Authors: C.S. Janey
“I…you’re…” he closed his own eyes, swallowing rapidly before gazing at me again. “You’re lovely.”
I didn’t know what to say, the enormity of my feelings engulfing me even though I didn’t know how to voice them.
I think he knew that though. Within seconds, he had our bodies covered up and me enveloped in his arms.
“Night Elle,” he uttered in my ear.
His soft words were the last thing I remembered before sleep claimed me.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Sunday dawned bright and sunny, dashing my hopes of the party being rained out and therefore, saving me from having to go there.
I knew that technically, I didn’t have to go. But, even Penny said Lyndsey was so excited to meet me that I couldn’t justify missing her party all because the very idea filled me with anxiety.
Having spent the past preceding days cleaning and sorting the house, I packed a bunch of boxes into the back of the car. They were full of Liliana’s stuff that I didn’t want but was sure her children would want, Yvette especially, since I knew her to be the most sentimental of the bunch.
My phone buzzed as I got into the car.
A text from Simon:
‘running late due to work, may be half hour or so late, sorry’
had me frowning. I hadn’t planned on going into the party without him; however, I’d promised Penny I’d be there at exactly five-thirty to help out. Never one to break my promises, I’d just have to suck it up and not let my worry get the better of me.
Arriving two minutes early, I walked slowly up the driveway filled with cars, gathering that this would be mostly family and maybe a few friends from Lyndsey’s daycare. Squeals of laughter filled the air as I reached the gate and walked through. Penny spotted me first, rushing over to hug me, only to glance behind me with a frown.
“Where is Simon?”
“He fell behind, he’ll be here soon,” I assured her with a smile. “Um, wasn’t I supposed to be helping you prepare?”
She laughed. “Yep, but I was up early so I just did it myself. Good thing too, people arrived an hour early!”
Most of the guests, from the looks of it. But where was Stefan?
Before I could respond, or locate the person I wanted to avoid the most, Lyndsey broke away from the group of kids, running toward me with a grin.
“Auntie Liz!” She wrapped her arms around my waist and looked up at me. “You came to my party!”
“Of course I did. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Even if I had considered bailing.
I picked her up, propping her on one hip as I walked her back to her friends.
She chattered in my ear in the way only an almost four year old could. After a few minutes, she kissed me on the cheek and asked to be let down. She ran off after another kid as I caught sight of Yvette.
“Hey Yvette,” I said in a soft voice as I approached her.
For once, she didn’t glare, although she seemed rather glum to me.
“Hi,” she mumbled. “Some party huh?”
I shrugged. “It’s for a bunch of preschoolers,” I replied with a laugh. “However, there are some boxes of your moms stuff from the house in my trunk, if you want to go through them first.”
She smiled, which I accepted as my thanks considering she took off an instant later.
When I saw Stefan break away from a group across the yard and walk toward me, I panicked. I had invited Simon so I wouldn’t have any chance of being cornered by Stefan. I wasn’t ready to talk and I wasn’t sure I ever would be. The sudden urge to get sick had me spinning on my heel and running inside the house. I made it to the bathroom before getting ill, only to have the door open behind me seconds later.
“I’m in here!”
“Fucks sake, Ellie,” Stefan growled, crouching next to me and holding my hair out of the way. “Let me help.”
I moaned, my stomach heaving. I didn’t want him here. Embarrassed at my reaction, it turned into anger with him for being so damn nice when all I wanted to do was yell at him, along with irritation at Simon for not being here even though I knew he couldn’t help it. I should’ve waited but I stupidly thought I could deal with this on my own for a little bit.
I swatted his hand away, scrambling up and over to the sink to wash my mouth out. Stefan held his hand out, which I promptly pushed away from me.
“Knock it off! Take this.” He snatched my hand in his and shoved something into it.
Looking down, I saw a white and red peppermint. Well, now I knew how he always had fresh breath.
Popping it in my mouth, I instantly moved it around with my tongue to coat my mouth with the taste. Stefan just stood there, watching me, not saying a word. His hands gripped the counter, an observation made only because I refused to look him in the face. I didn’t have to because I knew what I’d see. Want. Hunger. Maybe even need.
I didn’t need him. I thought I had, especially when I’d first seen him again.
I’d been wrong when comparing the passion of the two men. Stefan and I’s fervor was fire too. However, unlike with Simon, it was overwhelming - an inferno that swept through without a thought for the destruction it brought. He hadn’t meant to hurt me, but he had all the same. It didn’t matter that he’d only left because I pushed him away, not to me. I couldn’t see past what he’d done. I couldn’t say if it would have changed anything had it happened a year or two later; the fact it had been within months had blown out the answering flame in me.
In the end, he deserved my honesty. I wouldn’t keep his hope alive, knowing it would be cruel. And I wasn’t a vicious person, for all the hurt I’d caused years ago. I’d been hurting badly and in the face of my rejection, so had he. But we couldn’t go backward, it just wasn’t possible. And starting over was an illusion - we couldn’t pretend things hadn’t happened. Even people who ‘moved past’ their hurts still carried them inside; the reminder of his hurt just happened to be another living, breathing human being he’d had with someone who’d pretended to be my friend the whole time.
I could forgive him for keeping it from me, for the way he’d revealed his secret and it was only fair that I did. We’d both messed up. Yet, that didn’t mean we had a future.
I knew I’d never get over it. Even if it were completely selfish of me, at least I could admit my faults. As I tried to summon up the courage to tell him we were over forever, he spoke first.
“He can’t love you like I can.”
“Of course not,” I countered, still focused on his hands. “Nobody can love me like you can. The good thing is, there is not just one way to love somebody.”
“Damn it, Ellie! Look at me,” he commanded.
I almost didn’t, yet I heard it. The crack in his voice, the slight desperation, as if he knew what words were coming next and hoped to convince me not to voice them.
I dragged my eyes to his, watching as he saw all he needed to see in my face.
“Why?” The word came out so low, I would have missed it had I not been looking at him. “Why won’t you forgive me? I didn’t know, I didn’t. She knew all along where you were, knew I searched for you and yet, pretended she had no—”
“Stop,” I cut him off, his words just angering me. “She has nothing to do with
you
not
telling me the truth before you took me with you to the hospital. You had plenty of time.”
I straightened up, everything I wanted to say blurting out of me as I stabbed him in the chest with one finger.
“What did you think? That you could just fuck your way back into my life, hoping that when you finally told me I’d just roll over and take it? Love or no love, you lied to me. Whether that was by omission or a blatant act of deception makes no difference!”
He opened his mouth to speak but I gave him no opportunity.
“I do forgive you. I was hurt, I hurt you and in return, you did what you did. That’s it though. It’s over, Stefan. You can stop waiting because there is nothing to wait for.”
His face paled as what I had just told him sunk in. “Ellie, please…”
I shook my head, my hand dropping to my side.
“When you were at my place, right before we slept together again for the first time, I questioned whether you were the Stefan I’d always known.
You couldn’t possibly have stayed the same, I thought. You had to have changed.” I didn’t take my eyes away from his. I wanted him to get what I had to say so there were no misunderstandings. “Thing is, you didn’t. You’re older and you take care of yourself better, but that’s it. Not me. I changed that night. I wanted to have hope so badly when you walked back into my life; truth is, there never was any.”
He took a shuddering breath, shaking his head even as his face paled even further. “That’s not true—”
“Don’t.” I put up a hand, a sad smile on my face. “I loved you, I truly did. Had things happened differently, had I not been…” I couldn’t even say the words. Clearing my throat, I continued, “If things were different, I think we would have been fine. But it happened, and my whole life…it became something else. I still love you now, but it’s the kind of love you have for someone you used to know and be close to. I don’t love you like you love me, and I never will.”
He opened his mouth as if to say something.
“Elle.”
I whirled around at the sound of Simon’s voice.
Not saying anything else, he held out his hand.
I wondered how much he’d heard, thought I didn’t dare glance back at Stefan.
Instead, I stepped forward and placed my hand in his.
As we walked away, I heard Stefan curse and slam the door shut.
~*~
A few moments after we stepped outside, the time had arrived for cake and ice cream, leaving us all standing so close to the table that speaking to Simon wasn’t possible. Much as I’m sure he had something to say about what he’d no doubt heard, I was glad it wouldn’t be until later.
Just when Evan started to head in and find Stefan, he walked outside. He didn’t look at me, his eyes averted as he placed one hand on his daughters shoulder and started off the singing.
Lyndsey clapped giddily as everybody sang, only to puff over and over to blow out the candles, which re-lit automatically. The adults laughed for a few moments, with Stefan to leaning over with a laugh to blow them out a final time.
Before long the sky clouded and everyone rushed to finish up, thanking Penny for the lovely party and collecting their children to leave.
Penny asked me to help her get stuff inside to which I readily agreed. On another trip outside to collect stuff, I noticed Lyndsey leaving with one of her friends. Stefan and Grace stood near the table, their body language indicating that they were having an intense argument. I searched around for Simon, only to see him standing near the gate talking to Evan. Yvette, Adrian and Jerome sat at another table, and Yvette stood up as I approached.
In what seemed like the slowest few seconds of my life, the undercurrent I hadn’t known to be there erupted as she reached my side.
“You had no right to invite
him
to the party,” Yvette hissed at me. “It was for family and Lyndsey’s friends only.”
Not in the mood for this after my encounter with Stefan or to try and figure out why her attitude had reappeared, I glared at her.
“Oh, so
now
you wanna refer to me as family? That’s rich!”
She shoved me and I stumbled, falling to the ground. Stefan ran over to grab Yvette’s arm, as Simon appeared out of nowhere to help me up. Everyone else came running as I stood up, with Grace standing to the side, wide eyed.
“What the fuck is your problem, Yvette?” I yelled now, fed up.
She didn’t say anything, just burst into sobs, which had four of her siblings glaring at me.
“What did you say to her?” That came from Stefan and with his automatic assumption that I’d said something to make her push me, I lost my temper completely.
“Oh, right, so she’s being a total bitch to me and I’m automatically who you fucking blame? She approached me, not the other way around! She pushed me!”
I saw Penny rushing toward us from the corner of my eye as the rest of them looked away from me to Yvette.
“She told me I had no right to invite Simon to this party; that it was for family only,” I persisted. “All I said was that it was rich of her to refer to me as family. She’s made it clear before that I am not!”
“W-why are you even here?” Yvette wailed, breaking free of Stefan’s hold. “You don’t even belong here!”
“All right, what in the world is going on?” Penny arrived and Yvette ignored her, her body shaking with rage that confused me.
“You don’t care about us, you only care about yourself,” Yvette spat out, wiping the tears away from her eyes in a fury. “You hurt my brother, not only once but twice and think you can just waltz in here—”
“Oh, I hurt him twice? In case you didn’t hear, he lied to me! Not to mention, which one of you had the balls to tell me the truth, huh?” I pointed at Grace, who looked ready to flee at any moment. “You! Certainly not you, right? How long were you after him, huh Grace? When I left, did you dance with glee at having the chance to get Stefan? Didn’t work out for ya, did it though? You fucked him and deliberately got knocked up but it didn’t work, did it? Then, you lie to him and me for years, are you proud of—”
“ENOUGH!”
All eyes flew to Simon, his face thunderous, as he cut off my rant. I sucked in a breath, having never heard him raise his voice before and instantly looked down at the ground.
“Penny invited me,” he informed Yvette with a pointed look. “I would have been here either way, but your behavior is appalling. Violence is
not
the answer—” she opened her mouth but he continued in a louder tone. “
And
you are not a child so I’d advise you quit acting like one.”
“That’s right, I did invite him,” Penny agreed, giving Yvette a dirty look. “You owe Elizabeth an apology.”
I brought my head up at this. I didn’t understand for a moment, until I realized that Simon had already been invited by the time he’d had me ask him. My invitation had been a declaration for him from me that he was what I wanted and nothing else.
“I don’t owe that selfish bitch anything!” Yvette snapped in reply as she stomped off.