“Uh huh,” I lied. My hand eagerly reached for the door nob that would free me from facing this mistake.
“So, can I get your number then?” he asked. I knew this question would come. It always did.
I sighed. I opened the door and then turned around to face him.
“J—Jim. Look. I’m not looking for any type of relationship. If I was, I probably wouldn’t have slept with you after knowing you for half an hour at a frat party.” Shame filled me as I realized how I had just slept with another man I had no feelings for.
“Let’s call this for what it was,” I continued. “An one-night-stand. You were a great fuck, and I got my mind off some things I didn’t want to think about. And I’m pretty sure you had a great time too.”
He smiled at me coyly, indicating his agreement.
“But, let’s just keep it at that. Let’s not drag this out.”
“Oh, don’t be like that,” he teased. “We can still get to know one another and have a good time.”
“Trust me,” I said almost inaudibly as I turned away from him, “you don’t want anything to do with me.”
Without looking back at him, I walked out into the empty hallway and closed his bedroom door behind me. Regret gripped inside me as I started my walk-of-shame procession across the hallway, down the stairs, through the almost-emptied living room of the frat house, and out the door into the cold, bitter evening darkness that welcome me with open arms.
I wasn’t like this all the time. Actually, I haven’t been in a relationship for three years now. By choice. And yet, I don’t usually sleep around. But, when I do, something inside me seemed to go into a full-throttle mode of being reckless, throwing all caution to the wind, like an idiot who didn’t know any better.
I knew better.
But why was I so reckless? Why did I tell him I didn’t want to use a condom? Why did I say I was on the pill when I wasn’t?
I shook my head violently as I walked the few houses over on Greek Row to my sorority house.
You know why, Natalie,
I told myself.
I did. I knew exactly why I was reckless with a complete stranger, with one of the many frat guys on this block who slept with hundreds of girls during their college career.
I was fucked up in the head. Empty, mindless sex was one of the few things I could do when I didn’t want to face reality. When I didn’t want to feel the pain. When I could distance myself from … well, from none other than myself—the empty shell of a person that I have become.
My life changed over three years ago, on January 25, 2010.
It was the day that I could never forget. It was the day that I could never escape. It was the day that I made a conscious decision that had forever scarred and shattered my soul. It was the day that had left me forever broken.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jessica Wood writes new adult contemporary romance.
While she has lived in countless cities throughout the U.S., her heart belongs to San Francisco. To her, there’s something seductively romantic about the Golden Gate Bridge, the steep rolling hills of the city streets, the cable cars, and the Victorian-style architecture.
Jessica loves a strong, masculine man with a witty personality. While she is headstrong and stubbornly independent, she can’t resist a man who takes control of the relationship, both outside and inside of the bedroom.
She loves to travel internationally, and tries to plan a yearly trip abroad. She also loves to cook and bake, and—to the benefit of her friends—she loves to share. She also enjoys ceramics and being creative with her hands. She has a weakness for good (maybe bad) TV shows; she’s up-to-date on over 25 current shows, and no, that wasn’t a joke.
And it goes without saying, she loves books—they’re like old and dear friends who have always been there to make her laugh and make her cry.
The one thing she wished she had more of is time.
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