Stepping Up To Love (Lakeside Porches 1) (29 page)

“Yes, very helpful.” Justin enjoyed the last bite of his fish.

“And the remaining two-thirds of the administration and staff. Are they competent? Committed to the students and to the fiscal health of the college? Do they work together? Are they organized efficiently? Some things can be fixed.”

Justin set down his fork. “So it’s not all about income and funding?”

“That’s important, but as I’ve said there are many factors.” She silently counted them on her fingers. “I forgot the library. It’s got to be a hub for student research and collaboration with faculty, multimedia production, heavily connected with other college libraries for resource sharing. A library makeover goes a long way toward revitalizing a college, if the college is worth salvaging.”

“If I can summarize, I hear you saying the trustees should study all those dimensions and make a decision: reinvent the college or fold it. To reinvent it, we’d need to abolish tenure, slash and re-imagine the curriculum—all the programs and how they’re positioned. Overhaul recruiting and retention, re-purpose facilities and staff, resurrect the library, and overhaul systems, probably bring in a chief information officer. What are the odds that any of the high-level administrators will survive?”

“My guess is there are one or two gems. You’d want to identify them quickly and protect them. Make them key players.”

“I may want to circle back for recommendations for consultants.”

“Happy to help. Buy me dessert, and let’s talk about you.”

“Why talk about me?” Justin signaled for the waiter.

“I’m worried about you.”

“Nonsense.”

“Not nonsense.” Sydney ordered two decaf coffees and a trio of sorbet with two spoons. “You’re not happy. You should be married, happy, and passionate about your work. You look like you’re dying.”

Justin sat back and drilled her with a look. “I may look like I’m dying, but I believe I’m being reborn.”

At her stunned look, he gave her a big smile and reached for her hands.

She grinned. “You always knew how to shake me up.”

“Why didn’t we marry, Syd?”

Sydney cocked her head and thought a moment. “You wanted wealth. I wanted a life partner, a couple of kids, and work I felt good about. We had different agendas. On different continents. You went off to study in London and never came back.”

Justin had a sudden memory of the phone call telling him his parents’ flight had gone down in the Atlantic. “No, I never came back. I just ran. I’m finally done running, Syd.”

Sydney kept hold of his right hand while the waiter set down their dessert and coffee. When they were alone again, she looked at him across the table. “You know, in the old days we’d get close like this.” She shook her head, remembering. “And then you’d get this fear in your eyes.”

“But we were good together, weren’t we? Or was I the only one that thought so?”

Sydney gave a throaty laugh. “You speak my truth. But you were scared about intimacy—the deep sharing two people are capable of when they know each other’s secrets and care deeply about each other’s happiness.”

“And that scared me? I wonder why.”

Sydney shrugged. “I guess I always figured it came along with wealthy families, distant parents, no one to model for you what true intimacy was and how it worked.”

“That tallies, yes.” Justin’s smile was a warm caress. “I always loved you, Syd. Let me know if Danny boy steps out of line.”

“You’ve got a deal. But I’m betting you’ll find someone else now. And I insist you invite me to the wedding.”

“What do you suppose Justin is doing in New York?”

“He could be meeting with some woman, interviewing consultants to save the college, or just seeing a few Broadway plays. If we need to know, we’ll know. That’s enough stalling.”

“Okay, the problem is I don’t know how to talk with Joel about the wedding.”

“There’s a problem?”

“Duh!”

“Now wait. I’m hearing that you want to marry Joel and you want to be by his side through his recovery and for the rest of your lives. Where exactly is the problem in that?”

“The problem is I want a wedding, and he wants to be married in his hospital room so we’re not ‘living in sin’ when he comes home. I know I’m being selfish. But it really matters to me. When I found out Lyssa and I would be getting our inheritance and it would pay for my second year at school and more, the first thing I thought about was a wedding dress. Me, the girl with no fashion sense. I want a really beautiful wedding gown, and I want to walk down the aisle and stand up with Joel in front of everyone we love and say our vows and celebrate with them.”

“And you can’t do that why?”

“Because Joel will want to be married before we live together, which means we’d be married in his hospital room.” Manda dissolved in tears.

“Chickie, it’s time you got those tears out.” Gwen went to Manda’s side with a box of tissues, pulled out half a dozen and handed them to her. “Weep and blow, sweetie. Then we’ll make sense.”

Manda let the tears flow. Halfway through the flood she choked out, “I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself.”

“Keep the tears coming. There’s more than selfishness and self-pity going on here.”

Gwen sat quietly while Manda cried herself out. She watched patiently as Manda blew her nose. When she saw the misery on Manda’s face change to calm and then to happiness, she knew her sponsee was coming back into balance with herself.

“You’ve been through an exhausting, frightening time these few weeks, sweetie. You nearly lost the man you love; you’ve found yourself forging an alliance with his larger-than-life uncle; you’ve been sleep-deprived and undernourished; you’ve been away from your meetings and your people. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling a tiny bit disappointed about a radical change in wedding plans.”

Manda drew in a deep, cleansing breath. “Okay. You’re right.”

“Of course,” Gwen quipped.

Manda managed a weak smile. “And I’m so thankful for that. I need your help to do the right thing here. I love Joel, and I don’t want to mess things up by being a twelve-year-old. I’ve done that once.”

“Do you really think Joel is so rigid that he won’t consider living together for a few months while you plan the wedding you really want?”

Manda nodded. “He doesn’t want me to be the target of gossip again—or him either—by doing anything people will disapprove of.”

“Are you so sure of that? I mean is that really what Joel’s thinking? Or is it you thinking that’s what Joel’s thinking? Or is it you thinking, and you want it to be somebody else’s thinking?”

“Well, he hasn’t actually said anything like that.”

Gwen rubbed her back and told her, “I think you’re being overly sensitive about public opinion, Manda, and I can see from your experience why you would be. But I don’t think Joel’s worried about judgments other people are making about you or about him or about the two of you.”

“You don’t?”

“I don’t. Joel felt awful that he couldn’t protect you any better than he did, but all of that is in the past. Are you opposed to living with him during his recovery, without benefit of marriage?”

“Not at all.”

“It doesn’t feel like you’re shacking up or being taken advantage of?”

“Of course not. Does it to you?”

“No. If people need to gossip, that’s their problem. Don’t let that stop you from doing what you know in your heart is best for you and Joel. Joel works very hard at being true to himself. You need to do that, too.”

Manda nodded, gathered all the soggy tissues, and dumped them in the cute little wicker wastebasket on Gwen’s four-season porch. She looked out at the lake—slate green under a weak winter sun.

Gwen let her be still for a minute before asking, “Manda, from your heart, what is best for you and Joel right now?”

“I believe the right thing is for us to be married. We’re soul mates, and we’re good partners. I can help him with his life’s work, and he can help me with mine. Even if he doesn’t want children, we have so much in our lives, so much to offer each other and others. I don’t just mean Joel’s money, you know that.”

“I know, sweetie. Here’s a wild thought. Suppose Joel, all of a sudden, says he wants to have a couple of kids?”

Manda’s smile lit the porch, seconds before the sun broke through the clouds to warm the room. “I’d be thrilled.”

“And it’s okay with you if he doesn’t?”

“It’s okay with me if he doesn’t.”

The sun did not waver. Nor did Manda’s smile.

“You sound very clear about both those possibilities.”

Manda nodded.

“How about telling Joel all of this?”

“Do you think it’s okay for Joel and me to be talking about serious stuff while he’s still so fragile?”

“You’ve thought it all the way through, so, yes, I do.”

Manda looked out at the lake again. “Justin really wants what’s best for Joel, doesn’t he?”

“Yes. And he’s convinced you and Joel belong together. And just between you and me, Justin’s got his heart set on buying your wedding gown as his wedding gift to you.”

Manda squealed with joy and made a grab for Gwen.

Gwen hugged her tight. “Which means my job is to fatten you up.”

“Good, because I’m starved.”

Manda decided to take the stairway up all five floors. When she reached the top step on Joel’s new floor, she felt the last of the fear blow out of her with an exhale.
That felt good.
She stood still for a moment, took a deep breath, and exhaled again. At last, she was ready to navigate the hospital corridors to Joel’s private room.

Joel’s eyes opened the moment Manda walked through the doorway. He reached out a hand to her, and she moved in for a kiss. Joel wasted no time on preliminaries. “I want us to be married and maybe have a family.”

Manda caught her breath. She sat heavily on the bedside chair.

“Manda?”

“Yes!” She was stunned. “I thought you didn’t want children?”

“I didn’t. And I don’t have to, if that’s not right for you.”

“What changed your mind?”

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I’ve been learning about love with you and about tenderness. Watching you grow and change has been fascinating. I‘d like to be a father, and I think I can be a good one.”

“I know you can.”

Joel seemed to hold his breath. “Do you want children?”

Manda grinned. “With you? Absolutely.”

Joel kissed her hand. “So let’s get married and see what happens.”

Manda laughed. “It’s a plan.”

“You like the idea?”

“I love the idea. Let’s make it happen.”

“I was going to propose for Christmas, but I think Christmas might have been last week. I’ve had the ring for a while. Justin is trying to find it in my apartment. Did he tell you he’s going to live in my place and oversee renovation of the first floor for us?”

“I thought the plan was to create a suite for you at the Manse and add a therapy room and a pool.”

“Two plans. A one month blitz at the Manse for the therapy suite, and three months construction at fourteen Lakeside Terrace, the whole first floor.”

“So you and I will be living together as soon as you get out of the hospital?”

“Which is why I want to be married now.”

Manda took a deep breath.
I can do this
. “That would mean I don’t get to wear a beautiful dress and have flowers in my hair and have my sister stand up with me.”

“Is that really important to you?”

“It’s really important to me, Joel. How would you feel about being engaged and living together for a few months?”

“I’m fine with that.” Joel reached for her hand. “Are you sure you are?”

“Yes, as long as we have a date for the wedding and our plans are moving along.”

Joel face creased with a smile. “Why do I think you’ve started making plans?”

“Busted.” Manda gave him a quick kiss. “I asked about dates in June, and the Manse can hold a reception for fifty on the third Saturday. If it’s a nice day, we can be married in the new garden. Harold says the roses will be in bloom.”

“That makes my heart sing,” Joel told her with a glance at the heart monitor, which had not wavered from its beat. “I’m getting good at faking out this machine.”

Manda let out a belly laugh that brought the nurse rushing in. Joel waved her back, and Manda apologized for both of them.

Joel stroked her cheek. “There is one more detail we should discuss, if we’re going to be living together sooner than we planned.”

Manda raised her eyebrows.

“I heard you say you wouldn’t let me leave the planet without a night of wild sex.”

Manda blushed hotly. “You heard that?”

“You got my attention,” he teased. “One question.”

“What?”

Joel ran his thumb along her lower lip. “Just one night of wild sex?”

She gave him a saucy smile. “How about one night at a time?”

“I can get into that.” He gave her a long, slow kiss. “We might need to work up to wild and stormy.” Joel’s smile told her he wasn’t terribly worried about that.

Manda went back for another kiss, a little more playful this time. “I think that could be fun.”

“I agree, we should have as much fun as we possibly can.” The next kiss was deep and long and punctuated by soft laughs from Manda and satisfied sighs from Joel.

Manda felt her heart opening and widening and flowing into Joel’s. She pulled back and looked into his smoky green eyes. “I love you with all my heart.”

Instinctively, Joel reached out with his right hand to play with the curls that had fallen onto her forehead. He held her gaze for a moment before touching her lips and kissing her all over again.