And I’m grateful. It makes me feel… Loved.’

I smile a little contemplating the word.

‘I guess that sounds a little fucked up,’ I admit. ‘But the way I see it you gave up some of your pride to help me out.’

Adam considers this.

‘Maybe so,’ he admits. ‘But Summer, that can’t surprise you.’

He studies me intently.

‘I would do anything to protect you,’ he says.

‘
Then let me protect you back,’ I say fiercely. ‘You’ve told me about your past now. I understand it. I love you all the more for knowing everything.’

Adam
’s face registers shock.

‘
I feel like it taints me,’ he says after a moment, his blue eyes earnest. ‘Like I’m damaged because of it. I was fine with that. Like I say, I’ve learned to live with it. But then I met you. You’re so pure Summer. You deserve a man with no complications. How could I ever ask you to accept me for who I am?’

This is such an easy question to answer that I can’t help but smile at him.

‘Because I love you,’ I say with absolute certainty. ‘Not just the rock star part of you. All of you. You with the sad past. It makes you who you are.’

Adam’s face has a look of wonder, as though he can’t quite believe what he’s hearing.

‘I feel closer to you than ever,’ I assure him, ‘I’m happy that you brought me here. I feel privileged to know this about you.’

He hesitates as if unsure whether to speak, and the plunges on.

‘I want to tell you how it happened,’ he says, and there’s something urgent about his speech now. ‘I never told anyone how Michael was recruited. Not even my Mam.’

He lets out a deep shuddering sigh.

I urge him with my eyes to carry on talking.

‘
We were out on the wrong side of town,’ Adam says. ‘Michael and I. We took a short cut, but we missed the gates closing.’

I give him a puzzled look.

‘The town gates,’ he explains, ‘back then there were gates dividing the two parts of town. They shut at night time. It was too much trouble if they kept the main road open. Drive-bys and the like.’

I nod, trying to get to grips with how truly terrible it must have been to live here during those times.

‘A Protestant gang saw us, recognised us as Catholics,’ he continues. ‘Would have beaten the shit out of us, or worse.’

He takes a deep breath.

‘But some of our own saved us. Proper hard men. They’d seen these Protestants corner some Catholic boys and jumped over the wall to intervene.’

‘
The wall?’

‘
There’s a heavy wall, barbed wire in parts, which divides the areas,’ explains Adam. ‘It’s still there. You can see it.’

‘
So what happened?’ I asked. ‘These men saved you?’

‘
In a way,’ says Adam, frowning at the memory. ‘They had weapons. Not just knives, guns.’

I feel my breath constrict, wondering what he’s going to say next.

‘Our attackers ran a mile,’ he says, ‘at the first sight of a gun. You have to understand,’ he adds, ‘this is a poor area. People can’t afford guns. Mostly they carry knives or defend themselves with their fists.’

I nod, imagining the scene.

‘I saw something in Michael’s face,’ says Adam, ‘when that gun was pulled. I could see him thinking how much easier it would be, if we had proper weapons. How we could see off anyone who bothered us.’

I stay silent for him to continue.

‘The men were part of the IRA,’ continues Adam. ‘That’s how they had guns. They accompanied back to our part of town, and told us about their missions, and how they were working to free Ireland.’

‘
They wanted to recruit us,’ Adam continues. ‘It was obvious. We were perfect. Young boys who had just escaped a beating by some Protestants. They could see in a few years we’d be good-sized men.’

‘
Were you tempted to join?’ I ask.

‘
Me? No,’ says Adam. ‘I knew what comes of blood for blood. Seen too many mams bawling over dead babes. Too many good men vanish. But Michael…’

I know what’s coming.

‘Michael always had a chip on his shoulder,’ he says with a sigh. ‘Thought we should be more militant against the Protestants. Thought we should take more action against the bombings.’

Adam’s eyes are back on the grave now.

‘So he joined the IRA?’ I probe gently.

Adam nods, as though he doesn’t trust himself to speak.

‘He used to go out in the evenings,’ he says. ‘Told us it was some youth group, and I was stupid enough to believe him. I should have guessed. But I didn’t want to admit it to myself…’

‘
You were only a teenager,’ I protest. ‘You couldn’t take responsibility for your brother in that way.’

‘
But that was my job,’ insists Adam. ‘My dad died when we were small. And I was always a parent to the younger boys. I could have done something to stop him.’

I take his hand, but
don’t say anything, letting him work the thought through.

‘
The day after his seventeenth birthday, Michael was in an IRA pub,’ says Adam in a quiet voice. ‘A bomb went off. He was killed instantly. My mam was distraught. Kept saying Michael didn’t know what kind of pub he was drinking in. But I knew. Suddenly it all slotted into place. Michael had been recruited.’

The sadness in Adam’s face is so infinite, it seems impossible to stem. But I feel a deep love for him rise up.

I reach my hands up, taking hold of his face.

‘
Listen to me,’ I say firmly. ‘This is not your fault. You couldn’t have stopped him. He made the decision on his own.’

Adam shakes his head, pinned slightly
by my hands holding his face.

‘
I should have guessed where he was going,’ he says. ‘Maybe I could have talked him out of it.’

‘
I don’t think you really believe that,’ I say. ‘It sounds like your brother would have taken that path no matter what you said. He wanted the weapons and the power to defend himself.’

Adam gives a tiny nod, as though he accepts this on some level.