Summer Kisses (95 page)

“It’s funny you should say that.” He laughed. “I’ve been identifying with Clark Kent a lot, lately. Actually, the reason I didn’t tell you is I wanted to be sure we could feel something for each other again before I disrupted your life.”

“What?” Her mouth hung open a moment. “What do you mean? You’re my husband. I’m your wife.”

“Sweetheart, you’re a virtual stranger to me. I wasn’t even going to let you know I was alive. I figured, after thinking I was dead all these years, you would’ve made a new life for yourself. I saw no reason to louse that up for you. Dr. Grant talked me into coming to see you. When I got here, I saw you kissing Rob. I decided I would just write you a letter explaining my situation and wish you all the best.”

“So what changed your mind?”

He looked toward Tommy’s bedroom. “Twin sons. Or so I thought. I just couldn’t leave my boys.”

Her face crumpled. “I guess that shouldn’t surprise me.”

“When you didn’t recognize me and told me you were getting married in six weeks, I decided to use the time to see if we could have a future together. I didn’t want to screw things up for you with Rob if I couldn’t get you to fall in love with me.”

She ran her fingers over his face. “Get me to fall in love with you? I married you. I’ve waited so long for you to come home to us.”

“Abby, I may be Matthew Thomas Foster, but as you pointed out, I am nothing like the man you married. Nor do I suspect you’re the same woman I said I do to, either. We don’t know each other. As far as I know, we met twelve days ago.”

“You
are
a lot different from Matt.”

“Baby, I
am
Matt. See, you even have trouble thinking of me as him—I mean as me.

“But we’re going to stay married, right?”

Matt raked his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know. I want to, but I can’t make that kind of commitment until we know if there’s anything to our relationship. Right now we’re strangers.”

“But we pledged ourselves to each other for life.”

“And the government declared me dead. I’m not even sure we’re still legally married.”

“Great. And if we are, you were just going to let me commit bigamy?

“Of course not. I was planning to find a way to tell you next week.”

“Even if we’re not
legally
married, we are in the eyes of God.”

He held her face between his hands. “Abby, we aren’t the same people who made those promises. Regardless of what my fingerprints prove, I’m a stranger even to myself. I can pretend all I want, but I’ll never again be the man you married.”

~*~

Abby squeezed her eyes shut. She’d just gotten Matt back and now he was talking about leaving. He brushed his lips over hers in a kiss so tender her chest ached. Sliding her arms around his neck, she pressed herself closer and whispered. “I still love you.”

He drew back and peered into her face. “Who? Me? Or the boy you fell in love with? Which one of us were you kissing?”

She couldn’t say for sure. Her feelings were for the man she married. She didn’t know Mac. But she liked kissing him, and it probably wouldn’t take much to fall in love with him. However, she couldn’t let herself until she was certain he wouldn’t leave.

“I’m not sure. You’re right. I love the man you were. But I really don’t know the person you’ve become.”

She could see a vague physical resemblance to his dad, but Matt’s whole personality had changed. She wouldn’t describe him as actually grim, but he was so serious compared to the light-hearted, carefree guy she’d loved.

His mouth tightened into a thin line. “Well, at least you’re one step ahead of me. I don’t even know the girl you were. Not only that, I’m not sure who the man you loved was. And I suspect part of the reason I can’t remember is because I won’t like what I learn about myself.”

“What do you think you’re going to discover?”

“That I never loved you, and we didn’t really have a relationship to salvage.” He turned away hiding his face from her and put the ice cream bowls and spoons in the dishwasher.

“But you
did
love me. Why won’t you believe that?”

“Because I do remember the guy I was before I met you. If you had any concept of how many girls I—”

“I wasn’t as naïve as you think. I have a very good idea what a hound you were.”

“No, you don’t.” He turned his back to her and braced his hands against the sink. “I was only interested in one thing. Sex. I changed the girl I was screwing more often than my socks. Why do you think Pete didn’t want me anywhere near you? I was a shallow Casanova who’d had one sexual encounter after another.”

“Not with me you weren’t.” Stepping behind him, she slid her arms around his waist and pressed her cheek against his back. “Did you tell anyone else you loved them?”

“I didn’t have to, Abby. The kind of girls I slept with knew the score. Hell, they made the rules. All they wanted from me was a long hard poke.” He spun in her arms. “You may not know it, but I’m, uhh....” He looked away. “I’m a little better endowed than the average guy.”

Over the years, she’d had plenty of overeager dates grind themselves against her and press her hand to their flies. Every time she’d stroked Rob, she’d remembered about how much thicker Matt had been. “Believe me, I know how you stack up against other men.”

“What you don’t know is I never even had a date in high school. I was a big nobody. That’s why, even though Pete and I talked in study hall and he suggested I apply for an ROTC scholarship with him, he never hung out with me until we both ended up at Princeton.”

“I was a nerd, too.” She smiled. “That’s probably why you liked me.”

“Anyway, during the summer after I graduated, I concentrated on developing a cooler image for college. I worked out, bought all new clothes, and skipped my usual visit to the barber. On top of that—I went through my last growth spurt.”

“In height?” She smiled. “Or length?”

“Both. When the semester started, I was popular for the first time in my life. After I got my first taste of sex, I couldn’t get enough. It was as if I was afraid everyone would eventually realize I was just a loser in disguise and my sex-fest would suddenly end.”

She’d known Matt had slept around, but she’d never guessed he’d been as sexually active as he was suggesting. “Okay, so about how many were there altogether?”

“I can’t even begin to guess.” He shrugged.

“If you were making love to that many—”

“You don’t get it, Abby! I wasn’t
making love
. I was
fucking
, pardon my French. There’s a big difference.”

“Okay. So if you were such a sex maniac, then why’d you give up all the other girls to date me?”

A cynical snort erupted from him. “Why do you assume I gave them up?”

It wasn’t an assumption. She’d overheard his friends teasing him about how his tool would shrivel up and fall off from lack of use.

“Maybe because all your buddies kept telling me how I’d turned you into a monk. And why did you wait three months to make love to me?”

“Probably because you were a novelty. I’d become used to being pursued, so you were a challenge. I’d never gone out with a nice girl before—and especially not a virgin.”

She turned his face to stare into his eyes. “You said it was because you loved me.”

“Be honest. Would you have gone to bed with me if I hadn’t told you that?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then you can’t trust what I said to you.”

She’d never doubted him for a moment. “I didn’t believe it from your words. Your eyes told me how much you loved me. And I felt it in your touch and in the way you always put me first. Your actions proved how much you cared.”

He pressed his face into the crook of her neck and held her close. “For Tommy’s sake, I pray you’re right.”

~*~

Matt meandered into his son’s room and found the boys already in their pajamas. “Hey, good job, guys.” He scanned the overfilled bookcase. “What story would you like to hear?”

Royce scrambled over to Tommy’s bed.

“Can’t you
tell
us a story instead?” His son bounced on the mattress. “Like about bein’ a prisoner? That’s really cool.”

“No, it wasn’t cool.” Knowing the nightmares it gave him, he’d hate to see what it would do to a child.

Tommy brushed his hand over Matt’s forearm. “But that’s how you got those scars, right?” He turned to Royce. “His back is really yucky. Dad, what’d the bad guys burn your arms with?”

Matt closed his eyes and bit his lip. It was natural for his child to have questions. Maybe if he satisfied his curiosity a little he’d forget about it. “Cigarettes. Now, let’s talk about something else, okay?”

Tommy flashed a conspiratorial grin. “Did you kiss, Mommy?”

“You’re being nosey-butts tonight. I think you two should go to sleep.”

Royce giggled. “Ah, c’mon tell us.”

Matt picked Royce up and tossed him on his bed and tucked him in. “Gentlemen never kiss and tell, guys.”

Pressing his lips to each of their foreheads, he chuckled. If they remembered that, they’d get a lot more than just kisses.

~*~

Abby slipped her nightgown over her head. The bedroom door sprung open, and she gasped. As Matt strolled into the room, unbuttoning his shirt, she pressed her hand over his fingers and stopped him. “I thought we agreed we wouldn’t make love again until we’re sure about our relationship.”

His mouth tightened. “That’s right. But you’re my wife. I can at least hold you at night.”

The time she’d spent in Matt’s arms that morning had been sheer torture. How could she protect her heart when his tender kisses left her so vulnerable?

He shrugged off his shirt and tossed it into the hamper. “If we have a prayer of making our relationship work, Abby, we both have to stop holding back our feelings. We have to let our guards down. That’s not going to happen with me sleeping in another room.”

Exactly. And since his intention was to break down her defenses, she didn’t have a single reasonable excuse not to spend the night with him. As he stripped off his briefs along with his jeans, she backed away. “You’re g-going to sleep with me nude?”

“That was my plan.” He peered at her sideways. “I’d hoped you’d lose the nightgown, too. I love feeling you against me. How do you expect to make this marriage work if we don’t relate to each other as husband and wife?”

She fingered the satiny fabric of her nightgown. “I just think we need to get know each other again before we—”

“That’s the whole point. Right now we’re both terrified of being rejected by the stranger on the other side of the bed. Sleeping together will make us closer.”

“I didn’t mean physically,” she said. “As soon as we’re sure how we feel, I’ll spend a whole day making love with you.”

“Damn it, Abby. I’m not looking to have sex with you.” He stared intently into her eyes. “But I
am
going to make love to you.” He pressed his fingers to her lips to keep her from speaking. “I’m talking about intimacy. Without that kind of emotional investment, all we have is friendship, not a marriage.”

Matt was right. Falling in love with him was all about intimacy. Without his tenderness, the physical act of sex would never place her heart in jeopardy. She couldn’t refuse him and still claim she wanted their marriage to work.

Swallowing hard, she dragged her nightgown off and then slid under the covers. After turning out the lamp, he pulled her into his arms and sealed her mouth with his in a deep kiss.

Moments later, he drew back and buried his face in her neck while his hands continued their sensual journey over her body. “I may not remember you, Babe, but your scent and the silky feel of your hair is so familiar. Your gorgeous green eyes never stopped haunting my dreams.”

She hid her face in his shoulder. How could she survive it if Matt decided he wanted more children, and she wasn’t enough for him? “I’ve missed you so much.”

“No. You missed the man you married,” he whispered. “How can I make you understand? Even though Matthew Foster’s body is alive, the man inside really did die.”

“I’m sorry. I loved him. He’s still alive in my heart.”

Matt crushed her to his chest. “If it’s going to work between us, you have to let him go. I can’t compete with who I was. Be honest. Do you see the old Matt in me?”

“No.” The man she married was playful and open. “Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of him.” She stroked the chiseled line of his jaw. “When we make love, I can feel him in you. You’re at peace then, and you give me the most wonderful smiles. But the rest of the time you keep them locked up.”

“I’m sorry. It’s hard to smile with so many dark memories. When we make love, you turn the sun on for me.”

“Is the sun on now?”

Matt held her fingers over his lips so she could feel his smile. “Yes, Sweetheart, it’s shining very bright.” He pulled her tight against his thick warm erection. “I need to go to sleep now, or I’ll end up doing what I promised I wouldn’t. He kissed her on the top of the head. “Goodnight.”

Tell him, Coward.
It was the perfect time.

For some reason, she couldn’t summon the words. He already had doubts about their marriage. If he knew there’d be no more children, he wouldn’t be so eager to fall in love with her again. He’d walk out for sure.

Moments later, Matt’s breathing became slow and deep, telling her he’d fallen asleep.

Making love with him wouldn’t have left her any more vulnerable than being cuddled in his arms all night. And at least, she would’ve gotten one more trip to the stars before he left.

~*~

The door banged open, and Matt woke with a start. Tommy ran into their bedroom, sobbing, hugging his bear. Their son’s tears halted at finding Matt in his mother’s room.

Shielding his eyes from the glare of the hallway light spotlighting the bed, Matt quickly untangled himself from Abby and made sure she was covered before he sat up and pulled on his briefs. “What’s the matter, Buddy?”

“I had a bad dream,” he whimpered.

He stroked his son’s head and whispered, “Do you want to tell me about it?” He put his finger to his lips. “Talk softly, so we don’t wake Mommy.”