Still Water (18 page)

She pulled away. "Tell me." Lily's eyes penetrated mine. I was terrified to lose the chance with her. We were barely starting. "I'm here… with you. I've told you my biggest sin. What's yours?"

Her face held no judgment as I told her about the night I hit Liz. I wasn't sure how much I should tell her about my relationship with Elizabeth. I loved her so much and for so long, I didn't think Lily would understand. I wanted her to like Lizzie, not look at her as a threat.

"So you were jealous?" she asked.

"It was more than that, Lily. I used to love Elizabeth…" Lily sucked in a ragged breath. "Used to, babe. She was all I ever knew. I grew up with her, remember how I told you?" She nodded. "She was who I thought I'd end up with, but I didn't. I messed up a lot back then, and I don't want to lie to you, it's not fair to you. But yeah, I was in love with her."

It was quiet. The room felt hot, the space between us seemed to widen, and I thought I could physically feel her emotionally pulling away from me. Lily's eyes cast down, and I watched as her chest moved in and out deeply. "Look at me." I lightly pulled her chin up; her eyes hesitantly met mine. "I loved her once, yes, that's true, that's how I am. When I fucking love someone, it's fierce and real. I lost myself in that girl, but I've moved on." I took her face between my hands. "I need you to hear me. I moved on, Lily. I'm ready. I'm ready, and I can already feel myself getting lost in you, in your fucking eyes every time I look at you. In your voice, in who you are. I can already tell this is going to hurt, but I want it. I want the risk. I haven't wanted that in so long, but I fucking want it with you. So trust me."

Lily's eyes filled with tears I placed my lips on the corner of her mouth, kissing her easily. My lips eased up her jaw to her ear. "Trust me," I whispered.

She exhaled deeply before she spoke. I pulled away so I could look into her eyes, the eyes I couldn't stop thinking about. "I trust you." She smiled quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Yes. I'm glad you opened up to me. I'm still processing everything. It's a lot to take in. I get that you once loved her and that you will always love her as a friend. I understand why you were so hurt that night you made that huge mistake in hitting her. I think it's sad that you haven't forgiven yourself, but believe me… I understand that, too. I'm just scared, Todd. I just think everything is going so fast. We need time. I don't want us to burn out."

"I know, and I agree, time's a good thing. And I'll prove to you that Liz is a done deal for me. She texted me earlier today inviting me over for dinner. My brother, my best friend Cam, and Liz's husband Sawyer will be there. Come with me?"

"To meet your friends?" She appraised me with a nervous smile.

"Yes, come with me. It'll be fun. This Sunday, you in?" My heart was thumping hard inside my ribcage. It was as if this answer could make or break us.

"I'm in."

I let my lips find hers. She tasted so sweet right then, I licked her bottom lip and the now familiar berry flavor had me needing more.

"Nice to know you were concerned about your best friend being in jail?" Seth's jovial tone made me laugh against Lily's mouth. Always the cock blocker.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Lily

T
HE CRUNCHING SOUND OF
the thick brown paper that covered the pint glasses I was unpacking was the only noise to break up the heavy silence that had taken residence at Blue Bar. The damage to the back bar display proved to be much worse than what we'd thought, causing Frank to keep the bar closed for the rest of the week. The glass shelving and decorative custom liquor bottle lighting had been destroyed. Jace had been released from the hospital and was subsequently fired by Frank. I was grateful though to not have to ever see his face again.

Seth acted like he was fine with everything, even though his face had been cut up from the brawl. To make matters worse, Seth had to help pay for the damages, so he was now going to have to work at his new teaching job and still work on some of his father's accounts. According to Todd, Seth was being a
"total bitch"
about it. His words not mine. I chuckled as I tried to finish up unloading the box of glasses.

"What's so funny?" Frank's voice grumbled with irritation.

"This whole thing, if you think about it." I was just trying to be positive.

Franks lips turned down into a frown. The deep wrinkles from sun damage, smoking, and age gave his face such a hard look, but I knew better. Frank Nadine was a good man. He may have betrayed my father once, but I think love is such a crazy thing. It's like war and religion, people do senseless things to have it. Who was I to begrudge what he thought he needed? Besides, he's suffered enough from his choice. My mother treated him like crap, slept around, and then left him. He'd paid his dues.

"I don't think it's funny at all. Bills, Lil, bills. Plus, your studio time went down the drain, more bills, you see my meaning?" He sat brusquely on the bar stool, the black collared shirt he wore was faded, just like his spirit. I might not have known Frank well, but I could tell when a man had led a rough life. "This is the longest the bar has been closed, ever, and it pisses me off. For hell's sake, it's Saturday! I gotta pay for all new shelving —"

"I thought Todd's friend Sawyer was giving you a discount?" I asked confused.

"Well yeah, but can't a man just be pissed? Shit, Lily!" Frank stood quickly and with a small huff. "I'll be in my office. Let me know when Todd gets back, will ya?" Frank turned on his heels and stomped off to the back offices. My head was swimming with guilt. Of course Frank would be hurting. This place is all he had left. I felt foolish for my earlier laughter. I wished Todd were here, he'd have known what to do to make Frank feel better.

Instead, I was here alone for most of the day. Tiffany had the day off, and Todd was out picking up supplies for Sawyer. I hadn't met Sawyer, but Todd spoke so highly of him, and it was really cool he was putting off finishing a job today to install the new shelving. Apparently, he was going to work tomorrow, on a Sunday no less, to complete the project he was supposed to do today. I almost thought Sunday dinner over at Elizabeth's house was going to be canceled, but Todd reassured me Sawyer and Colby would get the job completed in time for dinner. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but part of me hoped it would have been canceled because meeting Elizabeth had me all sorts of anxious. Every time I thought of it, I could feel my stomach turn.

I cursed under my breath. I was being stupid. Elizabeth was married to this Sawyer guy, who, based on the way Todd and Seth talked about him, was apparently a walking God. According to Todd, Sawyer was this ex-Navy badass, who was not only really nice, but treated Liz like a queen, which was how she deserved to be treated. Again he spoke of her with that reverence that had me feeling insecure. My main fear was how I was ever going to live up to her, to Todd's expectations? I mean, if Liz deserved this superhero, what did that say about me? I shook my head and exhaled coarsely. I had to be okay with just me because
just me
was all I had to offer.

My hand pushed my curls back from my face as I bent over to grab the next box of pint glasses. I was struggling to lift it when the front door opened. I turned abruptly to see who it was and almost dropped the box. The weight of the heavy glasses inside shifted, throwing me off balance. My eyes locked with the most vibrant set of green eyes I'd ever seen.

"Holy shit, you got that, ma'am?" The man's voice was deep but had such a soothing quality to it. He walked with rapid grace across the bar, his tall broad frame moved, it seemed, with little effort.

It took me a moment to collect myself, but I was able to just about set the heavy box on the bar top. "I'm fine, really I–"

"Let me get that for you." The man grabbed the box with his large, powerful looking arms and eased the box to the counter. With a small, genuine smile he turned back in my direction. From the description Todd gave me, this had to be Sawyer.

"Sawyer?" I asked, my smile turning up on its own. He was ridiculously handsome — my earlier assessment of superhero could not have been more accurate. The dark red, long-sleeved Henley pulled tightly across his massive chest.

His smile widened and a small dimple popped. "Yeah." He held his hand out and I took it. "Nice to meet you…?" his voice dropped off in a question.

"Lily… sorry Lily… just Lily." What the hell was wrong with me? My smile felt awkward, and his smile widened. I hadn't missed the fact we were still absentmindedly shaking hands.

"Todd's girl? Well Lily, it's really nice to meet you." He squeezed my hand gently before releasing it.

Todd's girl? Todd told him about me? The stress I'd felt building in my shoulders earlier dissipated. I felt my lips pull into an involuntary smile. "Yeah, I'm Todd's girl. It's great to meet you, Sawyer. I've heard such good things."
I was Todd's girl.
Todd said it himself, he had moved on. I needed to trust that, trust him, and trust myself that I could make a good choice.

"Don't believe everything you hear." Sawyer laughed in earnest, and the earlier dimple deepened.

I smirked. "What? You can't leap tall buildings in a single bound? Move as fast as a speeding bullet?"

Sawyer's laugh reverberated in the room. "No, but my daughter… she's my Kryptonite."

That's right they had a daughter.

"Who… Sailor? That little girl is perfection, brother." Todd's voice radiated with his smile. I hadn't heard him come in. I watched as he walked across the bar and grinned. That sexy as sin man was mine, maybe just for the moment, but he was mine.
I was Todd's girl.
I kept saying it over and over in my head. I had never wanted to belong to anyone more.

T
HE EASY TONES OF
acoustic guitars filled Todd's truck as the hard spring downpour beat against the metal roof. I wondered when this damn weather would let up. Todd quietly hummed to the music. I recognized the song that was playing,
"Better than Love"
by Griffin House. We were on our way to Sawyer and Elizabeth's place, and the panic started building as we turned onto a farm road. The clean scent of rain clung in the air; taking a long breath, I inhaled the soothing smell.
I was going to be fine,
I told myself silently. I started to hum along with Todd. Music was always something that could calm my nerves. I wondered then if Todd had chosen this album as a way to soothe me. He was so much like me, speaking to people through music was sometimes the only way I could be true with my feelings.

Todd's lips pulled into a brilliant smile as we both harmonized with each other. Singing with him, our voices blending with precision, the sound was infinite. I wanted to be connected to this man for as long as possible in every way. Todd had me wanting to try again; I wanted to take all this guilt I'd been living with and pour it into notes — let it hang in the air, let the anger, fear, and sadness of death go into the wind, and let it be blown away for good. My heart was slowly opening again, and for once, I wanted it to.

The truck came to a stop. I hadn't noticed we were there already. The earlier feeling of fear was still there, but it had turned into more of a need for acceptance. I wanted to be with Todd… I needed his friends to like me, to take me in as theirs. Sawyer had been super sweet to me yesterday at Blue, so I had hoped today would go well with his better half.

Todd reached across the stick shift and pushed a loose curl behind my ear. "You look so scared right now." The tone of his voice was filled with humor.

"I feel like I could puke at any minute… seriously." I took his hand in mine and toyed nervously with his fingers.

His deep laugh made me smile. "Shit, babe, don't puke in here. I'll never get the smell out." Todd's face almost looked serious.

"You're an ass." I instantly dropped his hand and punched him in the shoulder, which served to only make him laugh harder.

"I'm kidding, I'm only kidding." He spoke through his amusement. I was trying to pretend not to think this was funny, but seeing Todd so open and carefree, it was pulling on my heartstrings.

"Your laugh… it's extremely attractive. I really love it."

Todd's chocolate eyes found mine, and his smile was soft. "You think so, huh?" He pulled his thumb across my bottom lip as I nodded. The heat from his hand seeped into my skin as he wrapped his palm around the back of my neck. The electric charge that consumed the air whenever we were together picked up its pulse, and I felt him in every pore, in every part of who I was. I unconsciously leaned forward and brought my lips to his mouth, pulling my teeth across his full bottom lip. A slow growl escaped his hungry lips, his hand was firm as he gripped the back of my head, pulling me closer, his fingers tangled in my curls. The outside world didn't exist to me when we were like this, tasting, pulling, and pushing each other to the brink. "Fuck, you drive me crazy." Todd's voice was rough as he spoke against my lips. He lightly nipped my top lip and then kissed me softly once, twice, and one last slow time before he whispered, "I need to stop, or we'll never make it inside."