Sweat Zombies
Authors: Raymund Hensley
Sweat Zombies
by
Raymund
Hensley
Copyright
2013 by Raymund Hensley
https://www.facebook.com/RaymundHensley
All rights
reserved
Cover
design by the author
Without
limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this
publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a
retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means
(electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise),
without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and
the above publisher of this book.
PUBLISHER’S
NOTE
This book
is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either
are the product of the author’s imagination or are used
fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead,
or living dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
MADE
IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
CONTENTS
Exercise To Exorcise
Zombies On
Treadmills
A Pirate's Life For Me
How I Met
Barbara The Zombie Hunter
DON'T TAP ON THE GLASS
I wish that old lady would stop looking at me.
She was on drugs and had the eyes of
a badger. I ran on that treadmill with my heart pounding in my ears.
I had to focus on my workout. I had to concentrate.
Forget
about that crackhead outside trying to be sexy.
She grabbed her crotch with her left hand and made little jumping
movements and fondled her tongue and hollered sensual, gladiatorial
sounds. All that passion made me shudder. I hated being up front.
Just yesterday, three rich, Japanese women stopped at the window,
pointed at me, laughed with their hands over their lips, and scurried
away on their high heels. Why were they giggling? What did I do? I
knew what they were talking about....
“
He'll never have a chance
with erotic, successful, Asian women like us,” says Lady #1.
“
I'd rather stick my face in
an overzealous alligator than kiss that guy,” says Lady #2.
Forget them. Focus on your exercise.
O
n most days, you'd find me running near the back wall. That
day was different. See, I was there for
Nikki.
She was on the center treadmill, five down from me. The plan? Go
treadmill-hopping and get next to her.
Just keep running,
I
thought.
Don't look at her. Say nothing. Play it cool. Let
her get used to your presence first – your
scent
.
Two men stood outside the window and looked at Nikki. They dressed
like they were going to a hip, douchebag club – with their
tongues hanging out, their tilted baseball caps, their white dress
shirts, their blue jeans, their white shoes. They longed for her. Ah!
This was perfect. They had her attention. It was time for me to get
closer....The old crack addict in the blue church dress wobbled
closer to the window and gazed up at me. She smiled and got nasty –
drilled her right hand in and out of her mouth. She was determined.
Her wooden teeth fell out and shattered on the pavement, some
ricocheting off the window. Still running, I blurted:
“
Good Lord! Help us sinners!”
I turned off the treadmill and sucked in air. The crackhead shoved in
a new set of teeth and made a kissy face and massaged her breasts.
The fitness center's security guard was standing nearby and eating a
piece of cake with chopsticks. I reached out to him.
“
Herb, can't you do something?
Jesus, Mary and Jerome...I'm a disturbed paying customer.”
He shrugged.
“
I'm on break. Can't you see
I'm trying to learn how to eat cake with chopsticks? I have that
Japan trip next month. It'll be great. I'm gonna buy so many panties
from vending machines. Did you know they're from real high school
girls?”
I shook my head.
“
You idiot. That's a myth. Not
to mention severely gross. Pervert Hell's waiting for you.”
I heard tapping on the window. The
old woman's mouth was on it – tongue dancing and leaving behind
trails of spit. She banged her fists on the glass. “I love you!
I love you,
boy
!”
My eyes got real wide with shame. I looked around, then pointed to
myself.
“
Me?”
She kicked at the window.
“
Just give me a chance! Don't
judge me until you've sampled my wares!”
I jumped back, sure that she'd crash through. Then Nikki howled in
frustration and jumped off her treadmill. The place shook a little.
That's what happens when you're seven feet tall.
“
I can't work under these
bestial conditions!”
Herb rolled his eyes and groaned. “Stop your bellyaching,
Nikki. Get back on that treadmill and do what you do.” He put
his cake down and sauntered over to the window. He waved his hands
around and spoke like an angel, like he was talking to a venomous
snake.
“
Easy, lady. You better leave
before I call the cops.”
The old woman looked appalled.
“
Peace be with you.”
She smiled, bowed, and skipped down the sidewalk, singing "Skip
to My Lou".
I heard demanding voices. The two douchebags from earlier were at the
front desk, asking about Nikki. The receptionist smiled and pulled on
a cord. The owner of the joint – Seria – strutted out of
her office and stuffed pamphlets into each man's paw.
“
Welcome, gentlemen! Let me
give you a free tour of our fine establishment.”
They tried talking their way out of
it, but Seria had them by the arms. After walking around, and looking
at women in tights bending over and stretching, both men signed up as
lifelong members. Minutes later, they were running next to Nikki...a
man on each side...no way for me to get in. It was embarrassing
watching them flirt with her. She kept her eyes straight ahead as she
ran, smiling here and there. She had them. A fool could see that, but
these guys didn't care. They spoke over each other. One guy tried to
predict her astrology sign, the other guy tried to get sympathy by
telling her how his wife died in a freak bullfighting accident. All
the while, three
more
guys had gathered outside the window, staring up at Nikki as she ran.
The men outside yelled and clapped, clearly drunkards.
She blew them kisses, messed around with her hair and tied it up.
More cheering from the gallery. Minutes later, those guys strolled
into the fitness center, signed up, and were running around Nikki –
those fools all huffing and puffing and drunk and falling over. One
of them dropped into a comatose state and vomited into his dreams.
Apparently, he ate a lot of rice. The mess was disgusting. Everyone
kept running. The stink of stomach acid was alive in the air.
At two in the morning, I packed up and walked toward the front door.
I passed Seria's office and heard great laughter. I looked in,
careful to not be seen. Seria was behind her desk, leaning back in
her chair with a big cigar in her mouth, counting money into Nikki's
smiling hands.
Nikki....
She looked just like Elaine.
CHAPTER ONE
Exercise To Exorcise
As a medical transcriptionist, I
turned recordings into written documents. I loved being in the
privacy of my own home and not having to deal with customers, but the
gig came with problems. For one, my days were spent listening to
doctors spitting into my ear all these horrible medical issues, like
amputations, liver diseases, abortions, foot fungi, stomach worms,
buttock worms, and so on. I'd have these terrible nightmares....The
other thing negative about the job, was I never went out into the
sun. Calcium was a concern. To help with my weak bones, I needed to
take vitamin D and calcium supplement pills. Here's a quick health
lesson: Contrary to popular belief, calcium is not in vitamin D. It's
a mineral that you get from a variety of sources, like fish. Vitamin
D is what you need for your body to make
use
of calcium.
To do my work, I always had to step on this pedal to start or end a
recording. Nine times out of ten, you'd get a doctor that mumbles. I
was always stopping and going to make sure I heard them right. I had
to be careful. I was at the end of my rope – one mistake too
many in my career. My boss warned me that if I got another complaint
from a doctor, I'd get the boot. Ever since the economy went to shit,
the transcriptionist field turned into a competitive battle ground. I
had twenty people lined up to take my job. I could hear them clawing
outside my front door like raccoons foaming at the mouth. The
brutes....
At the end of every month, I'd go to the hospital to get my checks. I
was in and out of that place for five years. Ben and Elaine were
always there. They were the only ones I cared to say hello to.
Everyone else looked upset. The thing about Elaine was that, yes, she
was cute, but I never thought any more of her. She didn't meet my
“dream girl” requirements.
When I walked into the lobby and saw them kissing, I was confused by
the knife in my heart. I felt betrayed. What was happening to me? In
the elevator, I had to keep talking – had to hide how I was
feeling – that I was rotting inside by the second.
“
How long have you guys been
seeing each other? A week?”
“
A year,” Ben said,
wrapping his arm around Elaine's waist.
I gave a forced laughed. “A year? How interesting. I had no
idea.”
Elaine had her sights on Ben through the whole ride up.
“
I've found the love of my
life,” she said.
The words were like icicles falling into my eyes. I felt the tears
coming, and the craziness. The elevator doors opened.
“
I have to use the bathroom.
I'm exploding,” I said, and ran out of there. I hid in a
bathroom stall and cried on the toilet.
“
What's wrong with me?”
You love her.
I ran to the sink and splashed water on my face.
“
I do?”
My reflection shook its head.
She's always hugging you during goodbyes; laughing and touching
your shoulder whenever you tell bad jokes....Don't you get it? She's
put a spell on you.
“
You're an asshole. There's no
spell on me. I'm out of here.”
I got my check from the boss lady – Linda.
“
Hold it a minute,” she
said. “I have an important announcement. We're firing you.”
“
WHAT!”
“
And everyone else. The days
of the medical transcriptionist are over. Blame technology. Doctors
are using computers now that understand their mumbling and print out
their medical notes. Time for us to freshen up on our cashiering
skills.”
“
This is a nightmare. I can't
work out there with
people
.
They'll crucify me!” I slapped my hands over my chest. “A
heart attack....Perfect! I'd rather die than handle customers!”
My legs gave out. I fell into Linda's arms. We eased to the floor.
She looked over her shoulder.
“
Medic! Man down!”
Ben and Elaine ran up in slow motion. My eyes were all on her. I
wanted Elaine to be the last thing I remembered before I died.
“
Come back as a butterfly,”
I told myself. “Come back as a butterfly and live in Elaine's
closet.”
Somewhere in the hospital, a baby cried.
I woke up in a hospital bed. My eyes adjusted. I could make out a
figure of a woman next to me. It was Elaine.
“
I missed you,” she
said. “I was so afraid.”
I smiled and touched her face with the back of my hand.
“
I dreamed of you. I dreamed
that we were running through tall grass and holding hands.”
She brushed back my hair.
“
I have a secret I've been
wanting to tell you for a long time.”
My heart braced for impact. She leaned in and said the words that
lifted my soul.