Stop Running from Love: Three Steps to Overcoming Emotional Distancing and Fear of Intimacy (13 page)

It took some time for Sally to become aware of how little attention she had received as a child. She had to look back at how quickly she had been forced into the role of the oldest child, the one who was expected to be endlessly competent, who was supposed to look out for the younger kids, and to be emotionally available for her siblings whenever her mother came down with another of her many physical illnesses.

Child Abuse

In today’s society, we are exposed to what feels like an epidemic of child abuse. We now know that not only little girls but also little boys are frequently sexually abused. We have always known that both boys and girls are physically abused too often by their parents and other primary caregivers. Verbal abuse, that is, constant criticism or shaming, is another pervasive form of child abuse. Finally, we are becoming more aware of the impact that witnessing physical abuse and violence has on children. All over the world children are routinely traumatized by the violence that they see all around them.

Experiencing any form of abuse can create a broad spectrum of responses in the adult. Survivors of violence and abuse can grow up to be relatively okay adults. Survival depends on how the child perceives his or her role in the abusive relationship, how secretive the child is forced to be, how young the child is, and most of all, the level of protection and support the child experiences in the aftermath of abuse.

As you read this last group of stories, you may find that you are especially disturbed by them, especially if you are a survivor of abuse yourself. Remember to take breaks from reading or thinking about this if you need to. Make use of the breathing and other relaxation skills you learned in chapter 2.

Yvonne’s Story

Yvonne had been sexually abused by her older brother for many years. They never spoke about the abuse; not during the years it was going on and never in the many years that followed. Yvonne did make an early attempt to disclose what was going on when the abuse first began, choosing her father as her confidant. But he became enraged with her, denying that his adored only son could possibly do such a thing.

Yvonne’s mother had left the family when Yvonne was eight, abandoning her children and her husband. After her mother left, Yvonne’s father and brother became strong allies. Her father came to depend more and more on his son while he raged and grieved the sudden departure of his wife. Yvonne was harmed both by the traumatic loss of her mother and the sexual demands of her brother. She felt helpless and confused, especially by her father’s denial and rage when she tried to get his help. He made her feel that she herself was dirty and disgusting, and that a girl her age must be “twisted” to come up with such a story.

It is certainly not surprising that when Yvonne began her relationship with her boyfriend, she dreaded being sexual with him and stayed as distant from him as possible by not telling him anything about what was going on for her.

Rick’s Story

Rick was sexually abused by his parish priest off and on when he was an altar boy. He guessed the abuse was also happening to other boys in the parish, but he thought he was the only one to sometimes enjoy the physical aspects of the experience. However, he was ashamed, even horrified, by the sexual pleasure he experienced, and when he became a teenager, he worked hard at becoming a strong, powerful football star, and when he joined the military, he became one tough soldier.

It wasn’t until he was an adult with a wife and children that the scandals about the clergy’s sexual abuse of children began to surface all around him. Still, he told no one, keeping his secret with the same crippling shame he had felt as a young boy. In his marriage, his overcompensating, controlling style was rooted in his experience of being sexually used by an adult male who was supposed to represent safety and goodness.

Family Violence

Family violence, much like child neglect, often receives little attention when the adult brings life problems into the therapy office. Yet many people, especially those with chronic relationship issues, were deeply affected by family violence when they were growing up. Physical and emotional abuse is committed by fathers and mothers and by older siblings. Such abuse creates lasting traumatic emotional scars, especially when it is severe, chronic, and/or sadistic.

The victim of family violence may develop patterns in his or her adult relationships that mirror the behavior of the original abuser or reproduce the child’s fearfulness and compliance. Adult survivors of family violence may use a threatening, aggressive style to maintain distance when they are in a couple relationship, or else they may distance by seeming to accommodate their partner’s wishes and needs (while actually absent at the deeper levels of emotional connection).

Jack’s Story

Jack (Diane’s on-again off-again partner) was the kind of distancer who always seemed to be dancing a relational tango: dancing toward his beloved and then reversing his direction to move backwards halfway through the dance. As long as he remained in this relational tango, he never got close enough to emotionally embrace his partner and to create a meaningful union.

His distancing behavior was rooted in his childhood experience of being physically abused by his violence-prone father. He was also scarred by the amount of violence he witnessed. Both as the victim of his father’s battering and the witness to many other acts of violence in his family, it was not surprising that Jack was in denial about his adult relational reenactments of his childhood with rejecting partners. Not only did he replay the victim role from his abused childhood, but he himself was a well-disguised distancer. On the surface, he looked like the good guy who really wanted to be with his rejecting partner, but, in fact, his hidden distancing only proved the point that “it takes two to tango”!

Finding the Right Fit

After you’ve read about these various root causes of adult distancing, it’s possible that the roots of your own distancing don’t seem to fit into any of the categories just covered. No one size fits all, so, not finding yourself described in any of the categories discussed above is a valid response. We are all experts on our own stories.

To shed some light on the roots of your own distancing, you might find it useful to ask a few others you know, that is, people who seem to you to be distancers, whether they had some of the same or similar experiences in their childhoods that you’ve identified in yours. There is no reason to try to squeeze yourself into a category that isn’t right for you. We are all individuals with our own unique paths from childhood to where we are now. As you work on remembering the roots of your distancing, the situations described above will most likely touch on your own and be helpful to you, even if they don’t precisely match your own situation.

You may not realize it, but you may have already started working hard on Step Two. While you were reading about other distancers and reviewing their various childhood experiences, you probably began the work of remembering your own childhood experiences. If you’ve done that, you’ve probably begun to make connections with those stories and experiences that are most like yours. This is similar to the work on awareness and self-identification that you did in Step One when you were locating yourself among the various styles of distancing.

Getting Started

You’re going to continue to use your tools of awareness and self-analysis. Also, you’re going to experience some turbulence, so we will continue developing tools to help you manage any disturbing feelings that arise. You will be able to use your past to strengthen, not to debilitate, yourself.

Now, here’s a checklist to use to remind yourself of the most common childhood influences in the relationship patterns of adult distancers:

• Growing up with unhappily married parents as your role model. They may have been parents who were embroiled in frequent, unresolved conflicts; parents who were extremely disconnected from each other; or parents who were injured by betrayals or constant put-downs or contemptuous attitudes from their spouses.
  
• Growing up with impaired parents, that is, parents who were unable to provide basic affection, attention, and caregiving because of substance abuse or other addictions; or because of emotional and psychological problems such as depression or narcissism; or because of chronic physical illness; or because they were struggling with the realities of poverty, immaturity, or single-parent overload.
  
• Being impacted by traumatic losses, for example, the death or disappearance of one parent; the loss of home, community, or extended family due to political upheaval, natural disaster, or job loss; or the sudden loss of parental attention when a new child enters the family or when parents find a new partner.
  
• Being impacted by neglect, for example, not being provided with basic adult attention or affection, or material necessities; or being emotionally neglected.
  
• Being impacted by family violence, for example, being battered or witnessing other family members being physically abused; being psychologically battered through being yelled at, blamed, constantly criticized, or treated with contempt.
  
• Being sexually abused, for example, being sexually molested by a parent or other adult caregiver, or an older sibling, or a trusted person in the community; or witnessing the sexual abuse of other children.
  

It’s Not All Bad News

There really is no point in going back to relive painful memories unless you can work with your past to build a better present. We don’t always get that message. There are still many talk shows, reality shows, books, and feature articles that shine the spotlight on someone’s suffering as though suffering is a form of entertainment. Note that, as you begin to compare your story with the stories of other distancers, it’s important to understand that your painful experiences may have had a negative impact but, most likely, they also created some of your strengths and special gifts.

Here are a few positive aspects to remembering difficult childhood experiences:

• When you don’t get everything you need, the deprivation can help you become very resourceful. You learn some great survival skills, like not passively waiting for someone else to provide for you.
  
• When you are pushed into a place where you have to keep yourself alert to avoid being hurt, you often develop excellent observation skills and survival instincts. You tend to see what’s going on around you faster than those who grew up protected by the adults in their lives.
  
• If you witnessed a lot of dysfunctional behavior, it may have helped you learn how to avoid potentially harmful situations and people.
  
• If you grew up with abusive or impaired parents, it may have strengthened your determination to be healthier in your own adult life.
  
• If you grew up having to take care of your parents, you may have some very valuable skills as a listener, caretaker, provider, and counselor. (It’s hard to find a dedicated mental health provider who grew up in a healthy family!)
  
• If you felt unsafe with people as a child, you may have developed a very special relationship with nature, animals, books, art, music, sports, and so forth. Childhood suffering created many people whose self-reliance resulted in extraordinary achievements. It also created many people who are content engaging in solitary activities like reading, exploring outdoors, being an artist, or doing scientific research.
  

You may have many more strengths you are not aware of because of having been less fortunate than other children in how you were nurtured and raised. Keep in mind that within our vulnerabilities lie the seeds of our greatest strengths.

Step Two can be emotionally charged, so make sure that you do the following exercises at a time when you can bring yourself back to the present moment and keep living the rest of your daily life. Although there’s some truth to the slogan “no pain, no gain,” you don’t need to retraumatize yourself to do this work. Choose a time of day when you can talk to someone, or go for a walk, or watch a movie, or do anything else that would be soothing if doing the exercises stirs up too much intensity. Going back in time is difficult work when you’re looking at painful experiences. Proceed at a safe pace and use your favorite self-soothing practices to protect yourself. Keep in mind that you are no longer a child, and you have choices that you didn’t have back then.

Exercise

Practicing Detachment

This is a warm-up exercise designed to help you remind yourself that you can take charge of your memories. You can use them to help you create better relational experience in the present, but you don’t have to allow them to stir up needless suffering.

First, take a few minutes to relax your body and your mind. Begin to think about something that makes you happy. This could be something as uneventful as putting your feet up and watching a favorite TV show, or going for a walk with your dog, or making vegetable soup. Take the time to visualize all the details of this happy picture. For example, if your happy image is taking a walk with your dog, notice how the air feels. Is it warm or cool? What do you see, hear, and smell? What do you notice that tells you the dog is having a good time too? How does your body feel? Are you smiling? Humming a tune? Talking to your dog?

Second, after you’ve visualized the happy scene for a few minutes, shift your attention to something in the past week that bothered you. It could be something that happened at work, or something a friend told you, or something at home that annoyed or disappointed you. It could be something you read or saw on the news that upset you.

Then do the same kind of review of the details surrounding this event that you did in the first part of this exercise. Picture your surroundings when you got upset. What kinds of details can you remember? Where were you standing or sitting, what else was going on, who else was present? Also, try to remember if you can how your body felt when you became upset. Were you likely to have experienced discomfort in your shoulders, your gut, your head? Do you remember if your skin got warm? Did your breathing change?