Stranded On Christmas (21 page)

I
grinned to myself. He was so completely convinced that his way was
the only right way. He took hold of my hand and sent his little
sister off to bed.

She
rolled her eyes and went.

“
I'm
sorry about her. My parents sent her here, so I could straighten her
out. She is very strong willed.”

“
I'm
not worried about her. I'm sure she will turn out just fine.”

He
looked down at me, blushing. “I noticed that you unpacked your
things in my room.”

“
Our
room,” I corrected him.

“
Does
that mean what I think?”

“
I
can't guess what you’re thinking, but it is bedtime. Let's go up to
our bed, Gideon.”

Gideon

She
led me up to our room. I was grinning. “I can't believe that you’re
really here.”

“
I
took care of everything else. Now, I can concentrate on you.” That
was exactly what I wanted to hear.

“
Are
you going to stay for good?” I asked her.

She
looked pained at that question. I feared that she would leave me
again. “I'll stay with you as long as the good lord lets me.”

I
sighed relieved. Jessie was home for good.

Once
we in our bedroom, she once again asked if it were okay that she was
here.

“
Jessie,”
I slipped my fingers into her hair and caressed her scalp. “Every
day I dreamt about you showing up like this. All day I’ve been
pinching myself to make sure this isn't a dream.”

“
I'm
really here.” She looked like she was going to cry.

I
wanted to ask her what had made her change her mind, but it didn't
matter. What mattered was that she was here, at home, where she
belonged.

I
leaned down to her and kissed her gently.

“
I'll
admit I’m a little nervous. I haven't made love in a long time,
since before Aaron was born.” A tear ran down her face when she
said his name.

I
had been wrong. She wasn't feeling better. Jessie had still needed
me, and I had let her go. I pulled her close to my body and wrapped
her in my arms. “You're home, now. Everything is going to be all
right. We'll go visit Aaron tomorrow.”

“
Okay.”
She bit her lip and nodded. It was clear to see that she had missed
him. “Thank you for not being mad.”

“
How
could I be mad at you for coming home?”

“
I
assumed that you would be mad at me for leaving.”

“
You
left me a letter.” It was in the drawer of my nightstand. I often
read it before I went to bed, practically every night. She said that
she couldn't bear to live in the house that took our baby. “If you
want, I'll burn down this house and rebuild.”

“
You
would do that for me?”

“
I
would do anything for you.”

“
You
don't have to burn down your house.”

“
Our
house,” I corrected her.

“
You’re
being too good to me. Especially, because his death was entirely my
fault.” She believed what she was saying. She was blaming herself,
and she shouldn’t.

“
It
wasn't your fault. I should have carried you up, like I did every
other day.”

“
I
told you that you didn't have to. It was my fault.”

“
I
knew that you were weak. I should have insisted.”

“
I
could have stayed sitting on the sofa. I’m so sorry.”

“
Baby,
it happened. We can't turn back the hands of time. We have to learn
to live without and go on. Maybe if we give him a little brother or a
sister, we can heal.”

The
look on her face when I said that: it was pure panic. “What if we
can't?”

Giving
birth to Aaron had caused her terrible pain. She was most likely
scared to have another child.

“
I
wouldn't worry about that now. We will take things slowly.” I
hugged her again. She should know that I was there for her.

Jessie
was blushing red when I looked down in her face. “I didn't want to
go that slowly.”

Her
meaning was clear. My wife needed me. I would be a liar if I said I
hadn't yearned for her too.

She
was gazing up at me and waiting for me to make the first move. My
brave little city girl knew how to take care of herself, but she
couldn't initiate sex.

I
started to unbutton my shirt. Very shyly she copied me, unbuttoning
her dress. She was blushing red.

I
removed my shirt, and then I covered her hands. “We don't have to.
We could just sleep with each other. I've missed you so much.”

“
I
missed you too,” she confessed.

I
turned away, so she could undress in private. I heard her moving
around behind my back and getting into bed.

“
You
can join me now,” she whispered.

I
turned around and got into bed beside her. She rolled to her side and
I wrapped my arm around her.

I
never had to sleep alone again. That was the most important thing.

I
gave her a kiss on her cheek and shut my eyes.

We
had the rest of our lives to make love. It didn’t need to be right
now.

Jessie

It
was getting harder and harder to hide the truth from him. He worried
about my headaches. He wanted me to go see the doctor. I kept saying
no and tried to calm his fears, but the headaches were occurring
daily.

I
feared that I couldn’t hide it anymore. We had three beautiful
months together, but now it was time to leave him. He shouldn't have
to have the burden of caring for me again. I didn't want that.

I
sat down and started a letter. My eyes filled with tears as I began
to write. I finally told him the truth, confessing that I had wished
to spend my last days with him.

I
thanked him for being my husband and told him that he needed to go on
with life. I made it sound like it was my last wish that he remarry
and have children.

People
are more apt to listen to someone who was dead than someone who was
alive. The state of no longer existing gave people an aura of wisdom
and knowing what they were talking about.

I
told him about my money and asked him to take care of Pumpkin for me.

I
took my medicine, which I kept hidden in the back of my underwear
drawer and went down to help make lunch. I was thankful that I got to
celebrate one last Christmas with Gideon. It had been so special.

Our
second wedding had been very special too. I had so many wonderful
memories to keep me company until it was my time to join Aaron in
heaven.

Megan
was fighting with the stove.

I
poked at the wood until it had just the right temperature.

“
I
really wish you would talk him into buying a real stove. We didn't
grow up like this. It's typical of Gideon to take everything to the
extreme.”

“
Nothing
tastes better than food cooked over a real fire.” I tried to stay
out of their sibling fights. Megan threatened to pack her things and
leave every day. She never did.

In
fact, she was smitten with a young man in the community. He had eaten
his Sunday dinner at my table a few times already, which meant that
they were serious.

“
I'm
going to have a real stove and oven when I have a place of my own.”

“
Of
course you will,” I told her. “But first you’re going to finish
school. After that, we will see what you want to do with your life.”
The stove had just the right temperature, so I got down the pot I
wanted and started to cook, for what I guessed would be the last time
in my life.

I
used to hate all this, but now the simple tasks had such a pleasure
in them.

“
Why
are you always so calm,” Megan huffed.

“
I
don't know. I'm simply living each day and appreciating the fact that
I can do so.”

“
You
and my brother really are a perfect match. I never thought that he
would find someone.”

“
I
know you didn't mean that as a compliment, but I’ll take it as one.
Will you set the table please?” I wanted to cook this meal all by
myself.

Megan
was huffing again. It was so hard to be a teenager. I remembered
giving my aunt and uncle a hard time too. I was unhappy with myself,
and I let that out on them.

I
kept my smile on my face throughout the meal.

Megan
needed some things for school. Things like that cost money. Gideon
made a face that told me that things were tight again. I was glad
that I could help out. He wouldn't take my money now, but afterwards
he would have to.

I
beamed at Gideon, the most important person in my world. I was glad
that today was Sunday. We had stopped by Aaron’s grave and talked
to him. Without saying the words aloud I told him that I would be
joining him soon. I was looking forward to talking to him and getting
to know him.

When
it was finally time for bed, I made love to my husband without
holding back. I wasn't shy, and I wasn't scared. I touched him and
told him how wonderful I thought he was.

My
words spurred him on, and we made love off and on for a couple of
hours. We talked to each other and I told him how glad I was to be
married to him.

He
told me he was the lucky one, especially now that I could cook. I
loved that he wanted to tease me. It meant that we were comfortable
with each other.

The
next day, I left to go shopping right after Megan left for school.
Gideon wasn't worried about me taking off on him anymore. I felt so
bad for lying to him, but I didn't want him to have to watch me die.
I knew that the pain was going to be awful.

Besides,
Gideon had told me that watching me with the pain of giving birth had
been the worst experience of his life. I didn't want to do that to
him again.

Once
I was in town, I got onto the bus, which went to the next bigger
city. Lots of townswomen went there to buy the things that they
needed, which we couldn't get in our small town.

Instead
of getting out at the shopping center, I let the bus bring me to its
bus station. They had lockers there. I got the key to one out of my
purse and got out my suitcases. I had stopped by here before I went
home.

Had
that only been a couple of months ago? I had hoped for more time.

I
bought a ticket back to Chicago and went home.

Gideon

I
went in for lunch and saw that Jessie wasn't back yet. I made myself
a huge sandwich and enjoyed it at the table all by myself.

Megan
was pushing my buttons lately. I felt that she was worse now that
Jessie was here. Megan tried to recruit Jessie to her side, but
Jessie now had the inner-peace of a Buddhist monk. She would smile
and not take sides.

I
talked to Jessie about that, telling her if we were united against
Megan, she wouldn't try so much crap.

Jessie
informed me that we weren't at war with Megan and said that it was
hard to be a teenager. I told her that it was hard to be a big
brother too.

Jessie
was going to be a great mother. She was so calm about everything. I
was guessing that she was already expecting. She had constant
headaches and sometimes she was sick. The signs were all there.

I
went out to do more work and fill in my charts. The cows were happy
and giving a lot of milk. I felt that we could afford to have a child
now. I'd talk to Jessie about that again. Maybe she would confess
that she was already pregnant.

After
the amazing sex we had last night, I hoped that Jessie was. Sex like
that should be rewarded with a child.

Megan
came out to the barn to ask about Jessie. My first thought was that
she had run off again. But then I looked down at my feet and saw
Pumpkin. Jessie wouldn't leave without him. “Maybe she had another
one of her headaches. She might be laying down in bed.”

We
went into the house and up to the stairs. Jessie wasn't there, but an
envelope with my name was on the bed.

I
lifted it up and held it in my hand. It was heavy. The letter had a
bit of weight to it. It must be several pages long.

I
sat down and pulled out the letter. I wasn't ready to read it, but it
was four pages long.

“Megan,
I'd like to be alone for a moment.”

She
left me alone, and I fought with myself, telling myself that it could
be about any number of things. Just because my wife wasn't home, and
there was a letter on the bed, didn't mean that she didn't love me
anymore.