Sweetest Taboo (16 page)

“But, I thought you liked Royal Oaks,” my mom responded, surprised. “Don’t all your friends go there? Don’t you want to swim and play basketball again? You’ve got a year and a half left, don’t you want to graduate with your friends?”

“Yeah, but I also want more of an academic challenge,” I quickly replied, casting about for as many reasons I could think of. “West End might give me a better chance of getting into a good college. I need to think about taking college prep classes and I’ve heard West End has a great college prep curriculum. My friends from Royal Oaks all live close by, so I’ll still get to hang out with them anytime I want.”

My mom frowned, unconvinced. “Well it’s your choice, I suppose,” she responded, and I breathed a sigh of relief. “We’ll go to West End tomorrow morning and see what it would take to enroll you there.”

***

Liz, however, was aghast at my decision to enroll at West End. I met her the next day to talk to her about it in person.

“Isabel, are you crazy? Do you really want to go to a new high school at this stage? It’s junior year. Izzy, we graduate next year! Don’t you want to graduate with all of us, all of your old friends? You know that you won’t make friends like us at West End, it’s just too late in the game!”

“But after what happened with Tom and everything, how could I show my face there again?” I asked. I’d thought about this quite a bit, and had come to the decision that it would be best for me to avoid my past as much as possible. “It would be so awkward and I’d feel so uncomfortable. There would be so much gossip. Everyone would look at me from the corners of their eyes and whisper to each other, ‘Hey, isn’t that the girl who slept with Mr. Stevens? Isn’t she the one that got him in trouble? What’s she doing back here?’ or ‘Look, that’s the girl who started all that trouble for Mr. Stevens. She must be a real slut.’ And what if the police decide to reopen the case because I’m back in town?”

Although moving to Chile had been a nightmare, I was convinced that it had indirectly kept Tom out of prison and me out of trouble. I thought that Sarah’s mind had been made up. She was going to send that letter regardless of whether I was here or not. If the police got the letter when I was still in town, they would have followed both Tom and I. They would have staked out the entire mountain, for all I knew, and put under-cover cops at the high school. We would have been caught, eventually, and Tom would have been charged, convicted, and thrown into prison for a long, long time.

My absence had kept that from happening, and I was determined to maintain that distance – and ensure Tom’s safety – regardless of what it did to my social life or my emotions.

“Isabel, no matter what has gone on, no one can stop you from enrolling at Royal Oaks,” Liz said, sounding frustrated. “Even Principal Warren can’t do that. You didn’t do anything wrong. Anyway, no one is really talking about it anymore. It’s old news. Mr. Stevens is back at school teaching, so the case must be closed.”

I sighed. Liz was right; I’d done some research when I got back in town, and knew that the police had failed to find any direct evidence against Tom. I had refused to cooperate, and I was the only student involved. They couldn’t prosecute the man based on another student’s handwritten letter, no matter how damning it was. His wife had testified that nothing had changed, and that they’d even gone on a two-week camping trip with the family over the summer. The police had been forced to release Tom and drop the charges. His name had been cleared, though I was sure that many parents didn’t want him at the school, and he’d gone back to teaching.

I was terrified of seeing him, though, and worried about his reaction if he saw me on campus again. I was afraid that he would be angry with me, possibly even think that I had been the one to turn him in. He might believe that I had come back upset, with the intention of settling a score with him. Worse, he might believe that I was back in California to assist the police in their criminal case against him. I had never sent him the letter I wrote, where I explained my sudden disappearance from his life, and he probably wondered what was going on in my head or how I felt about him. It wouldn’t take much for him to react to my presence with anger or betrayal. For my sake and Tom’s, it seemed best that I attend another school, where no one knew my name or, more importantly, my past.

“I don’t know, Liz,” I said looking down at the brand new carpet that lined my new bedroom. “It’s just risky, I think. Everyone will be gossiping about me, and I’ll feel so uncomfortable. I mean, do I really need that right now? And what about Tom? How would he react? Don’t you think I would be selfish if I didn’t consider his feelings? He might not want to see me there.”

Liz growled in frustration. “Isabel, don’t let what happened ruin your life. Just put it in the past where it belongs and move on. Royal Oaks is where you should be. Even if some people gossip about it, and ask stupid questions, just deny everything and don’t worry about it.” She reached over and grabbed my arm, her fingers cold on my warm sweater sleeve. “I promise you, it’ll only be uncomfortable for the first day or two, if that, and then it’ll be business as usual. And I’ll be with you. Your friends will take care of you.”

I looked at her, conflicted. There were just so many things to think about. Of
course
I wanted to return to Royal Oaks, be with my old friends, and enjoy the last year and a half of high school, but there was a nagging voice inside my head, telling me over and over again that it was a bad idea. Was I over reacting? Being paranoid? Liz was so sure that it would be okay…

“Well, I guess it would make sense for me to go to Royal Oaks,” I finally answered quietly. “It’s much closer to my house and it would be nice to be back in a familiar place, with my friends. But if I feel totally weird there after the first week, you know, if people are saying things and talking behind my back, then I’m out of there.”

“If things get out of hand, I’ll step in and back you up,” Liz promised. “You know that I know almost everyone at school. And your other friends will do the same, I know it. Trust me, you’ll be fine. Just come back, Isabel.”

Liz’s unwavering pressure convinced me to go back to Royal Oaks, and my mom re-enrolled me the following day. Destiny – or Liz’s conviction – led me back to that high school, and inevitably back to Tom.

Chapter Fourteen

Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?

A
s I walked down the open-air, concrete corridors of Royal Oaks on the first day of the new term, I realized that a new inmate walking through the prison courtyard must feel very much the same. I was vulnerable and guarded, waiting for disaster to strike at any moment. The halls were lined with familiar posters, clinging to the brick walls with silver duct tape. This time, they were advertising the upcoming Valentine’s Day dance in bright purple handwriting. I saw the same buildings around me, and familiar faces everywhere; people I’d known for years.

But nothing appeared friendly.

I was overwhelmed and my stomach was tied up into hundreds of tiny knots. I had Liz next to me, but I knew that she would have to go to her first period class soon. We didn’t have that class together, and that meant that I would be alone, fending for myself, in about five minutes. I watched the students rushing by me, and wondered what they thought of me; none of them were glancing my way, and I wondered if I was truly that anonymous. Was the gnawing fear I felt merely a product of my hyperactive imagination? Had everyone truly forgotten, as Liz said they had? My old friends came over to greet me excitedly, and I began to breathe again. No one said anything about Tom. People were not staring at me. In fact, no one was really paying attention to me at all. Maybe the police hadn’t told anyone outside my immediate circle of friends that I was the student involved in ‘the case’. Perhaps Liz was right, and everything would be okay. I left Liz and strode toward my first class, feeling confident for the first time in months.

***

No amount of comfort and normality could have prepared me for seeing Tom again, though it had to happen at some point. We crossed paths just after lunch, outside his classroom. I was walking by, rushing toward my next class, and hadn’t realized I would be walking past his classroom. He stood at the door, watching the students walk by, with a textbook in his hand. He was speaking to one of his students, laughing at something she had said, when I saw him. I stopped dead, like a deer caught in bright headlights in the dead of night, then cringed and quickly turned away. I knew my cheeks were flushed, and my heart raced in my chest; I couldn’t turn around and face Tom, not like this, not in front of everyone.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw that Tom had looked at me then turned away. He didn’t appear surprised or seem to care that I was there. When I looked back, he had disappeared into his classroom.

***

Just after I returned to Royal Oaks in February, my dad returned to join us. We had all known that he wouldn’t be able to stay in Santiago on his own, and it wasn’t a surprise when he returned. It wasn’t that he couldn’t do his own laundry or prepare his own meals, but he was a family man at heart and simply missed us. All in all, we spent just over two months as a fatherless family in California.

Tony started his journey toward adult life at this time, working hard to juggle college classes and work. He began working at a local fast food restaurant, despite his heavy class load, and made a point of paying for his own things, like car insurance and gas.

“Tony, you’re killing yourself,” I said one day. He had come in to have breakfast with me, and his face alone was enough to cause worry. He was paler than I’d ever seen him, with dark circles under puffy eyes, and his mouth was pinched with fatigue.

He shook his head. “I’m more tired than I’ve ever been, but it’s worth it. Dad needs to see that I can provide for myself. He needs to see that I’m an adult now, and can make my own decisions.” He paused. “I don’t want him to think that we came back here for nothing. I want him to know that it was worthwhile, and that we appreciate it.”

I frowned. “You know, Tony, you could just tell him so. You don’t have to tear yourself apart demonstrating it.”

He grinned at me. “That wouldn’t be nearly as much fun. Besides, saying it doesn’t make it true.
Doing
it makes it true.”

I watched him walk away, and thought about his words. He was right, really. He’d enrolled in classes at a community college, in a program that would lead him to a four-year university, and had already been promoted to manager at the fast food restaurant. My dad was so impressed with Tony’s progress and newfound sense of responsibility that he surprised him with a secondhand VW Golf. The fact that they were on speaking terms again had been progress, and my dad’s pride had been twice as valuable to Tony, given the events of the past year.

My dad, for his part, had softened with the time apart. He’d missed us badly after we left Chile, and had come back to the U.S. with a gentler heart. We’d discussed the situation as a family, and had all agreed that everyone was at least partially at fault. We’d also decided, though, that it was best to go forward as a family again, and with everyone’s best interests in mind. It was a brand new attitude from my father, who had always played ruling patriarch, and Tony and I were making the most of it.

As part of the new agreement, my dad had decided that it was time for me to learn to drive. As old fashioned as he was, my dad insisted that I learn to drive on his manual transmission pick-up truck.

“Driving a stick shift will make you a better and more conscientious driver, trust me,” he muttered, showing me into the driver’s side.

“I’m not sure I want to be either,” I joked, looking from the steering wheel to the stick shift, and experimenting with the clutch and brake. I’d seen people driving, of course, but I’d never considered the possibility that I might learn to do it so soon. We’d always planned to move to Chile before I turned sixteen, so I would have learned there rather than here.

Now, everything had changed. My dad and I spent the next three weeks struggling with the learning process. I couldn’t get the timing of clutch in-shift-clutch out, and stalled the truck every time we came to a stop or a hill. I even managed to stall the truck on the freeway once, which led to an alarming episode of my dad jumping into the driver’s seat, pushing me out of the way, and taking over. After that, we stayed on small residential streets until I got the hang of it.

In the end, it was all worth it. Within weeks of getting my driver’s permit, my dad took me car shopping.

“A belated birthday present,” he told me, smiling tenderly. “I wasn’t in the best mood on your birthday, and I don’t think you would have accepted anything from me in any case.”

I smiled at him, wondering at the change, and looked around us. We were at a used car lot, “seeing what was out there,” as my dad told me. We looked at a couple of cars in the row, then found a small, sporty gray Honda Civic. It boasted a sun roof and of course, manual transmission. We took one look at the car, then looked at each other and nodded. My father pulled cash out of his pocket and paid the dealership then and there, and I drove the car home. I was the first one in my group of friends to own a car, and the only sixteen year old in my class who drove herself to school. I couldn’t have been happier.

***

The car gave me status and easy transportation, and provided some valuable opportunities for movement. I was responsible for my own transportation, now, and didn’t have to ask anyone to take me anywhere. I used that to put myself in the right places at the right times. I’d started paying close attention to Tom and his movements the second week of school, and knew his new schedule. I pinpointed his whereabouts between periods, and watched where he went before and after school. I couldn’t help myself; I knew that it was a bad idea, but missed him terribly, and wanted to know how he was doing. I was dying to talk to him, but made sure that I was never seen close to him.

I was careful, though, and went out of my way to avoid walking through areas of the campus where we might run into each other. I always walked the other way if I saw him coming toward me. I realized that every teacher on campus knew my name, and wondered if they’d been told to stay away from me. I became convinced that they were all watching me, and waiting for me to slip up and be seen with Tom. In return, I became determined to lie low and stay out of Tom’s way. The last thing I wanted was for a member of faculty, or the students, to see Tom and me within 5 feet of each other.