“Yeah, very.” I faked a smile.
“These photos really make me want to consider a natural holistic birth.”
A what?
I instantly pictures Alexis in one of those hippie, flowing dresses and cringed.
“But doesn’t that mean you wouldn’t be able to get an epidural? Wouldn’t it be painful?” I looked at her like she was a crazy woman.
“Yeah, but it seems so much more natural. Plus, woman have been giving birth like that since the beginning of time.”
“Right.” I wasn’t sure what to say. Alexis had endured enough pain already. I couldn’t understand why she wanted to go through more voluntarily.
She squeezed my hand and giggled at the expression on my face. “I’m just throwing out an idea. Relax. It’s just a thought.”
“Okay. I just don’t want to see you in any more pain than necessary.”
Before she could respond, a slideshow image on the back wall stole my attention.
“Ugh! That’s gnarly. What the fuck is that?” I exclaimed.
The entire room turned and looked at me. Every female in the room looked at me in disgust while several men snickered under their breath.
The hippie teacher gave me a look of disapproval before she explained, “Like I just explained, this is the placenta, which is the organ that connects the growing fetus to the mother. It serves as the conduit for oxygen, nutrients, and waste removal between the mother and fetus.”
“Oh. Right.”
I heard Alexis groan. From the corner of my eyes, I saw her shift a few inches away from me as she lowered her face to avoid the stares from the neighboring women.
“I don’t know about you, but that was still gross,” I whispered to Alexis.
She turned to me and glared.
After the slideshow ended, Alexis got up and asked me to help her to the restroom.
The thought,
Ohh, bathroom sex part deux!
popped into my head.
When we got inside the restroom, I pulled her toward me and felt the baby bump rub against the growth in my jeans.
“Damian!” she exclaimed. “What are you doing?”
“I just want to kiss you, baby.” I leaned down and tasted her mouth on my mine. A gasp escaped her lips and I smiled. My tongue explored hers as I deepened the kiss. “God, you’re so sexy pregnant,” I groaned between our mouth.
“Hey, cut it out. I need to use the restroom,” she hissed.
I snickered and backed her up against the wall, anchoring her wrists together against the wall. I felt my cock throb in anticipation of this moment.
It’s been too fucking long.
“Don’t play coy with me, baby. I know you’ve been wanting this too. I saw it in your eyes when we were doing those deep-breathing exercises. They totally ripped that out from the pages of the
Kama Sutra
.” I ran my hand down her arm and pulled her hand toward the bulge that was pushing out against my jeans.
“Damian, stop it.”
“Baby, can’t you feel how much I want you right now?”
“We need to get back to the class soon.” She struggled against my strong grasp.
“What we need is a reenactment of the hot bathroom sex we had in Italy.” My hand reached for her left breast. It’d been so long since I’d sucked on it.
“Don’t! Stop it!” She pulled her wrists out of my hand and pushed me off her. Before I could react, I felt her palm smack me hard across the face. “Will you lay the fuck off me?!”
I froze in utter shock as my face tingled at the spot where her hand had made contact.
“I thought you wanted this?” I asked softly. Confusion and frustration whirled around me as I saw the sheer look of repugnance on her face.
“You thought wrong,” she said flatly. “Can you please let me use the restroom in peace? We can talk about this later.”
As I walked out of the restroom, all I could think about was what had just happened.
Did I step out of line? Is there even a line to begin with? Or has Alexis changed?
***
We drove back home in complete silence. She stared out her window the entire time, refusing to look at me.
“Can we talk about this?” I demanded as I closed the door to her apartment behind me when we walked through the door.
She sighed and turned to me. “I’m tired, Damian.
Really
tired. I don’t want to get into this right now.”
“Well, I think we need to talk about this. I don’t know why the fuck you’re upset with me.”
“Fine.” She raised her hands up in frustration. “You’re right. I am upset with you.”
“But what for?” I looked at her in confusion.
“I’m upset that you don’t seem to take anything seriously. We’re having a fucking baby, Damian. This is permanent. This is not some girl you take home and don’t call the next day.”
I frowned at her comment. “I am taking this seriously! I’ve done everything you’ve asked me to and I’ve been here by your side this entire time! I drive you to chemo every week, I help you around your apartment, I even bring you your food regularly. All my free time lately has been around your needs. But what about my needs?”
“Damian, are you even ready to be a father? You know things are going to get harder before they get any better! Can you handle that without thinking with your head downstairs?”
“Alex, I’m not sure where this is coming from.” I was taken aback by her questions.
“Damian, you went out and, on an impulse, bought a vintage mustang.”
“So? That was before I knew that we were having a baby. That has nothing to do with whether or not I’m ready.”
“It doesn’t matter
when
you found out. What matters is that you still have it! Do you honestly think it’s even safe to drive a baby around in a two-door car?”
“That thought hadn’t crossed my mind yet.”
“Exactly, and that’s why I’m upset.”
“But I never said I was
ready
to be a father!” I cringed the second the words left my mouth.
“So you admit it, then?”
I forced myself to look up at her, to meet her eyes and show her that I was serious. She had taken control over so much of my life recently, but right now, I couldn’t let her control me.
“I never planned to be a father, just like you hadn’t planned on being a mother. I’m not prepared, Alex.”
“And you think I am? But I’m trying my best.”
“I’m trying my best too! But if you can’t see that, then I don’t know what else to say…”
She scoffed at me and shook her head in disagreement. “You weren’t even paying attention during our Lamaze class!”
“I was during the important portions when I helped you with the breathing and stretching exercises,” I said indignantly.
“And why do I have a feeling that’s only because it reminded you of sex?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “There are definitely some
Kama Sutra
techniques being taught in that class.”
“Argh! Damian, all you think about is sex and how you’re going to fuck me next!”
Her words felt like a blow to the stomach, and for a second, I was left in utter shock. But I recovered, and the frustration and anger quickly kicked in.
“What’s wrong with a guy wanting to fuck his girlfriend? Isn’t that what two people in love are suppose to do? We barely have sex anymore.”
“You don’t even get it, do you? I don’t want to have sex. I don’t feel sexy!”
“But, baby, you are
so
sexy. Why can’t you let me show you that? Why won’t you let me hold you anymore?”
“I need time, Damian. I’m not some
thing
you can just bang whenever you feel like it. I have feelings, I have needs, and I have times where I don’t want to have sex with you!”
“But we haven’t had sex for three weeks now!”
“Sometimes I wish you would stop badgering me for sex and go maul someone else!”
I flinched at her words, and from the look on her face, I knew she was equally surprised.
“You didn’t mean that, did you?” My voice was softer than before.
She shook her head and looked away from me.
A mixture of frustration and worry spun inside me. “I get it, Alex. I know things are hard for you, and I’ve been very patient. Do you know that I’ve jacked off by myself more times in the last two months than I’ve ever jacked off my entire life before meeting you? I’ve been more than just a little patient.”
“And there we go with the sex again, Damian! Why does it always have to be about sex?”
I glared at her. I’d never felt this rejection and anger before. The pent-up frustration that had been building up during the last few weeks overtook my mind and I couldn’t focus on a single rational thought.
“Alex, I’ve done everything you’ve wanted. But now
it seems like you’re asking me to change everything single thing about me: my desire for sex, my daily activities, and even what type of car I should drive.
What exactly do you want from me?”
She looked at me with pain in her eyes, causing my stomach to twist in anguish. “Nothing,” she said, sounding defeated.
“What do you mean, nothing?” The anger had left me, and what remained was a tired and defeated version of myself.
“It’s not what I want, Damian. It’s what you want.”
“I…I want things to be the way they were,” I blurted out.
“That’s not possible. I wish it were, but it’s not.”
“I don’t know what to say.” I let out a heavy sigh.
She was right. Nothing would ever be the way it once had been.
I wished I could understand what she was going through, what she was feeling, what she felt about me. But since her operation, she had grown more distant. She flinched when I touched her now. She rarely wanted to have sex. And she rarely smiled.
“Just go then.” She turned her back on me and I felt a sharp pain twist inside my chest.
“Maybe we need some time apart?” I whispered. I hadn’t meant it, but the words had just come out.
There was a pause before she responded. “That’s a good idea,” she agreed flatly.
“I…” I wanted to say something that would somehow delete this entire conversation from our memory, but there was nothing to say.
Alexis didn’t want me to be a part of her life right now and she’d made that clear tonight. I knew Alexis was not only physically struggling because of the cancer, but she was emotionally struggling because of it. I’d tried to be there for her, to do all I could to make her feel better, but she had grown distant. She didn’t want to talk about it, so she had shut me out from her emotions.
Maybe it’s time to give her the distance she seems to want and need.
I walked to the front door and opened it. I turned to take one last look at her before walking out the door.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Alexis
“Maybe we need some time apart?”
His words shattered my heart, and I fought back the tears. He had said all I needed to know.
Maybe he’s not strong enough to wait for me to get emotionally better?
As I heard him walk out the door, I felt as if a part of me were leaving with him—the happy version of me that I’d kept dormant for so long.
I stood there in silence as I felt a heaviness weigh down on my heart.
This is your own fault!
a voice inside me screamed.
That was true. I knew it was me.
Since my operation, I had lashed out against Damian time after time in the worst way possible: I’d shut him out.
I had become cold and distant, and despite his repeated attempts to be there for me, I had always focused and harped on the things he was doing wrong. For the last two months, he had continued to try to to chip away at the thick walls I’d put up between us. But I was in a dark place, and instead of allowing him to pull me out of it, the bitterness that festered inside wanted to drag him down with me. This type of lashing out wasn’t something he—or anyone for that matter—would be able to withstand forever.
And tonight, it seemed as if he had finally reached his breaking point. I’d seen the hurt and rejection in his eyes when I screamed at him, when I voiced out the one thing I knew he was most nervous about: whether he was prepared to be a father. At that moment, I hadn’t cared about his feelings. I’d wanted to hurt him. I’d wanted to make him angry. I’d wanted him to scream at me and maybe even snap at me. Because maybe then, when the pain inside me was too unbearable to hold in, I’d finally break down in front of him and he’d finally be able to pick up the pieces and pull me out of the darkness.
But instead of screaming at me or hitting me, Damian had done something far worse. He had walked out on me and our baby.
***
Grey, heavy clouds covered the sky, and the wind blew the rain in through the open bay window next to my bed, where I had been lying wide awake since 5:30 a.m. The wet, cold air felt good against my skin, waking me from the numbing sadness I felt inside.
It’d been three days since Damian and I had our fight, and I hadn’t spoken to him since. He hadn’t stopped in to check on me and he hadn’t texted or called me. I wanted to call him, to see how he was doing and to hear his voice again. But I hadn’t; my pride and bitterness kept me from reaching out, from apologizing to him.
At 7:00 a.m., my radio alarm came on. The familiar melancholy song
Both Sides Now
by Joni Mitchell filled the room. Tears streamed down my cheeks as the lyrics hit home.
“I really don’t know love at all either, Joni,” I sobbed out.
I thought about the last few months and everything Damian and I had gone through. I couldn’t believe how it had all ended so easily over a heated argument.
Is it really over?
That thought was the one thing I couldn’t get out of my mind.
If it is over, can I get through this by myself?
For the sake of my baby, I tried to convince myself of one thing: I couldn’t depend on anyone in my life, not even Damian. I had to be able to take care of everything myself. I wasn’t sure I could deal with any more disappointment. I couldn’t wait for Damian to come around, and I couldn’t let myself fall deeper down into the darkness. I had to keep fighting for Isabella.