Just then my phone rang.
Damian?
I quickly reached for it on my bedside table. My body slumped in disappointment when I saw that it wasn’t him. It was Deb, my best friend.
“Hi, Deb.” My voice was dry, and I realized how thirsty I was.
You need to take better care of your baby
, I screamed at my absentmindedness.
“Hey, sweetie. How are you? I just got off my flight.”
“I’m fine. How was London?”
“It was awful. I was basically locked up in a conference room with a dozen other junior associates going through twenty years’ worth of emails for this client. If I didn’t have jet lag, I wouldn’t believe you if you told me I went to London. This is the part of being a lawyer that I hate.”
“That sounds terrible, Deb.”
“Enough about me. How are you? Any updates since we talked briefly the other day?”
I fought back a wave of tears and cleared my throat. “No.”
“What?” Deb shrieked incredulously. “He hasn’t called?”
Her question was a sharp knife to my heart.
“No, he hasn’t.” I tried to keep my voice even.
“What the fuck is wrong with him? He sounds like a total ass, Alexis. Maybe it’s a good thing that things ended sooner than later.”
Maybe Deb’s right. It’s better now than later. I can at least shield Izzy from the pain of an unreliable father.
“Alexis? You still there?”
“Yeah…”
There was a silence on the other end, and I could tell she wanted to ask me something.
“Do you want it to end, Alexis?”
Her question caught me by surprise. Up until now, I hadn’t thought about the situation from the angle of what I wanted. To me, it was more a question of whether or not it had indeed ended, and what I wanted had no room in that equation.
“No, not at all,” I admitted as hot tears welled up in my eyes.
“Then why don’t you talk some sense into him?”
“But he hasn’t called or stopped by since our fight.”
“Have you tried to call him?”
“No, but I want him to make the first move.”
“Why?”
I thought about it for a moment. “Because I want to know he’s ready to commit to me and the baby.” I quickly rubbed the tears from my eyes, refusing to let them fall down my cheeks. “Child or no child, I can’t force him to do something that he doesn’t want to do or isn’t even capable of doing. He’s been a bachelor through and through, and he’s made it clear from what he wants from me all the time that he’s not ready to settle down…”
“Honey, what are you most worried about here?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, before the fight happened, you told me that Damian had been doing a lot for you and that he was really changing. And the day after you guys had the fight, you told me that it was you who started the fight. I know it would be great if he would get his head out of the sand and come bang your door down with apologies. But the reality is, he’s not doing that right now. So if you really believe in this relationship and you really think that the fight was over something that can be fixed, then call him. What are you worried so much about that’s stopping you from being the one to reach out first?”
“Deb, I’m worried that he doesn’t want to be a father because he’s not ready for it.”
“But are you ready for it?”
“No. I’m freaking out,” I admitted.
“But do you want to be a mother despite that?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Then maybe Damian’s feeling the same way.”
“Yeah maybe.” I knew Deb was right, but there was still a part of me that was resistant and I wasn’t sure why.
“The important thing is you need to talk to him about these things. And not when you’re in the middle of a fight.”
“But, Deb, Damian is so scared of commitment. I’m worried he’ll run away when things get hard. Having a baby is a permanent thing, and I don’t want him to hurt us.”
“He’s the father of your child, Alexis.
That’s
permanent. You need to have some faith if you love this man.”
“Maybe you’re right.” I sighed. “I do need to talk to him.”
“Yes, and sooner than later. Hey, sweetie, I just got into the office now. I need to get back to work. Are you going to be okay?”
I could hear the doubt in her tentative voice.
“Yeah, I’ll be okay.”
“You sure? I can try to cancel my morning calls and we can talk a bit longer.”
I smiled at how much she was concerned over me. “I love you, Deb. Thanks, but I’m feeling a little better.”
“Good. I’m happy to hear that. Before I let you go, I want to remind you that you’re just too good of a person to not deserve happiness. You’re a fighter, and I know you want happiness more than anything in the world. So go and fight for that happiness, because I think it’s just around the corner for you. I can feel it. But right now, you just have to get to that corner.”
“Thanks, Deb.”
After we said our goodbyes, I hung up the phone feeling a bit more confident about what I wanted to do. Deb was right. I was a fighter, and I wanted to fight for my happiness. If not for me, then for my baby. I wanted her to grow up with a loving mother who was happy, just like my mother had been to me.
As I reflected on the last few months, I knew with absolute certainty that I loved Damian. He might not have been perfect, but he was trying. And to me, that was worth something.
Just as I was about to pick up the phone to call him, there was a knock at the door.
Damian!
A mixture of happiness and anxiousness came over me as I pushed myself off the bed and slowly walked to the door.
Maybe everything will be okay. It was such a silly fight.
I opened the door and gasped. It wasn’t Damian.
It was Chris.
“Hi. What—why are you here?” I stumbled over my words as I stared at him in confusion.
He was standing at my doorway with a bouquet of red roses. He smiled at me and leaned in for a hug.
“Hi, Alexis.” He looked me up and down when he pulled out of his hug. “You look good pregnant. These are for you.” He handed me the roses, and I could tell he was nervous about something.
I took the roses from him. Over the four years we had dated, he always got me red roses. I never once had the heart to tell him that I hated red roses. To me, they were as generic and unoriginal as white socks.
“Are you here on another business trip?”
“No, I…”
“You’re not? So what are you doing here in town?”
“I came because of you.”
I stared him wide-eyed, wondering if I’d heard him correctly. “For me?”
“Can I come in? I’d like to talk.”
“Um, yeah. Sure. Of course.” I let him in before closing the door. When we sat down on the couch, I turned to him. “What is this about?”
I watched him take in a deep breath. “Okay, I’m just going to come out and say it.” He looked at me and I saw the anxiety in his eyes.
“Say what?”
“I miss you, Alexis.” He placed his hand on top of mine.
I stood there motionless, unable to process his statement.
“Alexis, I know you and Damian had a fight a few days ago.”
I opened my mouth, about to ask him how he knew.
“Deb told me.”
“Why would Deb tell you?” I finally broke through my silence.
“She had sent me an email two days ago, asking me to give you a call and check in on you. She said that she was abroad for work and wasn’t able to talk to you in private, so she was concerned for you.”
“Oh.” I gave Chris a small smile. “Well, thanks for coming to check on me. I can’t believe you flew all the way out here for that. But really, I’m okay now.”
“That’s not the real reason I’m here,” he said quickly.
“It’s not?”
“Alex, I know I hurt you when I cheated on you last year. I really fucked up. We had been together for four years and I knew it was time for us to take the relationship to the next level. I even went to look at rings. But then I freaked out and slept with that girl. I was stupid. I—”
“Chris, it’s all in the past now,” I said, cutting him off. “Let’s not dwell on the past. I meant it when I said that I forgave you for all that.”
“There’s more, Alexis.” He took my hands into his and pulled them closer to his chest. I stared at him, stunned by his behavior. “I still love you, Alexis. After you moved away from Iowa, I couldn’t get you out of my mind. And when I saw you with Damian during my last visit, I realized how fucking stupid I was to have let you go.”
An audible gasp left my lips at his words.
Before I could think about how I was going to respond, he continued. “Look, I know you probably still love Damian. Those feelings don’t disappear overnight. But we loved each other for four years, and I want to believe that those four years meant something. I’ve seen firsthand the things that guy’s done to hurt you. I’ve seen him lie to you and intentionally cause you pain to make himself feel better. So when I heard from Deb that he hurt you again, I just couldn’t stand it any longer. It hit me right then that I still cared and loved you. So I booked the first flight out here to see you and tell you that I love you. I needed you to know that
I
won’t be the one to hurt you again.”
“Chris, I…” I looked into his eyes and saw the sincerity in his words. But I also knew that my feelings for him had changed. I did still love him, but it was a different kind of love. It was the same love I had for Deb. “I care about you, Chris. It really touches my heart that you dropped everything in your life to fly out here to see me when you knew I was in a bad place, but—”
He put his hand to my mouth. “Don’t,” he insisted. “Just hear me out. Please.”
“I—”
“Please, Alexis. I flew all the way here to talk to you. Please just give me another fifteen minutes to say what I wanted to say.”
I looked away from him and tried to figure out what to do.
“Alexis, I know the one big problem you have with Damian is that he’s not ready to give up his bachelorhood life, let alone be a father.”
I looked up at Chris, surprised by how accurate his words were.
“How did you know that?”
He chuckled lightly. “Alexis, I’ve known you for such a long time that I know how your mind works. And based on our conversations when you waiting for those text results and Damian’s behavior when I last visited you, it’s not hard to figure out what the problem is between the you two.”
“It’s not that big of a problem,” I argued.
He shook his head and gave me a sympathetic nod. “Come on, hun. Let’s not kid ourselves here. It’s a huge problem. Instead of asking you what was going on with you, he thought the worst and then orchestrated a scene in front of all those strangers so that you could catch him getting a blowjob from another woman. He did all that so he could watch you run off in tears.”
“But it didn’t actually happen,” I reasoned.
He shook his head in disagreement. “It doesn’t matter whether it happened or not. It matters that he intentionally did that to hurt you. It matters that he didn’t try to handle this privately between the two of you. It matters that he intentionally wanted to embarrass and hurt you in front of a bar full of people.”
Tears streamed down my face as Chris forced me to relive that low moment in my relationship with Damian. I didn’t want to think about the way Damian had treated me back then. I didn’t want to think about Damian as someone who could have ever chosen to hurt me like that.
“Why are you saying this, Chris?”
“I’m not trying to hurt you, Alexis. Quite the opposite! I want you to see the truth! I don’t want him to pull the wool over your eyes. You’re too smart for that.”
“Chris, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Damian has changed! I’ve seen it. No, he’s not perfect, and there are definitely things I’m worried about, but I still love him.”
“Alexis, I want you to think about your unborn child. I don’t think Damian is ready to be a father. He’s not reliable.”
“How do you know that?” As angry as I was at Chris’s words, I knew there was some truth to them.
“Open your eyes, Alexis! From what I can tell, he’s a player, and those types of guys don’t change. I mean, just look at his fucking bar! I see how all those women eye the bartenders and I’ve seen how that Damian Style shot works. He’s practically running a strip club down there! Do you honestly want your child to grow up with that kind of father?”
“Shut up, Chris! Just shut up!” I was in hysterics and wanted Chris to leave. I didn’t want to hear any of this.
“Why don’t you want to hear this, Alexis? Is it because you think I’m lying to you? Or is it because everything I’m saying makes sense to you and you don’t want to face reality?”
I shook my head frantically and buried my face in my hands.
“Alexis, I’m sorry. I really am.” Chris’s voice suddenly changed, and the forcefulness was gone. The warm, soothing voice that always comforted me had taken its place.
“I don’t think you should be here, Chris.” I looked away from him, wishing he would just leave.
“I don’t want to hurt you. I didn’t mean to make you so upset. I didn’t come here to talk about Damian. I came here to talk about us, Alexis. I know I’m not the father of your child. But I love you, and I can give you everything that you want and everything that Damian can’t. I have a stable, respectable job, and I can take care of you and your baby. I want to take care of your child like she’s my own.”
I looked up at Chris and something in the way he was looking at me took me back to the years we were so happy and in love. For a moment, I wondered if he was right. I wondered if he was a better option for me.
Can I love him again? Would he make a better father to Izzy?
I pictured Damian and felt my heart ache for him. I wondered if he really loved me. If he had loved me, why hadn’t he come by to see me? Why hadn’t he come by to take care of me when I was still battling cancer and six months pregnant with his daughter? Things were going to get increasingly harder in the coming months. After I gave birth to Isabella, I’d have to go through extensive radiation therapy. I’d need someone I could rely on. I’d need someone who would think about only my needs. I’d need someone responsible enough to take care of Isabella if something were to happen to me.