As I realized that Alexis was my butter and breath, I held on to her a little tighter as she buried her face against my chest. “We’ll get through this together, baby. We will.”
We have to.
***
THREE WEEKS LATER
“How are you feeling this morning?” I quickly glanced over at Alexis before turning my gaze back to the road.
“Nervous. Scared. Anxious about what the doctor will say.” Her chest heaved up and down as she drew in several deep breaths.
I squeezed her hand gently with mine. My other hand clutched the steering wheel tightly as I focused on keeping calm—not for my own sake, but for hers.
Today was a big day for us. It was the first time I was taking Alexis to see her obstetrician.
“I can’t wait to find out if the baby’s healthy and how far along I am.” Alexis rubbed her stomach and grinned.
I took a deep breath and nodded my head. “I’m sure the baby’s healthy.”
“Are you excited?” She looked over at me with a concerned smile.
“Yes, of course.” I squeezed her hand again.
Truth be told, I was excited, but I was also a bit freaked out. It’d been almost three weeks since I’d found out that Alexis was pregnant with cancer, but even now, it still felt surreal and a part of me had a difficult time believing that things would ever change in our relationship. While our conversations had been focused on the baby and the cancer recently, everything else between us had remained the same. Alexis was still hot as hell and as feisty as ever, and our sex life was as active as it’d always been.
But I knew today would change things for us. Today would make things more real for me, and as much as I denied it, that terrified me. No matter how much I told Alexis I was ready for this, I wasn’t sure I was.
“What do you think it’ll be?” Alexis’s voice broke through my thoughts.
“Huh? What will what be?” I stole a glance at her as we pulled into the parking lot of the hospital.
She giggled. “Our baby, silly. They might be able to tell us if we’re having a boy or a girl.”
“Oh.” I swallowed hard. I had completely forgotten that today’s appointment was also her first ultrasound exam. I wasn’t sure what to expect, which made me that much more nervous.
“Are you sure you still want to know the sex?” I could hear the concern in her voice.
“Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I?” I gave her a reassuring smile.
“I know some people prefer for it to be a surprise. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t pushing you if you didn’t want to know.”
I chuckled. “Honestly, Alex. I don’t have a preference one way or the other. So if you want to know the sex of the baby, then I’m behind you a hundred percent.”
“Thanks.” She leaned over and kissed me on the lips. “And this is why I love you.”
“Oh, and here I thought it was for my boyish charm?”
She laughed. “What boyish charm? Are you sure you’re not confusing it with playboy charm? They’re quite different, you know?”
I smirked at how much I loved her feistiness. “If my playboy charm is the key to your heart and pussy, I’ll take it.”
“Watch your language!” I’d known it was coming, but I laughed anyway when it did. Alexis’s hand smacked me playfully on the chest.
“Ouch! Are you always this abusive with those you love?” I teased.
“Yes. As a matter of fact, I am. And last time I checked, the one I loved enjoyed that abusive side. And quite a bit, I might add.” She giggled as she gave me a sideways glance.
“Touché.” I laughed at her reference to the other night when she handcuffed me and spanked my ass before she gave me the most intense blowjob I’d ever had.
I parked and went around to her side of the car to open her door.
“Who knew a playboy can be such a gentleman?” she giggled.
“I’m no gentleman. I’m just buttering you up.” A devious grin spread across my face.
“And what exactly are you buttering me up for?”
“Hmm. I’m not sure yet. Put it on my tab.” I laughed and swung my arm over her shoulder as we walked toward the hospital.
“You’re silly.” She beamed at me. “So do you think we’re going to have a boy or a girl?”
“Your guess is as good as mine.”
“If it’s a girl, can we name her Isabella?” She looked over at me and I saw a twinkle in her eyes.
“Sure. That’s a pretty name. What made you think of that one?”
“It’s my mom’s name.” I saw a lone teardrop slide down her cheek as she smiled up at me. “And we could call her Izzy for short.”
I nodded. “Isabella it is.”
“What about if it’s a boy?”
“I like the name Damian Jr.,” I declared confidently.
Alexis rolled her eyes. “You would.”
“Oh, come on! I know you’re dying to have a little Damian Jr. running around—“
“And causing havoc? A little heartbreaker in the making?” She snorted at the thought. “Let me think about that for a second.” She paused for a second. “No.”
I laughed. “That’s cold! Come on. You got to name Izzy. I think it’s only right I get to name the baby if it’s a boy.”
She laughed and shook her head.
“At least think about it.” I gave her a wink and flashed her one of my dazzling signature smiles.
“You know that doesn’t work on me, right?” She rolled her eyes again.
I snickered. “Darn. Life would be so easy if it did.”
Thirty minutes later, I was standing next to Alexis, who was lying on a hospital chair.
“Okay, this might feel a little cold.” The nurse smoothed on some gel over Alexis’s exposed abdomen. She clicked on the machine and moved a transducer across Alexis’s stomach.
Within seconds, we heard a whooshing sound and a moving figure of a fetus appeared on the monitor.
I stared, gaping at the screen, unable to believe what I was seeing. My initial impulse was to run and escape from this permanent commitment. But then I heard something else.
Thrump, thrump, thrump, thrump, thrump.
I froze. Alexis gasped beside me. She had heard it too.
“Is that…?” I looked over at the nurse.
She smiled and nodded. “That’s the baby’s heartbeat.”
“Oh my God.” Alexis squeezed my hand and beamed up at me. I saw the tears of joy in her eyes, and I immediately felt happy. “That’s our baby,” she squealed.
“That’s our baby,” I repeated, sharing in her sense of joy and pride. I laughed in amazement as I stared back at the ultrasound monitor. I’d never thought about babies before, especially a baby of my own. But when I heard that tiny heartbeat, something changed inside me.
That tiny thing came from me!
“That’s a strong and healthy heartbeat.” The nurse smiled at us. “And it looks like you’re about twelve weeks along, Alexis.”
“That’s great!” I could hear the relief and excitement in Alexis’s voice as we both looked at the monitor.
“So I have here that you want to know what the sex of the baby is.” The nurse looked at a chart in front of her.
“Yes, we do,” Alexis said as she looked up at me with tears in her eyes.
I looked at the screen again, this time focusing on one area. A wave of pride washed through me as I saw a sizeable shape near the center of the baby.
“Oh shit, I see it! Look at that large pecker,” I said excitedly. “That’s definitely my son
Damian Jr
.” I nudged Alexis purposefully as I looked at my son’s large penis on the ultrasound monitor. I’d never felt so proud as I did at that moment. Even at twelve weeks old, my son was doing me proud.
The nurse cleared her throat. “Mr. Castillo?” She looked at me tentatively.
“Yeah.” I finally pulled my gaze away from the screen and looked over at her.
“Umm. What I think you’re seeing is the baby’s arm. You’re having a girl.”
I heard Alexis break into a fit of laughter.
“Oh.”
“Move over, Damian Jr. Hello, sweet baby Izzy.” She continued to giggle as she watched me recover from my surprise.
I cleared my throat. “Well, that’s a nice strong arm our baby girl has there.”
Alexis gasped for breath as she tried to stop laughing.
I snorted. “You’re not going to let me live this down, huh?”
“Nope.” She grinned up at me. “That’s what you get for trying to name our baby Damian Jr.”
“So here’s your sonogram photo you can take with you guys.” The nurse handed me the photo.
I took it and looked at it closely. “Okay, so
maybe
that would have been an abnormally large penis.”
“Just a little,” the nurse agreed. She stifled a giggle as she cleared her throat. “So we should probably schedule you in for your second trimester ultrasound exam in ten weeks.”
I laughed. “Poor Damian Jr.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
Alexis
Two Weeks Later
Somewhere outside of my consciousness, a high-pitched beeping was going off in regular intervals nearby. Muffled sounds of distant conversations and movement caused me to stir in my sleep. I slowly opened my eyes. The room was dim, and I could smell a hint of bleach in the stale air.
I groaned as I moved my head around and tried to remember where I was.
“Alex?” I heard his familiar, soothing voice next to me.
I turned toward that voice and saw him. Damian. His radiant blue eyes twinkled as he beamed down at me.
“You’re awake.” I felt his hand grasp mine.
“Where am I?” My mind was foggy and I couldn’t remember the last thing that had happened to me.
“You’re in the hospital, babe. You just had your mastectomy surgery a few hours ago.” I heard Damian’s voice crack slightly as he squeezed my hand. “You were so brave.”
“My surgery.” The fog from the anesthesia was slowly wearing off. I looked down toward my chest, and even under the blankets, I saw that the right breast was no longer there. A tear rolled down my cheek as the finality of my loss washed over me. “Can you help me get up? I need to go to the restroom.”
“Sure thing, babe.” His firm hands lifted me into a sitting position and helped me out of the hospital bed. “Do you want any help in there?”
I raised an eyebrow at him. “Really?”
“Oh no! I didn’t mean anything sexual by that. I really do mean normal help. Your upper body may still be stiff and sore from the surgery.”
I gave him a weak smile. “I know. I was just giving you a hard time. But really, I’d like to do this myself.”
He nodded. “I understand.”
When
I got inside the small bathroom, I locked the door behind me. I let out a heavy sigh as I let today’s event settle in my mind. I felt exhausted, more tired than I’d ever felt. It was as if I had fought a battle and I had lost. I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time since this morning before the surgery. I looked exactly the way I felt—worn down, pale, defeated. I could still see the puffiness in my eyes from the hours of crying during the days leading up to this morning.
My gaze landed on the flat chest on the right side of my hospital gown. I shut my eyes and swallowed hard.
Why me?
I gingerly peeled aside my hospital gown from my body, letting it fall lifelessly onto the floor. There was a large bandage covering the flat chest where my right breast had once sat.
Hot tears rolled down my face as I felt a sense of loss. I felt like less of a woman, and it was a realization I hadn’t prepared myself for. The person I had once been was gone. My eyes stared at the breast that was no longer there. I knew that what remained under the bandage was a fresh line of stitches across the area my nipple had once occupied.
I inhaled sharply through my nose, willing the tears to leave me. “I am strong enough for this,” I said, trying to convince myself.
My eyes landed on my stomach, and a weak smile spread on my face. There was now a noticeable tiny bump on my belly.
Izzy.
“I
need
to be strong enough for Isabella.”
With a new sense of resolve, I put the hospital gown back on and opened the bathroom door.
Damian rushed over to my side and helped me get back up in the bed. He watched me tentatively as he put the blankets over me. I noticed him shift uncomfortably beside me.
“How are you feeling?” he finally asked.
I shrugged, unable to say anything. I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to voice my feelings without bursting into a fit of tears.
“Are you hungry? I can go get us some sushi?” I watched him reach for his phone and pull up the Yelp app to search for a sushi restaurant in the area.
“I’m not hungry, but you should order something if you’re hungry. I’m just really tired,” I murmured. “And sad.”
“Alex.” His voice was warm and soothing as he bent down next to me. “I love you. You are beautiful to me.”
His words brought me to tears. I knew he was trying to comfort me, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it was doing the exact opposite.
“I love you too,” I whispered.
“I know you’re sad, and I wish I had the power to change that.” He lifted my hand between his palms and moved it to his mouth. He gently kissed my hand. “You’re not alone. You have me. I know it’s still an uphill battle ahead, but I also know for a fact that you’re strong enough for this. But if you ever think you’re not, I’ll be strong enough for both of us.”
I looked over at him but didn’t say a word. There was nothing to say. He was right. And yet, I still felt alone.
“I know it will take time, babe.” His face twisted in agony and worry as he looked down at me. “It’ll get better with time.”
Will time bring back my breast?
I thought bitterly.
“The doctor said that you’ll be in here for the next two days to recover before I can take you home. But don’t worry. I’ll try to be here as much as I can.”
“Right.” I avoided his gaze. “I think I’m going to go back to sleep.” I closed my eyes but knew that there was hurt painted across his face.
“All right. You get your rest. If there’s anything you want me to get you, just ask, okay?”