I frowned at him and was taken aback by what he was trying to say. “I’m keeping this baby, Dr. Stevens. That’s not even a consideration for me.”
“Okay. I just wanted to raise that issue now before we talk about your other test result. You should know that the further along you are in your pregnancy, the more complicated it would be for you to change your mind—”
“I appreciate your concern,” I interrupted him, “but an abortion is just out of the question.”
“Okay, here are the results to the other test we had done.”
He handed me the document, and before he began to speak again, my eyes zoned in on the word I feared the most—the one word I didn’t want to see today.
Oh my God, I’m pregnant with his baby…
The gravity of the news blindsided me, and I found it hard to breathe. I’d known the tests could all come out this way. I’d known it was a big possibility. I’d thought I’d been prepared for this. I’d thought I had mentally braced myself for the one thing I didn’t want to become a reality.
But I’d been wrong.
The test results left me speechless and in shock, and I felt my mind and body violently rejecting what this all meant.
Am I strong enough to get through this? Can I face this alone if Damian abandons me when he finds out?
I feared the moment that I had to tell Damian that I was pregnant, but what I feared even more than that was having to tell him everything. I knew deep down that he would probably leave me the minute he found out.
I stared blankly at Dr. Stevens. I watched his mouth move, but I couldn’t hear a word he was saying. The only thing I heard was a loud buzzing that rang in my ears as the shock of the news hit me hard. My mouth opened and I wanted to tell him that I didn’t believe him, that this wasn’t really happening to me, but somehow I couldn’t seem to make a sound or move. The room began to spin around me as a dark, heavy fog fell over me and I watched as Dr. Stevens and the room disappeared into the blackness.
***
I walked home in a daze, unable to process or accept the test results from today.
Maybe the lab made a mistake? Maybe there was a hiccup somewhere and the tests came out wrong? Maybe this is all just a bad dream and I’ll wake up any minute now?
But deep down, I knew that the test results were accurate and I wasn’t in some nightmare. Dr. Stevens had warned me that this was a strong possibility and that we had to plan for it. But when I’d found out that the “strong possibility” turned out to be the
reality
, I couldn’t seem to accept it. In fact, my body hadn’t accepted it and I had fainted. I had woken up fifteen minutes later to Dr. Stevens’s and a nurse’s concerned faces looking down at me. Dr. Stevens had scheduled me in to see him again so we could plan out my pregnancy when I was feeling a little better. But really, would I ever feel better about these results?
My mind was still in a fog-like state when I arrived home. When my tired body collapsed onto my bed, the gravity of today’s events overcame me and I broke down and began to sob uncontrollably. As the streams of tears flowed down my cheeks, I wept for everything that had happened today, for everything I knew was about to happen to me, for everything I knew I was about to lose. I felt all the stress and worry I’d had from today’s results wash over my body like a dense blanket, sinking me deeper into the bed.
Hours must have passed me by as I lay in completely stillness on my bed, staring up at the ceiling in a wide-awake comatose state. When my phone beeped and brought me out of my trance, I looked around and noticed that it was already dark out.
I looked over the alarm clock on my bedside table. 6:43 p.m.
Have I been staring at the ceiling for the last two hours?
I grabbed my phone and my breath caught in my throat when I saw that it was a text from Damian.
What are you up to? Beth told me she saw you walk past the bar early this afternoon. Did you get off work early?
I felt my body stiffen when I read the text. I had never thought living in the apartment complex above Damian’s bar would be a negative thing until now. I knew I couldn’t avoid him, not when we lived in the same building. And I knew I didn’t want to avoid him. So I texted him back:
Yes, I’m home early today.
As soon as I sent my text, he texted back:
Something wrong?
I froze at the sight of his question.
Can he tell that something is wrong?
I glanced nervously at my phone and then around my apartment—as if he were around to see my reaction.
No, nothing’s wrong. Just feeling under the weather.
I winced when I sent the text, knowing how much of a lie that was. A few seconds later, he responded:
Come down to the bar and hang out with me. It’s slow right now.
A part of me wanted to crawl under my duvet and avoid reality—avoid Damian. And yet another part of me wanted to talk to him, to be close to him, to see him, even if it meant that I had to lie to him until I was ready to tell him the truth. And it was that part of me that won over. I realized that more than anything else right now, I
needed
Damian. I needed the Damian I’d fallen in love with—now more than ever.
So I texted him back and told him I’d see him soon. I went to my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror.
I look like shit
. I groaned as I pressed my fingers against my puffy eyes. I turned on the faucet and splashed some cold water onto my face.
Maybe he’s not going to notice
.
I applied some makeup and looked at my reflection.
“Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay,” I repeated over and over again, hoping that the more I said those words, the more they’d become a reality.
But as soon as I thought I was calm enough to face him, my composure cracked and I started crying again. “Why?” I cried out as tears streamed down my face. “Why did this have to happen?” My thoughts went to Damian, and my heart ached at the thought of losing him. “Don’t I deserve happiness?”
I felt myself spiral down into a state of hopelessness as I saw the fairytale happiness I’d envisioned for me and Damian crumbling in front of me. Just like I had lost my parents ten years ago, I was going to lose Damian.
My hands moved to my stomach and I shut my eyes, trying to fight back the tears. “Look on the bright side, Alexis. You’re pregnant with a
baby.
Maybe it isn’t the best of circumstances, but that’s something to be thankful for, right?” My words felt empty as I tried to convince myself that things would work out.
Maybe things won’t be so bad. Maybe Damian will stay. Maybe his love for me is strong enough for this.
I laughed out loud at the thought, but they came out as sobs. I knew I was only kidding myself to think that Damian would stay in this relationship. I could tell something was wrong between us. He had seemed distant the entire week in Italy, which had scared me because that could only mean one thing: he was getting cold feet about being in a relationship. I knew that I was the first woman he’d ever been in a real relationship with. First I’d thought I was just being paranoid, but during our last day in Italy, I had told Damian that I loved him and he hadn’t said that he loved me in return.
If he is having regrets about telling me he loves me, how will he handle this news about my being pregnant with—
My thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of my phone.
Damian!
I immediately thought, and my heart skipped a beat.
I reached for the phone and felt both relieved and disappointed when I saw who was calling.
“Hi, Chris.”
My voice shook as I answered the call.
“Hey, hun. Are you back from the doctor? Did you get the test results?”
“Yeah.” I fought back the tears as I relived the visit in my head.
“So…what did the test results say?”
“I’m pregnant, Chris.”
“Oh shit. And what about the—”
“That came out the way we had suspected…” My voice trailed off as I felt my body tremble.
“Fuck, so it’s… I…I’m sorry, Alexis. I know this is not what you wanted.” There was a pause. “So what are you going to do? Are you going to keep it?”
I could hear the uneasiness in Chris’s voice. “It’s not an ‘it,’ Chris! And yes, I’m keeping the baby, even if it means—”
“Alexis, I know I’ve told you this several times already, but I know how independent and strong you try to be, but sometimes it’s okay to ask for help. I know we’re not together anymore, but I’ll be there for you and the baby if you want me to. You know that, right? I know I’m not nearby, but since my company just merged with the company based in San Francisco recently, I could put in a transfer and move out there to take care of you. All you have to do is tell me, okay?”
“Yeah. I know.” But honestly, I didn’t know what to do next, and I wasn’t ready to consider Chris’s offer to move to SF to take care of me and the baby. A part of me still hoped that Damian would be willing to do that when he found out the truth.
There was a moment of silence, and I could hear Chris fidgeting with something—a piece of paper?—on the other end of the line.
“Hey, so I could come into SF next week. There are some people I have to meet there about the merger. I can see you then.”
“You really don’t have to do that for me, Chris.” Part of me didn’t want to see him. I knew he felt responsible for me because of what had happened between us, but a big part of me still wanted to live in denial for a little longer. I knew that seeing him and talking about the situation with him would just make it feel more real and terrifying.
“Come on, Alexis. Now that my company has merged with the company in San Francisco, I’ll be in SF more often. Besides, you need someone to be there for you. Plus, do you really think your current boyfriend is the type of guy who will stick around to take care of you once he knows?”
A sharp pang of fear and shame rippled through me the moment Chris brought up Damian. I was riddled with guilt that I hadn’t told Damian anything, that it was Chris who was the first person to know, and that it was Chris, not Damian, who was here comforting me.
“Please don’t talk about him like that.”
“Alexis, I’m sorry. But you know me. I’m a blunt person. I know I did you wrong when I cheated on you. But I’ve apologized for that and we’re past that. You know I care about you, and I’m here for you. That’s more than I can say for this boyfriend of yours. From everything you’ve told me about him, he sounds like an asshole who cares more about fucking you than taking care of you.”
“Chris, how dare you!? You have no right to talk about him like that! He may have his issues, but he’s been amazing to me and he loves me.” Anger temporarily replaced my feelings of despair and guilt as my blood boiled at Chris’s harsh words.
“So why haven’t you told him that you’re pregnant then? It’s not you can hide that from him forever. And why haven’t you told him the truth about everything that’s going on if he seems to love you so much?”
Chris’s words shook me to the core, because as much as I hated him for saying it out loud, a part of me wondered this same thing.
Why haven’t I talked to Damian about this yet? This affects him too, and if he loves me, maybe he’ll be there for me.
“I
will
tell him. I…I just need more time.”
“But that’s just it, Alexis. You’re running out of time. You need to make some decisions on what your next steps are, and you need people who actually care about you to be there for you through this difficult time.”
“Chris, please. I know you mean well, but it’s not that simple. Damian
does
care about me. I just haven’t found the right time to tell him this. I didn’t want to believe all this was true, and I just found a few hours ago that it is. I’m barely processing all this myself. I’m just not ready to drop the news on another person right now. At least not today. Or even this week. I’m just not ready!” My words came out frantic as I tried to defend my actions.
I heard Chris sigh. “I’m sorry, Alexis. I shouldn’t have said those things. I’m just really emotionally charged right now and I was careless with my words. Please forgive me. I just want the best for you and for the baby.”
“I know. Look, I’m tired. It’s been one of the longest days of my life, and I feel defeated. Can we stop talking about this right now? Can we talk about something happy?” I was in tears again as I begged him to change the subject.
“I’m so sorry, Alexis. I wish I was there to hold you right now.”
“Yeah.” I wiped my tears with the back of my hand and tried to calm myself.
“Okay, so something happy. Well, I’m flying into San Francisco next Thursday, so let me take you out to eat. We can go somewhere nice. My treat, of course.”
“I’m not sure I’m up for that.”
“I’m not taking no for an answer, Alexis. You need to eat, especially now that you’re eating for two. The least I can do for you and the baby is to keep you both well fed and healthy.”
“I …” I was hesitant to see Chris again. He was the only one who knew the truth. I was already consumed with guilt for hiding everything from Damian. To spend time with Chris would only magnify that guilt.
“Come on. We don’t even have to talk about any of this. We can reminisce about the past and talk about whatever you want.”
“Okay, thanks. It’ll be nice to see you after all this.”
“Great. I can’t wait to see you. Iowa is just not the same without you here. You know that, right? Do you know that now I have to go out and
buy
my coffee mugs?”
I gave a subdued chuckle, knowing he was trying to cheer me up. “Thanks for that, Chris. I’ll be sure to make a few mugs for you when I’m at the pottery studio. Anyway, I need to get going. Keep me posted on next week, okay?”
“Okay. You take care of yourself and that baby.”