Authors: Raymund Hensley
“
Smells fresh as a daisy!”
Nikki said.
“
Smells delightful! Like a
newborn baby!” said someone else.
I told Seria that maybe she should shut the place down for a bit
until things got more sanitary. She just laughed and laughed with her
breath fogging up her mask.
“
You crazy? Look out that
window. Look at all those potential
customers
out there. Nikki be doing a fine job. A fine job, indeed! I ain't
shutting this place down – not for a single day. I almost have
enough money saved up to buy her that mansion she's always wanted.”
She put her hands to her mouth like a microphone. “Keep
running, honeychild! Keep running until your feet burn off and my
pockets are filled! Yeehaw!”
I was disgusted for obvious reasons.
When I got home, I found a letter in
the mailbox. It was from Elaine. It was a wedding invitation. She was
tying the knot with Mr. Wonderful. I got sick all over. It was a
frightening feeling. I couldn't control it. I felt fucking
doomed
.
I crumpled the invite and stuffed it in my mouth and chewed and cried
and moaned and spat it out and stepped on it and jumped on it. I was
a monster. Some girls walked by and laughed at me. I wiped away my
tears and took in deep breaths.
Only one thing could make me feel better.
Exercise.
I ran to my front door. A letter was taped it, from my landlord. PAY
YOUR RENT! it read. I snatched it off and crumpled it and put it in
my mouth, chewed it, and spat it out. Inside, I took a shower and
washed all my precious areas. I brushed my teeth at the sink. I
stopped to stare at my reflection. Looking at myself made me sick. I
wasn't good enough – not handsome enough – not rich
enough – not Mr. Wonderful enough. She was getting married.
Someone not me was going to have free sex with her. I threw my
toothbrush into the sink. She was killing me, and she'd never know,
'cause I'd never tell.
Something in the shower fell. I spun around and held my breath,
expecting to see some zombified version of Elaine all stitched
together.
There was nothing there. And I'd be
lying if I said some part of me didn't
want
to see her standing there.
I went to bed and did two thousand situps, then I did some more until
I fell back unconscious.
I only remember having one dream that night.
I'm in the middle of the ocean...treading water under the
sun...something's coming for me...swimming towards me...I'm ready for
it. I want it.
The next day, I went to a flower shop and bought a bunch of roses.
The old lady at the counter asked if they were for my girlfriend. I
thought for a moment, smiling.
“
Yes, they are,” I said.
At Sweat Zombies, the air inside was
nice enough for me to take off my gas mask. I couldn't believe it.
The other members were
still
exercising. How long had they been at it? When was the last time they
went home? Did they even leave since the hole incident? The stink of
body odor hung in the air. Everyone – must've been around fifty
people that morning – was pale and ill-looking. A man with dark
circles around his eyes, lifting weights, threw up pizza all over his
feet, then went back to working out. He gave me a worried smile.
“
I'm fine as rain. Honest!”
I jumped back and covered my nose.
His breath smelled like a dead kitten stuffed with used socks. I
squinted and leaned towards him, staring. He had
things
crawling out of his mouth. He noticed and giggled.
“
Aww, shucks. Don't mind these
ants in my mouth. They're cleaning my teeth. Honest!”
Nikki was on the treadmill, doing her job. I gave her the roses. She
threw them to the ground.
“
Get these things away from
me, idiot! People outside have to think I'm single – that they
have a chance with me if they sign up.”
She was right. I picked up the flowers.
“
It'll never happen again.
Gosh, Nikki, you're so smart.”
She snorted and spat blood onto the floor. I examined her.
“
Are you feeling alright? You
guys look sickly. Take a break.”
She waved me away and went, “Blahhh! The only thing that
matters is exercise. Now go play some racquetball and leave me be.
You have become irksome. Be gone!”
I put the roses next to a wall.
“
I'll just put these here
until you've got time to smell them. They're very expensive.”
She had her headphones on.
Pippy was on the racquetball court, running and jumping around,
hitting the ball with rage – screaming with each swing.
Intimidated, I walked in and closed the door behind me. She kept
playing.
“
I hope you're ready for me,”
she said. “I'm been playing nonstop since yesterday.”
I was shocked.
“
Nonstop? Damn. That's why you
look like death.”
“
But I feel so alive! So
great! I'm a winner! Come on, boy, jump in. Let's play!”
She hit the ball at me. I screamed and hit it with blind luck. It
bounced off the wall, and the game was on. The match lasted for an
unusual thirty minutes. I lost and collapsed onto the floor. I had
trouble breathing. Pippy kept playing.
“
Loser!” she laughed.
“I'm the best! I knew all this training would pay off! I'm the
best! I'm the bessssssssssssssssssssssssss....”
She stopped jumping around and got quiet. I stood up.
“
Pippy? Something wrong?”
She stared at the floor.
“
My heart. It feels weird.”
“
Jesus! Does your shoulder
hurt? You may be having a heart attack. Sit down.”
She cried out in pain and gripped her chest. She fell into my arms.
Yellow jelly shot out of her mouth. Her eyes turned white. She took
my arms and pulled me close and snarled and came damn close to biting
off my face. I pushed her away and ran for the door. She jumped on my
back. I hit the ground and started crawling away. She ran shrieking
toward me. The sound reminded me of an elephant falling off a
building. She jumped in the air with her claws out. I snatched up my
racquet and shoved it in her mouth right when she landed on me. I
kicked her off. Pippy ran around the court, spinning around, trying
to yank out the racquet. I bolted out of there screaming for help.
Out front had its own problems.
People fought with each other...much running around and banging into
equipment and throwing around weights. Sweat Zombies was filled with
screams. A naked musclewoman was over a dead man, eating his back. A
fat man tackled a lady to the ground, pulled her scalp off, and
shoved it into his mouth. Another man was on a bench, doing curls
with someone's severed head. Behind him, a young fellow yanked out
someone's ribcage and wore it as a hat. Many of these demented people
were running on treadmills. The security guard was held up against a
wall, waving around a barbell, warning a group of demented people to
stay back. They rushed him and held him up and tore apart his limbs
at one go. His face went splat against a mirror wall.
Seria yelled for me. She was being strangled by a demented person. I
ran up and pulled the man away and threw him onto a bench. I dropped
a barbell on his neck, taking off his head. Yellow jelly shot out.
The head stopped rolling and gave an empty scream, teeth clicking.
His body jumped off the bench and went for my throat. I yelled and
staggered back.
“
Stay back, devil!”
Seria grabbed a weight and smashed the head to mush. The body dropped
its arms and fell over. Seria ran up and yelled in my face.
“
Zombies! Those ghosts turned
everyone into zombies!”
Nikki screamed as a zombie ran toward her. She grabbed its arm and
judo-flipped him through the main window, onto a group of male
douchebags. The zombie chased them away. A cop car ran him over. The
police came with their helicopters and jets and tanks. The officers
jumped out and ran around and waved their guns here and there like
before. I took Nikki's hand – and the roses – and looked
back for Seria. She was lying on the ground.
“
Leave me. I want to die.”
Nikki ran to her.
“
Mother, please!”
Seria hissed at her and kicked her away.
“
I'm ruined! Everything I've
worked for – gone! I can't live like a commoner! Go! Save
yourself!”
A zombie ran over to eat her. I shoved the roses into its eyes. A
gunshot, and the zombie's head blew up. I spun around and raised my
hands at the cops.
“
We're alive! ALIVE!”
They shot the place up. Heads exploded all around us. Nikki and I
grabbed Seria's hands and dragged her away. She kicked and screeched.
“
I can't survive like everyone
else! I don't know how to work a register! Kill me now! Waaaaaaah!”
We hid in the racquetball court, killing Pippy. (I mean – the
zombie formerly known as Pippy.) I ran to my gym bag and pulled out
my phone and turned it on, going to a news site highlighting what was
going on outside. The video played. I pumped up the volume. A
reporter popped onto the screen, in the middle of cops.
“
Cynthia Mootz, live outside
Sweat Zombies – the fitness center that has captured the
attention of the world – the fitness center filled with
zombies
. We're here
with police lord Tom Womp.”
“
Hello, Cynthia. Excited to be
here.”
“
Lord Womp, explain the
situation.”
“
It's grim. The building is
filled with zombies. Everyone is dead. Well...
walking
dead. Ha ha ha!”
The reporter laughed, too.
“
Quite. Lord Womp, what will
happen to these zombies?”
“
Protecting Honolulu –
and our tourism industry – is our main priority. We will burn
this damn devil building down.”
I screamed. “NO! You fiends! We're alive in here!”
I called the police. A women answered.
“
Hello. Police.”
“
We're alive in here!”
“
Where's
here
?”
“
Sweat Zombies.”
“
Oh. I see. One moment
please.”
“
Of course.”
I heard papers moving around on the other line. She came back on the
phone.
“
Please proceed to the front
of the building with your hands up and your eyes closed. An angel of
the law will be with you.”
“
Are you stupid? They'll shoot
us!”
She sighed.
“
Then stay where you are.
You'll all be burned alive soon anyway. Damn zombies....How dare you
threaten our fine city with your vile, greedy ways? I hope there's
nothing left of you and your selfish kind. I spit on your bones!”
She hung up.
Nikki yelled out something unintelligent and spun around and around.
Seria held on to her.
“
Baby, calm down! Be normal!”
I knew what this was about.
“
Get away from her!” I
ran to Pippy and yanked my racquet out of her mouth, ripping out
teeth and jaw muscle.
“
Seria, get away! She's turned
rotten!”
Seria wrapped her arms around Nikki.
“
You won't hurt her! I won't
let you!”
Nikki's eyes turned white. She vomited her sick, steaming mess all
over Seria who let go and ran off, rubbing her arms clean and
complaining.
“
It burns! It burnsssss!”
I hit Nikki over the head with my racquet until the hair came away
and I saw brain. I just stood there, trying to breathe, my chest
going up and down.
“
We did it. We're gonna be
okay. Praise Jesus....”
Seria ran at me, hands out ready to strangle.
“
YOU KILLED MY DAUGHTER!
AHHHHHHHH!”
I whacked her in the face, knocking her out. She landed on her ass,
sitting with her head slumped chin to chest, hands palm up, blood
dribbling from her nose, landing on her crotch. I paced around.
“
Stupid cow! How dare you
attack me? I tried to save you. We're all animals now. We're all
animals!”
A boom outside shook the whole place. I spread my legs out and
steadied myself.
“
Shit! They're gonna burn the
place and kill us!”
I dropped the racquet, got on my knees, and prayed.
“
God, please, save us. I
promise to never spend all my mental power on a woman ever again. I
promise to live right. I promise to live life right and full and go
to church every Sunday and be merry. Please!”
Another boom; another earthquake. Much smoke filled the building. I
ran to the door and closed it before the smoke got in. I pressed my
face against the glass wall. Figures moved around out there in all
that dark mess.
Pirates.
Pirates slaying zombies.
One of them was smiling and encouraging the whole time he killed.
“
Come on, men! Do your best!
Never give up! This is no different than the time we fought Capt.
Grapop and his army of Nubian mummies!”
He had gold teeth. It was Capt. Gold Mouth – in the flesh –
slicing off zombie heads and kicking them like footballs. He ran up
to me and tapped on the glass.
“
Greetings, my good man. If
you don't mind, I am here to rescue you.”