Authors: Kracken
The friendly eyes were suddenly not so friendly. The tone of the man’s voice strove to sound disappointed instead of angry. “Okay, well, short notice, I suppose. Maybe, tomorrow?”
Not in a million years
, Donny thought, but he kept that behind his teeth and gave a noncommittal shrug, instead, as he went back to work on his fish. The man could take that however he liked.
Donny cut himself, dunked his hand in a ready bucket of disinfectant meant for the table, and then kept working. The man was silent, now, but Donny could almost feel the man’s attention. Donny tried to remember his name as he finished the fish and began prying open crabs so that their shells could be stuffed with some gourmet chef’s concoction. His mind drew a blank.
Did he remember any of their names? Donny racked his brain and came up empty. Was he still thinking that he was too good to associate with people that he used to consider lower class? Of course he didn’t want to make friends with drug users, but a few of the others weren’t really that bad.
Donny glanced up from his work and looked at his coworkers. None of them would have looked out of place in an ally, drinking cheap booze out of a paper bag, or in a police lineup of probable suspects. Elbow deep in fish guts and bone weary, he supposed that he didn’t look much better. It was possible that they were all just like him, needing a break to get them into better situations.
“Maybe, this weekend?” Donny said suddenly and the man across from him blinked as if he had forgotten their earlier conversation. He grunted in the next moment and put on a smile that made Donny nervous. It was almost predatory.
“Sure thing,” the man replied.
“Maybe some of you guys want to join us for a drink?” Donny asked the others uncertainly.
The man’s smile turned into a frown and he joined Donny in waiting for the others to respond. They were slow, thinking it over, and then there were a few positive responses. That seemed to make the man across from Donny frown even more.
Donny was suddenly glad that they were going to have company on their night out. Something about the man tripped all of Donny’s alarm bells.
Donny tried to pay attention to names after that. He caught the name of the man who had started the
night out
conversation near the end of his shift. Carl Cranston. He made sure to use it as he was heading for the door.
“See you, tomorrow, Carl.”
Carl only nodded as he dragged on a jacket and headed out into the night.
“Did you call for taxi service?” Dan said as he stepped into view.
Donny stepped out of the doorway to let others get by and shoved hands into his pockets. “I, uh, I was wondering…”
“If I can take you somewhere other than back to Peter’s apartment?” Dan guessed. He motioned to where his car was parked and they began walking that way.
“Your brother is such a great guy…” Donny began.
“I know,” Dan replied irritably, “So we can skip all the pleasant formalities and get down to brass tacks. You made my brother fall for you and now you’re cutting and running?”
“Did he tell you that he fell for me?” Donny wondered sharply as his heart skipped a beat.
“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” Dan replied. He opened the passenger side door for Donny, but blocked his way as if his answers were payment for his ride.
It
was
obvious and Donny cursed himself silently. “I didn’t want that to happen. I tried… I really tried… I just…”
“Just, what?” Dan asked. “You just couldn’t help using him?”
Donny retorted hotly, “It’s not like that at all!”
“Then tell me how it is?” Dan demanded.
“I…. I care about him,” Donny admitted and ran hands that still smelled like fish, over his face in despair. “God! I think I even love him.”
“You just met. It’s only been-”
“I know that!” Donny retorted, “But it’s true. He’s sweet, caring, giving, loving, attentive, gentle… Everything!”
Donny realized that he was shouting and throttled down on his emotions. He looked around nervously but his coworkers were all heading for the bus stop or the car park in the other direction.
“I’ve got nothing to offer him, though,” Donny continued. “I can only bring him down and make him miserable. I don’t know where my life is going, but it’s been in a fucking bad direction so far. He deserves someone better than me. That’s why I need to leave his place and find another place to stay. If I have to sleep ten to a bed in some halfway house, sign me up.”
Dan moved out of Donny’s way and motioned him to get into the car. When he was in as well and pulling away from the curb, he wrinkled his nose at the fish smell and rolled the window down.
“It’s late,” Dan said. “I’ll take you to my place. We’ll decide what to do with you in the morning.”
“I left a message on Peter’s answering machine,” Donny informed him. “I didn’t want to worry him.”
“Did you explain your sudden need to relocate?” Dan wondered worriedly.
He hadn’t. He had given a disjointed speech that had sounded suspiciously like,
It’s not you, it’s me.
Donny crossed his arms tightly, feeling defensive. “I didn’t know what to say. I told him I wasn’t someone he needed in his life and that I wasn’t going to freeload anymore.”
Dan thought about those words in silence, maybe considering how Peter would take them when he played the message back.
It hit Donny then that this was Peter’s day off. He might have been doing something that had prevented him from answering the phone, but his apartment wasn’t so big that he couldn’t hear Donny in every room leaving his message.
“He didn’t call you?” Donny wondered softly.
“No, but that’s his M.O. when he gets dumped,” Dan replied tightly. “He’ll call work and do a double shift so he doesn’t have to think about it.”
“I didn’t dump him!” Donny protested hotly.
“You didn’t want to get involved,” Dan pointed out, “and there are good reasons for that. If I could have stopped Peter from taking you in, I would have. I know what he’s like. He didn’t have a chance against someone like you.”
“Like me?” Donny glared, but then looked down into his lap sullenly. “Yeah, like me. I wanted him. I couldn’t put the brakes on it. Peter made it too easy to step over the line. If I hadn’t left…”
“There would have been used condoms in the trash?” Dan growled angrily.
“Yeah,” Donny admitted. “I think so… No, I know so. We both wanted it.”
“Do you want to cut ties with him completely?” Dan asked, visibly trying to calm his temper.
“I don’t want to forget him, if that’s what you’re asking,” Donny replied.
“You both have self esteem issues, you realize?” Dan sighed as he turned into a parking garage. “You both think that you aren’t good enough.”
“I’m not,” Donny agreed.
“Well, Peter is,” Dan told him as he chose a parking space, pulled in, and then put the car in park. He turned to Donny, very serious. “If you want him, make the effort to clean yourself up and make yourself worth it, too.”
Donny stared and then said hesitantly. “I thought you were going to say that I was worth it already.”
“Is it true?”
“I would have said that you were full of bullshit, actually,” Donny hazarded.
“I don’t do bullshit,” Dan retorted, “and I don’t put up with freeloaders. You are not staying permanently with me. In fact, if you give me any indication that you’re not making an effort to move out, I’ll cut you loose.”
Somehow Donny doubted that Dan would actually cut him loose to wander the streets. Like Peter, the man was a giver. More than likely he would hand Donny off to someone used to hard core cases.
“I want exactly what you do,” Donny told him, “Only I want to do better than gutting fish as a career some time soon; very soon.”
They climbed out of the car and Donny heard Dan sigh after the slam of the door. “You left most of my job questionnaire blank. That doesn’t give me much to work with. You had money, privilege, and connections, and yet you didn’t go to college or learn anything useful. That means that you have to work lower paying jobs until you learn something that you can use to further your career. Baby steps…hard baby steps.”
Donny jammed his hands into his back pockets as they walked through the darkened parking garage towards an elevator. People recognized Dan and everyone seemed glad to see him. Why not? Donny thought. Dan and Peter were givers, not takers. Anyone could appreciate what great people they were.
They entered the elevator and the ride up to Dan’s floor seemed endless. Donny noticed his reeking smell of fish and was both embarrassed by it and depressed. “You’re right, that I wasted a perfect opportunity to learn from the best when I was with my father. I never thought my life there would end.”
“Peter told me what happened when you came out to your father. You could have stayed in the closet,” Dan pointed out as they finally reached his floor and stepped out. “Why did you tell your father that you were gay? From what you’ve told me you were the selfish, spoiled son of the mayor. It doesn’t seem in character to suddenly sacrifice your position there.”
Donny snorted derisively, “I made decisions that were selfish and immature. That one was immature. I wanted to piss him off. I wanted him to swallow it and still keep the money train running. I just…” he paused, overwhelmed emotionally as he recalled the terrible things his father had said to him. He continued with difficulty, “I wanted him to accept me completely.”
“That doesn’t sound immature,” Dan replied as he put his key into a lock and opened his apartment door.
Dan led the way into the apartment, keeping his back turned to Donny to give Donny a moment to recover.
Donny took a deep breath and heard himself sniffle. Wiping at his nose, he covered by muttering, “Damned flu.”
Dan didn’t call him on the lie as he tossed keys into a wicker bowl on a side table and said, “Welcome to my home.”
If Peter’s decor was the definition of safe and comforting, Dan’s was the very definition of eclectic and disconcerting. The man loved yellow and orange. A light yellow wall sported a huge painting of a bright orange flower. The carpet was a darker yellow. The furniture was rust orange and looked like reproductions of stiff, uncomfortable creations from the seventies. The kitchen had an island off to one side that was orange with a bright yellow countertop. A rack above it, held hanging goblets that were like brightly colored balloons of all colors.
Donny was looking stunned and couldn’t help it.
Dan chuckled. “Like it?”
“Is it rude to ask if a carnival broke in and redecorated?”
“Not at all,” Dan replied airily as he motioned towards an open door leading into the bathroom. “You can criticize all you like, after you take a bath, though. There’s a robe that you can use on the back of the door.”
“Thank you,” Donny said, meaning a hell of a lot more than just a chance for a shower.
Dan’s cell rang. He glanced at the number. “It’s Peter. Go ahead and take that shower while I reassure him that you’re all right.”
As Donny went into a bathroom painted robin egg blue with sea green curtains, towels, and a line of green glass subway tile making a chair rail around the wall, he heard Dan say in exasperation, “I told you he’s fine, Peter! Safe, warm, about to shower… Yes, I will make sure he eats and gets plenty of rest. Yes, I know that he still has the flu. No, it isn’t your fault. He just needs space to get his life together, Peter. No, I will not apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Donny closed the door reluctantly and turned on the water. As it steamed and he undressed, he felt a sense of depression so heavy that it felt like an actual weight on his shoulders. If only he had his shit together, he thought angrily. If only he had something to offer Peter except complete dependency.
Donny tried to imagine getting a good job, wearing suits and ties, and living in an expensive apartment. He tried to imagine Peter waiting for him and then shocked and pleased when Donny finally swept back into the man’s life to start a relationship. The fantasy wouldn’t come clear. Donny didn’t have that kind of confidence or the belief that Peter would want to wait for him.
As Donny scrubbed hard to remove the fish smell from his skin, he also wondered if, given back at least a part of his life, if he would revert to form and become, once more, the spoiled son of the Mayor. He remembered his father saying that people didn’t change. Would Peter become
beneath him
once more, someone to get him a drink or bring around the limo, but not a
real
person to deserve his notice?
Donny scoffed at himself as he turned off the shower with a vicious move. Firstly, he was insane for imagining that he could work his way back to affluence without an education or job experience. Secondly, the very idea that he would dismiss Peter from his thoughts as unimportant, because of a change of circumstances, wasn’t even a faint possibility. His father was wrong, Donny thought, a person could change. He wasn’t going to go back to being a party boy looking for his next lay or bottle of expensive alcohol.
Wrapping his robe around him, Donny went back into the living room. Dan was putting a meal on the small, orange kitchen table that looked fresh from the table of a five star restaurant. Steamed asparagus and mushrooms with beef tips in a light sauce, filled the small apartment with a wonderful aroma.
“No yellow plates?” Donny asked.
“Haven’t found any the right shade of yellow yet, but I will,” Dan told him with an air of a man used to criticism about his décor choices.
“If I ask if you’re gay, will that sound like stereotyping?” Donny asked as he took a seat at the table.
“I’m not and it is,” Dan retorted, but then smiled and shrugged. “I like bold colors. They’re fun.”
Donny took a mouthful of the beef tips and hummed appreciatively. “This is good. Thank you.”
Dan sat down and began eating as well. “After a long day, good food and a relaxing evening are requirements of mine.”
Donny felt the unspoken criticism. “Sorry.”
Dan held his fork poised and regarded Donny thoughtfully. “After listening to my brother, I can understand why you felt the need to leave. In fact, I commend you. He is… very much…involved with you.”