Still Water (32 page)

"I want to leave tomorrow. I'm going to pack up everything today, go and talk to Frank, then head out early in the morning. It's a long drive back." I wasn't looking forward to three days alone on the road.

"You should have Holden look over your car today when he gets home from work."

Eve was always putting so much on his plate. "I don't need your husband to check out my car, Eve. He's got enough to do around here. It's fine really."

"Okay, well, will you have dinner with us tonight? I'm going to miss you. Even though we fight, it's been—"

"Nice. It's been really nice." My sister's lips pulled into a shaky grin, her eyes glassy from suppressed tears. "Do me a favor, don't be so hard on your dad. Frank's a good guy. You should give him a chance like you did for Pam. Trust me, he deserves that."

"I will, Lily, it's been great having you here, and I'm so glad we're all starting to mend everything. It's been too long. It's time to start forgiving." She dabbed at her eyes. "Oh dear, look, I'm going to mess up my make-up. Oh, and you should probably get dressed." She laughed. "See you in a minute?"

"I'll be up in a few."

The snap of the door brought me back to reality. I went through the motions of getting ready for the day, spreading my lotion on my skin, dressing in jeans and my old green Sunny Day Real Estate T-shirt, mascara, gloss… It was all very mechanical. The sack of laundry I had from the past week at Todd's needed to be washed before I left. I grabbed the bag of clothes and headed to the laundry room. The mundane tasks were enough to keep me sane; I just needed to make it to the end of the day and then tomorrow I would rinse, wash, repeat, and, hopefully one day, I wouldn't feel so alone, I wouldn't see his face, I wouldn't need his touch.

I dumped the bag of laundry into the washer when something caught my eye. "It couldn't be?" I whispered. My fingers curled around the familiar worn fabric of Todd's favorite band T-shirt. I brought the soft, navy blue cloth to my nose and inhaled. The rich cedar smell and everything that was Todd filled my lungs. The stone in my throat ached as I tried to quell the devastating sadness that flooded my veins. The torture was acute as I pulled my shirt off and replaced it with his. This was the only way I could feel him now… this was all I had left.

T
HE SOFT FABRIC OF
Todd's shirt offered little comfort as I pulled up to the Blue Bar. The silver 4Runner I was used to seeing every day wasn't here yet, and I offered a small thank you to whoever was watching out for Todd today. I was sure seeing me was the last thing he needed. It wasn't easy breaking someone, seeing them dissolve before your eyes, watching the one person you were finally letting yourself love be split open by your own hand. But he needed to be a father, and I wasn't going to sit by and watch him fumble around me. He needed to focus on himself and Molly. At least that's what I kept telling myself; it was the only way I'd get on that highway tomorrow.

Tiffany and Frank's cars were here, and, just for the moment, I allowed myself to smile. It would be nice to say goodbye to Tiff. I hadn't really gotten a chance to know her. My time was always spent with Todd in the short time I was here, but she was the first female I'd ever really gotten along with well enough to actually have some sort of friendship. The discomfort in my chest was sharp; she'd probably hate what I was doing, but I was doing what was right, she'd figure it out. The back door of the bar creaked as I pushed it open. Walking into the dark hall, smelling the greasy pine, mixed with cigarette smell that had become familiar, was bittersweet. This was the last time I'd be here, the last time I'd get to remember how it felt to sing on that small stage, and the last time I'd have to remember how beautiful
he
looked upon it.

Frank's office door was open and the sound system was playing quietly. Tiff's office was dark, so I assumed she was up front. Frank looked up from his paperwork and grimaced. "Come to break my heart too, sweetheart?" The leather texture of his skin created deep circles under his eyes.

"What's that supposed to mean?" The significance of his words was clear to me; I just couldn't allow myself to admit out loud.

"Todd called in sick. He's never, not once in three damn years, called in sick, and I guess you're giving me your final notice. When are you leaving, Lily?" Frank stood abruptly from his chair and moved with a hurried stride to me.

I stepped back automatically. "In the morning."

He reached out and placed his hand on my shoulder. "You just got here. You and Todd, I thought… that kid cares about you more than you think." I hadn't deluded myself into thinking Todd didn't care about me, but I was cutting him loose before he was too far in to find his way back out. "Once you start running away from the people you love, Lil, it's a dark road… believe me."

"I'm not running." I pulled away from his touch; his advice wasn't needed, and of all people, I was aware what running could do. Pam was the runner, not me.

"You're running, doll." He held his hand up to stop me from arguing. "But, you do what you gotta do for you. Todd's a strong man. Looks like he's got more to worry about now than lady problems." He shook his head. "Tiff's got your final check. After Todd told me what went down, I knew it was a matter of time before you strolled through my office door." Frank sighed and watched me with tired eyes. "Where're you staying?"

"Gabe's going to let me stay with him until I get on my feet." I was grateful that my father's old friend was willing to take me in. Gabe had been like a second father to me, so I wasn't surprised, but that didn't make me any less thankful.

"Well, take care at your fancy school, hon." Frank's smile was broad, the crow's feet by his eyes pulled tightly. He drew me into a bear hug, and the feeling I was trying so desperately to hold in almost burst through the cement wall I'd built around my heart.
Almost.

"Thanks, I'm going to go say bye to Tiffany. Take care, Frank. Thanks for everything." My words felt heavy as I pulled away from his arms, they were like weights trying to keep me in place, but I was strong enough to keep moving past them, to continue ahead.

The reality of my choice to leave grew as I walked into the main portion of the bar, walked away from what was now my past. The bright sunlight from the huge front windows spilled through the room, making it look even dingier. Tiffany was setting up the till in the register when she looked up at me and smiled. "You leaving, lady?" Her bright red lips spread in a brilliant smile. Tiffany's straight black hair was pulled up into a high ponytail exposing her neck tattoos.

"You heard." A small laugh escaped my lips. "Word travels fast."

"Well, Frank has a giant mouth." She reached under the counter and pulled out an envelope. "Here's your check."

The white envelope was stiff in my hand. "Thanks."

"Well, I'm shit at goodbyes, so… see you around." She shoved my shoulder, and I grinned.

"See you around." My smile fell. "Take care of him, will you?" The briny liquid gathered along my bottom eyelid. I internally scolded myself for letting my wall have a chink in its armor.

"Lily… don't do this. Stay. I've never seen him this happy, never. Todd is such a brat, but I love that guy like a brother, and I'm thinking you're pretty sweet on the guy, too, since you're wearing his shirt." Her words were like a punch in the gut. I looked down at the shirt, the faded band name almost no longer legible, as the wetness dropped from my cheeks darkening the navy to black. "I'm trying really hard to put myself in your shoes… I get it… trust me… no one wants to play second fiddle to another woman. That concept is something I struggle with on the daily, my friend, but you're
his
woman, not her."

"It's not about that. It's about him and his daughter." The dam was starting to break. I clumsily wiped away my tears.

"I'm sorry, this isn't my place. I'm not going to lie, though. When I have to pick up the pieces around here because he's so messed up over you, I may fly down to Florida and kick your ass." She gave me a wicked grin.

A stuttered laugh echoed in my chest. "I look forward to it." I shoved her back in the shoulder. "Take care of him?"

She nodded.

Saying goodbye to Blue Bar was harder than I thought. Again, the feeling of being tethered, that binding force that kept trying to pull me back, surfaced. I was able to keep the tears away as I drove back to my sister's house, but I wasn't prepared to see Pam's car in the driveway when I pulled up. This day couldn't get any more dramatic if it tried. I suddenly wished I hadn't thought those words and tempt the fates to utterly annihilate me. If I were religious, I'd cross myself or something. The front door swung open, and Pam walked down the front steps just as I stepped out of my car.

"Fuck my life," I mumbled under my breath. Surprisingly enough, the anger I'd thought I feel at seeing her wasn't there. This past twenty-four hours had made me numb, and I was appreciative for that one small thing.

Pam's bright copper curls were wild today and wreaked havoc in the breeze. "Pam." I bowed my head briefly in her direction.

"Lily, wait." She gently grabbed my wrist as I tried to walk past her. My fight was gone, and my indifference wavered. I wasn't a runner.

"What? Today is not the—"

"I know, Eve told me." Pam's voice was not as brash as it was the other day, and in the sunlight you could see how the world had eaten her up and spit her out. The tone of her skin was a blotchy mix of freckles and age spots. She appeared so much older than she really was, and the fact that the lids of her eyes drooped, didn't help.

"I wanted to say sorry for how I was the other day. I'm not perfect, Lily, and I'm a piece of shit, if you want to know the truth. And I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm just fucked up, plain and simple." Her chin dipped down, and she fidgeted with the hem of her shirt. "There's no real mystery to it." Her confession took me for a loop. She was admitting she had failed me? "I made so many wrong decisions, Lily. Trust me when I say they were decisions I'd never be able to come back from. So I fell deeper and ran further. I evade, that's how I survive."

"So what am I supposed to do with all this? Say it's okay, grant you forgiveness?" Because I wasn't doling out clemency today.

"No Lily, I'm actually trying to give you advice. I've never treated you like a daughter, and I don't plan on trying to be
mommy of the year
, but I can do one thing for you."

"Oh yeah, what's that?" My smile was smug.

"I can stop you from turning into me."

My intake of breath seared as it whistled down my throat.

"Lily, Frank had always been my choice. But I felt bad because I hooked up with your father first. I sacrificed my feelings for others, and it made me a bitter bitch." She released my wrist. I had forgotten she was even holding it any longer.

"That makes no sense. You got Frank and Eve in the end." My brow furrowed in confusion.

"I was so angry all the time — the resentment had taken over, and I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel any more. Once I had what I wanted, it was twisted and wrong. I abandoned you, and I broke Danny. I was destruction. No matter what choice I'd made, I ruined something or someone. Can't you see that?" Tears started to trickle from her eyes.

"No matter what I chose, someone got hurt, so I left. I lived my life the best way I could, but all that hurt, Lily, it never leaves, and I can't help but think you're about to pull the keystone. You're about to make a choice that will set you up for the rest of your life, and I'm not sure it's for the better. You have feelings for that boy? Then stick around. Everything will work its way out. But if you leave… Well, you're looking at your life, honey."

I didn't want to believe her; she didn't know the whole story. She didn't know about Emma and Molly. "Thank you for your advice, but I'm not leaving because of him. I'm leaving to go to school like my father would have wanted."

"What do
you
want, Lily?" She thumbed away the liquid from under her eyes.

"I want to pack my shit, get in my car, go to school, and make something of myself. I'm not you, Pam, I'm not."

"I know, honey, that's my point." She smiled. "I'm just trying to help instead of hinder for once."

She was trying, I had to give her that much. "Thank you." The words were genuine, not a snarky comeback. "I'm doing the right thing, you don't need to worry, but the fact that you were… worried… gives me a little hope for you." I smiled, but it didn't completely reach my eyes.

She laughed. "There's no hope for me. But there is for you. Drive safely, that's a long drive." There was no goodbye hug, no sad parting tears… that wasn't our way, but I felt a small bit of resolution in watching her walk away. This time she wasn't running from me, she was trying to get me to stay.

CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

Todd

S
EVEN DAYS.
I
T HAD BEEN SEVEN,
fucking days since Lily cut me open. Seven days since she left me to hemorrhage, and I still could hardly breathe. So many times I wanted to text her, tell her to stay, tell her she could go to school here, tell her we could figure this out, but she said she didn't want me, and I had to find a way to deal with that. Emma had texted me earlier and invited me to dinner at her place. The thought of seeing Molly was the only piece of happiness I could find in this mess. The sun had just set and my room was pitch black, not even the moonlight seeped through my closed blinds. The wounds on my hands had already started to heal, it was time to get my ass out of this house. I sat up when my bedroom door whipped open.