Authors: Raymund Hensley
“
I'm so hot,” she said,
still in slow-motion. “I'mmmm soooo haaaaaawt.”
She sounded like a hippopotamus. Nikki poured water all over her
head. She whipped her hair from side to side, complete with lashing
sounds. She exhaled. Her spit splashed onto my lips. I was in a daze.
Something in my heart sparked. A terrible fear took hold of me. I
jumped up and broke the spell.
“
I can't be here. I have to go
now.”
She grabbed my shoulder.
“
Thanks for the water, babe.”
My voice shook.
“
Keep it. It's on you. I mean,
me
.”
She smiled.
“
Let me pay you back a little
something.
Nikki walked close. I stopped breathing. Her chest pushed me against
the glass wall. She put her arms up, fencing me in. She was so much
taller than me, I had to look up to meet her gaze. Pippy snored and
mumbled something about being infested with ghosts. Nikki looked into
my eyes. She had something important to say.
“
I know you've been watching
me.” Her breath smelled like cheap beer. “Do you think
about me when you're in bed? Do you touch yourself when you think
about me? I have a secret. I think about you all the time – in
bed, in the shower, in the kitchen...on the
treadmill
.
I've wanted to kiss you for so long,
lover
.”
She closed her eyes and went in for the kill.
And I let her.
And it was glorious.
My heart imploded. I took in a deep breath and wrapped my arms around
her and kissed her neck – ran my tongue up and down the bumps
of her throat – slid my hands up her shirt and fondled her
breasts. She moaned. “I want this. I won't regret this in the
morning.”
Her hand rubbed my stomach...and slid down....
Elaine's face shot before my eyes, her head zooming out from
darkness, eyes on fire, mouth full of snakes. It was only for a split
second – enough for me to push Nikki away. She looked confused.
“
What's wrong?” She
massaged her breasts and puckered her lips. “
Jag tycker
om dig,” she said in Swedish. “
Don't
I do it for you, lover?”
I was getting a headache. I shut my eyes and rubbed my temples.
“
My head hurts. Please...I'm
sorry.”
I ran out of there, straight into
the bathroom and threw up into a toilet. Did all that really happen?
Did I dream it? A fat man in a red speedo walked out of a stall, saw
me on all fours with vomit all over my mouth, gave me a disgusted
look, and exited. I went to a sink and washed my face. When I looked
into the mirror, it wasn't me I saw. It was Elaine's. She was dressed
like the Devil – in one of those cheap Halloween costumes for
kids. She flew like Superman out of the mirror and tackled me to the
ground, strangling me, screeching at me, slobbering all over my
mouth. Her eyes were reptilian.
“
You cheated on me! You loser!
You LOSER!”
I dug my feet into her belly and pushed. She sailed through the air
and rolled across the ground. I got up and shook my head clear. I put
Elaine in a headlock. She bit into my arm. I didn't feel it.
“
I don't love you anymore,
Elaine! I love someone else now! Goodbye!”
I yanked upwards and her head POPPED off. Instead of blood, flies
shot out and buzzed over my head. Elaine spun around and banged into
walls. I ripped her arms off, then her legs. I stuffed everything
about her into a toilet. I threw her head in there, too. “Cheater!”
she said, and spat in my face. I shut my eyes – squeezed –
and opened them again....
On the water was her picture, all torn up.
“
Get me out of here!”
said the voice in my head. “Damn! Curses! Curses on you! Lonely
forever! Lonely forever!”
I put my foot on the toilet tank handle, and flushed.
CHAPTER TWO
Zombies On Treadmills
I woke up in bed at 7 PM. Sober. I was impressed. Not one drink in
three days. I felt...healthier. I jumped out of bed, did some jumping
jacks, drank 12 raw eggs, took a freezing cold shower, got dressed,
and left for Sweat Zombies. I walked to the bus stop with a smile on
my face. I took big, confident steps. I waved to people –
especially the elderly.
When I got off the bus in downtown
Honolulu, I saw strange lights shooting out of a building. I walked
by. It was another fitness center – a new one called The Hard
Meat. The place was a night club
plus
fitness center. I looked through a window. Inside were guys in dress
shirts and shiny shoes, holding drinks and staring at women lifting
weights and doing yoga. Some men had a drink in one hand, a dumbbell
in the other. A lot of men were just staring – and cheering –
at how much their friends could lift. Most of the women were off to
the side, exercising, some even in dresses and heels. The terrible
dance music was timed with flashing lights that made me dizzy. There
was an argument at the front door. A skinny kid wanted to get in. The
Samoan bouncer in black wouldn't hear of it.
“
Got any identification on
you?”
The kid shook his head.
“
You have to let me in. My
girl's in there! I can't have drunk, wealthy, muscular men
looking
at her! I don't trust her. She'll leave me!”
The bouncer pointed at the mountains.
“
Beat it. Don't make me put my
finger down.”
The kid sulked, kicked invisible trash, and scurried away. I gave a
final look into that place, laughed at the desperate men inside, and
walked toward Sweat Zombies. When I got there, I saw Nikki running on
her treadmill. This time, Japanese businessmen were outside staring
up at her, chatting in an excited way. I went inside to talk to her –
to explain my rudeness the other day. Still running, she grinned.
“
Aww, you're cute.”
I shrugged.
“
It's who I choose to be.”
She nodded to the window.
“
Now forgive
me
for being rude, but you're gonna have to leave me alone now. Your
ugliness is scaring away my customers.”
I looked. She was right. There was
only one Japanese businessman outside, smiling and eating sushi. I
said I understood, and moved on. I had to be more careful next time –
more respectful.
Never, ever bother her while she's
working. Check.
I went to my
usual bench. A part of the ground was erected. The titles had given
way, revealing dirt and grass and centipedes and millipedes. The spot
was sealed off with police tape. Seria, dressed like a construction
worker, handed me a yellow construction hat like the one she had on.
“
Wear this. I need your help.”
“
What's this about?”
“
The spot where you dropped
those weights made a little lump.”
“
Oh. I didn't notice.”
“
At first I didn't worry much
about it. This morning, I get a phone call while taking a dump that,
Jesus Christ, someone tripped and their barbell landed on their
throat. That's not good for business.”
“
That's not good for anyone.”
“
Right. So I come in to see
where it all went down, and low and behold, it's because of that damn
lump. Only now it's not a lump. It's a
hill
.”
I examined the earth with my hand to my chin, and said, “Hrmmm.
Interesting.” A kid climbed to the top of the hill, sat on a
large piece of cardboard, and slid down with her hands in the air,
going, “Yayyyy!” Seria told her to get lost and turned to
me.
“
I ain't payin' to get this
monstrosity removed.”
“
So we're doing it ourselves?”
“
Brilliant. I knew choosing
you was the right choice. Remind me to thank God later.”
We took hold of our shovels and
started digging while someone played
No Diggity
by Blackstreet from their boombox.
After a few hours of straight digging, we made it deep into the
ground and found ourselves at the entrance to a dripping tunnel. We
turned on our flashlights. I gulped.
“
What do you think is in
there?”
Seria shined her light in my face.
“
You go first.”
“
Me? But it's
your
club.”
“
You're the one that dropped
those dumbbells, dummy. You remember that, don't you?”
I frowned.
“
Vividly.”
I pushed her light away from my face and moved forward, hunched over.
The ground was muddy. My back ached. After 15 minutes, we reached a
cave high enough for us to stand up. I cracked my back. Seria's
pointed to something up ahead.
“
What's that!”
I shined my light on something that looked like a pile of black
rocks. My belly started to get rotten.
“
This place has a bad
frequency,” I said. “Let's vamoose out of here.”
Seria rushed forward.
“
Skulls,” she said.
“These are human skulls!”
They glistened as she ran her light across them. I shook my head.
“
We can't be here. This might
be an ancient
Hawaiian
burial site. We can't be here.”
Seria walked to the pile and picked up a skull. I shuddered.
“
No – don't touch it!”
She ignored me.
“
This is excellent! I can see
it all now: Come on down to Sweat Zombies! See famous skulls from
olden times while you work out!”
I was speechless – horrified. She went on.
“
I'll even say they're haunted
– ooooh, scary! People love that stuff. I'll make millions.
Millions, I tells ya, MILLIONS. I can finally pay for that height
reduction surgery Nikki wants.”
I raised a finger to ask about that last part, when the ground shook.
The pile of skulls fell over and scattered. The eye sockets glowed.
Lights flew out from them. The cave was filled with demonic laughter.
Wind from somewhere blew our hair back.
I yelled out, “Ghosts! You've disturbed them! Shit!”
The lights flew over us in a circle. Something bad was about to
happen. I started taking off my shirt, yelling through all the noise.
“
Take off your clothes and lie
down and they won't hurt you!”
Seria was stiff.
“
What? I....”
I shot her a look.
“
Just do it, woman!”
We took off everything but our socks and underwear and stayed on the
ground. The ghosts screamed and flew out the tunnel. I rolled Seria
over. She cried with her hands over her face.
“
I'm sorry. I'm so stupid.
Jesus, forgive me!”
I helped her up. As we hunched our asses out of there, I explained,
“Legend has it ancient ghosts only kill people dressed in
weird, modern clothing.”
She was still crying, “I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.”
I wasn't even sure if she heard me. When we made it back to the
fitness center, Nikki reached down and helped us up. Seria hugged
Nikki and looked at her.
“
I'm so sorry!”
I looked around in a panic.
“
Did you see the ghosts? Is
everyone all right? Where are the ghosts?”
Nikki frowned.
“
There ain't no such thing as
ghosts. That's crazy talk. You're
crazy
.”
I said in a low voice, “You mean, you didn't see anything
unusual fly out of that hole? No lights? No nothing?”
“
The only thing I see coming
out from that hole is two half-naked people.” She looked at us
weird. “Where are your clothes?”
Before I could answer, Seria said, “Ghosts hate modern clothes.
It scares them.”
Nikki put her hand to Seria's forehead.
“
Hell, Mom, are you feeling
alright?”
Seria waved her away.
“
I'm fine. Just a little
malnourished, is all. Are you sure everyone here is fine? No one's
been hurt?”
Nikki smiled.
“
Hurt? Look at all these
people. They're more alive than they've ever been their whole lives!
It's a miracle! Speaking of which, I gotta get back to my treadmill.
Tata!”
She ran off, did a front flip, and landed on her treadmill. She
pressed a few buttons and ran faster and faster. Smoke came out from
the belt followed by a burst of fire. Herb, the security guard,
waddled over and put it out with a fire extinguisher. Nikki yelled
out, “Hot damn! I love exercising! I love the feeling of my
blood rushing through my tubes!”
I looked at everyone working out. They were mad with devotion.
It was intimidating.
I turned to Seria.
“
What are we gonna do about
them skulls?”
Seria walked away and came back with gasoline. She climbed down the
hole. I made to follow. She held her hand up.
“
Stop. This is something I
have to do on my own.”
A little later, black, foul-smelling smoke rose from the hole. No one
cared. They kept exercising. Seria climbed out and gave me my
clothes. She looked happy.
“
Help me cover up this hole,”
she said, throwing me a shovel. “No one must ever know my
terrible secret.”
It took all day to fill up the hole. We put cement and new tiles over
it. That didn't keep the stink from rising through the floor. Seria
and I put on gas masks. I had that thing on my face for four damn
days while doing my workouts. The others didn't mind the odor at all
– not even Nikki. No masks; no nuttin'.