Authors: Hilary Wynne
“You’re wrong, Julian. It
is
what I want. It’s what I need from you too. I’m fine.” I try to kiss him again, and he turns his
head.
“You were scared of me, baby. I saw the fear, and now I’m scared to touch
you.”
I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to be able to hide my past from him. I try to offer enough information so we can move past this. I’ve come full circle tonight, and I need him to tou
ch me.
“I’m not scared of you, Julian. It’s not about you, and I’m so sorry I made you feel that way. Your touch makes me feel only good things.” I take the hand I’m still holding and place it over my heart. “Please touch me, Ju
lian.”
Julian leans in and gives me the softest kiss. He pulls me into his arms and holds me. He’s touching me, but it isn’t the same. My reassurances didn’t work. He really is hesitant to touch me, and it’s completely my fault. I’m not sure what to do to make this b
etter.
“Please lay here and hold me, Julian. Don’t pull away. I’m sorry.” I’m begging, and I kn
ow it.
I get what I want, and Julian and I lie down on my bed face to face. He has his arm around me and is gently stroking my back. When I look into his beautiful eyes, all I see is compassion, concern, and love. Yes, love. I’m crazy. I’m crazy for not holding on to him as tightly as
I can.
“Tell me about your trip. It was succes
sful?”
I hope the change in topic will help even things out, and it does. Julian tells me about the properties they looked at. He comes alive when he tells me he thinks Bywater will be acquiring a small hotel in Sanibel that’s similar to Hotel del Marco. They also will be taking over the construction for a condo complex in Naples where the builders ran into financial problems and need to sell. He gives me details and specifics, and I’m totally interested and thrilled he’s sharing it all with me. He hardly mentions his dad, and I find it odd seeing as his dad is the CEO of Bywater and was with him on the trip. It sounds like he was the one who was brokering all the deals, and I can see he really was busy. We talk about it for an hour, and when I look at the clock, I’m shocked to see it’s already nine t
hirty.
“Are you staying here tonight, Julian?” I try not to sound desperate, but I need h
im to.
“Do you want me to, Alexa?” His question is honest, and I can tell he’s still on
edge.
“Yes. I want you to stay. My earlier ‘passionate’ request for you to leave has been rescinded.” I attempt to make light of the fact I was trying to break up with him and kick him out a few hour
s ago.
That makes him smile. “Then I’ll stay. But we need to eat, because I’m star
ving.”
We head to the kitchen where we find Marissa cleaning up. She tells me her mom sent her home with lasagna tonight and that there’s plenty if we want it. She sits with us while we eat, and Julian tells her about his trip as well. If I didn’t just live through it, I would never believe that a few hours ago I was trying to end this relatio
nship.
After we eat, we clean up. Julian goes out to the car and gets his bag. He obviously came straight here when he got back into town. “Is it cool if I take a quick shower?” He’s already headed to my bathroom and doesn’t extend an invitation for me to joi
n him.
“Yes, if you promise to hurry
back.”
Julian turns, looks over his shoulder, and winks. “Hang tight, baby, I’ll be back before you mis
s me.”
I take my clothes off, dim the lights, and get into bed. I’m lying there with my eyes closed when I feel Julian slip in next to me. I open my eyes and gaze into his. They’re soft, and his voice quiet. “Tell me what you need from me, A
lexa.”
Right now I know exactly what I need. “Make love to me, Julian. I need you to make love t
o me.”
Julian pulls me tightly to him and buries his face in my neck. I can feel his heartbeat pounding in his chest. I know why he’s having this reaction. I asked him to make love to me. I chose my words carefully. I know what I said, and I know what it
means.
He reaches into my nightstand, takes out a condom, and puts in on. He doesn’t take his eyes off of me for a second. When he’s done, he positions himself on top of me and enters me slowly. He feels incredible inside of me, and once again I’m amazed at how my body responds to his. We fit together perfectly, like two pieces of a puzzle. My mouth finds his, and I slide my tongue in and kiss him like it’s the last time I’m going to have a chance to. I pour all of the hurt, anger, sadness, and desperation I’ve been feeling into this kiss. I want to pour myself into him. I need him to feel how I feel about him. He has to know how much I want and need him. I know he gets it when he pulls away for a minute and whispers in my ear. “Let it all go, baby. I’ve got you. You can hold on to me, Alexa. I’m here. I’m
here.”
As Julian slides slowly in and out of me, he continues to whisper beautiful things to me, and every last bit of doubt and tension I’ve been feeling for days fades away. I’m not sure what I did to deserve him, but Julian is here with me, and despite my best attempts to chase him away, he has stayed. As a result, I’m healing, and I’m so grateful. I hold him tightly until his climax subsides, and I savor the feel of his hard body on top of mine. After a few minutes, he gets up and goes to the bathroom to throw the condom away. He quickly gets back in bed and pulls me close t
o him.
“It’s not a good idea for me to go that many days without you, Julian. I need this. Not necessarily the sex, but the physical connection. Your touch. I need it.” I’m opening up to him in hopes he really understands it wasn’t just the lack of talking that got me all crazy. It was the lack of his presence period. His strength and energy help cent
er me.
“I get it, Alexa. I feel off when you’re not around, and I’m glad you’re bringing it up now, so we can talk about how not to let this happen again. I have a crazy week coming up, and I think you should come and stay with me at my place. I would come here, but I need to stay close to the h
otel.”
Wow. He’s asking me to stay with him for the week. This week of all weeks is the one week I shouldn’t spend so much time with him, but after the crazy behavior I just displayed, I’m not sure how I can say no. I don’t want to say no, I just have a bad feeling I’m not going to be able to keep it together all week. Julian takes my silence as a no and tries to convin
ce me.
“Don’t freak out. I’m not asking you to move in with me. It’s temporary. I’ll be working a lot of hours, and I just want to be able to come home and find you in my bed. You can just come over late if that works better for
you.”
He sounds so nervous, and I find it endearing. “Julian, I’m just trying to think about what I need to pack. You saw how much stuff I brought for two nights didn’t you? I don’t travel l
ight.”
I get a real laugh out of him this time. “So you’ll
come?”
“Don’t I always, Ju
lian?”
“Hmm … yes, you do always come. It’s another thing I love about
you.”
I take a deep breath and exhale. We’re okay. The banter feels like us. I snuggle into him and close my eyes. I quickly begin to drift off to sleep. This day has kicked my ass big time. I’m just about asleep when Julian whispers in my ear. I don’t know if he thinks I’m awake or not. “Let me be here for you, Alexa. I need this too. Let me help you heal,
baby.”
My heart swells with his words, and I take a minute to absorb them before I respond. The old Lexie would turn around and tell him she was fine and that there wasn’t anything to heal. The old Lexie would be mad and hurt that he felt the need to fix her. But thank God the new Lexie found some strength tonight and is willing to admit she needs and wants that from him. I know Julian knows something traumatic happened to me, and I bet he even might know what it is. But he isn’t going to make me tell him until I’m ready. That means more to me than anything righ
t now.
I don’t turn and face him, but I make sure my words are loud enough for him to hear. “You are, Julian, you
are.”
Something is shaking me, and I can’t tell what or who it is because it’s so dark. At first the shaking is soft, but it becomes stronger as the moments pass. I want to yell and ask what’s going on, but the words won’t come out of my
mouth.
“Alexa, wake up, baby, you’re okay.” I hear Julian’s voice in the distance. He seems so far
away.
“Please, Alexa, you’re having a nightmare. Wak
e up!”
The last part of his sentence along with the shaking jolts me awake, and I sit straight up. I’m not disorientated because I’ve been through this before. But I’m scared because I have no idea what I was saying or doing. Julian has turned the light on and is sitting next to me on the bed. It’s four in the morning. He looks a little freaked out. Oh crap. My dream starts coming back to me, and I can feel the tears on my cheeks. It was the dream where I find Brady dead. Julian takes me in his arms and holds me close. I wait for him to say something first because I don’t want to share any more than is nece
ssary.
“My God, Alexa. Are you
okay?”
I nod my hea
d yes.
“Do you remember your dream? Do you want to talk abou
t it?”
“Not really.” I’m totally lying. I remember i
t all.
“You’re crying, Alexa. You kept saying the words ‘I forgive you,’ over and over again. Who do you need to forgive, Alexa? Who hurt you, baby? Please talk to me.” His voice is pleading and desp
erate.
I wipe the tears from my face and look into the eyes of the man I’m falling in love with. The man who is begging me to let him in. It breaks my heart when the words come out of my mouth, but I can’t tell him about this. No
t yet.
“I don’t remember the dream, Julian. I have no idea why I was saying any of
that.”
He just shakes his head at me and looks down for a minute. When he looks up, I see the sadness he isn’t afraid to show me in his eyes. His voice is little more than a whisper when he res
ponds.
“You and I both know you’re not being honest. I’m not going to push you because I have a feeling that would be worse. But you’re going to need to talk to me, or someone, about whatever’s going on with you, Alexa. It’s going to tear you apart, and it’s going to tear us apart. Secrets do that. They alway
s do.”
I’m not going to argue with him or try to prove he’s wrong. There’s no
point.
“You asked me earlier what I needed from you. Well right now I just need you to hold me. Is that okay, Julian? Can you please just hol
d me?”
He turns the light off, lays back down, and pulls me to him. I close my eyes and try to absorb the warmth that’s radiating from his body. He never lets me go, and I fall back into a fitful
sleep.
I’m woken up again before my alarm. This time it’s by the horrible cramps that usually accompany my period. I wiggle out of Julian’s arms and head to the bathroom. Yep. My period is here. I put a tampon in, take three Advil, and head back to bed. I feel completely hung over, and I didn’t drink a thing last night. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, and my heart hurts. The fact that I haven’t slept well in four days just makes everything worse. It’s almost seven. I make the decision right then that if I go into work at all today, it isn’t going to be until
later.
Julian is sound asleep, and I take the opportunity to watch him. I’m hurting right now, and until the pain meds kick in, I won’t be falling back to sleep. The morning sun is peeking through my blinds and landing on Julian’s face. He looks so young, so peaceful, and so beautiful. The stress of last night isn’t showing on his face, and I’m happy to see he was able to fall back asleep. I’m hoping he’s as calm when he actually wakes up. I stay there looking at him for another thirty minutes and try to memorize his face. I run my finger over the scar above his eye and make a mental note to ask him where he got it. My touch makes him stir, and his eyes slowly open. He reaches for me and pulls me close. I flip around so we’re spo
oning.
He whispers in my ear, his voice heavily coated with the remnants of sleep, “Good morning, beaut
iful.”
“Good morning, hand
some.”
“Have you been awake
long?”
“Not long.” I lie because I don’t want him to know I’ve been laying here staring a
t him.
“Don’t you need to get up?” He looks at the clock. It’s now seven forty
-five.
“I’m calling in sick to work today, so no, I don’t need to ge
t up.”
“Are you okay? Or just tired?” He sounds concerned, and I know the memories of my nightmare are not far
away.
“I got my period this morning, and I have horrible cramps. My head is killing me, and I’m exhausted. So no, I’m not really
okay.”
He rubs my stomach. “Can I get you anyt
hing?”
He’s extremely nurturing. It’s an odd quality in a man who supposedly doesn’t get close to p
eople.
“Thanks, but I already took a few Advil. They should be kicking in pretty
soon.”
He continues to rub my stomach and even massages my lower back a little. I have t
o ask.
“Julian, don’t take this the wrong way, but who taught you to be so nurturing and such a good caretaker? You say you don’t get close to people, but it’s so hard to bel
ieve.”
“I spent a lot of time with Isabelle when she was sick. I also pretty much took care of Danny in the end, when Isabelle was dying. My parents were a mess and didn’t have much to give to him. I guess that’s where it comes
from.”
He says it like taking care of his dying sister and his little brother was no big deal. I’m in awe of his mo
desty.
“They both were so lucky to have you, Julian. You have such a soothing energy. I can only imagine how safe and loved you must have made them
feel.”
“I hope so. I hope that’s what she felt at the end. I think she did.” He sounds far away, and I’m sure he’s lost in a distant m
emory.
I flip over so I’m facing him. “I’m sorry if bringing it up upset
you.”
He looks me in the eyes and without skipping a beat responds, “It’s okay. I have no problem talking about my past with you. I want you to know me. I keep telling you that. You couldn’t really know me if you didn’t know about Isabelle. About her d
ying.”
Well okay. We both know what that comment really means, but I’m not biting. I don’t want to fight, so I change the su
bject.
“When do you need to l
eave?”
Julian narrows his eyes and gives me a look that says he knows I’m deflecting. “I need to be at the hotel by ten. We have a staff meeting every Monday at that
time.”
“What time do you usually get home? I’ll make you dinner, if that’s okay with
you.”
“Dinner? Absolutely! I’ll make sure to be home by seven. I’ll leave a key for you at the desk. Ask the doorman to bring your stuff up and park in spot 532. That one is mine
too.”
We talk for a few more minutes before Julian gets out of bed. He uses the bathroom and tells me he’ll let himself out. He suggests I get some sleep, seeing as I had such a rough night. He isn’t going to let this go. I see it now. He won’t make me tell him, but he’ll try to guilt it out of me. He has no idea who he’s dealing with. I can be a vault. As for staying in bed, I agree. I pull the covers up and burrow in. Julian kisses me on the forehead and tells me he’ll see me
later.
I text both Lauren and Ramon to let them know I won’t be in today because I’m not feeling well. I also send an e-mail to Andrea and our receptionist, Molly. After that, I fall back asleep and don’t wake up until after noon. I’m a little groggy when I wake up, but my headache is gone, and my cramps are tolerable. After I shower and blow out my hair, I head into my closet to figure out what I want to bring to Julian’s. I decide I’ll just pack for Tuesday and Wednesday. I have my appointment with Ellen on Wednesday, so I can swing by home after and pick up more clothes. It’s two o’clock by the time I’ve gotten my things and myself ready. I open my laptop and check my e-mails. I answer a few time-sensitive ones and close it back down. I’m officially off today anyway. I still need to go to the grocery store, but I have hours to kill before I need to get dinner started at Julian’s. I can’t stop thinking about him, and I want him to kn
ow it.
Alexa:
Missing you. Counting the hours.
5 more
He responds right
away.
Julian:
Hope you slept and are feeling better. See yo
u at 7
I haven’t seen my parents in a few weeks, and we really haven’t talked either, so I call my mom to catch up. She’s in a great mood. She can’t stop talking about the new house Tracy is thinking of buying and about Jill trying to get pregnant. She tells me stories about my nieces from her recent visit to Atlanta. She’s distracted with my sisters, so there’s no pressure on me at the moment. I’m okay with the fact she really doesn’t ask anything about me. She’s not like Julian’s mom. She would never let the story end with, “I met a guy.” I haven’t told anybody in my family about Julian. Not even my sisters. I’m not ready to introduce even the idea of him until I’m 100 percent sure he’ll be sticking around. We talk for about forty-five minutes. I tell her to give my love to my dad and promise I’ll come for dinner
soon.
When Julian walks into his kitchen at 6:52 p.m., I greet him, in a patterned pink sundress and J. Renee beaded, thong sandals, in the kitchen. The smell of my Thai-inspired shrimp stir-fry and jasmine rice fills the air. I’ve made it a few times and know it’s yummy. He walks in, picks me up in a bear hug, and kisses me passionately. He’s obviously happy to s
ee me.
“Well how was your day, dear?” I’m trying to be cute. This scene is very domesti
cated.
“Better now. It smells awesome in here. I’m starving. Is it almost r
eady?”
“It is ready. Just waiting for
you.”
Julian looks at his watch. “And I’m on time. Early, even.” He’s in a playful, relaxed mood. I love this J
ulian.
I figured we’d eat at the island, and I have it all set up. He sits down, and I bring the food over. I picked out a bottle of Riesling to go with dinner but ask Julian if he’d prefer something diff
erent.
“This is perfect, Alexa. My mom and Dario are the only people who ever cook for me, and never here, so this is a t
reat.”
“Great. No pressure. You told me your mom is a great cook, and Dario is an award-winning chef. Not sure my cooking skills can com
pare.”
“Well, if they’re as good as all of your other skills, this is going to taste amazing.” Julian winks at me and takes a
bite.
“This tastes great, Alexa. What
aren’t
you goo
d at?”
Um. Communicating my feelings? Letting people in? I’m not good at all kinds of emotional stuff, and he knows it, but if he wants to focus on my culinary and bedroom skills, I’m cool wi
th it.
I answer playfully, “Well, I’m not going to tell you that, Julian. I’ll just keep trying to dazzle you with my many tal
ents.”
“If I was any more dazzled by you, I’d be blind. You’re a very beautiful woman, Alexa Rose, inside and
out.”
I just sit there and smile at him. He does know how to make me feel good about myself. Even when I have cramps and am feeling bloated and gross, he finds me beautiful. “You do know you can call me Lexie, r
ight?”
He shrugs his shoulders, “I do call you L
exie.”
I shake my head at him. “No, you really don’t. You have a few times when we were having sex, but it’s Alexa 99 percent of the
time.”
He thinks about it for a minute. “I guess you’re right. You made that comment about nicknames a few weeks ago, and I guess it stuck with me. You’re Alexa to me now. Does it bother
you?”
Damn. I knew I never should have said that. I was right when I thought it bothered him at the time. “A little. The people closest to me call me L
exie.”
“Am I one of those people
now?”
I look him directly in the eyes. “I hope so.” And I mean it. I have my issues, but I’m trying really hard to get close to J
ulian.
My response makes him smile, and on the way back from bringing his plate to the sink, he stops where I’m still sitting and hugs me. “Thank you for dinner, Lexie. It was delic
ious.”
We spend the rest of the night being normal. We talk about our days and snuggle together on the couch watching TV. He rubs my back and gets me ice cream when I mention that I totally crave sweets when I have my period. We get ready for bed together, in his bathroom, and I can’t help but think how far we’ve come in such a short time. I silently give him all the credit. I asked him to not let me ruin this, and he has kept his end of the bargain. As I fall asleep in his arms, I actually give myself permission to relax and be
happy.
Tuesday morning is a continuation of Monday night. We both slept well, and I’m in a great mood. I’m trying as hard as I can to focus on what’s right in front of me, and I even convince myself that this weekend will pass with no major i
ssues.
Julian lets me shower first, and while I’m in here, I think about when
we
were in here, and it gets me a little hot and bothered. This is the first time I’ve had my period since we started seeing each other, and the whole topic is uncomfortable when you don’t know how the other person feels about being intimate during that time. One guy I saw for a few months in college treated me like I had the plague when I had my period. He was an idiot and didn’t last long, but it stuck with me. I don’t want to have intercourse right now anyway, but I’m not sure I can keep my hands off of Julian all week. It’s especially difficult when he sleeps naked and walks around his room the same way. He’s naked when I come out of the bathroom, and I can’t take my eyes off of him. He catches me st
aring.