Imsebastiangray: LOL! Ash, you really make me laugh.
Ashley: What’s that supposed to mean? I’m sure there’s someone out there who is really into freckles. ☺
Imsebastiangray: Okay, so send me a picture.
Panic shook my body like a 4.4 magnitude earthquake. Shit! Now what? I knew I had to stall him. At least until I could think of a valid reason for lying for the past two months.
Ashley: Okay, I’ll send one later. But I have to find one that shows off those freckles in just the right light.
Imsebastiangray: Haha! Okay. Can’t wait to see it.
Yeah, me too
, I thought.
Imsebastiangray: Okay, babe, I’m dead tired. I’m leaving Germany first thing in the morning, and I’ll be back in LA tomorrow night. I’ll try to find you online after I get home, okay?
My brain froze at the word “babe.” Shit! That was the first time he had ever used an endearment when talking to me. Obviously, he was beginning to trust me, and here I was still lying to him, being a complete asshole. I had to tell him the truth. Mustering up all the courage I could find, I typed,
Uh, Sebastian…. I need to talk to you about something.
My nerves couldn’t take much more. If I didn’t get the words out now, I might never tell him.
Imsebastiangray: Ash, is it important? Is there any way we can talk about it tomorrow when I’m home?
Relief flooded through me as I realized that I could wait another day. But deep down, I knew that I was nothing but a lying piece of shit. I had to tell him tomorrow, no matter what.
Ashley: No, nothing that can’t wait. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?
Imsebastiangray: Are you sure?
Ashley: Positive.
Imsebastiangray: I’m sorry, babe. It’s just that I’m falling asleep on my laptop.
Ashley: Go to bed, Seb. We’ll talk tomorrow.☺
I signed off Facebook and went to bed. Tomorrow would be here soon enough, and I was simply not prepared to lose him.
THE NEXT
evening came way too fast, and on my way home, I popped into the liquor store to grab some wine in case I needed it after our talk. Sebastian wasn’t online when I first sat down at the computer, so I busied myself posting some news about the movie and chatting with Patricia so that I wouldn’t think about it. After about an hour, I saw Sebastian come online. Immediately he sent me a chat message.
Imsebastiangray: Hey Ash…. Quick question for you.
As long as it’s not about the photo or what I look like, I’m good. Quickly, I typed,
Sure, what’s up?
Imsebastiangray: I’ve been invited to a fan event in September, and I wondered if you wanted to join me? I think it would be fun, and I’d really like to finally meet you.
My insides did this twisty thing as I tried to get myself under control. Holy Shit! No! No! No! We weren’t supposed to meet… we couldn’t meet. For a second, I was visualizing throwing myself off the nearest cliff.
Ashley: Uh… where is this event?
Imsebastiangray: In New York. After the event we could catch a couple of plays together. It’ll be a blast!
At this moment, I truly hated myself. I could practically hear my mother saying, “Nothing good ever comes from a lie.” And she was right! Damn! I wanted so badly to fly to New York and hang out with Sebastian. For years I had lusted after him, dreamed of spending an hour or two with him, but I never thought it would come true. And now that I was actually getting to know him, I was beginning to truly care for him. And not just as a hot guy on television, but as Sebastian… my friend. But by continuing with this charade, my chance to ever be real friends with Sebastian was doomed. He would never understand why I lied to him for so long about being a girl. I had no choice other than to decline.
Ashley: That’s really great of you to think of me, Seb, but I can’t.
Imsebastiangray: Why not? It’s on a weekend, and I thought you didn’t work on weekends.
Ashley: I don’t, but I can’t afford such a trip.
Imsebastiangray: That’s not a problem. I can treat you this time.
Goose bumps appeared on my arms as my heart swelled. But it didn’t matter. I could never meet him face-to-face.
Ashley: Oh no, there is no way I can let you do that.
Imsebastiangray: But….
Ashley: No, I’m serious. I’ll meet you one day, but it will have to be another trip.
Imsebastiangray: I don’t understand, Ash. I’m not expecting anything from you—if that’s what you think—it’s just a way for me to thank you.
Ashley: I don’t think that! I do understand why you want to do it, and I appreciate it. But believe me, it’s better this way. I’ll come see you when I save some money, okay?
I knew good and well I would never save that money because until I came clean with Sebastian about my gender and why I had lied all this time, I would never be able to face him. But for now, I would just say I couldn’t afford it, and that would be that.
It dawned on me that I had promised myself I would confess tonight. But after this incredibly generous offer, telling him now would definitely seal my fate. I’ll give it a few days, and then I’ll tell him. I thought about sending him an e-mail telling everything, but I knew that would be worse. Sebastian was the type of guy you had to be upfront with. Oh, if only I had not lied that night so long ago. Now, there was nothing I could say to save me. The irony of the situation hit me. The lie I told to create a friendship was the lie that would keep me from being his friend. My computer dinging brought me out of my trance.
Imsebastiangray: Okay, if that’s what you want.
Ashley: Sebastian, it’s not what I want. It just has to be this way. I want to see you, go to plays with you, but it’s not feasible for me at this time. However, I promise, one day I will come and see you, okay?
Just saying those words made me sick to my stomach.
Just tell him already! He’s a good guy; maybe he’ll forgive you, and you can still make the trip in September
, I thought as I mentally beat myself up.
Imsebastiangray: All right. So, what did you want to talk to me about last night?
The urge to tell him was strong as the words sat on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t force them out. The fear of losing him completely gripped my heart.
Ashley: Oh that… it was nothing worth mentioning. Just forget I said anything.
For the next hour, Sebastian told me all about his trip home and how excited he was for me to see the movie. He felt like it would be a big one for his career. He kept asking me about my day, but all I could think about was the overwhelming feeling of guilt for continuing to lie to him about who I was. It was a good thing I stopped at the liquor store because I was going to need that drink.
August 31st
THE MONTHS
were flying by, and September was almost here. The leaves had started to change colors, and Savannah was as beautiful as ever. Not that I spent much time outside. My relationship with Sebastian had intensified as we continued to chat every night, sometimes more than once a night. Yet, I was still carrying on my charade. I was beginning to believe that I would never tell him. But one thing was for sure. The longer I spent each night talking to him, laughing with him, the stronger my feelings got for him. I had practically stopped all social activities with my friends here in Savannah and was putting all my hopes and dreams into Sebastian, which was definitely not a smart move on my part, on so many levels. We had been chatting for a while when Sebastian asked,
Ashley, can I get your opinion on something?
Ashley: Sure, what is it?
Imsebastiangray: Do you remember the costar that I worked with on the show,
Lancaster Bay
? His name was Mackenzie Roberts.
Ashley: I think so… was he the one with the jet-black hair, tall and slim?
Imsebastiangray: Yes, that’s him. He used to be my best friend. Anyway, a couple of years ago, I had just started seeing someone, and I could tell that Mackenzie was really into him as well.
Wait! Did he just write…
him
?
Ashley: Him?
Imsebastiangray: No! Shit! I need to slow down. I mean… haha… not sure why I wrote that. I meant to say her.
Damn. I guess that pretty much confirms that Sebastian’s a straight male. Just my luck….
Ashley: Oh, no problem. Anyway… what happened?
Imsebastiangray: At that time, Mackenzie and I had a talk, and he promised me he wouldn’t act on his attraction while I was with her. Well, we only dated for a couple of months before going our separate ways, and by then Mackenzie was seeing someone else, so it never became an issue.
Ashley: Okay?
Imsebastiangray: So today I was hanging out with Mackenzie at the studio and this person—you know. The girl—walked up.
Ashley: The girl you were seeing?
Imsebastiangray: Yes, she’s a makeup artist for the studio. They were joking around and it slipped out that they had a one-night stand while we were dating.
I already knew where this was going.
Ashley: Oh….
Imsebastiangray: You know, I will be the first to say, have fun, sleep with whoever you want, when you want, but damn, that just pissed me off. And it wasn’t because Mackenzie had slept with her, but because they had lied about it. For two entire years!! Am I wrong to be this pissed off?
My insides were turning to mush as he kept talking. What the hell could I say to that? So I said nothing. I just sat there and waited as he typed away.
Imsebastiangray: I mean, don’t get me wrong. I don’t have any feelings for this person any longer. It just made me really mad that they would have kept something like that from me for so long AND after Mackenzie had sworn to keep his distance. What a bunch of shit! I have to say, I can’t stand being lied to.
This was the moment that my heart was crushed into a million pieces. I had never cried over a man, but I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I realized exactly what my fate would be the day Sebastian found out I had been lying to him for months. I could barely type as I wrote the following:
Seb, listen to me. Maybe they lied for a reason. Maybe it was just a one-time fling and not worth hurting you over.
Imsebastiangray: Maybe… I don’t know. But it just hit me the wrong way, ya know?
Ashley: I’m sure.
Carefully, I thought about how to word my next response.
Ashley: You know, sometimes people don’t mean to lie, it just sort of happens, and before you know it, it’s been a year, and by then it’s too late to tell the truth.
Imsebastiangray: I don’t know, Ash…. After a certain point, it becomes flat-out betrayal.
Betrayal… now there was a new word for my charade. If I had any doubt before that he might not forgive me, I didn’t have a doubt now. But regardless, for my own sanity, I had to find a way to tell him. But how?
Imsebastiangray: Ashley, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be sharing this with you. I know it’s stupid, but I guess I wanted to hear what you thought about it.
Ashley: I think it’s crap that they did that. Listen, I’m no saint, so I can’t judge, but never be sorry to share things with me. I care so much about you, and I want nothing more than for you to be happy.
Imsebastiangray: How do you always know how to make me feel better? I guess that’s why I always come and find you. I trust you, and well… I care about you too.
There was numbness in the pit of my stomach as I was reminded once again of what I would be losing when the truth came out. Fuck my life….
Ashley: ☺
Imsebastiangray: Okay I’m being called to set, but thanks for listening.
Ashley: You’re welcome. I’m here anytime you want to talk.
As Sebastian signed off, I realized exactly how a small lie could turn into such a monster. And this monster was definitely going to be the end of me.
September 1st
SEBASTIAN’S FAN
page was buzzing with excitement. Ever since it was made known that Sebastian was participating in his Facebook page, his number of followers had quadrupled. But this month, everyone was keyed up about the upcoming fan event in New York City. Several members of the fan community had decided to make the trip and, as a result, there were multiple postings daily by fans about the event and things they wanted to say to Sebastian.
I had been asked to join them several times, and each time my answer was no because as it stood, he could never meet me in person. Not if I wanted to keep my heart in one piece. I had spent the better part of an hour trying to explain to Patricia why I was having such a hard time.
Patricia: Ashley, honey… you’re just going to have to tell him and see what happens.
Ashley: It’s not that easy. He has told me things that make me believe he will hate me for lying so long.
Patricia: But what do you plan on doing? Keep this from him forever? He’s a straight actor, okay fine, but come on, Ashley; he can’t hate you for being gay. He lives in Hollywood for Christ’s sake—half his friends must be gay!
Ashley: It’s not my being gay that’s the issue. It’s the fact that I lied about being a GIRL so that he would trust me! You know how straight guys can be. If I had said I was a man, he would have never trusted me so much for fear I might hit on him or take everything he says the wrong way.