Submission: Guilty Pleasures #3 (BBW Erotic Romance) (5 page)

He looked down at his big hands
holding mine. There was a moment of hesitation and then he let go, standing,  his
long legs striding across the room again. Pacing like a caged animal.

“And it only got worse...or
better...or more intense, I guess, the more I saw you. And truth be told, it
scared the hell out of me. Still does.” He took a deep breath, letting it out
slowly.

“It’s like Mandy, all over again.
Only ten times worse.”

Chase finally stopped in front of
the window, looking down on the city below him. There was a long pause; his
voice was low when he spoke.

“My first reaction, when things
scare me...things I can’t control, like my feelings...is to either drink myself
stupid, or find a woman. I’m past the drinking, for the most part. But the
women...well, they’re harder to give up.”

He turned back, watching me a
moment before coming to sit next to me on the couch.

“There have been women, Abby. I
slept with them. Do I regret it? Yeah, I do. I’m not proud of how I acted. And
I regret not telling you.”

We sat for a moment, before Chase
turned to me. There was a look on his face, something I’d never seen before.
Doubt, maybe? In himself, or me, I couldn’t tell.

“I’m being honest, Abby, as honest
as I know how to be. No one has asked that of me, for a long time. But I need
to know from you, if you’re going question me, question us...this...what does that
say? About the trust between us? About your trust in me?”

“Do you trust me, Abby?”

In the moment I hesitated before
answering, I saw something flash in Chase’s eyes. Resignation, loss...sadness. I
dropped my eyes.

“I don’t know, Chase.” My voice
was barely a whisper. “I don’t know how to think about this. And it scares me
too.”

Chase reached over, taking my hand,
rubbing my knuckles with his thumb. I could feel the calluses on his hands, the
rough parts from being on the ranch, the soft parts that spoke of something
else.

“For what it’s worth, however this
ends, I think I’m a better man for having known you.” He leaned over, kissing
my cheek.

I smiled. “Stacy said the same
thing. You’d changed. She likes the new you.”

We sat for a minute, holding
hands. I felt a welling sadness in my chest, like I was losing something
valuable, that it was slipping away as I watched it go.

“Chase, you have to know how hard
this is for me.”

He squeezed my hand. “I do. But
you have to know it’s hard for me too. And to not have you trust me cuts like a
knife. I’d lay my life on the line for you. You have to know that. I made
mistakes. Hell, I’ll probably be making mistakes for the rest of my life.”

Chase stood, pacing again, unable
to stand still. “I’m only human, Abby. You can’t expect me to be perfect.”

“I’m not expecting you to be
perfect. I wanted honesty, not perfection. That’s all.”

Chase threw up his hands. “I’ve
been trying to be honest with you, as best I can. I’ll fight for you, Abby. But
I won’t do battle with you over this relationship.”

The anger I’d felt earlier came
back, blooming hot and heavy in my chest.

“Do you think I’m doing all this
on purpose to make it hard for you? That I enjoy this?” I stood, my face
flushed.

“Because I don’t. I don’t want
this...I didn’t ask for this.” I spread my hands, breathing hard.

The edge was back in Chase’s voice
when he spoke, flinging the words at me. “Don’t want this...or don’t want me?”

He took two quick steps toward me,
grabbing my arms, pushing me against the wall. Something close by fell to the
floor. I felt his fingers tense against my skin.

“Because I want you, Abby, more
than I’ve wanted any woman, ever. I want a relationship with you, not just for
an occasional fuck in my bed or a roll in the hay. And I’m willing to work at that,
to earn your trust, whatever I need to do. You have to know that. But you can’t
hold my past against me going into the future. That’s not fair.”

Chase was breathing as hard as I
was, his face close to mine. I could feel the heat of from his body, feel the
tension, his fingers digging into my arms.

“Chase...please. You’re...”

“I’m hurting you? Yeah. I know. I
want to get it through your head how important this is, that I think you’re
about to throw something away that you really don’t want to...that I really don’t
want you to.

“I love you, Abby. I want you. But
I can’t force you to make a choice. I can’t...as much as I want to. But I can
show you what’s good between us, what does work.”

His mouth was consuming me, his
lips crushing mine against my teeth. I struggled in his grasp, desire and anger
fighting for control. For the moment, anger won. I twisted my head, tearing my
lips from Chase’s.

“Please...this isn’t...I don’t want...”
But I did want, badly. And Chase knew that.

I was breathless, looking up at
Chase, the intensity of his gaze startling me...and stoking that fire that burned
deep inside me.

“Abby...” Chase’s voice was rough
with anger or longing, I couldn’t tell. He buried his face in my neck, his
fingers loosening their grip on my arms but his body still pinning me against
the wall.

I wrapped my arms around him, my
face against his neck. His pulse beat against my lips, hard and fast, matching
my own.

His arms slid roughly down my
body, cupping my ass, holding me while he pressed himself against my body, his arousal
impossible to ignore.

As was mine; there was nothing I
could do but give in. I pulled away from him, seeking his mouth with mine, my
kiss as blistering as his had been.

He spun me away from the wall,
walking me backward until I hit the edge of the couch. I sat down hard and we
came apart briefly as I twisted beneath him, until he was lying on top of me,
the length of his body touching mine, pressing his hips into me, mine rising up
to meet him.

I ran my hands through his hair,
holding him hard against my mouth. His tongue skated along my lower lip and I
opened my mouth to him, pulling and sucking his lips and then, biting down on
his lower lip. I tasted blood but it only fueled my desire.

Chase pulled away from me, running
a finger along his lip. He looked at the blood and then down at me, his eyes
dark.

“And who’s hurting who now, Abby?”

I had no chance to answer and I
suspect Chase wasn’t interested in one anyway. Our hands were frantically
pulling at clothes, Chase undoing enough buttons on my blouse to expose the
tops of my breasts, pulling my bra down roughly so he could pull one nipple to
his mouth. I stopped tugging at his t-shirt, gasping as his lips tugged at me.

There was a rush of heat through
my body as he sucked hard. Then there was a flash of pain as I felt his teeth
nip my tender skin. I cried out and Chase lifted his head, his lips curved into
a dark smile that held little warmth.

“Had enough?” His eyes were lit
with an intensity that matched my own.

“No...have you?” I grabbed the front
of his t-shirt with both hands, ripping it down the front, my hands sliding
over his chest, around his back, raking my nails over his skin. I saw him wince
and it sent a bolt of something dark through me, rocking me to the core.

“Now, Chase...now!” My voice was
low, no longer breathless, but demanding.

“This isn’t going to be pretty, Abby.
I hope you know that.”

Chase abruptly sat back on his
knees, yanking down the zipper on my jeans, while I undid the buttons on his
with trembling fingers. I lifted my hips as Chase grabbed two handfuls of
denim, stripping my pants down my legs, tossing them on the floor. With little
ceremony, he shoved his jeans down his hips far enough to free his cock, before
pinning me to the couch again with his body.

It wasn’t pretty; Chase was right.
It was brutal and hard and fast. We were both breathing heavily, Chase
grunting, me making noises I’d never heard myself make. There was nothing about
this coming together that seemed like it was anything but us taking from each
other, the collision of two people intent on the satisfaction of animal needs.

But it was so consuming, in its
aggressive way...so overwhelmingly
right
at that moment. As brutal and
primal and out of control as we were, it united us on some level I didn’t
understand, connected me with Chase, somewhere deep and dark. And that scared
me...it scared the hell out of me.

When we were done, when I’d come
so hard I thought I’d shatter, after Chase had almost pushed me off the couch
as he sought his release, we lay in a sweaty tangled heap, trying to catch our
breath.

I finally pushed myself away from
Chase, sitting up to button my shirt, searching the floor for my jeans. He sat
on the other end of the couch, his face flushed, hair damp from our encounter.

“What are we doing to each other, Abby?
Why do we keep doing this?” He watched me struggle into my jeans, my hands
shaking as I fastened the snap.

I sat on the edge of the coffee
table, pushing my hair out of my eyes, looking down at my hands, clutching them
together to try to stop them from trembling.

“I don’t know. I really don’t.” I
took a ragged breath. “I’m not sure I can keep doing it, Chase.” There was a
moment of quiet in the room.

“Do you love me, Abby?” Chase’s
voice was low, questioning.

I looked up, meeting his eyes.
“Yes. I love you, Chase. I do...probably more than is good for me...for you.” My
voice broke.

“Come here.” His voice was soft
and he held out his hand, an open invitation. I hesitated and then I saw the
hurt in his eyes, hurt that mirrored mine. And that undid the tears. I crawled
up on the couch and Chase wrapped his arms around me, holding me while I cried
against his torn shirt.

“What we do to each other, Abby,
what we do. Love shouldn’t be this hard, should it?”

––––––––

I
left Chase feeling betrayed...by
myself. I hadn’t wanted to give in to myself, to the overwhelming attraction I
have for Chase. But it’s so damned hard. He’d told me once he was irresistible
and he’s right.

But as confused as I still was,
each man had a claim on my heart. And each claim was tearing me to pieces.

 I spent Sunday in bed,
trying to sleep, convincing myself I needed to recharge instead of admitting
what I really was doing... burying my head under the covers, trying to escape the
swirling emotions inside of me. Trying to avoid the whole situation. Denial can
be the perfect dominant, if you give yourself over to it completely. I
couldn’t.

The following week began badly and
went downhill quickly. Burke called me into a meeting Monday morning, asking
for updates on all my clients, something he’d never done before. Afterward, in
my office, I had the nagging sense I was in trouble, although he’d never said
there was anything wrong. I’d spent the rest of that day working on proposals
and dealing with emails.

Later in the week Burke called another
meeting, this time telling me one of my clients had requested a new account
manager within the company. I was stunned. I’d never lost a client like this.
Burke laid it on the line for me.

“Abby, there’s been a real decline
in your quality of work lately. I don’t know if it’s because of personal
reasons, something medical, or if you’re not happy here, with the company. But
something’s got to change. I’m here if you need to talk, if it’s something work
related I can help you with. But if you’re not happy here, it may be time for
you to consider a change.”

Burke looked at me over the top of
his glasses. “I really enjoy working with you Abby, truly. You’re a fantastic
employee. I’d like to help you if I can. But I also need to let you know your
performance has come to my attention, and not in a good way.”

I left Burke’s office in shock.
Burke was right; something did need to change. But he had no idea what that
was. And I certainly wasn’t going to unload my personal problems on my boss.
But I did need to do something.

Sometime after the meeting with
Burke, Leslie called to see if I was free for lunch. When I declined, she came
to my office, bringing the requisite salad and large iced tea.

“I won’t tell you how you look
today, Abby. I’ve run out of colorful terms.” She sat down, pushing the salad
and iced tea in my direction. I pushed them back, and her eyebrows immediately
shot up in surprise and concern.

“What’s wrong, honey?”

“I had a meeting with Burke today
and, well, things on the job are a little unsettled. I think I’m just going to
work though lunch.”

As much as I love Leslie, as dear
as she is as a friend, she wasn’t the person I wanted to see right now. My last
conversation with her, while it had helped me put things in some kind of
perspective, made me feel guilty, as if I’d betrayed both Jake and Chase’s
confidences. After the weekend I’d just been through, I really didn’t feel up
to the mental challenge of editing my words to avoid a repeat guilt-fest later.

“Oh. Well, yeah. I heard about
that.” She took a sip of coffee, not meeting my eyes.

“What? You heard about what?” I
pushed my keyboard away, looking at her closely. Leslie, unlike me, can play
poker. I’ve seen her. She can hide her emotions if she wants. And now, she was
hiding something. But she was also itching to tell me. I could see the conflict
flicking in her eyes.

“Oh, you know. Burke was up in HR
earlier, looking through your personnel file.” Her eyes flickered up to meet
mine. They were blank and unreadable, the confidentiality aspect of her job
apparently kicking in, the desire to gossip momentarily quelled.

“Okay. So you know something I
don’t know and you can’t tell me, because it’s confidential.” That familiar
sensation of anger, which seemed to always be there recently, that tight knot
in my chest, rose up again. My nerves were frayed, my mind exhausted and my
patience at its end. I snapped.