Authors: Hilary Wynne
I look at Julian as I’m saying the words. I look right in his eyes so he knows I’m serious. He needs to know I’m not testing him or playing a game. I want him to leave. I
need
him to leave. The numbness that took root in my heart is slowly spreading throughout my body like venom, destroying every pure, warm, loving feeling I had. I can hardly br
eathe.
He doesn’t move at all, and it looks like he’s having a hard time breathing as well. I see the disbelief, sadness, and compassion he’s feeling shining through his wet eyes. I’m not surprised by his reaction to what I’ve just shared with him. Since day one, Julian has been very sensitive to my feelings, and I do know he cares about me. I am, however, surprised by my reaction to what just happened. I truly am
numb.
“Julian, please. You have to leave.” My voice comes out cold and
flat.
He still doesn’t move. He looks like he’s in shock. It’s probably only been a few minutes, but it might as well be forever. The longer he sits there, the more chance there is we’ll keep talking about this. I figure he knows this, and that’s why he’s not moving. I’ve threatened to end things between us before, and he stayed. I need to convince him this is different. Everything is totally differen
t now.
He finally speaks, and when he does, his voice is shaky. I’ve never heard him like this. “I’m not leaving, Alexa. I can’t. I don’t believe you really want m
e to.”
Apparently, I haven’t been very convincing, so I say it more firmly. “I’m serious, Julian. You promised, and it’s what I
want.”
“Let’s talk about this, Lexie. C’mon. You can’t tell me all that and expect me to just walk away. Please, let’s talk about
this.”
“There’s nothing else to say, Julian. You know everything now, and I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I want you to leave, and I need you to respect that. If you ever cared about me, you will do as I ask. Just leave.” The last few words come out in a whisper. My body is feeling the effects of this now. I’m shaking and starting to
panic.
“If I ever cared about you? Seriously, Lexie. How can you even say that to me? I care about you now, so much. That’s why I’m sta
ying.”
I close the door because I hear Marissa coming out of her room, and I don’t want her to know what’s going on. Julian obviously has no intention of leaving any time soon. I feel a panic attack coming on, so I just slide down the door and sit on the floor. I put my head between my legs and try to calm my breathing. I hear the bed frame creak and know Julian is coming toward me. I put my hand up to tell him to stop. He sits down on the floor next to me but doesn’t touch me. We silently sit there for at least ten minutes, and the only sounds in the room are those of us breathing. As soon as I feel more in control, I turn my head and rest it on my knees. I look at Julian and ask quietly, “Why won’t you go, Julian? You’re making me beg you. Why are you sta
ying?”
I close my eyes and take a deep b
reath.
“
Mírame
, Lexie.” I open my eyes and do as he asks. “You don’t know why I’m staying,
baby?”
I just shrug my shou
lders.
“I’m staying because I wish someone would have stayed for me. I wish someone would have fought for me when I was spiraling out of control. I was left on my own and stayed that way until you fell into my life. You need someone to hold on to, and it can be me, Lexie. It should b
e me.”
I hear the words, and I truly can’t understand why he wants to deal with any of this. We have only been together for a short time, and I’ve been a mess for most of it. I’m giving him such an easy out, and I don’t understand why he won’t take it. “Why, Julian, why should it be you? Why do you even want it to be
you?”
He makes sure I’m looking at him before he responds. When he does, I see the sincerity in his eyes. “Because I love you, Lexie. I’m
in
love with you, and I have been since the first night we were together. You know that. I know you do. You haven’t believed it’s real. But it is, Lexie. It’s so
fucking
real. None of what you told me changes that. That stuff makes me love you more. You’re so strong, baby. You amaz
e me.”
Julian’s voice is soothing, and it helps me absorb a little of what he’s saying. He’s telling me he loves me. That he’s in love with me. This incredible, beautiful, patient, loving man is sitting on the floor of my room and telling me that despite everything I just told him, he wan
ts me.
The problem with all of this is that I don’t believe he can actually feel this way because he doesn’t really know me. I’m
a lie.
“You don’t even know me, Julian. This relationship isn’t real because the Alexa you think you’re in love with isn’t real. I’ve been lying to myself and everyone else for so long that I’m not even sure what’s true anymore.” I sit up and lean against my bed. I’m physically creating more space between Julian and me in my attempt to push him
away.
“Lexie, I do know you. You’ve tried really hard not to let me in, but it hasn’t worked. I understand now, baby, and I wish you would’ve told me all of this so I could’ve supported you. I feel like there are so many things I could’ve done differently. I came on so strong. I’m sorry for that, or if I pushed you too
hard.”
As Julian recounts all the things he thinks he has done wrong, something inside of me softens a tiny bit. I still want him to go, but I want him to leave knowing this isn’t his fault. I owe him
that.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Julian. You need to know that. You’re a great man, and I was a willing participant in everything that happened between us. I’m just sorry I let it get as far as it
has.”
Julian’s expression darkens. I guess he thought I was going to change my mind about breaking up with him. He processes my words and understands my intentions haven’t changed a
t all.
His voice is laced with desperation and fear. “Far? We were going for epic, Lexie. Remember? This isn’t over. I understand you may need some time to process all of this. I get that telling me was a big deal. I’m sure when you first shared this with your friends and family, it was hard to feel comfortable around them. But nothing has to change between us. It will only get better without all of this between us.” He reaches over to take my hand, but I pull away. I can’t let him touch me. I’m not sure what will happen if he
does.
“Julian, as of right now, almost a year later, there’s only one person who knows everything that happ
ened.”
Julian’s expression registers his disbelief.
“Me?”
“Yes. You. You’re the only person I’ve told about the rape. Brady told Luke, but I didn’t know that until the other night when he threw it in my face. I thought if I kept it to myself, I could pretend it didn’t happen. I haven’t told my family, my friends, or Ellen. And nobody knows about the note. Nobody knows his death was my f
ault.”
All of this is pouring out of me despite my initial unwillingness to talk about it. I don’t feel anything when I’m saying it, and that’s the worst part. I should hurt, but I just don’t. I look into Julian’s eyes, and I see
he’s
hurting. This is all so
wrong.
“I’m not going to pour any of my stuff into this, Lexie, but I do understand what guilt can do to you. I understand loss and death and keeping secrets, baby. I understand pain. The kind that consumes you and makes you just shut down.” Julian reaches over and gently laces his fingers through mine. I don’t pull away this time. I don’t crack or fall apart. I just tell him the
truth.
“I wish I felt the pain right now, Julian. It would be better than not feeling anything. I don’t feel anything, and you have to accept that. I can’t do this. I don’t want to hurt you. You don’t deserve this.” I mean every word. I don’t want to feel
empty.
He scoots closer to me, looks me right in the eyes, and asks, “Can I hold you, L
exie?”
Oh. There’s an emotion. Guilt. I feel this. The look in Julian’s eyes is making me feel guilty. Guilt is the last thing I want to feel right now, so I nod slowly. Julian doesn’t hesitate and pulls me quickly into his arms. He arranges us so he’s leaning against the bed, and I’m on his lap. He’s holding on to me as if his life depends upon it, and I can feel him trembling. This has been hard on him too. He strokes my hair, and a flicker of warmth passes through me quickly. It’s tiny, but it’s something. I take a deep breath, exhale, and lean into his embrace. Everything I’ve experienced in the last few days—the drama, crying, drinking, panic attacks, lack of sleep, running, and emotional stress—has taken a tremendous physical toll on my body. It’s almost one o’clock in the morning, and I’m drained. He isn’t leaving, and I just can’t find the strength to mak
e him.
We sit there wrapped up in each other until our breaths become one. We don’t speak. I let everything he’s said to me tonight loop on repeat through my head. I try to steer his words out of my head and into my heart. He told me he loves me. I want to feel it. I want to believe it. I cling with desperate hope to the realization that I still
want
to feel. After a long while, Julian picks me up and lays me down on my bed. He lies behind me and pulls me toward him. He wraps himself around me as if to protect me. He doesn’t understand the damage is already done and that he can’t protect me from this. I’m grateful he wants to try t
hough.
I’m so grateful that I force out the words he wants so desperately to hear “You can stay, Julian,” I softly wh
isper.
His response is also a whisper and a plea. “I’m going to stay, Lexie. I’m not going to leave you. You just need to hold on to me, baby. Please, just hol
d on.”
I thread my fingers through his and grip as hard as I can. As if my life depends on it. I hold on, and I
stay.
To all of the awesome people who have touched my life and may see some of themselves in my characters, thanks for the love, laughter and great memories over the
years.
To Michele M., my BFF: Thanks for always being there and knowing me well enough to understand what I need to hear. Your friendship means the world to me. Marissa is the kind of friend to Alexa that you have been to me for twenty-five-plus years, and I hope I did her justice. Sorry for having them do tequila shots without a napkin safety net … Kamikaze’s seemed a little outdated. I’m so happy you got past page 13, and I appreciate the help with the Spanish and geography. I know you lived in S. Florida your whole life …
Thank you very
much
!
To Lisa H., my partner in crime who has loved and supported Julian and Alexa since day one: Thank you for listening to my stories and encouraging me to put them to paper. Thank goodness for long drives to tennis matches in Bailey’s Crossroads. I may not have done this had you not wanted more and had your toes not curled! Your support through this entire journey has kept me going. The tequila shots are for you. Love you,
Hooka!
To Heather H., my word-nerd friend who kept helping me find missing words: Your encouragement was so appreciated. You continued to believe when I wasn’t sure and helped me back away from the ledge more than once. I would have been
crestfallen
if you didn’t li
ke it!
To Becca SS, my cousin: Thanks for all your suggestions and for sharing your love of books with me. Hopefully the cover (number 58 out of 275) helps sell the
book!
To Hannah SS, my younger cousin: You were right. Alexa is better than Alexis. If this series sells, we will talk names for my next
book!
To Rachelle E: Thanks for test-driving a few pages, Rach. Hope the window stayed open for a little while afte
rward!
To My Bookin It Group: Thank you for your shared love of books and your support and encouragement. You all
rock!
To Polly C: Thanks for jumping in at the last minute and giving it another pair of eyes. I just couldn’t do it
again.
To Bronwyn & Alex at Standout Books: You’ve gone above and beyond and taught me so much. It’s a pleasure working with you and I appreciate everything you have
done.
To my family, my h
eart …
To my kids, Lynsey–Jesse–Justin–Jake
–Jared
To my mini-me Jared who changed my name on his phone contact info to say “the author” instead of Mom: You can’t read this book, but your support meant the world. Thanks for letting Mom follow a
dream.
To Jake: Thanks for just being interested in what I was doing. I know that it’s not always easy for a thirteen-year-old boy to do that. Your constant questions and suggestions made me think. You have a heart of gold, and I love you so much. P.S. You can’t read this e
ither!
To Jesse and Justin: Thank you for being so proud of me that you told your friends what I was doing. I’m always proud of you. Oh, and thanks for telling me that writing U in a text instead of you was not cool! P.P.S. You can read this book, but you may not want to. It’s not so mo
m-ish!
To my parents, sisters, and brothers: Thanks for always encouraging me to be the best Hilary I can be. I’ve always been allowed to spread my wings, and your support gave me the courage to try this. You guys have my back and I know it. I lov
e you.
And last but certainly not least—to my husband, Jack: It’s hard to keep this to a few words. Your support and encouragement mean absolutely everything to me. Thanks for helping with the
research
and for sitting on the beach reading a romance novel. You’d do anything for me, and I do know it. You and the boys are my world, and I love you with all my
heart!