Authors: Kracken
Donny swallowed his bite of donut and asked, “Want a donut and some coffee?”
The young man narrowed eyes at him, dropped the books, and ran out. The breakfast club outside didn’t even look his way. Donny frowned, understanding, then, that this must be a daily occurrence.
“Greg will be by soon to
steal
some books!” Burton suddenly called from the office. “Let him. He eventually brings them back.”
“He does?” Donny replied in disbelief and then, apologetically, “I think I scared him. He ran off without the books.”
“Damn!” Burton grumbled. “I wish that I hadn’t forgotten. You’ll have to come into the office with me, from now on, so that he feels safe enough to
steal
more books.”
“Why not just openly give them, uh, let him borrow them?” Donny wondered as he tossed his empty paper coffee cup and wiped at his mouth with a napkin.
“It’s better if he can claim that he stole them in order to sell them,” Burton replied as he came out of the office with a few magazines. “That way his friends won’t
diss
him.” He grunted in sour amusement. “I think I’m using the right word.”
“I wouldn’t know,” Donny admitted.
They both watched the morning regulars finish their breakfast and leave, books and magazines left on the table. A man walked by and grabbed a magazine without missing a step.
“Nice neighborhood,” Donny growled in annoyance as he moved to retrieve the books before they disappeared as well.
“It is, actually, but it has its elements just like anywhere else,” Burton replied as if Donny were being impertinent.
When Donny returned with the books he began looking around the shop to discover where they belonged.
“When you’re done re-shelving books,” Burton told him, “Start with the first shelf and organize alphabetically. Dust while you’re at it. It’s been too long since I’ve had someone young enough to read the small titles on some of those books.”
Burton didn’t wear glasses. Donny didn’t state the obvious that maybe he needed some. Instead, he started working while Burton cleaned around the register. If the fish restaurant had taught him anything it was to work hard and shut up about his own opinions.
A few more people stopped for donuts and coffee. Actual customers were few and far between. Burton spent a great deal of time talking to them while Donny worked, confirming that even those customers were regulars.
The man needed to advertise, Donny thought, spruce up the storefront, add some more magazines and more new titles, and make an internet presence, if he hadn’t already. Seeing how ancient the cash register was, and the well worn calculator beside it, Donny guessed a web presence was a very remote possibility. Burton probably didn’t even own a computer.
“Do you have a place to stay?” Burton asked as he turned the open sign in the front window to
closed
at the end of the day.
“Yes. It’s about the size of a shoebox,” Donny replied, as he placed the last table inside the shop, “and I have to share the bathroom with neighbors who are on a first name basis with all the cops, but it’s home.”
“You don’t sound enthusiastic about the place,” Burton observed. “I have a room upstairs that you can use. It’s small as well, and ancient, but it has a private shower and toilet. I wouldn’t mind having someone here at night to watch over the place.”
“How much is the rent?” Donny asked, trying not to sound eager.
Burton made a dismissive gesture with a wrinkled hand and replied, “Nothing. Watching the place will be part of your duties as my employee. I don’t expect you to come crashing down here with a bat, if you suspect the shop is being robbed, but I do expect you to at least call the police.”
“Have you been broken into before?” Donny wondered.
“A few times,” Burton replied, not sugar coating it. “I don’t leave cash here, so they vandalized the shop.”
“Do I have time to take a look at the room?”
“Go ahead. As I said, it’s small, so it won’t take much time to look at it.” Burton sighed, “Not that I have any pressing matters at my own home. I’m certain Biggles can wait a few more minutes.”
“Biggles?”
“My bulldog,” Burton replied as Donny searched for and found an old stairway at the very back of the shop. The steps were covered in book boxes and unsorted volumes of an encyclopedia set. “The cat and Biggles don’t get along. That’s why I keep the cat in the shop.”
Donny climbed the steep stairs to the door at the top. It had a cheap sign that read,
private
. Opening the door, Donny smelled musty disuse, but wasn’t displeased by the interior. It was small, an attic space converted into living quarters in a hodge-podge fashion on the cheap. The bathroom was a closet with a shower and a toilet that had both seen better days. The bed was sagging and had a metal frame. The kitchen was a counter with an old chipped sink, a few cabinets, and a hot plate with a frayed cord. A spot on the floor was small, square, and a little cleaner than the surrounding floor. If there had been a refrigerator there it was now missing.
Donny checked the door and found that it locked. That made his decision ridiculously easy.
“I’ll take it!” he called down the stairs. “Is there a spare key?”
It was then that Donny understood that Burton trusted him. When he descended the stairs the man handed over two keys, one to the door and one to his shop, without comment or hesitation. The keys felt warm and special in Donny’s hand.
“It was a good first day, Donny,” Burton told him. “I think you’re going to work out fine, here.”
“I hope so, Mr. Burton,” Donny replied as he leaned down to pet the cat winding around his legs.
Was it really what he wanted, though? Donny wondered as he helped Burton close the shop and then took the bus back to his apartment. Was there going to be a next step, another rung up the ladder? If so, where did he want that ladder to go? The goal had been independence and finding his self worth, but what if it was a day job as a bookseller’s assistant and accepting that this was who he was?
It didn’t seem a lofty enough goal. Was that his father talking, though? Was he still measuring himself by his father’s yardstick, the one that said that he wasn’t anyone unless he gained an executive position? His father also placed being straight on his bucket list of success. In light of that fact, measuring his success by his father’s ideals wasn’t the best strategy, Donny realized.
So then it came back to the question of what it was that Donny Kirkpatrick wanted. He definitely wanted independence. He also wanted a job that he enjoyed, treating himself with respect, not being self destructive in his habits, and a relationship with Peter. Finally, long term, he hoped for a business of his own. That last was tantalizing, though he was finding it hard to imagine what he wanted to sell or what service he wanted to offer.
Dan was waiting for him in his room, his hand cupped around something as if it were important. It was. He showed the small photo of Peter.
Donny took it gingerly.
“Not very big,” Dan apologized, “but still a good photo of my brother.”
Peter was in full uniform with a medal pinned to his chest. If Donny had any doubts about a deeper attraction to Peter, the photo disproved it. His heart tightened in his chest and it was all he could do not to call the man then and there and screw bettering himself first.
“I’ll take good care of it,” Donny said instead, throttling down on that emotion with difficulty.
“I know you will,” Dan chuckled, “but that’s a copy. You can keep it.”
Donny found himself smiling as he pulled out his wallet and tucked it inside. God! He had it bad. He could only hope that Peter felt the same way.
As if reading his mind, Dan said, after clearing his throat uncomfortably and taking the photo that Donny handed him of himself, “Peter will probably put this next to his bedside. I don’t really understand how you two fell for each other this hard, but I worry that you’re both… compensating.”
That stung and Donny felt a flash of anger. “I’m not using him!”
Dan frowned, “I wasn’t saying that. I meant, compensating; as in, grabbing on to each other because you feel emotionally starved. Peter only knows rejection. You’re the first person who hasn’t either used him or run for the tall weeds when they realized what kind of man he is.”
“What do you mean by that?”
Dan smiled at Donny’s suddenly defensive posture. “I’m not insulting my brother,” he assured Donny. “I’m saying that most people go for the uniform and the good looks, but then can’t handle the long hours, late nights, and the danger of his job. You also must admit that my brother is not the most exciting man on the planet. Dull is an understatement.”
“He’s not dull!” Donny protested hotly. “He’s… solid, dependable, kind…”
“Which brings me to your half of this equation,” Dan pounced. “Isn’t that what you’ve been wanting?”
Donny frowned as he began putting his things in a bag. “I won’t deny it, but that’s not why I’m…” In love, he wanted to say, but he had a feeling that Dan would criticize that assertion in light of how short a time they had been together. “It’s more than that and I can’t explain it to you. It’s just…” He struggled as he closed the suitcase and hauled it up by the handle. “Something happens when I’m with him. It’s strong. It’s different from anything I’ve ever felt for anyone.”
Dan sighed, still not understanding. Donny supposed that a person who had never felt that way couldn’t understand it.
“I really hope that you two aren’t heading for disappointment,” Dan sighed. “I’ve told you already that making someone else your goal, instead of your personal achievement, often leads to failure.”
“How do I fail?” Donny scoffed. “Is failure for me, going back to my father, pretending I’m not gay, and living the life of a privileged only son?”
Dan wasn’t going to let him get away with that. He replied seriously, “Failure for you is going back to being self destructive. Do I have to remind you that my brother first found you face down on the sidewalk, passed out drunk, after having sex with a stranger? That you were arrested for prostitution? If you focus on a person, instead of your own self improvement, you can easily lose sight of your real goal.”
Donny winced, but his next question was important and it needed an answer, because Donny suspected that Dan had a great deal of influence where it involved Peter’s decision making. “Where have you set the bar? What do I have to do to prove to you that I’ve reached my goal?”
Dan replied, “Consistency is the bar. If you keep your job and remain self sufficient, even when things get rough, and you refrain from self destructive behavior for a long period of time, then you’ll be ready, I think, to consider a relationship.”
Donny smiled tightly. “My father offered me a bank account and an expensive apartment. I turned him down. I have a job and a place of my own. I might even buy a cell phone next week and open up a checking account. That’s proof, isn’t it?”
Dan looked pleased. “I wondered why you were packing.”
“I guess I didn’t explain,” Donny chuckled. “I don’t need government assistance any longer, Dan Parker. Thank you for everything.” He hefted his suitcase in one hand and held out his other for Dan to shake. “There should be awards for people like you,” Donny told him. “You deserve a stage and a lot of cheering people. It’s crap that people like my father are the ones who get it, instead.”
“My reward is seeing someone get back on their feet and live a good life,” Dan replied with some embarrassment. “That’s better than an award sitting on a shelf and collecting dust.” He looked suddenly concerned. “This isn’t goodbye, is it?”
Donny snorted as he headed for the door. “No. You’re very good moral support. Besides, I hope to make you my brother in law, eventually, if things work out with Peter.”
Dan shook his head in disbelief, “I still say you’re both clinging, and that no one can show that much interest in another person that quickly.”
“Are you objecting because we’re both men?” Donny paused in the doorway, frowning. “You seemed accepting of the fact we’re gay. If you’re not…”
Dan rolled his eyes and retorted, “Don’t be ridiculous! Love in general is a physiological reaction to conditions, hormones, and physical attraction. Once the sex is over, reality and common sense kick in. People re-evaluate and decide that it really wasn’t love at all.”
Donny saw tightness in Dan’s expression that told him of past pain. “You’re a lot like Peter, aren’t you? You give everything to your career and can’t find someone who can get past the physical and accept who you are.”
“Women don’t like to come second in anything, especially to a drug addict who needs someone to nursemaid him until he detoxes for the third time.” Dan wiped a hand over his face as if wiping off the emotion. He smiled and shrugged. “Peter and I have both
‘been there’
. Peter still remains optimistic, but I’m afraid I’m the cynic of the family when it comes to relationships.”
“It could be your choice in loud colors,” Donny replied, trying to lighten the mood.
Dan laughed and nodded. “Could be that, too.”
“If you’re done with the lecture, I’m going,” Donny told him. He scribbled down an address and a phone number and handed it to Dan. “This is where I’ll be staying now. Thanks for everything.”
“You’re welcome,” Dan replied as he followed Donny out of the apartment and closed the door behind them. “Call me if you need anything.”
“I will,” Donny replied automatically, but then thought to himself that he probably wouldn’t. Whatever happened, he couldn’t imagine himself backsliding so badly that he needed Dan’s help again. It was time to let Dan help those who needed him the most, not a coddled, out on his luck, rich man’s son.
Ralph met them near the door with a broom in his hands and a puzzled look on his face as he caught sight of the suitcase. He sighed in the next instant as he realized that it was Donny’s moving day. “Too bad,” he said with a shake of his head. “I liked you.”
“Thanks,” Donny replied with a smile, “For everything.”
Ralph smirked and began sweeping again. “I’d say, keep in touch, but it’s better if you do so well, that you forget about places like this… unless you do so well that you can give some charity to help out?”