Submission: Guilty Pleasures #3 (BBW Erotic Romance) (3 page)

“I guess I’m trying to understand
what went wrong...” Jane’s snort of laughter cut me off.

“What went wrong? Start with when
I my mother married that son of a bitch, Jim. That’s where it all went wrong.”
Jane swiveled on the bar stool, meeting my eyes for the first time. I saw how
red-rimmed they were, dark smudges on the pale skin beneath dark blue eyes.

She waved a finger at me. “But
you’re here about Jake, not me. I get the picture.” She turned back to the bar,
almost inhaling her drink.

“I have my own set of problems.
I’m sure enough people have told you about them so I won’t bore you with the
details. Let’s just say, I’m messed up in more ways than one and it’s not
something that anyone can fix.”

She ran a hand through her hair,
pushing it back from her face. “I had another Dom once. His name is Nick.
Really nice guy. Understood me like no one else ever did, before or since. Knew
exactly what I needed, how to give it to me, when to stop.” Her voice had gone
soft, almost dreamy.

“We were so good together. But
then, his wife got a job in a different city and he had to move. I understood,
although it tore my heart out.” She spun the matchbook on the bar, watching
with disinterest as it skidded off the edge, onto the floor.

“I found Jake...gentle, kind Jake.
Or so I thought. You know, he looks like Nick. Maybe that’s what I liked, same
dark hair, pretty boy type.” She looked at me, her eyes suddenly alive with a
flame of inner fire.

“But you know, you’re his sub. You
know exactly what he’s like. He flashes you a quick, dirty smile, turns on the
charm and you do exactly as you’re told. And you love every minute of it,
right?”

She was right, more or less, but I
wasn’t sure answering her would be a good idea so I took a sip of my
watered-down tepid soda.

“So we start, you know, slow. Real
slow. I have a bit of experience. He has none. So I lead the way. Jake’s wants
to learn everything he can, and he does. It was good, in the beginning. But I
think he lost control one time too many and it frightened him. Frightened men
are desperate men. And I think he viewed me as a project, something to
salvage...reclamation. Told me he loved me.” That snort of laughter again.

“Like I needed to hear that. I’m
not meant to be loved. I’m meant to be used. But Jake’s such a romantic, or a
fool. Anyway, I wanted him to be my dominant, nothing more...I couldn’t handle
more.” She played with her empty soda glass. I feared it would follow the
matchbook to the floor.

“I bullied him, I guess, made him
do things he probably wouldn’t have done. Say things he never would have said.
Told him I’d leave if he didn’t. I tried to make things better in here...” she
tapped her head “...by making it hard for Jake.”

She turned, her eyes searching
mine. “You understand? I used him. Like I wanted to be used...
needed
to be
used. But Jake’s not a ‘user’. And I’m not salvageable.”

She stared off down the bar,
watching the bartender as he leaned on the bar, talking with a customer.

“He’s got such a nice ass. But
he’s gay...too bad.” She sighed.

“Anyway, one night with Jake, I
showed up high on something, or drunk. I don’t remember. I’d been that way
before and he either didn’t know or didn’t care. He had me on the bed and I
said something...something stupid.” There was a pause.

“I broke the house rules.”

I saw a tiny shiver run through
her body. Her voice dropped to a whisper.

“He took me down to the other end
of the room, said I needed to be punished. That he was going to spank me. At
the first touch of his hand on my skin, it wasn’t Jake anymore; it was my
step-dad, Jim. It was that bastard, with his greasy hands on me.”

She went silent. I waited, not
sure where this was going, not sure I wanted to know.

“Something broke inside me then,
something fragile; maybe the last piece of my sanity. Jake broke it, but I let
him, didn’t stop him.”

She straightened up so suddenly
she made me flinch, the glass wobbling on the bar. I reached out and steadied
it.

“So I left, grabbed my clothes out
of the bathroom, got in my car and drove away, wearing just my t-shirt. I had
to stop a couple blocks away, get out of the car and finish getting dressed. I
never went back. And the prick never came looking for me, so I figured it was
what he wanted too.”

Jane turned to me again, riveting
me with those red-rimmed eyes. “And you know the worst thing?  The bastard
never came looking for me. I figured it was what he wanted, too.” She leaned on
her elbows as if the details of the story had exhausted her.

“So, does that satisfy your
curiosity? Got the information you needed?”

“I only wanted the truth.” My
voice was low, like I was speaking to a frightened animal, or a frightened
child.

“The truth? I used Jake. He either
didn’t care or cared too much. Either way it didn’t work out. What I
wanted...needed...he couldn’t give me. Some things just can’t be fixed, no matter
how badly you want them to be. I’m one of those things.”

The bartender suddenly called
Jane’s name. She waved him off, sliding off the barstool.

“Look, I have to go to work.
Whatever you’re looking for, I hope you find it. Because I’m never going to see
you again, okay? This was a one-time deal.”

She disappeared behind the bar,
pulling a dirty apron from behind the counter, tying it around her hips. She
turned back, looking at me as if seeing me for the first time.

“You were there, the other night.
I saw you. And I saw you when Chase bound you. You were that screaming bitch
that got everyone all excited.” She made an unpleasant sound, somewhere between
a cough and a laugh.

“I didn’t realize. Huh...Jake with
you.” She turned away, then looked back over her shoulder.

“Better you than me.” She walked
away without looking back, leaving me struggling to breathe.

––––––––

T
he next couple of days all
blended together in one long blur. I was sleep-deprived, restless, a disastrous
combination. I wanted resolution but didn’t know what that resolution should be.
I still had questions, still wanted answers...from both men. But my body and mind
were exhausted. I wanted to put everything into perspective before I sought out
either Chase or Jake.

Jane wasn’t what I expected. Not
by a long shot. She was rough and brash and a deeply troubled young woman. In
my mind, there was no way I could reconcile the woman I met with the Jake I
knew. But then I hadn’t known Jake all that long.

I’d made up my mind that when I
got home from work on Friday, I’d call Jake, to see him. There were
inconsistencies in what he’d told me, things that didn’t make sense...things that
upset me to think about.

More than anything, I wanted Jake
to tell me I misunderstood him...or Jane...or have a simple explanation that made
everything make sense. That would clear up this infernal confusion I felt.

When Jake answered the phone, when
I heard his husky voice, my mouth went dry. It took me two tries to say hello.

“It’s good to hear from you, Abby.
You don’t know how much I’ve missed you.” I could hear the longing in his
voice.

“I miss you too, Jake. I’d like to
see you, just to talk.”

“Just talk? This sounds serious.”
He was trying hard to keep his voice light but I could hear the tension behind
the words.

“There are some things I want to
ask about, that I’m confused about...things that don’t make sense.” I hesitated,
not wanting to mention Jane, helpless not to.

“It’s about Jane...about your time
with her.”

There was silence on the other end
of the line. Then I heard Jake sigh.

“We’ve been through this, haven’t
we, Abby? I don’t know what else I can tell you. But I’ll be home in an hour.”

––––––––

J
ake was waiting beneath the
portico, in white shirt and dress slacks, his tie gone. I was used to seeing
him like this, home after work, but the relaxed sexiness I had come to expect
was gone, replaced with a tense wariness. He brushed his lips across my cheek,
the warmth of his hand briefly on my back.

I was curious which door he’d lead
me through; up to the tower room, where we’d had our session, or into the main
house. My guess was on the tower, but he surprised me, taking me to the small
room where he’d given me the massage, the room where we first made love, on a
big rug in front of the fire.

The rug was still there but there
was no fire burning tonight. There were no candles or scented oil.

“Can I get you something to drink?
Soda, wine?”

Jake had picked up a glass from
the coffee table, bourbon by the color and smell.

I nodded. “Wine would be nice.”

I stood by the windows, looking
out over the broad expanse of well-manicured lawn, the trees casting long
shadows in the twilight. I felt Jake brush against me and I turned, taking the
glass of wine he held.

“How have you been, Abby? I’ve
missed you...missed our sessions.”

“I’ve missed our sessions too, Jake.
And I miss you.”

“Then why aren’t we together?” He
was watching me closely.

“You’re still seeing Chase, aren’t
you?”

I shook my head. “I didn’t come
here to talk about Chase.”

Jake looked at me for a long time,
finally taking a swallow of his drink. “Right. You wanted to talk about Jane. I
guess Chase is a forbidden subject between us.”

I turned from the window, walking
past Jake, sitting down on the sofa. “Talking about Chase with you...doesn’t help
me. That’s not why I’m here.”

Jake stood by the windows a moment
longer before sitting down on the other end of the sofa.

“Okay. You said you had questions.
What do you want to know? What more can I tell you? Being with Jane...having her
leave...was one of the hardest things I’ve gone through. But I’ll go through it
all again, if it helps you, Abby. If it gets us out of this limbo and gets
Chase Mitchell out of your life.”

“Jake, all I’m asking for is the
truth. Honesty.”

“I gave you that. I told you
everything.” He tossed back the rest of his drink, emptying the glass.

I took a deep breath; it was now
or never. “Jake, I talked to Jane.”

There was a long moment of
silence. I watched Jake’s face, watched the emotions play across is beautiful
features: shock, confusion...finally resolving into anger.

In one startling movement, he
flung his empty glass into the fireplace. It exploded in a shower of crystal
shards. I tensed on the couch, holding my breath, afraid to move.

He finally turned to me, his blue
eyes like ice. I felt goose bumps rise on my arms.

“You talked to Jane?” His voice
was cold.

“How did you find her?”

My voice was shaking. I swallowed,
struggling for control. “Someone at Chase’s club knew who she was...how to find
her. She’s never left Houston. She’s been here the entire time, working at a
bar on 12
^th
Street.” I went on before I lost confidence.

“She said you never tried to find
her.”

He stood, walking to the windows,
resting one hand on the glass, not looking at me. “And you believe her? You
believe Jane?”

“Jake, did you look for her? Or
did you just tell me that because it’s what you thought I’d want to hear?”

His fingers tapped sharply against
the glass. I looked at the shards of crystal on the carpet, winking in the dim
light. There was a long pause before he spoke, his voice hollow.

“I didn’t look for her.” He turned
away from the darkening window, looking at me, pain in his eyes. “I didn’t want
to find her.

“I didn’t care.”

I realized I’d been holding my
breath. “You could have told me that, Jake. It would have been the truth. Don’t
you think, after all we’ve gone through, that you could have told me the truth?
Nothing else matters but the truth.” I didn’t recognize my own voice; it had
gone high and thin.

“Abby, when I told you about Jane,
all I could think about was losing you, the way I’d lost her. If I had told you
everything...that I hadn’t bothered to look for her...admit that I didn’t care
enough about her to go look for her...it would have driven you away. I’d hurt you
with what that revelation.”

He sank into in the leather chair
by the fireplace, the anger draining out of him, elbows on his knees, running
his hands through his hair.

“I’m losing you anyway, now that
you know the truth.” His voice was muffled, his head down.

I left the couch, kneeling next to
his chair, resting my hands on his knee. I felt the tension in his body. “No,
you can’t lose me with the truth.

“But you can lose me if you’re not
honest.”

He lifted his head, meeting my
gaze, reaching out to touch my face. I flinched and he pulled his hand back.

“And now I’ve scared you.” He
shook his head. “This is why I try so hard to control my emotions, my anger. I
lose control and things get destroyed...people get hurt.”

“Jake, this is hard, for both of
us. It’s been a long time since you’ve thought about Jane, and everything that
happened with her. And then I make you bring all that back to the surface...it
has to be hard to deal with. I can’t blame you for how you feel, your emotional
reaction to things. They’re part of who you are.” I reached out slowly,
touching the back of his hand.

“But you have to know why I’ve
done this, don’t you? It’s not just on a whim. I think you know ... I hope you
do...how important this is to our relationship.”

Jake nodded, his fingers softly
tracing patterns across the back of my hand.

“I know. I understand. That
doesn’t mean it’s easy.” His voice was soft, eyes downcast.

“This isn’t how I expected our
relationship to turn out.” I laughed, a faint sound in the quiet room. Jake
looked up, gave me a puzzled look.