Starting Over (11 page)

I set off for the library to get some books for an assignment and on the way noticed several groups of girls and boys hanging out, drinking coffee, gossiping at a bus stop. I even saw Leela and her mates trying on sunglasses at a pavement stall. They were goofing around, having a laugh, as Leela put three pairs on so that she looked mad. Watching them made me feel lonelier than ever, especially when Leela noticed me standing there like a sad stalker. I turned away quickly and walked purposefully off down the road. I wondered whether to call Ruby or Nicole. But would that seem like I was desperate? If they'd wanted me to hang out with them, they'd have invited me, wouldn't they? I didn't want to come across as too clingy. I got my phone out to call Ruby then put it back in my bag. I grabbed it again and wrote a text to Nicole then deleted it. I thought about phoning Mikey but I didn't want to encourage him or give him false hope and I also felt it was unfair to use him just because I had no one else.

Arrghhhhhhhhhhh,
I thought.
I am in one of the most crowded cities in the world and yet I've never felt so alone. How pathetic is that?

Snap out of it,
said a strict voice at the back of my head that sounded like my old maths teacher back in Ireland.
Stop being so fricking self obsessed.

Shut up,
said another voice.

You shut up,
said yet another.

Oh God, I am losing it,
said the first voice.

And then I laughed to myself and thought I must tell Erin about my inner arguments.
Like who needs company when there's a coachload of people living in my head?
I decided to have a badge made saying,
Schizophrenics are never lonely.
I could wear another badge next to it, saying,
Oh yes we are.

I found the books I needed at the library and did a little homework, then after an hour or so I set off to go home. When I got back, I let myself in, went down to Mum's workroom in the basement and began some sketches for my self-portrait project. I played around with the multi-personality idea and even gave some of my more distinctive voices names - like Paranoid Penny and Sensible Sadie and Wimpy Wanda. As always when I get into drawing or painting, I became so engrossed that the time flew by. Around four o'clock, I heard sounds coming from the kitchen. On further investigation, I found that it was Kate and Tom, the boy she got together with when we were in Greece.

‘Hi, Tom,' I said.

He'd draped himself in the window seat and, with his longish dark hair, he looked like a moody rock star. He was watching Kate as she poured two glasses of Aunt Sarah's Chablis. He barely glanced at me. ‘Hey.'

‘India,' said Kate. ‘I thought everyone was out.' She didn't look happy about me being there at all.

Oh I get it,
I thought.
She was hoping to have the house to herself.
I certainly didn't want to be held responsible for ruining her
afternoon. ‘Nope. I'm here,' I said, but I turned towards the door. ‘Er, got to go. Got things to do. Busy busy.'

‘Oh by the way,' she said. ‘Someone called Ruby called earlier. Is that Ruby Jennings from school?'

I nodded. ‘You know her?'

‘Everybody knows her.'

‘You like her?'

Kate shrugged her shoulders. ‘Bit full of herself, but she's OK I guess. I haven't really spent much time with her. Anyhow, Tom, let's go.'

He got up and saluted. ‘Yes ma'am. See ya, India Jane.' He followed Kate out like he was an adoring fan. I was about to follow after them, but he didn't even look back to say goodbye and shut the door in my face.

‘It's OK,' I said. ‘I can take a hint!' I'd never felt so invisible in my life. I went to the phone in the hall and called Ruby's number. A lady picked up at the other end and told me that she was out and wouldn't be back until the evening. I didn't have her mobile number and I felt it would be weird to call back to get it.

I went back down to the basement to finish my drawing and as I did, I thought about my list of things I wanted in a friend again. It was becoming clearer. I did my drawing in shades of blue and in the style of Picasso in his blue period. It was of me curled up, looking sad and I called it ‘Weekend Blues'.

I woke up late on Sunday. It was ten o'clock and I'd slept right through. The aroma of bacon was wafting through the house.
Yum,
I thought as I got dressed and dashed down the stairs.

Mum and Aunt Sarah were in the kitchen, both fully dressed, making brunch with Radio Four on in the background. You'd never guess that they were sisters as they are so unalike. Aunt Sarah is small and dark and Mum is tall and willowy. Even their personalities are total opposites. Aunt Sarah, the do-er, was efficient and precise in her movements. Mum, the dreamer, moved gracefully around the work units, like a dancer.

I pulled up a chair and explained the school show to them as they prepared food. ‘So what do you think? I asked when I'd finished.

‘Oh. Hmm. Let me get back to you. I'd need a while to think
it over,' said Aunt Sarah as she began cracking eggs into a bowl.

‘Cool,' I said. I knew she'd come up with something good, and as far as I was concerned, my scenery theme problems were history. Barry and Andrea would be well impressed when I took in a ton of brilliant ideas over the next few weeks.

After a huge breakfast, I went up to do more homework. Schoolwork always makes me hungry so after a few hours, I crept back down to the kitchen to make a sandwich. It seemed like a feast had appeared whilst I'd been upstairs studying. Salads. Quiches. Chicken. Ham. Lemon tart. Apple pie. ‘Is it someone's birthday and I've forgotten?' I asked Mum, who was busy chopping tomatoes for a salad. ‘What's with all the nosh?'

Mum grinned. ‘Surprise guest.'

‘Who?'

‘You'll see,' she said.

For a mad moment, I imagined that someone had invited Joe. Maybe Aunt Sarah had. She knew his mum well as they worked together. My heart began to beat fast and I wondered whether to dash back upstairs and apply lip-gloss. However there wasn't time as I heard a commotion in the hall and Mum dashed out to greet whoever it was. Seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. ‘And where's my Cinnamon Girl?'

‘Dad!' I raced out to the hall to find Dad being embraced by Mum and Dylan. He looked wonderful. Tall, handsome and tanned from being in Europe. He beckoned me over with his right arm and we stood in a rugby-scrum hug while Ethan came in behind us with Dad's cases.

‘But I thought you had a week or so to go,' I said after he'd almost squeezed the breath out of me.

‘I did, but the gods have smiled on me,' he beamed. ‘The man I was replacing made an early recovery and I got offered a position with an orchestra over here. An orchestra who is staying here for the season, I might add and . . . hmmm ... Is that bacon I smell? Lead the way. I'm starving!'

We trooped after him like a bunch of groupies and watched him tuck into the food with the enthusiasm with which he did everything. We were soon joined by Jessica and the twins, and then Lewis, who had made an effort and rolled out of bed for once. Even Kate put in an appearance, albeit a bleary-eyed one. Once again, the kitchen was like a busy café with people talking over each other, catching up, Dad eager to hear everyone's news and tell his own.
These times with all the family together are my best days,
I thought as I watched everyone jabbering away happily. As the frenzy of noise escalated and Dad went out to say hi to the piano in the front room - cue more noise - I looked around and wondered how I could have ever felt lonely here or that the house was too quiet. However, for me there was still one thing missing.

‘Hey Mum,' I said. ‘Know what we need to complete the party?'

‘Ear plugs,' she replied, but I knew she didn't mind the din.

‘Nope. We need a pet.'

‘Oh India . . .'

‘Please, please, please,
please.'

‘Not my decision. It's up to Sarah.'

I looked over at Aunt Sarah, who had retired to the window seat at the back of the kitchen and was reading the paper. She glanced up when she heard her name.

‘Can we have a pet, Aunt Sarah? I'll look after it, I promise.'

‘Feel free to say no,' said Mum. ‘We've taken over this house enough as it is.'

Aunt Sarah smiled. ‘I like it. This house was meant to be full of people. And I love animals. We always had a house full of cats when we were growing up, remember, Fleur? We never had a pet here because I'm away so much and Kate would have forgotten to feed it. So let me think about it, hey? I'll get back to you.'

I wasn't sure if I was being fobbed off as Aunt Sarah is very clever and uses her ‘I'll get back to you' line often as a diplomatic way out of things. I've heard her do it a few times with people to do with her business.

Our discussion was cut short by the phone ringing. It turned out to be Ruby. She was desperate for my advice and begged that I go round that afternoon. Although yesterday I would have killed for the same invite, today I wanted to stay home and be with Dad and the family.

‘My dad's just got back and I've got schoolwork too so I'd really —' I started.

‘Oh. Well if you have more important things to do, fine,' Ruby interrupted. ‘No matter. Laters.'

And she hung up! When I tried to call back, the answering
machine was on and I still didn't have her mobile number. I felt awful and spent the rest of the day and a sleepless night agonising about whether I'd blown my one chance at having a friend at school.

She was waiting for me at the gate when I arrived at school the next morning. I began articulating apologies and excuses in my head as she waved and approached me.

She linked her arm through mine to walk into school. ‘Oh. My. Go-ooood! Thank
goodness
you're here, India Jane.'

‘Me? Listen, Ruby, I'm so sorry about yesterday,' I said. ‘You really must give me your mobile as I would have come over yesterday . . .'

‘Yesterday? Why?'

‘You phoned, remember?'

‘Oh that? That was then. Loads has happened since then. My life is over,' she declared. ‘And honestly, that Nicole, supposed to be my mate, she
would
pick today of all days to be sick, like when I
really
need her.'

‘So what's wrong?'

‘Oh don't ask. I can't talk about it. It's way too painful . . .'

‘No. I meant with Nicole.'

‘Oh her. Flu.' She sighed dramatically. I wondered what I was supposed to do or say, when she turned and looked me directly in the eyes. ‘His name is Nick Carson.'

And so the floodgates opened about some student who she'd been on a date with at the weekend but who hadn't called her since.

* * *

Over the next few days, Ruby sought me out every lunchtime to listen to her rollercoaster ride with Nick. By the time Nicole returned to school, it was accepted that I was to be included in their breaktime hang-outs. I didn't push it. In fact, on the first day that Nicole was back, when I saw her with Ruby in their favourite spot near the radiator on the corridor to the art room, I headed off into the canteen.

I spotted Dylan at a corner table. He didn't notice me. He was surrounded by a group of girls and boys and was making them all laugh. I had no worries for him any more. He was already one of the most popular boys in his class. I bought a tuna mayo sandwich and bottle of water, and tried to look as if I was happy to be on my own as I had my lunch, but I still felt conspicuous. Instead of sitting there looking lonely, I decided to go to the library to read over
The Boy Friend
again. The next day was to be the second meeting about the show and although I'd read the script through several times, I was hoping that inspiration would strike. It certainly hadn't so far.

Ruby and Nicole appeared as I was engrossed in the script.

Ruby took a seat next to me and pulled the script out of my hands. ‘Hey Lady McSwot,' said Ruby. ‘What you doing in here?'

I explained that I'd been put in charge of the scenery and needed to get ideas.

‘You've got weeks to think of something,' said Ruby and she tugged on my arm for me to get up and follow her out. ‘Come
on. Nicole hasn't got your patience
è la
Nick and I
really
need to talk through with you what I'm going to wear tomorrow night.'

Nicole looked slightly hurt for a nano-second, but she covered it quickly and yawned. ‘Well, what do you expect?Yada yada. With Ruby, it's always another day, another boy.'

‘Nick is different. I think he may be my soul mate,' Ruby objected.

‘Yeah. And so was Dan. And Ben. And Michael. And Elliot ... Need I continue?'

‘But I love Nick with a love that is
true,
' said Ruby and she stuck her tongue out at Nicole, who gave me an exasperated look. ‘So are you coming?'