Stuff White People Like (11 page)

All of these stores are pretty much the same: lots of vegetables, grainfed free-range meat and eggs, and soy everything. They are also characterized by an outrageously large section of vitamins, supplements, and natural oils. There are natural, handmade soaps that give these stores a distinct identical smell.

Many white people consider shopping at Whole Foods to be a religious experience, one that allows them to feel good about their consumption, with the use of paper bags and biodegradable packaging. The numerous pamphlets outlining the company’s policy on hormones, genetically modified food, and energy savings belie the fact that Whole Foods is a profit-driven, publicly traded corporation that has wisely discovered that making white people feel good about buying stuff is outrageously profitable.

As you walk through a Whole Foods or co-op you will see white people pushing carts, buying things like flaxseed oil, wine, tofu versions of meat, and organic kohlrabi. These stores also provide prepared foods, which single white people often purchase to avoid cooking. This is important information, as this section of the store is loaded with single white people.

These stores are excellent places for taking children, as there is nothing that they actually want.

“Oh, Mommy, look, chocolate!”

“No, Joshua, that’s carob.”

“I want it.”

“OK.”

The child will then take a bite and realize that nothing in the store can be trusted.

49 Vintage

The love affair between white people and old stuff goes back literally hundreds of years. In the older days it was almost exclusively contained within the realm of furniture. However, while white people still love antiques, these don’t always fit so well with a modern lifestyle and kitchen.

Beginning in their late teens, white people begin an obsession with finding cool vintage clothing at local thrift shops and Goodwill stores. Making purchases at these locations helps to meet a number of white-person needs.

First, it allows them to say, “Oh, this? I got this shirt at Goodwill for three dollars.” This statement focuses the attention on the shirt, taking attention away from the $350 jeans and $200 shoes. The white person can then retain that precious “indie” cred.

Second, it allows a white person to have something that other white people don’t. This is an important consideration when trying to determine the worth and ranking of white people.

As white people get older, and the opportunities to wear a “Pittsburgh Special Olympics ’76” T-shirt diminish, they must move their vintage fetish from clothes to furniture and knickknacks. Often the only thing that a post-30 white person can hang on to is furniture. The mention of a “vintage stove” or “vintage card catalog” can send their imagination racing about how to incorporate it into their current home decor. By having at least one unique vintage piece of furniture in a room full of IKEA, white people can still tell themselves that they are unique and cooler than their friends.

When you enter a white person’s home, you should immediately search for anything not made by IKEA, Crate & Barrel, or Anthropologie. Upon finding such an item, you should ask, “Where did you get that? It’s really cool.” The white person will then tell you a story about how they acquired it, allowing them to feel cool and reminding them that they have fantastic taste.

50 Irony

White people hate a lot of stuff (Republicans, TV, Vin Diesel movies, SUVs, fast food), but every once in a while they turn that hate into sweet irony.

White people will often make a joke about how hard it is to define irony. It’s not that funny, and back in the ’90s people got all upset at Alanis Morissette for using the term improperly in her song “Isn’t It Ironic?” But the reason that white people love irony is that it lets them have some fun and feel better about themselves.

The most horrific recent example is trucker hats, which shockingly went from mainstream in the ’80s to ironic in the early 2000s and then almost immediately back to mainstream. So now the hats are not rare or unique in any way. Once something reaches this stage, irony cannot be restored for a decade.

Other examples would include white people getting together to have a “white trash” night, where they will eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, drink Bud Light, and watch Larry the Cable Guy or
The Marine,
or maybe listen to Kid Rock or P.O.D. These events allow white people to experience things they are supposed to hate, all while feeling better about their own lives, decisions, and cultured tastes.

Occasionally, white people will put an ironic knickknack in their home or apartment such as a “Support Our Troops” magnet or a bottle of Mickey’s.

This can be used to your advantage. If you need to appear cool to white people, you just need to pick something that was popular ten-plus years ago and put it in a prominent place at your desk or in your home. A C+C Music Factory cassette and a “2 Legit 2 Quit” T-shirt would be good examples.

Also, you might find yourself in a conversation where you mention that you like something, and there is an awkward silence indicating that it is not cool. In this situation, you must say, “Oh yeah, I also like [insert similar things in such a way to show that you were kidding about that first thing]” and smile. The white people will laugh and all will be well.

51 Living by the Water

It is hardly a secret that all white people love being near water. And why wouldn’t they? It provides so many of the activities that they love—swimming, kayaking, canoeing, sailing—and it’s a perfect place to read.

Before we move on, let’s not gloss over that last point. White people love to be near a body of water so they can read a book while sitting nearby. The process of reading is somehow heightened through the process of doing it near water. Extreme reading!

When you think long-term, it’s important to realize that all white people own/wish to own/plan to own/will own some sort of property near a body of water. Rather than say all white people want to live on the ocean, it’s important to break it down across the regions.

On the West Coast, all white people want to live as close to the beach as possible. One look at the demographics for Manhattan Beach, Santa Monica, Hermosa Beach, Newport Beach, and Laguna Beach will reveal this fact through tangible numbers.

On the East Coast, many white people dream of owning oceanfront property in New England, where they can make their lives as close as possible to a J. Crew catalog.

And in the landlocked states, the dream of lakefront property is alive and well.

White people will often purchase second homes near water if they cannot accommodate the dream in their own city. Usually they want it to be within driving distance, but the need for life near water is so great that they will even consider buying in other countries.

To white people, a view of water from the house is their greatest achievement in life. And you should remember this when discussing your hopes and dreams with them. It is also important that you choose a water sport (swimming, fishing, kayaking, etc.) that you pretend to like. That way, you can talk about how, when you move to your water-front property, you can just wake up in the morning and [insert water-based activity], right out of your front door.

Mountain views are also acceptable, but are generally seen as a poor substitute.

52 Sarah Silverman

White people love to laugh, so it’s no surprise that some of the funniest people in the world are white! But do not believe that white people find all types of humor funny. BET Comic View, for example, is not considered funny and white people generally get little to no enjoyment out of the program.

The easiest way to find out if comedians are approved by white people is to see if they get mentioned on music blogs or have ever given an interview in which they talked about how much they love the Magnetic Fields, Of Montreal, or the Shins. But this does not guarantee white-person acceptance.

If the topic of comedy comes up, the best thing to do is talk about how much you love Sarah Silverman. White people can’t get enough of her! Her whole shtick is saying really offensive things! But it’s OK, because she’s pretty and has a small voice, so it all sounds so cute! Get it? It’s not offensive, because she says racist or sexist things that she knows are offensive. So it’s OK.

Much as white women will say that Jon Stewart is their perfect man, it is fully acceptable and encouraged for white men to say that Sarah Silverman is their perfect woman.

Sarah Silverman is also considered an “alternative comic,” which essentially means she is universally loved by white people, but not enough to be a movie star.

Other acceptable “alternative” comedians: David Cross and the Comedians of Comedy (Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Zach Galifianakis, and Maria Bamford). Also, white people will say they love any comedian who shares your ethnicity. For example, if you are Korean, watch how many times white people tell you how much they like Margaret Cho.

WARNING: Under no circumstances should you
ever
list Dane Cook as your favorite comedian. The wrong kind of white people like him. And mentioning him will cause white people to lose all respect for you.